My father is living with us, and he does and says things that are extremely irritating. Usually, I let it go and say nothing, but the last week, he is totally setting my teeth on edge and I’ve drawn his attention to things he’s done or said (BIG mistake) we’ve had two arguments this week. Just little things. He’s a gaslight extraordinaire! I feel like I’m the monster.
My husband tolerates him for my sake, but he doesn’t like to see me upset. My siblings don’t care if it doesn’t interfere with them getting their inheritance, so I tell them nothing. I did something I haven’t done in ages last night, I just burst into tears. I could feel my chest getting tight and I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I know my dad has dementia but I’m afraid I don’t take that into account as much as I ought to.
Thanks for listening.
Your husband is the one who should be having a word with your father.
He can speak plainly to him and say that either he stops with the innappropriate comments, guilt-tripping, and disrespect towards you or he will no longer be welcome to live in your house.
Then you and husband should approach your siblings and both of you speak very plainly to them. Either they step up and start helping with your father (and by helping I mean they take turns taking him to their homes on weekends), that you will be placing him in a care facility. Then they won't have to worry about their inheritance because there won't be any.
i feel you’re very right.
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I've just read through the thread and I honestly hope that you take the necessary steps to get your father into care as soon as possible. The caregiver role is hard enough with advancing dementia, without the added history of 'psychological smothering and over-protectiveness' that are but one aspect of the toxicity meted out by even mildly narcissistic parents (if there is such a thing as mild narcissism).
You'll never know how much of his behavior is disease-related and how much of it's intentional gaslighting and I doubt that he knows, but you need to have him placed in care to save your own health and sanity. This cannot continue and no amount of correcting or redirecting will change anything. You need your home back; our home is our refuge and right now, you have no refuge. I feel for you, I truly do because I came too close to placing myself in the same position.
It seems that your siblings have failed to realize that his estate is just that: His. Estate. It's not for their futures and it seems as though they don't care enough to take him in while expecting you to preserve his estate for their future enjoyment. His estate monies are for his care and to be used accordingly.
You mentioned that your brother is POA, does this include Medical POA? I only ask because you need to have medical evaluation of your father's cognition and behaviors and then use that medical documentation to have him placed in care. I would not wait until Christmas, I too see that as a stalling tactic being used by your sister.
I'm it for my Mom, I'm her sole solace and while she's still able to, she has someone call me to aid her out of the confusion and hopelessness that she finds herself in. We talk daily and I visit her weekly, as much as possible. I have to take time for myself, my grandkids, estate maters, etc. and I try to not feel guilty when it's never enough.
When my Dad passed suddenly from CoVid, I wanted to bring her home; mainly out of guilt over all that my folks did for me and mine throughout their 42 year marriage. Once in a MC unit, I fairly quickly realized that despite our solid relationship and my being a retired RN, I could not possible care for Mom 24/7. And now that all has advanced, I'm grateful that she is where she needs to be. I've been trying to have her moved closer to us, but most places have long wait lists due to critical staffing shortages. That is something you may wish to consider: getting him on the list for the facility you feel will best meet his needs.
I've seen others post about having to film their parent in their unfiltered behaviors in order to convince others of cognitive issues, cruelty, or whatever the case may be with family members and others in denial. Do your siblings care about you, your health and sanity? In my dysfunctional family system, I was the Scapegoat and perhaps some lingering family dynamics are in play here. You need to stand up for your own needs; it appears that your siblings won't.
If you can find an Elder Care specialist or care team nearby, bring your father in for eval., start looking at places for him, seek some type of Respite care in the interim, and stand your ground on your father moving elsewhere, with a sibling or in care. If you reach the point of believing that your brother is failing to properly administer estate funds and they all continue to be overly content to leave you holding the bag, then reach out to state aging services and explore your options.
You don't have to remain trapped and you cannot go on like this. The father you've loved and the complex relationship you've struggled with has reached a different place and he is perhaps now more cognitively impaired than he is the father you've always known.
If it's any comfort to know, it's possible that once dementia reaches later stages, you may again have glimpses of the loving dad you knew; the gaslighting and all the rest of it fades and they can become more kind and loving. One can hope.
just letting you know that my brother is POA. My sister is Power of Narcissism.
have contributed kind meaningful and sound advice, I thank you sincerely. I
will hoped to have resolved this situation asap but I shall tune out of this forum for a while now until the issue has been discussed. It may be a long while . God Bless all of you and your equally, if not more difficult roles as caregivers.
my sister has just told me in the last couple of days that she has been diagnosed with possible Hashimoto disease and that all the depression that she has had to deal with in the last forty odd years of her life has been caused by our father’s treatment of her. Yes my father was brutal and he was physically abusive at times. But now he has dementia and can’t remember anything anymore. and if anything we should have dealt with it at the time.
But then she went on to play the blame game with me. How when we moved Dad in with us, he wanted to get rid of all his furniture and valuables. He nagged and nagged us. I asked my brother to help us but he was too busy playing golf every weekend. So when my husband and I did get rid of it, we were the monsters in a big conspiracy against my siblings. She bought that up and went on to say that i shouldn’t have had him live with us. Yes we shouldn’t have and it was a mistake but my siblings offered no help, no other options than what we did. To top of this melodrama, she then told me that all she cares about is the money and she doesn’t want to sacrifice any of it by putting him into care. So it’s my fault for trying to do the right thing was the message I got. That my feelings and life with my husband and father means absolutely nothing to her. Nothing has been resolved. I feel like shit.
it’s all about her and always has been.
i got off the phone and was enraged . I just can’t talk to her. I’ve silenced her calls and messages on do not disturb.
the way I feel now and shall from now on, I just can’t feel any joy at the prospect of inheriting anything now. Thank Heavens my husband is financially secure. So as far as I’m concerned is that she and my brother are welcome to all my Dad’s money when he’s passed. I haven’t and won’t mention this to my Dad as there is no point upsetting him. My reward will be having no future contact with them.
I get you dont want any of dad's money but technically by not getting him out of your house and moving him into a facility you are just dealing with all of your dad's carp and preserving his money for your brother and sister.
Still not sure why you are torturing yourself by insisting on letting a demented old man who is still abusive (albeit in a different way now) live with you.
Eventually his dementia and behavior will be bad enough that you will have no choice but to place him in care.
And all the years of stress and mental and physical illness that comes from this stress of having him live with you will be your legacy from him. With the end result being the same had you placed him sooner rather than later.