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They never cared for me and didn't want their son to marry me, but we were 40, so he did as he pleased. I've had a cordial relationship with them for 20 years until this past spring. After celebrating my birthday, they fabricated an "insult" and have refused to see or speak to me. My husband and teen son have tried to reason with them, even prove they are mistaken, but it's no use. My FIL forced us to remove bins we had in storage in the attic, berated my husband for every perceived transgression going back 40 years, including marrying me and will no longer see him either. He's also called me terrible names to our son and completely fabricated incidents involving me and passed these stories to extended family. I don't think they have dementia but my FIL has had a couple of strokes.


The whole family is in upset. I've never experienced people at end of life who have purposely blown up a family like this. My husband has 3 siblings and they will not intervene because they're afraid my FIL will turn on them as well. Separately, they say he speaks badly of everyone, punctuated with a self-congratulatory, "I remember," with every recount, as proof he still is mentally fit.


At this point, I can ignore them. But this is killing my husband, who has always been close to his mom, at least. And it's upsetting our son who's always seen them as loving grandparents. Would appreciate any advice.

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I feel so sad for you, being the brunt of your in-laws wrath has surely not been easy to live with all these years, and now to end so badly. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do right now because they seem to want to dig in their heels and are feeding off the drama. Possibly it's just one of them with the grudge, and the other spouse just backing him/her up. Let some time go, and allow your husband and son to visit without you. Hopefully things will slowly change in time, as their anger fades, and life throws it's many curve balls.
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gisele28: Imho, your FIL's strokes have resulted in dementia and I'm sorry that he and your MIL are acting this way towards you. Perhaps you can send a basket of fruit or something else to them.
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Was there anything stored in those bins your FIL may have rummaged through and read ?or saw ?that could have made him angry perhaps ? Or the strokes have brought on this behaviour perhaps.At that time of life they do tend to get worried about their money and home etc .I’m sorry you have this horrible situation and hopefully it can be resolved with a sit down talk or even a professional mediator if need be .
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i would recommend you and your husband [and include your son in a session]see a counselor so that you can take care of yourselves. Unfortunately, there are a lot of dysfunctional families around. Do you all live together? If so, I would either get out if it is their home or work for them to leave if it is your home. You should not have to tolerate this. It is indeed sad that the siblings won't stand up and do the right thing for you and your family. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES!
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It seems like there's not much you can do. If they dont' love you and are not willing to talk to you as a real human being, then it's their loss. I would cut off these toxic people and get either in home care or a facility as a last resort. Sometimes old age doesn't change some people. Narcissistic people such as these get worse with age and you're never going to change them or their mind towards you. I would say run far away and don't contact them anymore.
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Plenty of that behavior going around. If after years of trying to be decent to other human beings, particularly family, and finding out to one’s dismay, that all efforts have turned out to be fruitless, through no fault of your own, what else is there to do but wash your own hands and recognize that no one can make another person like them. The repercussions concerning innocent bystanders like your own husband and family, is something they alone must come to terms with. Generally, if someone dislikes someone I truly love and care for, I tend to sadly take sides with whom I consider the closest in my life. Your In Laws want to go to their graves with bitterness towards your person, that’s their own prerogative, a choice as you say, they lucid of mind have chosen. Yes, everyone would prefer a happy family, where respect and acceptance are the norm, but sadly, since the beginnings of family and friends circles, there is a chance for rejection that may never change. They are entitled to their space in this world, but so are you to be around only those that value, respect and consider you part of their lives. Like you, don’t like you, I am sure you got bigger fish to fry than to waste precious energy on feeling sorry and troubled because your In Laws do not approve of you, regardless if they are correct in their assessment of your person, or not. Cheer up, I have a very crappy family who I seriously doubt would spent the time of day if I should go to my grave before them, not that I would notice once I take off. Best wishes from a total stranger.
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Welcome to the lives of “DYSfunctional families” I am so sorry you are going through this. If it’s any consolation, you are not alone. Quick, order “But it’s your family-cutting ties with Toxic Family members and Loving Yourself in the aftermath” by Dr. Sherri Campbell.

🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🥰
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Very sorry for your stress - which must be through the roof. This is a really difficult situation. Like many similar situations with people and the inexplicable things they do, you have to let go and accept you can only control yourself. I would give your in-laws their space and wait it out. I would not send notes and flowers snd such as they have made it clear that you are not welcome in their life and they would likely view those notes as provocative. At most, I would send them a note saying that you are sorry for whatever it is that causes them to dislike you and say that you wish it were different but respect their right to feel the way they do. Then I would have no further contact. I would sit down with your husband and son snd let them know that you do not want this situation to affect their relationship with your in-laws but that for your own well being you are not going to force the situation into a close family when that is not within your control. It can be a learning experience for your son - that age and possibly dementia can bring on such behavior. Let your son know you value family enough to not make him choose between you and them. Same for your husband. Then hold your head high and get about life as best you can. Don’t let a toxic relationship like this drag you down. It take two to play this game. Don’t play.
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I’m so sorry they’re acting in such a cruel manner - I know this may sound extreme but it sounds from what you said the fil is committing slander against you - maybe a lawsuit for defamation of character would get his attention I know it may sound unrealistic but just bc they’re old doesn’t mean they can act in a deliberate harmful manner to others- sometimes actions need to have repercussions. At a minimum if the lawsuit is too much you can have a lawyer send a “cease and desist letter” to fil that he is to stop all defamatory comments about you

Another idea is to write a general statement and issue it to the extended relatives to let them know he’s engaging in defamatory comments and you wish to set the record straight.

Third this is so cruel and damaging I can imagine the pain and anguish your husband especially is going through and it’s also of course very stressful and damaging to you and your son as well. I recommend seeking family counseling for you your husband and son with a therapist who specializes in abusive family members abd if you can find one that has experience with narcisstic personality disorder even better ( not diagnosing your fil but whether or not he’s a narcissist, his actions are very similar to how narcissists behave.

Has your husband ever taken a firm stance against this? Are there other family members who would might have a word with them? If you go to a therapist you could ask if they would be willing to advocate for you and your family to your fil ( something as simple as a phone call with him during a session)
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There's really not much you can do.

I would send flowers and write a nice letter.

If they no longer want to include ya'll then you'll have to move on with your life.

I would still send them cards fir all occasions with nice notes in them.

Maybe another family member can arrange for mom and your husband to meet for lunch or a visit.

Prayers
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bundleofjoy Sep 2021
i think your approach is very good :). i agree, good idea for OP to try it out.
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I would insist your husband visit his parents. It sound like you have tried to get them to like u but at some point u just have to give up. The reason I am saying your husband should still visit them because if he stays away he could later blame you
that he wasnt there to see his parents pass. If his parents are 92 and 86 chances are they probably have some dementia. They may also
miss seeing their son.
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I'm so sorry this happened to you, your husband and your son. As others have said dementia can start subtlety. With your FIL's strokes he definitely can be suffering from vascular dementia and depending on where the strokes occurred can cause different responses. (In my father who showed no outward signs of the stroke; the stroke was in his balance center causing his frequent falls).

My father got mad at his oldest neice's husband and would go on and on about it with her. She was deeply hurt as he and she had a special bond.

Keep a low profile - it may happen that as his brain deteriorates he will forget the entire episode. If relations are impossible for your husband and grandson to see FIL, maybe they can still keep in contact with MIL unless she is siding with FIL.

Praying for your family that you are blessed with peace and grace. Hang in there.
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I don't know but no matter what anyone says, I think this is a case of dementia and I for one will not tolerate the behavior of people with dementia - I just can't and won't - horribly burned by them the past and I run as fast as I can. And strokes can affect the mind terribly. These are OLD, SICK PEOPLE......and if nothing stops their behavior, much as it may hurt, I would not look back for a second - I couldn't - support your husband and I suggest he and you both move on and don't look back because if you stay and are involved, this will destroy you both. Remember the good days but stay clear of them now.
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I don't see a way to edit my post, but I forgot the most bizarre part. My MIL, who is totally on board with the things my FIL says, calls MY mom, who is 85 and still has her faculties, about 1x of 2x per week to "chat," without mentioning that she thinks I'm horrible and won't see/speak to me. My husband does not want me to end this connection, yet I think if my mom knew what was going on, she would NEVER speak to my mil. And eventually, will be very upset with me for not telling her and allowing her to speak with my MIL under seemingly duplicitous circumstances.
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sp19690 Sep 2021
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be interesting. Sad you can't even talk to your own mother about this situation. I never understand why family protects the one doing wrong and throws the innocent victim under the bus. Your FIL may have a reduced filter from the strokes but it certainly doesnt excuse your MIL's part in all this. Seems like she is using her husband's diminished capacity to let her real feelings shine through.

Old, hateful people suck.
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Don’t ask anyone to intervene for you, that’s no fair as they’ll be uncomfortable and likely get venom back. Don’t discuss the situation anymore, leave it to your husband and son to see them or speak to them as they see fit. And know that strokes often have the result of personality changes. I’m sorry for your hurt in this, hope you’ll step away from this and fill your time with things that bring you joy
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Please read about confabulation.
This is a stage of his dementia. In time, he will not remember that he said these things.
The last thing you want to do is argue about it or try to convince them they are wrong. That seems to solidify the story in their mind and it is so real to them. The confabulator is absolutely sure of what they are saying.
One of the stories my DH Aunt happened to a neighbor but she claimed it happened to her and even embellished it.
Another was she would say that various, unrelated people, had moved into apartments.
If I asked had she seen a certain friend she would say that the friend had moved into an apartment in a neighboring city. If I asked why, she never had any of the details just that they had moved.
If I asked Aunt if her SIL was home or visiting with her daughter, she would say, SIL had moved into an apartment in the city where her daughter lived.
Before I noticed that everyone in Aunts circle seemed to be moving into an apartment. I believed her.
It didn’t really sink in until one day she told me that a younger great niece (13 at the time) had moved into an apartment! What?? I called the first friend to see how she was doing in the apartment, she had no idea what I was talking about! She hadn’t moved at all.

I begin to figure out that it was dementia. I remembered my MIL, aunts sister, had done this in the beginning of her dementia. Her daughter would say her mother was lying. I had been taught never to call anyone a liar so that was shocking to me. MIL, I reasoned, was probably more confused than lying. I hadn’t known her as a liar. But the strange thing was the person confabulating always seems very sure of what they are saying. It’s everyone else who is confused. This person you absolutely trust is saying outlandish things!

What is different about your situation is whether your MIL is also saying these things? You said in-laws but then you only referred to FIL. Does she just go along with whatever he says?

I would ask those that are in good standing to try to get him and/or her to a neurologist for a checkup and to watch for other signs.

It’s a heads up for sure that their paper work needs to be in order and I would ask the other siblings to not mention you at all in order to let this die down.

The in-laws will probably be complaining before long that you never visit.
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Your husband is sticking by you, so let them go wallow in their hatred.
”When people show you who they are.”
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Here's another suggestion, wait until hubby and son are gone, put on "Hey Ya" by Outcast and dance.
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I'll add my voice to stay away from FIL completely.

I think I would try to accept they are sliding into decline in an awful way. Tragic. But it happens that way sometimes.

But I would continue to keep supporting your Husband, as THAT is the relationship you want to be still standing when his parents are no more.

He may choose to keep seeing them or not. He maybe very torn about that. He may need time & space to come home to decompress if he does.

As others have said, whoever is still close them could keep an eye. Safety is a concern.

MIL may have denial or be naive about FIL's cognition or alternatively, be aware & covering (this happens a lot). Many times an elder would never think to call EMS even when there is a medical or mental health crises. Or one forbids the other to call. Others on the site have had to set up a 'safety plan' in such cases. If not mobile phone savvy, a safe neighbour to go to call for help instead.

I am sorry for this situation - it is sad for you all. Maybe blame it on the 'stroke related brain changes' when talking to your son.
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disgustedtoo: "While what's been said and done (and continues to be said) is hateful and hurtful to you, consider it somewhat of a blessing in disguise. You don't have to try to maintain any sort of relationship with them. Although it has been a "peaceful" 20 years, underneath it all I'm sure you're aware that you weren't "accepted" by them or at least FIL"

And if your H gets any wild areas about taking them in as things progress, everyone knows it won't work because the ils don't want to be around you. You won't have to do any elder caregiving! That is a huge win.

Moxies is right -- they say old people (can) become more of themselves. They lose filters that kept the truth from coming out in their younger years. I always knew I was a disappointment to my mother, but what I had to hear as she declined was still difficult. I was always a nasty person and my time was worth nothing, I had only been jealous of my brothers, etc. And she thought I was trying to steal her condo. I took the quick route to making myself feel better -- I was able to get payment for all the hours I had to spend with her (she lived "independently" in a condo 7 minutes away from me -- my 3 brothers all lived out of state, of course). The POA brother readily agreed. So I got $20/hour (including back-pay). I considered it a job, and felt much better about it all emotionally. When I'd brought up the idea of compensation up to her before, I was met with her almost screaming at me that, "You don't pay family!"
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Apart from sitting all 5 of you down at the table and telling them you are listening perhaps they had better get all their "issues" off their chests so you can answer their "problems" and life can go on I don't see what you can do. Your MIL is old and your FIL older (I apologise if not that way round) and they are frightened and know they are failing.
I am sorry for you having to go through this, and even more sorry for your son and especially your husband and their son. I cannot see that you can ever be in the right - you are not going to be able to get mental assessments done for them if they are being so negative so you can only worry about yourselves and leave them to each other. I doubt that once you have had a sit down and they have got everything off their chests it will make much difference, I suspect if you do something for them the next day you will just get another rant or unpleasant comments. You cannot force them to go into a facility so, hard though it is leave them to it and your husband can phone once a week, but that is probably about the best contact any of your will get with them. Stop caring about what they say - they are not able to control their behaviour any more than a child at the start of their life. Just ignore it and concentrate on your son and husband. You don't have to see them so don't - why put yourself in that position.
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If there was a misunderstanding, there was a misunderstanding. My parent is very hard of hearing and often will get angry over what she 'thought' she heard. I have to correct it. Many days later it might be repeated again as the way she 'thought' she heard it. Possibly that's what happened here. It can also be a big sign of a dementia issue for one....convinced the other it really happened.

Try to get hubby to go there without you to begin with and tell him, even if it's brought up, no discussion about it. Change subject or just look at his watch and say, I have to get going. Get him to at least talk to his mom alone so she knows they still have relationship and perhaps he can convince her nothing said was intended to be hurtful.

Have you tried going there yourself to talk to them? Maybe if you went you can smooth it over - for the sake of other relationships. You can even say - if it sounded like I said that, I'm sorry. I'll be more careful how I word things. Sometimes it may be easier to own it in a way without really owning it to smooth ruffled feathers.

I hope you get this all worked out. At their age, nothing is worth losing an entire family over. Just start paying closer attention to other little things. You may identify a future of dementia issues.
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Strokes can really change a personality. My grandmother had several TIA strokes that changed her from a fairly taciturn, stern person into a very chatty extrovert. If possible can you get whoever has medical POA to discuss this change with his doctor.
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It appears your FIL is suffering from dementia caused by his strokes. The strokes have stolen parts of his memory as well as parts of his mind that deal with decision-making and probably emotion. Since your FIL chooses to "see" everything in a negative light, please do not take this personally. However, I do have a few suggestions:
1 - Apologize for any slight he seems to be holding onto. The goal is to "calm the waters" rather than to actually admit to any guilt. It might be helpful to send him a card or cards to express "sorry" and always end with expressing your respect, love, and esteem. When your FIL ramps up on an imagined slight, you can point to the card and say, "Dad we already dealt with this. We love you." Then change the subject or engage his mind in a new activity.
2 - Since this seems to be a new-ish problem, please get whoever is responsible for FIL's care to take him to a doctor. This could be signs of a new stroke or a pending stroke. If this is clot-based or a narrowing of blood vessels, something could be done by his neurologist. If this behavior seems to coincide with agitation, then he is probably suffering from anxiety about a world that doesn't quite make sense. A mild anti-anxiety medication may help him to keep from getting angry and accusative.
3 - Please try to create "good" memories when your family visits. Bring things your FIL likes: simple activities, snacks, movies, music. The goal is to create new, pleasant associations so your FIL sees everybody in the family in a better light.
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While what's been said and done (and continues to be said) is hateful and hurtful to you, consider it somewhat of a blessing in disguise. You don't have to try to maintain any sort of relationship with them. Although it has been a "peaceful" 20 years, underneath it all I'm sure you're aware that you weren't "accepted" by them or at least FIL.

This is harder on your husband and son. Regardless of what might be the cause of this "break", they should be advised to avoid trying to argue with or convince FIL that he's wrong. It's best to just try to ignore it or steer the discussion to another topic - diversion, redirection, whatever works to get the focus onto something else.

If there's anyone in the family who might be able to "investigate" or help see that FIL gets a good checkup, including urine culture and blood work, it's possible there could be a medical cause behind this that can be treated. If not, it is also quite possible that the strokes have resulted in short-circuiting his brain, leading to dementia-like behaviors. That isn't really treatable, but it is possible medication can tone it down. However he will have to be amenable to getting a check up.

I agree with others - have someone check with mom to be sure she's okay. Perhaps she can shed some light on changes he has gone through recently. If someone can take her out under some pretense, but then have a candid talk with her, it might help. Clearly this shouldn't be your husband or son (and certainly not you!)

Too often a spouse might try to "cover" for the other and hide anything going on. It should be explained to her that it's better to address it than try to hide it. My mother's cousin did this for her husband. She ended up dying a year and a day after her sister, leaving him vulnerable. Their son was turned in by the bank for taking dad to the bank and withdrawing funds. What a mess! (She was the executor of her sister's estate, but it was incomplete, the atty was less than useless and in the end it fell on me, as I found out I was named the alternate executor. She didn't trust the atty and withdrew most of the money before the specific distributions were done. Thankfully a CD was deposited into the primary account when it matured, per her instructions, but the rest had already moved to the estate account. With that, I was able to honor the will distributions!)

Hopefully legal documents have been done already (wills, POAs, medical directives, etc.) If not, it may or may not be too late for FIL (even if not too late, he may refuse, given his current state of mind!)

Recommend researching strokes/dementia and helping husband to understand how this may be impacting his dad. Whatever the underlying cause is, understanding that this behavior is beyond FIL's control may help. Same for your son. Knowledge is useful and can help take away some of the hurt if they know it isn't something FIL can control. In many ways, dementia lies to the person. My mother insisted every which way that she was fine, independent and could cook. Answer = D: none of the above. Thankfully in her case she actually became a bit nicer, easy going. Staff liked her and thought she was so cute and funny! The only exception was during a bout with a UTI - out of control until we could get tested, medication for the UTI and anti-anxiety for her bad sun-downing.
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Your husband and son can see them if they wish, you're under no obligation to go, or even to stay in communication with them
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A neuro-psychiatrist once said to me of people becoming older and developing cognitive problems, "they remain themselves, but more so". Protect yourself from the ones that were always unpleasant, or selfish, or angry, or.... They probably will not mellow out (I don't want to be too negative.). I am struck by how often people on this site mention what a difficult time they have always had with people who were once much healthier, in less pain and discomfort, and not so helpless. The writers are still so disappointed at what happens. We never really getting over expecting our elders to love us the way we wish they had.
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BurntCaregiver Sep 2021
Moxies,

No truer words have ever been spoken. I believe that neuro-psychiatrist who spoke to you is right.

"They remain themselves, but more so". The in-laws of gisele28 never cared for her or even liked her. So dementia shows up and that dislike turns into something far worse.
I'm surprised it's a DIL in the role of family scapegoat and not one of their own adult kids (almost always a daughter as we all know) in that role.
Well, there isn't much gisele28 and her husband can do except learn as much as they can about Alzheimer's/dementia. Then stay away from the in-laws entirely. Don't reach out to them. In fact, they should consider them dead already and grieve the loss.
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Dear Gisele, I am in awe at the medical and personal knowledge that people on the site can give to you and so many others. I hope it helps you. All I can add is my sincere sympathy for the troubles you and your family are going through, and hope that you all have courage and can keep things together in such a dreadful time. Love, Margaret
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I'm sorry your in-laws are behaving so terribly. If they never cared for you and didn't want their son to even marry you, then I'd say it shouldn't be any great loss to you that they don't talk to you. It sounds to me like you didn't have an easy time in this family for a long time.
Think of them cutting you and your husband off as a blessing in disguise. The two of you will now be off the hook for when MIL and FIL need caregiving and from how they're being now, it sounds like they will need it soon.
Do remember that your in-laws are the ones in the wrong and not as of late either. If they've always disliked you and treated you poorly the possibility of dementia will only make it worse. You don't owe them nothing. They are and have been the ones in the wrong because they don't like you. If your husband's three siblings won't speak up to the parents and the rest of the family, so be it. Let them and their spouses become the nanny-slaves that your in-laws will demand they become very soon. You and your man are off that hook. Be grateful.
Your son is a different story though. If he loves his grandparents and wants to see them, he should. If they start bad-mouthing you or his father then he needs to walk away.
My advice is you can't change anyone. You did nothing wrong. Don't reach out to them. Be grateful that the miserable burden of that their care will no doubt be, will not fall to you and your husband.
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When strokes are involved, dementia-like behavior often follows. When dementia is involved, making up stories and believing them *confabulation* is par for the course. Sometimes, the stories are very involved & quite detailed. Your FIL has fabricated a tale about you that isn't true, but HE believes it, and it sounds convincing, b/c he gives the details with authority & passion, so he may have others believing it too! That's the 'charm' of dementia, except there's nothing charming about it. Furthermore, once the demented get an idea stuck in their head, it can't be chopped out of there with an AXE. I know this b/c I have a mother with dementia who's 94.5 and has put ideas in her own head that blow my mind. I can't convince her she's deluding herself, either, so there's no point in trying. I can tell her 10,000x that she's wrong, yet she'll go right back to the confabulated story again in 5 minutes, insisting it's true. It's probably THE most frustrating thing I've ever dealt with in my life.

So. Your FIL is my mother, but more destructive with his choice of confabulated stories. Your husband is the one who's hurting here b/c he doesn't understand the nature of his father's dementia and what confabulation means. Once he does understand what's going on, he can *hopefully* relax a bit and allow the situation to stop killing him. He's not going to be able to stop his father from carrying on like a lunatic with these stories he's telling about you, and from thinking he hates you, though. That's not possible. Unless dad has another stroke and the brain damage makes him forget that he 'hates you' and sends him off on another tangent. Sad but true.

So in the meantime, go to Alz.org and read about what I said here. Have DH read about it too, so he doesn't wind up hating his father for what he's doing to you; he can't help it; his brain is damaged now.

The best thing for you and DH to do is limit your contact with your FIL. You need to stay away from him b/c you are the subject of his wrath. You seem to be okay with it, so that's good. DH just needs to come around to understanding what's happening and not take it personally, as hard as that is to do.

I hate dementia and strokes and every horrible thing it does to our loved ones and their families, I really do. I'm sorry you are going thru such a terrible thing with your FIL, and that he's wreaking such havoc on your family. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace in the midst of the chaos.
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