Hello all, I'm reaching out to you all because I don't know what to do. I'll try to summarize this as much as possible. Both of my parents are dealing with multiple health issues. I am only child living 1200 miles away. I cannot move to them. They say that they are going to sell their house and move here but they have too many health issues to ever make that happen. They've been hospitalized multiple times and refuse to let me come out. I believe that they are embarrassed of their home because they have always had a beautiful home and taken excellent care of it. I've offered to get carpet cleaners in (due to multiple accidents) and cleaners in so they aren't embarrassed. I've offered support in anyway I can possibly think. I have begged, pleaded, cried, and yelled to get them to let me help them. It's primarily my mom that doesn't want any help which then burdens my unhealthy father even more. This has been going on for about 13 years now and I've made no progress with them. My mom has had multiple strokes so sometimes I get my mom and other times I get a very angry person that is reliving past issues in her life. I've offered to get a realtor, fly out and stage their house, get movers, drive them to my state, find them a house, and on and on. The mom has fallen multiple times and they drs think it's due to low potassium. She ends up in the hospital while they give her several bags of potassium and then she fights them to let her out. Then she won't follow up with her own drs because a health issue will come up. Then she gets mad because the dr office's aren't nice to her because she cancels all of the time and refused in home care when they showed up. If you made it this far reading my ramblings, I owe you a virtual hug! Any advice would be greatly appreciated as long as you understand that this has been going forever and I've tried everything I can think of. TIA!
You can't do ANYTHING at this point to help. Mom refuses your offers and seems to want to live as she and dad choose.
And they have that right.
Sadly, you are in the situation that so many of us are in: aging parents who are stubborn, angry, sick, AND make terrible decisions.
I'd call once a week, keep it short and wait for the inevitable 'fall' that will happen that will force them to make changes.
Depressing? You bet, but you cannot force them to behave. I'm so sorry.
It's been going on for about 13 years.
Those two statements contain all you need to think about. The other part is just added fluff and distraction. Soooo.....you stop. There's nothing you can do.
One phone call a week. Stop listening to what they have to say and start making it about YOU. "Mom, I got a promotion last week! I'm getting a new office and my own private rest room!" "Dad, I'm thinking of getting a new car. What do you think about the new Velico Volera XXI?" Keep it to 20 minutes and under. You can't deal with their medical issues because you're too far away. You're not interested in mom's potassium or even her pinky toe that hurts! You have suddenly turned into.....A NARCISSIST! You're THEM!
They won't like you much anymore, mom may cry and say you don't care, and actually you won't. You can start caring again when she gets out of the hospital after the inevitable fall on her head. You can care about that right now; look up rehab facilities and assisted livings in their area, memory care facilities and LT care homes. Because when they need one, you'll be ready to talk with their social workers about placement.
Don't take them in with you. Never never never. Don't move near to or in with them. Never never never. They have chosen their course. You're on the periphery, refusing to be sucked into a black hole of their making.
I hereby declare that it's officially over by making the statement, "There Is Nothing More You Can Do Period." Good luck to you.
The catastrophic event WILL come. You WILL get the call as so many of us have got "the call" from hospital. You will have to go. You will or will not have to act.
Meanwhile, Midkid is absolutely correct.
Give advice, give it once. And on you go with your own life not impacted overmuch until it IS.
Do your parents have all their legal affairs in order? POA? Will? Living will, etc.?
I would not put my energy into getting your parents moved near you.
Stop offering help. I guess when/if they complain about anything you can ask them what they think they can do about it.
Lots of great tips already given so I will just wish you the best of luck!
I agree with the others , ( absent of calling APS) all you can do is wait for the disaster that lands one or both in the hospital ……
Sorry you are dealing with this . Many of us have , are , or will be in your shoes. I’m now on fourth relative that we are waiting for the big disaster .( Both my parents and hubby’s ( divorced ) parents refused to go to assisted living voluntarily .
Also do not take them in to live with you . Do not set them up in an apartment either , otherwise they will run you ragged . They need assisted living , possibly memory care for your Mom at some point .
They will most likely not make a move from their house voluntarily. It’s an overwhelming process that they can not execute.
Keep checking in here . Vent , ask more questions as this unfolds.
(((Hugs)))
Step out of it.
My brother & had to wait 10 years to finally get our mother in AL, finally she had a slight stroke and was afraid to stay alone at night.
We moved here by us into AL, her is the kicker...she loves it...wished she had done this 10 years sooner....go figure.
Go about your life let the chips fall where they may.
If they ask for help moving call a senior relocation agent near them. They will be told what needs to be done and what they will pay people to do it. Simple. If they don't want to move you can't make them so don't even bring it up.
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