As an old Vet, I have seen many deaths and the horror always comes back to me. If a loved one is dying is it wrong not to go visit if they know longer know you? When my wife's aunt died, (who I loved very much) all I can remember is her lying in her casket. This has haunted me all my life. Today I do not want to see someone on their death bed or see them in an open casket.
I had to watch my mother die, I was horrified. She had left instructions NOT to have and open casket, but my sisters ignored her wishes. I was furious.
I did her memorial service and only spoke of the good parts of her life, as though she had never died. That is how I want to remember loved ones, as though they have simply gone away.
I spent quite a bit of time with my Grandma growing up who lived in a small town. She lived next door to a funeral home and felt it was her duty to visit there if they "had a body", whether she knew them or not. Me, being very young, had no choice but to go with her. When I became a teenager, I refused to look at anyone in a casket, I had had enough. My Grandma thought I was a terrible person for thinking that.
Through the years I have seen death, the worst was walking in to see my Dad, unexpectedly, dead in the floor, I was alone. It was terrifying for me as I dialed 911 to report it at the scene (at the time, there weren't cell phones). The firemen arriving, then the police, all were very nice and comforting to me. A fireman came to tell me that there was nothing that could be done and asked if I wanted to see him warning me that rigor mortise had set in and that his legs and arms were in the air, that news put me in more of a downhill spiral. He was pronounced dead at the scene, I then needed to wait for the funeral home to come get his body. It was the coldest day of the year, I paced the backyard with his dog for several hours with light snow falling.
I know there is a good chance I will go to wake Mom and find her gone, I am prepared for that. Even now, I open the door slowly, then watch to see her breathing.
My mother had the idea when her best friend died that she wanted to remember her as she was, and since my mother was travelling (visiting me, as it happens) when her friend took sick she continued with her plans even though I urged her to go home and be with her friend. Years later, she told me she regretted that decision and felt she should have been there, and she did not make the same mistake when my sister died. She sat by the bedside holding my sister's hand for the last few hours of her life, even though she had to sit in a wheelchair since she's no longer ambulatory. I don't know if my sister knew that Mom was with her either, but Mom knew, and that was the important thing. Yes, it's what you can live with, and what you'll want to remember in the end. I wanted my sister to be enveloped in love and warmth as she died, and we did our best to accomplish that.
Mica's comment that you should do what you can live with must be true. And especially it is certainly true in the circumstances you go on to describe, where the person to be visited is either unaware or already gone.
But if the person is in the process of dying, and wants to see you, it's a different kind of question. Unfortunately I have known circumstances where family members stayed away because it was too "traumatic" (if they'd been through your experiences, I wouldn't be curling my lip at that word I assure you) to visit. "He gets so depressed to see your mother going downhill." "Oh, but you know I hate hospitals!" Oh dearie me. Poor them.
In spite of your internal scars, you were there when your mother needed you, and you paid your respects in every way that mattered. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Others do.
You do what is right for you... yes Thank You for your service!
I visited my dad till I knew it was his last couple of days - even though it wasnt apparent he was on his last couple days, I knew it.
I did not want to be there when he passed, or after because I knew it would put me over the edge again. The cremation place came and took what was him, but wasnt any more.
My memories are now of him talking to me of happy days, I still feel as though he is in the NH joking and well.
Do what you need to do as far as visiting- I sat and held his hand and told him i loved him, and left knowing i would not go back because i knew he was passing.
I don't want to particularly visit under those circumstances, but as my cousin's POA and only involved family member, I have no choice. I will be there with her to the end with her struggle with dementia. I understand why some stay away. It's understandable.