I’m not sure how to put this but he keeps saying he’s going to be dead soon and that I won’t have to put up with him anymore. I don’t know how to reply to this. Is he trying to make me feel bad? Also, when he says things that are hurtful I correct him and pull up him on what he says. He then denies that he says anything. “ are you sure I said that? “Why would I say that to you? are his reactions. I find it hard to ignore things that are said. I’ve tried grey rocking but then he asks if I’m angry with him. The “who me?” thing is getting old. And please, no abusive judgemental answers just helpful advice. Thanks
One time she slipped up and did it in front of the rehab center social worker. She called me after I got home and tried to Gaslight me. I calmly pointed out that I knew she lied. She then said that she should just kill herself and I told her that I had to notify her social worker because if someone is that depressed we have to reach out for help and said goodbye.
She called me back and told me not to tell anyone but it was too late, since I had already had time to talk to her social worker. They followed up with her and said she was OK.
She hasn't tried threatening suicide since, although she still tries to upset me in other ways.
Grey Rock and reminding her that I WILL follow through when she makes threats of any kind, really does help.
Its an awful desease especially when they know something is wrong. He is now dependent on someone else to do things for him that he used to be able to do for himself. He is a man who grew up in a time, you show no weakness. You don't cry. Dementia takes away their dignity no matter how you try to preserve it.
Nobody can tell you precisely what your father is doing here, or what games he's playing or not playing, because we don't know him. Nor do we know the intricacies of your relationship with him. But, speaking from my experience with my mother, her dementia and her difficult personality all along, she was going for the drama all the time. Trying to stick it to me and see me get upset and angry so she could then play The Victim card. That was the game. Let me see how far I can push you and how pissed off I can make you, then I'll back off and act like the injured party and expect an apology from YOU. As mom's dementia worsened, so did all these games, until she became very advanced and then it all stopped.
I hope you can find a way to not argue with dad about any of his nonsense because then you both lose. See if you can come up with a pat phrase to say to him like I Love You Dad that may get him off the subject and onto something more pleasant. With memory loss, distraction is usually the key. That and not engaging with him to begin with.
Best of luck with a difficult situation
devoutly hope that he is not trying to press my buttons. I’m
trying not to interact with him very much because it just leads to arguments. Sometimes I feel he knows what he is doing and saying and other times, well I think he really does have dementia,
We once had a lady client who, truth be told, was a heck of a handful. We had 30 minutes to get her settled for the night and on my visit to her I was there for an hour, tearing around like a blue-arsed fly and being sniped at with commands and sarcastic comments (how to draw the curtains without knocking her books over, not to rush her when she was standing, not to leave crumbs on the table, that kind of thing). As I was drawing breath and writing up the notes, she asked if I'd be back the next evening; I said I didn't know, but it was possible. "I suppose I can put up with that," she said. Then she said quietly "if you can put up with me." My heart sank for her. She knew very well that she made our work stressful and difficult and it wouldn't make her popular with us, but how could she help being in pain and miserable and fed up with having to have strangers handling her belongings who weren't familiar with her needs and preferences? I can't remember what I said, something cheerful and courteous if probably not true, but it wasn't up to me what calls I was sent on and I never did see her again. I still hope she didn't think it was my choice.
Are you angry with your Dad?
You can never be wrong about how you feel. If you feel hurt by something he says, then you do feel hurt. You're right to tell him that what he said hurt your feelings.
But you (anyone) can be very wrong about another person's intention or meaning. What sort of thing, in what sort of context, is he saying and then denying that he said it? What do you think his intention is?
I heard an older lady say "I'll be dead soon so you won't have to worry" said with venom.
Carer sent a quick return: Do you know the exact time? I'd prefer if not on my shift - too much paperwork!
Big cackle laugh.. tomorrow then she said.
In my non-professional opinion, this sounds like depression.
"I don't know how to reply to this"
Depends on his tone & your style. Matching his emotions validates his feelings.
eg If he sounds sad "Yes, I will be sad when you are gone.. but you are here today! (add a hug 🤗).
If bitter/grumpy, maybe a tiny bit of honesty + humour..? "Well I won't miss your grumbling - but I will miss your ---- (humour/chats/whatever).
"Is he trying to make me feel bad".
I wouldn't jump to that.. Maybe he feels like a burden? The old stoic gen were raised to always avoid being a burden on others.
I have a relative that has said this a few times now. It felt more like expressing worries about her future (or lack of one). Like a little hopelessness creeping in. I reminded her that we will ALL die one day... But that day was not yet here.
If his comments are a one-off, the usual advice is simply to ignore it, and walk out of the room. Or say something like ‘yeah yeah, I’m really a horrible person, that’s all true’ – which stops the argument. If it turns into a spate of nastiness, and you can’t leave him at the time, I’d go for my ear-plugs. If you have got to the point where you can’t stand him, start taking him around to see facilities that might fit. It might even help him to see that being pleasant is his best option! Good luck, Margaret