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We’ve tried the VA, his insurance GEHA, and through other businesses but none of them say I can paid through them. He also makes too much money to be placed on welfare for me to get paid. I’ve taken care of him for a whole year as of December 26. He pays me $200 out of guilt it seems because he’s openly told me he feels horrible that I stopped my life to take care of him. He’s my last grandparent and I had helped my mom with her parents when their time was running out so it’s just something i’m used to and I am ok doing it because they mean a lot to me. Is there any way I can possibly get paid through some type of company or business so that way he doesn’t have to pay me out of pocket anymore? I don’t like him giving me the money he worked so hard throughout his life to build up.

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I think your grandfather and his child or children, if any are alive, are taking advantage of you. That money your grandfather worked so hard all his life to build up? The best use of it is to pay someone (for example, you) to take care of your grandfather now that he needs care.
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Isthisrealyreal Dec 2019
Yep, can't take it with him.
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People are generally not paid to look after family, unless the family member pays the caregiver out of pocket. How much more can you grandfather afford to pay you?

Me, I do not think it is wise for a 22 year old to put their future on hold to provide care. It is your grandfather's responsibility to arrange for his care, not yours.
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Blue49 Dec 2019
Unfortunately his 3 children (excluding my dad which would be 4) won’t take care of him. His daughter who purposely bought a 3 bedroom house to one day have him live with her no longer wants to take on that responsibility. His youngest works 2 jobs and lives in a apartment and his wife wouldn’t want him living with them. His second oldest has to many medical problems that even his daughter has to be his care giver as she juggles work. No other grandchildren were willing to help in this situation and well i’ve had to put my life on hold a lot unfortunately so I didn’t feel bad doing it again. He’s not bad off in terms of needing constant supervision but he has dementia and throughout the year i’ve taken care of him I can tell it’s getting worse and I know there’s no fixing that. I will admit I do feel taken advantage of especially by his daughter but she’s never liked me anyways and I feel she thinks I deserve to have no fulfilling life. The main reason she won’t take him in is because he has a 15 year old poodle (well trained might I add) it’s his life line without his dog I doubt he would have been alive for this long. Thank you for your concern about my life though I’m personally thankful to see other adults care but sadly there’s nothing I can do about this. None of them want to put him in a home and since he lives with me and my parents we don’t see a point in hiring a nurse when there’s me and my parents who watch him.
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Well he worked so hard to provide for his care, so you should not feel guilty about him paying you. It would be more expensive if he was paying a home or agency CGs
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Blue49 Dec 2019
I always figured he’d pay more for someone else to do what I’m doing. Also, I’ve heard too many horror stories about at home nurses abusing elderly people or even taken/asking for more money from them. He had a “caretaker” when he lived alone in a senior neighborhood but she’d rob him of money all the time or take things his late wife had bought (a brand new kitchen aide which he still asks about till this day). But with no proof and her not allowing us into her home we can’t confirm but she was the only one with access to his house via key.
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if he’s not medi-cal eligible then the only way you can be paid is if HE pays you. There is no other way in California. There’s no business that will pay you to take care of him, at no cost to him. Either way he’s gonna have to pay. If you became a CNA and got hired by an agency, he would have to pay the agency a lot more than $200 a month.
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Blue49 Dec 2019
Yeah one company that works with the VA told me the only way I’d get paid through them was if I was a registered nurse with one of their companies. I unfortunately don’t want to take med school because I personally wouldn’t find it enjoyable and also I don’t have the time or money to go through that.
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You need to get out there now and go live your life. Why aren't your parents taking care of him? If they can't then you should contact APS and have them deal with it. No matter how much you can get paid, it's not worth giving up your life at such a young age. Go live your life.
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Blue49 - I apologize for being rude here. Your middle name must be SUCKER.

You volunteer to give up your life to help for FREE thinking it's a noble thing to do. NO, it's not. It's a dumb thing to do.

Grandpa paid you $200 out of guilt. OMG. OMG. He expects you to work 24/7 for free. And so does everyone else. And so did you. You did this to yourself. So, you need to get yourself out of it. Stop being a doormat.

Grandpa can live another 5-10 years. When he's gone, you'll be in late 20s or early 30s with no job, no marketable skills, no money, no home. You'll be lost in more ways than one.

Go back to school. Get a part time job. Taking care of grandpa is the job for his children to sort out. They can take turn taking care of him or they can pay someone to do it.

Stand up for yourself. Tell his children that you're done. You're done putting your life on hold. . If they gripe, tell them it's their turn or they can hire caregivers to do the job they expect you to do for free. How dare them going about their lives and giving you dirty looks when you bought a pair of shoes out of the meager money grandpa paid you.

From this point on, you should know you're being taken advantage of. If you don't stop, then it's on you. You can't blame anyone else.
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Does your grandfather have any children? If so, how old are they? How is their health? If they are able bodied, why aren't THEY taking care of things?

Yes, yes, YES he should be paying you!
More than $200 I might add.
It is NOT wrong of you to expect to be paid.
You WILL need the money, especially IF there are aunts and uncles who will absolutely want their share of the inheritance and will think NOTHING of cutting you out, even though YOU have done all the care giving.
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Blue49 Dec 2019
My grandpa has 4 children (one being my dad who does help). The oldest his daughter is 63 retired has a 3 bedroom house for this specific purpose of having him live with him but she won’t allow it because he has a dog (which is his lifeline if i’m honest) and she also can’t imagine herself caring for him because she thinks he’s so bad off in reality he isn’t. His second oldest child is 60 and he can’t take care of him due to suffering a stroke and his daughter takes care of him almost full time. His youngest is 55 and lives in an apartment with stairs and no extra bedroom and also works 2 jobs and I also think his wife wants nothing to do with my grandpa. My dad, mom, and I all take care of my grandpa but I’m the main one who watches him from 5am-4pm while they are at work. All my parents do is just keep him company, help him get into the bath, and make him dinner/ take his night pills and make his bed but that’s about it in terms of day to day care. I sit with him all day, cook him breakfast and lunch, make sure he takes his morning pills, make his bed, set out his clothes for the day, and make sure he doesn’t try to double dose on things like his nose spray for allergies. As you can tell it’s not too bad in terms of caregiving but yet his daughter thinks he needs help with absolutely everything and he doesn’t but we do watch him with whatever he may do. As for the inheritance he has signed his money over to me and my parents. He doesn’t want any of his other kids to have it because he knows we are the main people who take care of him. It was originally signed over to his daughter but as of this year it is in both my name and my parents thankfully.
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If you weren't ready, willing and able to care for him and there isn't anyone else able to, he would either be paying for an AL situation (or whatever level of care needed) or paying caregivers of some sort to come in and do it and it sounds like he would be doing that out of pocket based on his financial situation. He is very lucky to have a wonderful, caring grandchild to provide this service rather than strangers, it's a benefit to him and you shouldn't feel uncomfortable accepting pay for your time any more than he should resist paying you. In fact he would be better off (and so would you) having a care contract in place that spells out the payment and makes it a reasonable rate based on what he would have to pay someone else with your skills in the area because should he outlive his money and need to apply for Medicaid this money will be well counted for and well spent during any look back, if he is paying you even $200 out of pocket unofficially that will add up to amounts that could be problematic during any Medicaid process.

You will be doing him as well as yourself a favor by making this more official and earning more money. Your grandfather may be fretting over this, feeling guilty, more than you realize and being able to pay you a decent wage will be a great relief for him. Save the money for school when you go back and he can feel good about contributing to that too, in fact maybe you could take some on-line classes or one or two classes a semester at school to keep your progress going, social contact with your peer group and some life outside of caring for granddad, my guess is this would make him very happy too, giving him the best of both worlds. You are so lucky to have each other but neither of you is served by only having the other.
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Blue49 Dec 2019
Thank you for your reply i’m confused about the care contract you mentioned. How would I go about getting help making or even evaluate our situation to confirm the payment? I don’t want him to go through anymore trouble if he ends up on medicaid in the future. It was bad enough someone told him not to sign up for medicare B and we barely got him in as of this July. Also to comment on your comment about taking online classes I unfortunately have no computer or laptop (been saving for a laptop) to do so. I also just don’t think I have the mental capacity for that right now as it is. I suffer from depression and I won’t lie taking care of him has made my depression worse but it’s more so i’m so scared of death because the death of my mom’s parents is what gave me depression. I try and think positive and not let that thought cloud my mind but i’m so scared he’ll die when it’s just me with him and I don’t think I would know how to cope with that if it did happen. I personally wish I could go back to seeing my therapist but I had to put that on hold too due to lack of funds.
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I think its admirable that you have replied to so many offering suggestions. Unfortunately you continue to give excuses. Either you want to help yourself or won't. Most people don't really want to die prematurely. They want the pain that creates those feelings to go away. If you kill yourself in a sense you will have failed at life. You don't come across as a failure. This situation is very wrong but only you can put you first. The other family members will just have to figure it out. There is no point coming to this site and stating this situation,looking for help and then giving all the excuses even if they are the reality. Something will have to give. You have to decide your life has worth and value. Otherwise continue to accept the present situation and know it will lead you nowhere.
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We believe in you. Many here have been in similar situations. We recognize that you are stronger than you think you are because we have supported others break away from abusive relationships. Your “family” will do everything they can to make you stay where you are. But you are stronger. You posted on this forum. You know that you want to change your life.

We believe in you. Make your plan. Look up gray stone technique and other ways to free yourself from their attempts to push you back down. This is your chance.

You have opened up to us. We appreciate your honesty. And, we believe you can change your circumstances. We have seen others do it. You can, too. Keep posting here and make your escape plan.
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