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Firstly, you need to calm the f down. You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself. Are you by any chance a perfectionist?

Being a caregiver (or in my own field, an educator) is not about perfection. It’s about meeting the ever changing needs of those that we care for. Some days that may mean showering. Some days it will not.

My MIL who moved in with us three months ago still refuses to have any bathing done of any kind (not even a wet facecloth), or her toenails cut. She hasn’t had either in well over a year. I CHOOSE not to let it bother me because I know there is no reasoning with her (hello, broken brain!) and harassing her into a bathroom is neither safe nor productive in building a positive relationship.

You need to try to let go of the control, and empower your patient to make their own choices.
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Cover99 Oct 2021
Lol that was kind of harsh, though maybe needed
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She has to trust you. I found in my personal life that trust is everything when it comes to someone who has lost themselves to Alzheimer’s and or Dementia. You have to find a way in all the chaos to earn her trust. Remember you are not dealing with an adult, you are dealing with a child mentality in an adult body. Baby her. Make her enjoy the time you spend with her. Create games and make things exciting. She'll come around. If you are abrasive or demanding, she will be resistant. I hope this helps you.

Sincerely,
Sonny ;)
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thepianist Oct 2021
Yes! Gaining the person's trust is so important, because dementia leads to a great sense of loss and insecurity. I've found that if the person trusts you, that's half the battle. You have to work at this every day, all day long. Making the person know that you love them and will keep them safe and happy.
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IMO this woman needs more care than an aide can do. You are not going to get thru to her. She cannot learn or retain what she was able to learn. Allowing her to do for herself at this stage is fruitless. When I showered Mom, she sat on a shower bench. I rinsed her down with a handheld shower head. Then I soaped her up and rinced again. I used no soap on her private area. I had her stand facing the wall holding onto the shower bar with her legs spread apart and just cleaned there with the hand held shower head. She not once had a UTI while living with me. I used Huggie wipes after she went #2 to clean her well. They have no alchohol. If gentle for a baby should be gentle for an adult.

You don't need to shower everyday. 2 or 3 times a week is enough.
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This list was given to me by a relative who is caregiving for my aunts:

Rules for engaging our loved ones with dementia:

1) Agree, do not argue

2) Divert, do not attempt to reason

3) Distract, do not shame

4) Reassure, do not lecture

5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”

6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”

7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”

8) Ask, do not demand

9) Encourage, do not condescend

10) Reinforce, never force


The overall goal should be to keep them as calm and peaceful as possible (because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own).

This list would be good to print out and post where the husband will be able to refer back to it daily. You also may want to sit with him to watch some Teepa Snow videos on YouTube so he can learn better ways to engage with her to make the daily care less contentious.

Dementia is a progressive disease and thus she is in the process of change/decline every day, so being a flexible problem solver is what a caregiver needs to be. Wishing you success in finding the right strategies to help the both of them!
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wearynow Oct 2021
Excellent list - thank you
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