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Do not quit your job, you are too young. It will wreck the social security benefits you will need to live on when you are old.
You will/may not have spousal income to help you if you choose not to marry.

Talk with an elder attorney to get your mother's affairs in order, advance directives, power of medical attorney, power of financial affairs, if she owns her home hospitals and care facilities could take it to cover (exorbitant) expenses, so it might leave you both homeless and without funds from its sale to purchase your own home. I cared for my father an toward the end I was so burned out we (my brother and I) put him in respite for a month. Part ( a week?)might have been covered by Medicare but his share was $6000 for that one month.

It might be possible and affordable to have 24/7 in home care to leave you free to work. If her funds don't cover this, look into all siblings splitting the costs.

You might consider billing her estate for the care you and your sister have provided already. Plunk that into you and your sister's own accounts after you pay taxes, social security etc. Consider a money making investment for the long haul.

If you choose to live in her house even with 24/7 aides, I don't think you should have to pay rent as you will, inescapable be a care manager for the care team.

I quit work at 62 to care for my parents in my home, drew from social security and another retirement account earlier which cost a loss of monthly benefits for the rest of my life. I am never married, so that's all there is. I'd probably do it again, because 1) I was toward the end of my career (maybe), and 2)
it was the right thing to do.

Above all, take good good care of your own physical and mental health. Walk every day, have someone you can talk honestly to because it's dark and darker at times.

Check with your EAP program at work, see if they have resources that might help. If your parents were in the military USAA might be an option for both your mom and you, they do more than just good insurance.

Blessings.
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Do NOT quit your job.
You are far too young to be caregiver to your mom.
And I bet if you had asked her 5 years ago if she would want you to give up all that you have worked for, gone to school for to care for her if she became ill I will bet you that she would have said under no circumstances should you do that.
With moms assets hire caregivers to come in and care for her while you are at work.
OR
Find a Memory Care facility where she will be cared for in a safe environment that was built for that purpose. (what changes will you have to have made in your current house to care for her when she can not go up stairs, walk into a shower, climb over the side of a tub to take a shower. Or get a wheelchair through a hallway or door way)
Placing mom in a MC facility may give her more stimulation, more activities than you or a caregiver can give if you are working. Can you get her involved in a game, take her to lunch or a ride in a van to see the color change in the fall?

(By the way, the weight gain you have had..I have blamed mine on COVID and am now calling it the COVID-19-21..was 19-20 last year!)
As far as freezing when applying for a job, everyone does that. It is difficult to make changes. It is nerves. Sorta like first day of school jitters.

Before you make ANY changes please consult with an Elder Care Attorney and make sure you have an idea what is in store, make sure you have all the paperwork you need.

If you were my daughter I would say to you...
Live your life. I will be alright. I do NOT expect YOU to care for me. MC or hired caregivers but I do not you to put your life on hold for me.
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TouchMatters May 2021
Oh GrandMaMa --- here you are again with your wisdom:
Many thanks for sharing. You are a lovely woman.

"...Live your life. I will be alright. I do NOT expect YOU to care for me. MC or hired caregivers but I do not you to put your life on hold for me."
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There s a difference between a nursing home and an assisted living facility. In nursing homes-- sometimes poorly staffed especially now since the gov idiots pay 'em to stay home... in an ALF-- there are lots of things to do during the day rather than watch TV-- yes there is a TV room-- to be with your friends and watch old video and laugh with your friends. Dementia folks can watch the same over and over and still get a big kick out of it thinking they are seeing it for the very first time-- like the WIZARD OF OZ ! Then there is the entertainment director-- who is very talented-- all sorts of arts and crafts.. and an enclosed patio to garden on.
IF you think MOM is not gonna have a good time-- wrong-- she willhave a table full of friends to interact with 3 times a day at meals !
TO find a good one-- go there visit them at lunch time-- check out the food-- look for good well prepared food-- be prepared to pay for what you get.. check out the rooms... the size of them whether she'll be sharing one or if you can afford a private one. And of course meet one on one with the entertainment director--
DO this NOW -- do not wait til she declines further... she will want to be where she is safe-- unable to escape and get hurt and totally break your hearts.
SO stop thinking about how you feel-- do the right thing. Good luck,,, GOD bless you and your family.
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GrandmaC May 2021
Yes to this suggestion. An assisted living facility will allow you to enjoy your mother and follow a career you enjoy. She will thrive in the stimulating environment. Good luck.
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It appears to me that you are ignoring your needs. You share that you have gained 30 pounds and that you feel stuck and exhausted as well as frustrated that there aren't more family willing to help with the burden. I would recommend you speak to a counselor of some sort because it is so easy to lose oneself in the care of others to the point that it is detrimental. Gaining excess weight, not getting good sleep, not eating well, and considering leaving one's employment are the warning signs that a person needs to reorder their priorities in order to reclaim health. Let's face it, it is really hard to maintain that balance of helping family yet protecting oneself. Best case scenario it's a running series of assessments and adjustments. Finding someone to use as a sounding board to help you with that would be really beneficial. Talking to them can provide the perspective that you need. It could be someone professional or it could be someone who has been through what you are going through...Just knowing that you have choices is of benefit. But you need to have a big picture with attendant goals for your life and career and your decisions need to support and protect those goals. You come first. Then, you do what you do for your mom. I was in deep in caregiving for my parents when I went on a special vacation (10 days in France!). It was the first vacation I took without family in 30 years, but that's besides the point. It took a tremendous amount of planning and preparation to be able to go away for that long because of my caregiving responsibilities. Anyway, being away gave me perspective. As I flew home, the dread of the intensity of my responsibilities for two elderly and infirm parents set in as I found myself imagining walking out onto the wing of the plane at 30,000 feet. Wow! I knew I needed to adjust my expectations of my role of caregiver right away. Without experiencing the last 10 days of relaxation, I might not have recognized how the stress was impacting me. My point is that before you do anything drastic like quit your job, I would recommend taking a week or two of respite from caring for your mom. Respite care for your mom is expensive but available most places (best case scenario) or care can be brought into the home. If home care is the answer, you need to stay somewhere else. Make a point of not thinking about anything to do with caregiving. Hit the reset button. Then, make your list of priorities and possible adjustments to your situation. You are 37 with a lot of living to do. Don't underestimate what your needs are. They are part of the equation.
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No, no, no and no. Ageism is rampant in the workplace. I was a corporate lawyer so I saw it for decades. Once you are over 40, it is very very hard to get a job. These are your prime earning years. Does you mother have a fortune she will leave you so that you won't have to worry about working or money? If so, ok. If not, you need to earn as much as possible before you are tossed out in favor of cheaper younger labor - and it will happen. Do not give up your security and your ability to live in a safe home and buy food and pay for medical care. Keep working and saving as long as possible if you are not in line for an inheritance that will allow you to never worry about money again. Think of you first - you know that airplane advice: put on your own oxygen mask first.
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TouchMatters May 2021
Many thanks. Such an inspirational and factual response.
And, coming from / being a corporate lawyer, you know what you're talking about. I hope the writer listens / heeds your wisdom.
I esp like the analogy about the airplane: Put your own oxygen on first.
In life . . . and so many on this site do not do that and wonder why they are frazzled, burnt-out, anxiety ridden, falling apart. One MUST take care of their self FIRST before being available to another. And, my analogy not as nice as yours "don't go down with a sinking ship."
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"I don't want to put mom in a nursing home."

It isn't your decision. How many siblings do you have? What would you like them to do that they aren't doing (not including the sister who helps you). You won't be able to change them. But the one you can change is YOU.

The current situation is causing you great stress (rightfully so!). You are only 37, and canNOT sacrifice your health and your financial future to the altar of elder caregiving.

What is your mother's financial situation? Can she pay for a facility? Could she become Medicaid-eligible?

Please keep us updated.
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I was in this very same spot a month ago. I was ready to hang up the towel and take early retirement at 62 but that wouldn't pay me enough to cover my medical coverage. It's really hard to separate work and family in this situation. I sat down with my boss and described the pressure I was under. I didn't want to lose my job and they didn't want to lose me. It leaves the door open for Family Medical Leave of Absence which will come in the near future. I love my job but I couldn't be happy doing it with everything else going on. Just recently we have homecare coming in a few times a week and it's just enough to keep my mind on my job and off my worries. I've still got the task of running over to moms at any time I'm needed. Bills are being paid and cable isn't shut off no more but there's still that darn old tv remote that has a mind of its own! It's overwhelming how much you're taking on but quitting won't solve a thing. It would take any amount of freedom you have left. It's really important that you hang in there and keep posting!
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cherokeewaha May 2021
Have you seen the advertisements for "tiles"? My husband kept losing his keys so, I purchased a set of 2 and put them on his work truck key chain and his personal key chain and downloaded the app to my cell phone. Once the app is set up, it be set to track the tiles to their locations. Helped tremendously. He is at home now so, I let the app expire and didn't replace the ones he had when their internal battery expired after about 4 years. It did cost about $3 a month to keep up with them. But the first set of keys he lost before the tiles cost nearly $200 to replace. They can be placed on remotes and other items that are misplaced.
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You need to take a breath & arrange a family meeting. You & your family needs to understand that just because you live there does not mean you are automatically your mom's caregiver full-time. You are entitled to your own life & career as they are. You should be able to have your dream job. What plans did your mom make for this time in her life? Is she financially able to hire home caregivers? If she is, then you should also be compensated if you or your sister still offer care. Do you & your siblings need to consider going to an elder attorney for a consultation? Do you need to apply for Medicaid? Is it time for her to go to a memory care unit? Even if you don't want to place her, you as a family need to decide what's in her best interest. She would have fulltime care, interact with others, & be in a safe environment. All of her children could continue living their lives without the stress, lack of sleep, bodily injuries, burnout & resentment of each other for lack of help. You can each enjoy visiting your mom as much as you want & know that it was a family decision. This is if your mom is unable to make any decisions for herself. She should always be encouraged to do as much as she can for herself. Good luck in coming to a decision as a family. 🙏🙏💜💜
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Imho, definitely do not quit your job. Locate facility living for your mother.
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You'll 100% destroy your own future if you quit your job to care for a parent.

What will you do for health insurance (assuming you live in the US)?

You'll have a massive gap in you work history when she dies.

Resign from being a caregiver, not from your job. Find her a facility.
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My gosh, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. You sound very caring and that you care a lot about you rmom.

The question coming up in my mind is whether your mother has much wealth or assets that will help you if you quit your job. So that you have something to fall back on. If she doesnt, then you wont be able to keep caregiving for her and I think you will need to put her in a care facility. Please please DO NOT do it yourself.

II am the same age as you and with a parent with advanced alzheimer's. I also have a demanding job and cannot afford to work. So I cant imagine that you can afford not to work. Unless as I questioned, whether your mother has lots of assets which you can use which will allow you to quit your job.

You really need to think about self preservation. Parents do not have kids to have them suffer, crash and burn. A parent wants their children to thrive and flourish, A good parent does anyway. I think you really need to look after yourself as the primacy focus.
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I am kind of in the same boat, so I sympathize. This forum helped me to realize that my mother and I will both have a better standard of living if I stay fully employed. Take some time off, get to know your local care homes, call and get tours for you and your mom to visit, work with her to become familiar, enlist family to help.
A new job at the moment could compound your troubles and may not offer the escape you are hoping for. It is awkward for them to let you go under FMLA, so get that protection if you have not already.
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Don’t you DARE resign from your job!!!!! But DO resign from caregiving!!!

There is help and good news! You’re not alone as most of us here in position of years of caregiving…and resentment. You have the power to change your life for the better…instead of continuing to go down the dementia foxhole..with your mother. If you continue the “self destructive “ path, you will be fired from your current job, put on more pounds, never have a social life..& you will be abused by your mother. Dementia gets worse. My mother is 94 & I’m 62. I wish I was 37. I would do things so differently. I’m leaning towards placing my mother very soon as her agitation increases & now she don’t recognize me at all. You must NOT ruin your life anymore. Things are opening up & so is life. I just gave similar advice to another woman close in age to you. I told her not to make the same mistake I did. She wanted to not take a job opportunity in return for being a caregiver for her mother…

About me: Here I am 62 and still with my mother..94 with dementia..& getting worse every day. Career on hold ..never married & no children. I often wonder…how did I screw up so bad? Or sacrifice MY LIFE?!? I made my mother my life …my bad decision.

Take some time off with family leave to tour facilities.

If you want her to stay home, hire full time 24/7 live in caregivers. Get your own apartment.

If you stay home with her, she won’t let other caregivers touch her & will only want you to change her diaper.

HUGS 🤗
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Lizzie123 May 2021
Wonderful reply !!
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If you can, apply for a less stressful position. Whatever you do, do NOT quit entirely. Trust me when I say, I have seen some friends give up jobs to caregive and when the person passes their lives are ruined career wise. They have no money, no recent credentials upon which to fall back, and being over 40 can be a kiss of opportunity death.
Love your mother, care for her to the best of your abilities, and hire home care if she has some money to draw upon. If she is broke, all the better. Apply for Medicaid and she will qualify for caregiving, meds, etc.
I was in a similar position, now close to retiring. So I get the multiple stressors. Your siblings are burdening you because they are applying "singlism". That's the idea that an uncoupled, unchilded person should be the sacrificial person upon whom all burdens are placed. Nonsense. Your mother has several children. They need to pitch in. Advise them you will see an eldercare lawyer to decide what is best for your mom. They will perk up at that. You are not their default slave because you didn't spawn.
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Hello Bintum

Congratulations to you on your Master degree!🎂👏🏾 .✅

You stated that you are doing the work you love;and with a “great agency” ✅

Sounds like to me that you are are living your LIFE on purpose.

Your Mom is blessed to have you has a caregivers ;as well as her youngest child.

Caregiving is a life changing experience which does need as many family members as possible to be involved. Especially working together as Mom life will change dramatically. Form my experience with my BF caregiving for his Mom of 88 years old. Dementia is rollacoster journey for family,friends,doctors,and all involved.

Can you take a leave of absent from work? Having some quality time and a limited amount of distractions will help you to “THINK” before making a major decision of quitting your job that you love ,and work hard to get.

Space from distraction has a way of letting you hear,and not feel with high emotions. Decisions should be a process weighting all options before making final decision. I have learned this!

I know you want the best life for your Mom ; but
you must must consider your needs first. Mom is pulling from you therefore you must take care of your soul,spirit,and your body!FIRST

Think first,journal,and pray to God the higher power for direction for all decision. “Trust in the Lord with all thy heart and lean not to thy own understand and in all thy ways acknowledge him and he will direct thy path. Proverbs 2:5,6

Stay will this web site;great resources and support.

Have a peaceful Day!
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It isn’t just income that you will be giving up but retirement in the future. Your pension, if any, would be smaller and your Social Security would also be smaller as it’s dependent on the number of years worked and how much you’ve contributed over the years. At your age you may not think about this now but when you are in your 60s or 70s you may wish you had continued working.
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You are suffering burnout. Caregiving is a demanding job. You also have a full time job. Doing both may be leaving you feel exhausted with not enough energy to give to anybody.

May I suggest that you need to expand the caregiving team. You and your sister need a few more helping hands - other family members, friends, members of faith community, paid help - to give you a little more "time off" daily and weekly from caregiving and working.

May I suggest that you use your "time off" to meet your needs. Get a thorough physical from your primary care doctor. Get your dental health check-up. Make sure you get plenty of rest (7-9hours), healthy meals, and exercise in sunlight. If these don't help to "recharge" your battery, then consider seeing a counsellor to work through issues that keep you from progressing.
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It's very stressful being a caregiver and having a challenging job. In my opinion, 37 years old is too young to quit your job to care for an elderly parent. You also have to think of yourself and how you'll be caring for yourself as a single person. Dementia only gets worse. There may come a point where you will not be able to care for her by yourself, even if you quite your job. You need help! Get connected with a social worker in your area who can discuss your mother's options with you. Perhaps you can put her in elder day care and/or get aides to come in to help. Since there is a house involved, you probably should speak with an attorney at some point. If she has to go into a facility. Make sure all of her paperwork is in order while she can still sign legal papers. She needs to set up power of attorney for legal and financial matters, a living will with her medical directives, a will (needed, because you have siblings), also many banks and financial institutions have their own POA forms, and you need to be on record with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak on her behalf. You have two basic options: people to help with her care in the home and placing her in an assisted living facility. It will depend on how much care she needs, and what she can afford. You may have to sell the house if she moves to an assisted living facility.
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