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Does your father live in your house or is he still in his own place? If all this is going on in your house, then no way. You don't have to live like that having someone move your stuff and behave like that even if it is your parent. It's a different story when the adult child caregiver lives in their house. Then there's pretty much nothing you can do.
Maybe stop being his full-time caregiver. Bring in some outside hired help if possible to take some of the burden off of you. A lot of the time the senior is reluctant or downright refuses outside help. The threat of either work with the help or you go into a nursing home usually works pretty well getting them on board with new help. Good luck.
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Being elderly is no excuse for being rude, hurting someone’s feelings, or showing contempt to the caregiver. Your father is wrong and it is your right and obligation to set some boundaries. I received this advice from the practical nurse helping my mother and also from another professional, a psychiatrist I needed to see because of guilt feelings for being human to her. Your Dad is not and never was perfect so drop the guilt feelings or your relationship will suffer and so will you. As caregiver you become the parent whether your Dad accepts it or not. The ending to my experience with my mother pushing my buttons was this and put simply I no longer felt any guilt because I was the one who ended up in the psychiatric ward of the hospital with my mother not allowed to visit me. Start today being the grown up in this relationship or you will regret it long after your Dad has expired. If you keep feeling guilty you will be emotionally crippled for the rest of your life. In an effort to protect myself from my mother I changed my telephone number so she could not contact me which she did very often. I had to put some time and distance between us and she survived just fine, in fact, she fared better than I did! I did all of this with professional help from people who had my best interests at heart as I tried to help my mother. Wise up, my dear, get a thicker
skin and perhaps your Dad will start to show some respect. Stop apologizing for being human. Does he apologize to you for hurting your feelings. I am 81 years old, been married for 51 years, and I feel so much hate for my mother even though she has been gone for over 20 years. But I sleep like a baby with absolutely no guilt where she is concerned. Please, please save your self from experiencing what I did. Start now, today. You are no longer the child in this relationship!!!
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silvermoon7 Dec 2020
If her parent has dementia then they cant apologise for hurting their childs feelings. Dementia strips a person from feeling empathy or meaningful understanding. Our parent is still there. they still love us and most likely would be devastated if they could understand how much their behaviour was hurting their child. Everyone loses their temper. We are all only human. Although make up quickly though and never leave on an argument. Tell your parent you love them everyday and have no regrets
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Yes. This usually starts at about the age of 3-6 months and lasts a lifetime :)
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cherokeegrrl54 Dec 2020
Oh thats good!!! Lol 😂
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Oh my goodness , been there , done that. It sounds like your dad knows your buttons and how to push them . It is perfectly normal for you to become impatient and frustrated with him. Did he not become impatient and frustrated if you did not follow his rules when you were growing up? I have gone through the same or similar situations with my mother many , many times. I found that it helped if I took the time to ask why she wanted to do something differently than I did. Ask for his opinion , make him feel like he is still useful, still capable of making a decision. Then sometimes, when it comes to little things, if it is not a something that endangers him or your family, give in , do things his way. I hope this makes sense to you and does not stress you further but I have learned a lot over the last few years about dealing with a parent who has always and still thinks their way is best, their way is right. Try some relaxation and stress relief techniques to help you deal with those times when you want to explode. There are thousands of results in a google search for tips.
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ALL caregivers lose their patience and get frustrated at times(if they're honest). And not just those caring for parents. I would on occasion lose my patience or get frustrated with my husband during the many years I was his caregiver. I too would feel bad afterward and apologize. But really, we're all just human, and we all have our breaking points. It comes with the territory, unfortunately. Just know that you are doing the very best you can, so cut yourself some slack. And when things get to a boiling point, just go out on your back porch and let out a big scream. You'd be amazed how helpful that can be.
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cherokeegrrl54 Dec 2020
Yes and the old standby, scream into a pillow works very well in releasing stress!!! Try it
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“.....at times....”? How about almost constantly?

“Guilt” is SO USELESS. It doesn’t help us do better or even do something differently. It just SITS there, pinching and kicking us, while our LOs keep doing what THEY DO, seeming not to feel guilty themselves, at all.

Let it go, and if you’re doing the best you can with the concern you feel for him, don’t bother to ruminate on it.

Can you simplify, or organize or put away or fasten down what he moves that you don’t want moved, so that the issue doesn’t become a guilt producer?

Whatever the situation is, if you can maneuver it before you wind up having to confront him, it’s a win-win for you.
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Operator Nov 2020
Thank you.
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It is the guilt that eats me up for being impatient at times. Mind you I have always been sensitive to feeling guilty easliy.
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daddysfavorite Nov 2020
I feel your guilt! You have my sympathy. How long has your Dad been living with you? How old is he?

Mom is 92, has dementia and she drives me batty at times. The hardest for me to overcome was her incontinence (I'm still struggling). She pulls her pullups down as soon as she gets in the bathroom and dribbles from the door to the commode. Or she will insist she doesn't need to go to the bathroom and unless I can distract her, she will sit there and not go, insisting she doesn't have to go until she gets up and starts dribbling or sometimes she gets her pants up before she wets them. But in this case, I have it better than you because I know where to look, lol. And when I get aggravated (she's almost deaf, even with her hearing aids, so I have to raise my voice for her to hear) she says "yes, mama, I'm sorry" really contritely. It's cute and brings me back to reality that she isn't behaving badly on purpose.

When your Dad moves things, you probably don't know where he put them. And maybe he even tells you he didn't move it and you must have (another of Mom's lines).

Practice self-compassion. If your friend were in your position, would you berate her for the anger/impatience she feels or would you tell her it's natural to feel that way when she's under so much stress all the time?

I hope finding a safe place to vent, where you won't be judged and you will be understood (meaning this forum) will help. It sure helps me.

Prayers for you and your Dad.
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Most parents know how to push our buttons...........because they INSTALLED THEM! It's quite normal to feel frustrated & impatient with your father, I am quite sure we ALL do sometimes, because we're all human. If you're going to feel so guilty & apologetic for speaking your mind, the next time he does something irritating, try leaving the room instead of saying anything. Then come back in a little while and see if you still feel the need to address the matter. It may just pass and you won't have to say a single thing.

On the other hand, if your father is acting rude and walking away while you are speaking to him, in my mind, it's perfectly fine for you to call him out on it! Setting down boundaries with someone is necessary, otherwise they can wind up walking all over you until you DO!

Good luck!
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