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It's not wrong to ask, just be prepared for answers you don't want. If they aren't willing, don't dwell on it (speaking from experience here). Just move on without them and find out what works for you. Take care of your needs above all others; if that means to find a place for mom, that may be what has to happen. My humble opinion.
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My brother is useless. Itll only cause conflict when I ask him so sadly I just do what I want/need to. Just know what the reality is, accept it and move forward. Life is harder when we have expectations and ppl dont follow and we get dissapointed. Sucks but we’re in this together. Make sure to take care of yourself.
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PaulBern Nov 2021
Right on!!!!!!!!!

Paul, the 24/7 caregiver.
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They should be helping with the care of their mother. But everyone is entitled to their opinion and maybe they feel like she needs to be in a facility with professionals taking care of her. If you are overwhelmed and are at a crossroads with taking this on alone, you really only have two options. Look into at home care if she can afford it or qualify for something. Or you can place her in a facility. You don't mention her health issues so I'm not sure if she needs assisted living or memory care or what...? What your siblings don't realize is that you never get a break. You might want to bring that up. Did you move in to your mom's home or did she move into yours? If you moved into hers, your sisters might feel like you taking care of her is fair trade for a place to live. They would be wrong in assuming that. There are 720 hrs in a month. If you were paid only $10 per hour, you would be making $7200 per month. That's one hell of a rent trade!

Do some legwork to see what mom can afford or qualify for before you sit down with your siblings to have a very frank conversation. I know it's hard but try to look at the facts and leave emotion out of it. Tell them you need some assistance or you're going to have to make some difficult decisions with mom. They may not care and were hoping you would come to this conclusion because then it makes you the "bad guy" for placing mom and not them.
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PaulBern Nov 2021
You are correct!
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You should call a meeting with the three of you and divide tasks between you all. Do this now because the longer you wait, the more burned out you will be. Explain that you must have help. If finances allow, (use your Mom's) hire a caregiver to be with her a few hours daily or as you determine is best. It goes without saying that all your mother's health care directives, poa, and will/trust should be in place. If not be sure to get this done by a qualified elder care attorney who can help her qualify for Medicaid, in which you can get some in-home aide care. This will greatly help with giving you some respite time.
I can assure you that the more you take on, the more they will let you. As SURVIVING said, either one of your siblings may not be willing to do everything that you have taken on. Brainstorm ways that they can and will help you, such as alternate weekends, shopping, cleaning, doctors appointments, etc. Try to take the approach of "teamwork" rather than "me" work. Don't think about it, call your meeting TODAY. I wish you the best.
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Just as many have responded here, no it isn’t wrong to ask them for help. In my experience, however, the problems arise when you expect them to do what you are willing to do or anything at all! When my Mom needed care suddenly after a stroke during the height of the pandemic, I stepped up (along with my family) and made the mistake of thinking my two sisters (I’m the youngest of three) would be willing to do the same. One sister was completely supported by myself and my parents when her husband left her years ago with 2 small children which made me think she would do same for Mom. Boy was I wrong! I would love to save anyone and everyone from going through the arguments and ultimately the ruining of our sibling relationship if I can. Although looking back our relationships were not so great anyway. But all the same, don’t expect anything when you ask. Be prepared for excuses. My sisters had every excuse and still do almost two years later. They do come each one day a week, for a few hours when it is convenient for them and will cancel when it is not. I have hired outside help. Which one sister became angry (go figure) with because I didn’t consult her first! Ha! This was after she made it clear she wouldn’t do any more than a few hours a week. I do it all. All doctor visits, I’m POA, both medical and financial so why wouldn’t I just hire help in my own? You will find they want to be involved in Devi on making just not hands on stuff. Anyway definitely ask them, but prepare yourself and be ok when they say no. What I have learned during this journey, is most people don’t want their lives disrupted and that’s ok. You do what you can and want to do then hire help if needed. Or consider placement if that is right for you and your LO. But Don’t resent others for what they won’t do. It gets you no where trust me! And yes my relationship with my sisters is forever changed, not because of what they won’t do to help with Mom’s care, but because when I saw their true colors amidst this family crisis, I realized I didn’t really like the people they are. Good luck to you! I hope sharing my experience will help you navigate caregiving with your sisters better. As many here say it is not easy and I am forever thankful for this forum!
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bundleofjoy Nov 2021
dear Surviving! :)
sending big hugs!

i disagree with some things you write. but we can just agree to disagree.

you wrote:
"be ok when they say no."
"Don’t resent others for what they won’t do."

i completely disagree.
----
:) i'm just writing here in general terms, not specifically regarding your message, Surviving:

...i do agree that anger will have bad consequences for oneself. to be in a constant state of anger, of course, can't be good for one's health.
...i don't agree that you shouldn't resent.

i absolutely resent my 3 older brothers for doing nothing to help, and i believe it's totally ok and right to resent them.

you shouldn't (i think), pretend like you're not angry.
i even think it's unhealthy not to be angry, when it's justified to be angry; bottle it up; pretend something is ok, when it's not ok.

i do think the siblings should hear your anger. scream at them, whatever, they deserve it; write a letter. get it out of your system. it doesn't matter if they don't read it. you said what you had to say. don't protect them from hearing your anger.

it's absolutely angering when things are unjustly distributed and you're the one doing all the helping. no it's not a choice. if you have a conscience you won't abandon your parents. you'll find some sort of solution (whether it's a facility, advocating for LO's needs with staff, making sure the LO is treated well, etc.). (i'm not talking about incredibly abusive parents/criminals/etc., whom you're estranged from). generally, your conscience won't let you -- totally -- abandon your parents, and do absolutely nothing. and if your siblings do nothing, you're left with the short end of the stick.

choosing between totally abandoning (and forever feeling guilty) and helping, isn't a choice.
...totally different example: "i'm giving you the choice between killing your friend, or your other friend. what do you choose?"...the point i'm making is, that not all things are really choices.

you absolutely didn't choose for everything to be dumped on you.

and siblings who run away from helping, often KNOW there is that ONE sibling who WILL help, so from their point of view it's "ok" to run away. --------------they count on you to do it. (secretly thinking, "ah it doesn't matter if i don't help, my sweet/responsible sibling will do it. thank God she/he exists!!!").

if you didn't exist, it's very possible, they wouldn't totally run away. they would be forced to do something.

i disagree that one shouldn't expect siblings to help.
one should even expect an apology from siblings, "i'm sorry. i don't want to help our parents, but the consequence of that is that YOUR life is totally affected. all the stress, problems have been dumped on you. ----- i'm sorry i did this to you. ----- and meanwhile, i'm having a great life, and getting richer and richer, my career is doing great. i have total peace of mind! yeay!... while you do the helping. and you're getting poorer and totally stressed out. i'm sorry. it's not right, from so many angles."

their inaction isn't just against the parents -- that inaction is against you.

if they cared about YOU, they would contribute help in some way, to make sure YOUR life is ok in some way.

----
dear Surviving,

i reply specifically to 1 thing you wrote. you said:
"And yes my relationship with my sisters is forever changed, not because of what they won’t do to help with Mom’s care, but because when I saw their true colors amidst this family crisis, I realized I didn’t really like the people they are."
----yes but those true colors ARE linked (i believe) to them not helping your mother. if they had helped a lot amidst the family crisis, you would have a different opinion of them right now: you might be saying, "my siblings were amazing. they showed their true nature, which is amazing, kind, respectful."

----
hugs, everyone!!! what i think...is...
..."whatever you say, whatever you do, sooner or later comes back to you."
...siblings, watch out!
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Can you and your mother consider moving her to assisted living? As I've said in other posts, many assisted living centers base residency on income, just like a NH. My sister is in assisted living and the cost is no more than the NHs in the area and in fact, if you want a loved one in a room by themselves, the charges can run a thousand dollars more than an apartment at assisted living. You, your family can visit often.
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How long have you been the caregiver?

Maybe it's time to give up that role?

What is your mother's financial situation?
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It's not wrong to ask. I'm just sorry it doesn't seem to be getting you very far.

What exactly would you like them to do?
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Its not wrong at all, it's her Mom too. Otherwise you're going to harbor resentments against your Sister.
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YES: tell them what you are best able to do, ask them to EITHER do the rest OR sit down for a Powwow to talk about who’s going to do what! You do what you can & please HIRE help - if you can - if they don’t pitch in. I don’t get why one person is expected to do it all (only daughters. of which I was one,have always had this expected of them: enuf!). But you have sisters, so that lame excuse has no value here. I wish you luck &, most of all, strength to stand up for yourself! Caregiving is EVERYONE’s work!
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It's not wrong at all. In my case, I wasted precious energy and emotional resources trying to get sibling support. I tried ALL the ways. I feel much more empowered knowing they would not save me from a burning building. I figure it out....one day at a time. And I'm learning it's okay to put myself first sometimes.
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Try pinpointing them to a particular thing you need help with. Call the most accommodating of the two and put it out there - I need one of you to do XX thing...can you and sis work it out to be here on XX day and let me know? If you put something random out there, it gives them the flexibility to put you off or never commit. Try direct.

I'm not saying this will work. Some just aren't going to help and you can save yourself a lot of stress by just accepting it. Doesn't make it right, but don't bang your head against the wall. You're the only one who will get a headache.

You do have to remember that if they work the same hours that you do, it might be slim pickin's on when they would help during that time if they are already reluctant. Some will use the excuse of not wanting to use up their vacation time or they really don't have vacation time to use.

If mom has income, use it for care. As much as you can afford to use. Be sure to let both sisters know that you are dipping into the savings (if mom has any) to use toward her care. If mom has a house separate from yours, see if you can talk mom into selling and using her money for that. Use some to modify your home for her as well -- keep receipts. If they find out you're using 'their' inheritance, they might be a little more willing. As for the house, if you moved in to mom's house to take care of her - they may have justified their not being involved based on you getting a 'free' place to live (even though the work involved makes it far from free).

Like I said, it may not work at all. They may be able to see you struggle without any guilt at all.
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2021
my2cents,

You make good points, but it's not about pinpointing and writing down the exact things the person wants help with.
It doesn't work like that. Much of the time it's more about wanting and needing the elder to literally be out of the house for a period of time.
My sibling offers all kinds of advice on what I need to be doing for our mother. They speak plainly to me and will ask directly about what I need and are genuinely willing to help.
Here's what I need. Take mother to stay at your house two days a week. Make her go. Give me week-ends off where I don't have to deal with the mess, the smells, the tv blasting until late into the night, the complaining, the negativity, the fight instigating, and the gloom and doom.
This is what I need and want, but my sibling won't deliver because the truth is no one wants this in their house. All the other stuff like coming by for a visit or taking mom to lunch means nothing. My sibling has never taken mother to a doctor's appointment, ever and mother has a collection of doctors. That's all for me.
Sometimes people in caregiving can't make a list of what they need as help from others, when the only thing they really want is to for the elder to get out for a couple of days.
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It sounds like you have already asked your sisters for help. They have already given their answer. Their answer is no. Stop asking and spend that time looking at what works for you. Then do what works for you. You don't even have to tell your sisters.
As long as their lives go on the way they want they won't even notice.
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You should say your MOM is asking for help, however, no doubt you and your sisters have different skill sets. Try to make a list of the needs, divvy them up to solve by hiring help or take them on each by each. Two sisters!! You are lucky-don't let them foist all the care off on you. This is a good time to "shake things up" as COVID 19 quarantining has changed the whole culture and many people are having to rethink arrangements that they made before 2019. Make a list of chores and care that you no longer have the energy, willingness, time to do for the next year, 2 yrs., 5 years. You'd be surprised at the solutions that others will come up with that you may have not even thought of.
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lealonnie1 Nov 2021
If the OP was 'lucky', then she wouldn't be writing a post saying that neither one of her sisters wants to pitch in & help out with their mother!
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You aren't wrong to wish you had help.
But you are wrong if you expect others to do as you wish them to do.
The sad fact I think you already know is that the Sisters will do as they wish to do with their own lives. You cannot make their choices; you can only make your own.
Skip the sisters and go right to the heart of this matter. This care may now be too difficult for you. Time to discuss with your entire family that it is now too hard for you, and you need all to discuss the next steps forward. Placement may be needed.
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It is not wrong for you to ask for their help.
It is wrong for you to EXPECT that they will help.
And following that it is wrong for you to be upset with their decision.
With whatever income or assets mom has you pay for caregivers to provide the help that is needed.
If your sisters get upset by this, with what might be their inheritance going to pay for care gently remind them that this is the option that is viable for you and that moms assets are hers until she dies.
Have you tried getting your mom into Adult Day Care? It would give you a break, it would give mom a break and get mom some socialization.
Many will pick up in the morning and drop off in the late afternoon.
(sending you a PM so please check)
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What are your mom's finances like? Can she afford to hire caregivers for several hours a week so that you can get some time to youraelf?

I recommend you call the local Area Agency on Aging to ask for a "needs assessment" to help figure what level of care mom needs.
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It's not wrong to ask. But it is wrong to expect them to say yes. Your expectations are too high. It does stink to be the one that feels stuck with all the work, but we (myself included!) often say yes out of the goodness of our hearts with no idea of how this is really going to go!

If I knew 10 years ago how things were going to unfold, I would have made MUCH different choices and would NEVER have moved my parents in with me. So now I think my sister is the smart one that said NO WAY. She does allow a few day visit once a month which is great but still an imperfect "solution".

So, it's time to adjust your expectations. Expect nothing from your sisters. Get help for your mom so you can back way down. Maybe it's time for a facility for her? I'm looking into that option REAL soon for my mom.
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It's not wrong to ask. But it's also not wrong for them to say no.

That said, you don't have to be the one either. Announce that you can't do it. And then don't.

If your mom insists on being her own POA then that's her right. And her obligation to handle her conditions.
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