My 89-year-old mother with dementia's husband died 2 months ago. She seemed to decline fast. Started wandering. Memory got worse quick. She won’t sleep at night. I am alone. I have to work 24 hours on a shift and can’t leave her alone. Feeling guilty. She wanted to go to the MC. She understands why she is there. I still feel guilty.
The fact is that she is in the best environment possible.
I agree with you. Working as a caregiver is so much harder than any other job that we have done.
You’re wise to place your mom. It’s still stressful to be an advocate for your mother while she’s in a facility but it’s a relief not to be doing the hands on caregiving yourself.
You’ll get through this. You have a good head on your shoulders. Wishing you all the best.
You didn't cause this.
You can't fix this.
Guilt isn't appropriate in any way.
I think that the words we tell ourselves are very important as they carve out paths in our brain that we walk out of habit. We define and judge ourselves with these words.
I would suggest you change out for the other G-word, GRIEF. THAT is what you are feeling. You feel grief for your parent, grief for your own limitations as a human being. It is a kind of hubris to think you have god-like powers to change this, to be able to have no job, to be able to accomplish 24/7 care of another person. We see people here vie for Sainthood daily. They are, as all Saints are, broken by it. It's a bad job description.
You are standing witness to a tragedy, to someone you love losing everything that made them who they were. It is a living death and you are being forced to see it with no powers to change it.
Is that not worth grieving?
I am so sorry. I must tell you that when my parents died, each in their 90s, I felt nothing so much as relief for the fact they no longer had to suffer these inexorable losses, relief I no longer had to fear for them, nor they for themselves.
Please don't put the mantle of grief over the burdens you already shoulder. That you care so much speaks well of you.
She recognized this would make her feel not alone as well .
Even if you were home with her all the time. You are only one person . She has many now , and she is protected from wandering . She also may make friends her own age . You can visit as much as you want . Nothing to feel guilty about .
Our circumstances change and it’s difficult for us to adjust. Transitioning to a new way of doing things is always the hardest part.
In time, you will see that you are making the best choice for your mom and yourself.
Having guilt isn’t a burden that you should be carrying. You didn’t cause your mother’s condition and you have your own life to live.
Of course, you are sad that about the circumstances. That’s perfectly normal.
Wishing you peace.