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Again thank you all. I need to clarify one thing. My sister is selfish with her time. very selfish. they are retired and have their grand kids and their vacation home.. My mom does'nt have much. the house has a reverse mtge. she has some investments but not much.. She (my sister) is very fair when it comes to finances. She just won't help very much.. She dosn't(is that spelled right..lol) want to lose her own time.. Now she does love to come in and save the day(her perception) and take credit for everything my brother in law does. He is more helpfull but is throttled by my sister I sometimes beleive. So really my only worry for myself is where I'm going to go after she goe's to be with dad..
I love and accept my sister for who she is. I just wish she was a bit more helpfull.(alot more) I try to have low expectations so i don't get so pissed and frustrated at her.. it is what it is and hard as it may be i must accept her for the good and the bad..Keeping in mind she is who she is and I guess that is the way it is.. I know that if she had mom she would put her in a assisted living facility.. I can't and won't let that happen.. She would completely give up and die within months I beleive..I don't think i can do that to her..NO MATTER WHAT.. Again I can't thank you all enough.. God bless you all and the loved ones you are caring for..
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I feel your pain. I recently moved my 83 year old (demanding) grandmother in with me. I felt so guilty knowing that she was not being properly cared for in the nursing home and no one else in my family was willing to do it. This has caused a huge strain on my family, I am fortunate to have two wonderful kids and a husband. I went from being a soccer/baseball mom to having not left my house in 88 days. Every time I have interviewed someone for respite care she has treated them awfully, even growling at one lady. The sad part is she has full cognitive function, she has always been mean. I pray alot! Sorry to complain but at 2am and 4am being called incompetent is difficult. I have worked in health care for 12 years and have seen this and even knew to expect this. I miss my friends!
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Hi Baumgark ~

Sounds like you might want to start interviewing other assisted living centers or nursing homes. They all aren't terrible and give poor quality care. There are wonderful places out there with the staff to give your grandma the hours and attention she needs and, from what you say, she demands a lot. You are too young to be devoting night and day to her. Remember, working in health care for 12 years does give you some knowledge of what to expect, but at the end of your shift, you got to go home and decompress. That is much, much different than the 24/7 responsibility. Your family and your health are at stake. It is exhausting and difficult enough to care for someone who is sweet and appreciative, even with dementia, but it is another to put up with abuse from someone who has all their cognitive faculties.

Where are your parents, aunts and uncles? Someone of that generation should step up to the plate, not you! Or is it that grandma’s nasty attitude through the years has turned them all away from any desire to care for her in their homes?

Your family and young children need you to be there for them right now. They have full lives ahead of them and, as their mom, it is important that you give them the love and attention they need from you. Remember, your grandmother had the privilege and joy of raising her children and devoting her time to them when they needed her. Don’t cheat yourself and your children out of the same joys.

It isn't fair either, to subject your family to neglect and make their lives, and yours miserable because grandma is a grouch. And, at 86, she ain't gonna change. I don't think your grandmother will be happy no matter what you do or where she lives and all that is going to happen is you will miss those precious years of being a mother to your children. And, more importantly, your children will lose those beautiful and very important years of having you as their soccer/baseball mom. Time goes by so fast and you will never get these years back. There are no second chances or repeats. IMHO, don't give up this very special time in your life to care for someone who will only suck the life out of you and your family. You, your husband and children will miss way, way too much because you are tied to someone who is miserable and demanding.

Plus, her attitude will definitely affect your children’s outlook on life. Yes, we need to care for those we love and sometimes it is a good experience for children to learn lessons of love, giving and caring for family members as they grow old, but not when it may have a damaging or negative effect on their lives and future. Just a few thoughts to ponder. Best wishes filled with prayers.
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Opps, grandma is only 83. Sorry.
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Let me tell you another side to your very genuine problem. My mother had a fractured back, apparently from osteoperosis (sp?). She was bedfast and asked me to move her into my home. My mother also had to be diapered. I could not even bear to think of diapering my mother and I turned her down. That was over 20 years ago and I still feel guilty about it.

Now my wife is in late stage dementia and also in Depends. There is no way anything could keep me from caring for her in my home. We have a caregiver/housekeeper 4 hours a day, 5 days a week. I am so much more happy as things are that when my mother needed me and I will be happier the rest of my life.

My hat is off to you and to all the other care giving children that are assuming the burdens as you have. Maybe the rest of your family doesn't appreciate what you are doing but you are secretly awarded extra points among we humanists.
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It is hard to be isolated, lonely and now broke and not sure what to do or who your friends are. Sometimes it not very many and sometimes you are too busy or tired to be very social. With my car not working and no money coming in, it is a little harder. I just had to apply for food stamps, which never thought would have to do and pretty much sucks. Oh well. Maybe just go to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow. It does help to be able to vent without being judged or criticized. Thank you.
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Hello,
Yes I can relate and agree with you all except that I am Caregiver only for my mother who is 86 and depends on me for all of her basic and financial needs. I can not imagine what I would do if I had a Special Needs child to care of as well. God Bless you over and over. I can only sadly say that immediate relatives and other family relatives and friends including church members, all run and hide when you mention the word H-E-L-P. My brother and his wife are very wealthy yet do not want to hear about what is going on here. My mother needs a very expensive medicine when she has an attack of pneumonia which happens just about every winter. I have even offered my brother to pay half so as to be fair about the large expense of the drug. He refuses to hear it. I then have to beg her doctor to either give her samples or a generic drug to take its place. So Selfish. I once was told that it is you and God against the world and I now believe this is true. You dear caregivers are in my prayers.
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Fifthchild: You are a good person and like most of us here, so unappreciated in our daily lives. As you said, we're not in this for the appreciation or kudos. It the real need of our loved ones which we respond to. It is a thankless labor of love we perform. You exemplify the cream of the crop here by acknowledging others and their burdents, sharing your burden and offering information which may help anyone of us.
Jontur, I'll jump on the wagon here and agree with the thread and with you. I'm alone in many ways. Two years ago my vision went bad and I've had a series of eye surgeries (both eyes). I haven't driven in two years - in fact, my license is expired. My husband works and I am stuck at home every day and, until recently, my activities were extremely limited.

My main function has been the long distance care of my Mom, many phone calls each day and calls trying to get another sibling to get involved with Mom. (Our parents retired to an area almost 3 hours from the nearest (disabled) sibling. I'm 8 hours away.) I've traveled all day by public transportation to get to Mom when it was impossible for my hubby to get me there by car. We all do what we feel is necessary in our situations.

Despite my vision problems, using magnifiers, I help Mom with financial issues and things that just overwhelm her. I've found appliance manuals online when she couldn't remember how to turn the oven on!

All of this is frustrating because I can't just get in the car and do what needs to be done. And I can't get anyone else to see how Mom's quality of life is falling apart. She tells me all these things but no one else. She hides the problems because she is afratid of loosing her "independence".

I know there are "in home" care services available. I've spoken to one trying to get help for Mom. (She kicked them out and then wouldn't let them in again.)

If you can't get good samaritans from within your family or friends, how about a local church? That's the least expensive approach.

In NJ, there is a company called "Griswold". The cost I was quoted was less that $20/hour and they will come in for just a few hours a day a couple of days a week. They will do anything - bathing, dressing, housework, cooking, shopping, just plain old companionship - whatever you need, including some medical services. I know this company has franchises in other areas and there are other similiar services.
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Hi, I'm 46 years old. I have bin looking after my mother and father now for a long time there in the mid 80s, I have a brother that dose absolutely nothing he can't even call them up to let them hear there grandchiled on the phone wow,at this point I am doing everything it has bin a lonly road for me lost most or all my friend lashing out on people it just got so lonely in my life my selfasteam is bad from this.
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Hi Jimmymc, I'm so very sorry. And yes, this is a very lonely place, understandable. And it is terribly depressing also. I've learned quite a bit about people and society in the past years and i'm 52. People are just too busy with their own lives and problems, the economy is bad which affects your situation also. Truly, I don't know if there's a fix right now,, the only thing you can do is talk to those who may make you feel better, and see what works for you. Perhaps it's just finding company in a book, or on a chat page, or a support group. I was not liking the person I was becoming and I still struggle trying to have a life. and Those not in this situation -- well from my experience, it's best not to talk to them about it. okay?
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Jontur, if you have learned nothing else, you now know you are not alone, and the feelings you are experiencing are not unique. Please recognize that both your parents needed help and you stepped up and agreed to help. You did a great job with your father's end-of-life experience and are continuing to help your mother. Pat yourself on the back. Don't count on others to do that. You can assume that your other family members believe no one can help your mother, and your success proves them wrong and makes them feel bad, guilty, foolish and/or unworthy of your mother's love. This makes them mean and nasty in their dealings with you. That's not your problem, so don't take it on. You are doing God's work for your mother as you did with your dad, and the rewards for that are on their way to you. Give care, support and assistance to your mother with all the love you can find for her. Take pride in the difficult, unpleasant, even thankless work you do to improve your mother's quality of life. Yes, it is hard. But yes, there are rewards that your absent family members will miss out on. Forgive them, for they know not what they do. Good Luck. God Bless You.
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First let me say "You are a saint." I feel your pain but, I have only been at this for six months. I am losing my mind, never leave my house and no one in my family is willing to care for my grandmother or give me a break. You are not rambling, as I feel that this site was developed to help people like us. I chose to allow my morbidly obese invalid grandmother to move in with me. Originally I had high hopes and wanted her to be able to finish her days in my home. But, she chooses to be nasty to my children and myself. My babies come first and I have not left my home for more than 30 minutes in 5 months. I used to be a soccer mom and had a professional career and I LOVED MY LIFE. I find myself becoming a bitter hag and will not continue to do this to my family. She has always been mean and manipulative, I knew this. She beat me as a child and was verbally abusive along with other things. These things happened long before the two strokes which rendered her paralyzed. But, I felt pity for her because the nursing home was neglecting her, I know now why they neglected her. Good luck to you and if you ever need to vent please look me up on the website. It is sad when life gets overwhelming and you feel shut in. I will add you to my prayers.
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You are not alone in your situation. Don't give up. Although it is not easy, you are doing the right thing. Venting and accepting advice and help from others on this forum also helps. Don't beat yourself up. Just hang in there and try to find hobbies and other things to keep you busy and get your mind off your problems. Also, you mght find it helpful to find a support group if there are any in your area. Sorry you are feeling so isolated. As our loved ones age, they may do or say things they don't mean as it must be frustrating to get old as we will be in their place one day. It is hard if we miss our old lives, but please don't give up and keep coming back and take care of yourself.
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My Child,
When I get old, I hope you understand and have patience with me. In case i break the plate, or spill soup on the table because I'm loosing my eyesight, I hope you don't yell at me. Older people are sensitive, always having self pity when you yell. When my hearing gets worse and I can't hear what you are saying, I hope you don't call me Deaf!, Please repeat what you said or write it down. I'm sorry, my child. I'm getting older. When my knees get weaker I hope you have the patience to help me get up. Like how I used to help you while you were little, learning to walk. Please bear with me, when I keep repeating myself like a broken record, I hope you just keep listening to me. Please don't make fun of me, or get sick of listening to me.. Do yo remember when you were little and you wanted a balloon? You repeated yourself over and over until you get what you wanted. Please also pardon my smell. I smell like an old person. Please don't force me to shower. My body is weak, Old people get sick easily when they're cold. I hope I don't gross you out. Do you remember when you were little? I used to chase you around because you didn't want to shower. I hope you can be patient with me when I'm always cranky. It's all part of getting old. You'll understand when you're older. and if you have spare time, I hope we can talk even for a few minutes. I'm always all by myself and have no one to talk to. I know you're busy with work. Even if you're not interested in my stories, please have time for me. Do you remember when you were little? I used to listen to your stories about your teddy bear. When it comes time and I get ill and bedridden, I hope you have the patience to take care of me. I'm sorry if I accidentally wet the bed or make a mess. I hope you have the patience to take care of me during the last few moments of my life. I'm not going to last much longer anyway. When the time of my death comes, I hope you hold my hand and give me strength to face death. and don't worry.... When I finally meet our creator I will whisper in his ear to bless you. Because you loved your mom and dad. Thank you so much for your care. "We Love You"
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Jontur: I have read most of the threads here following your thread question. I assume you have figured out that you are doing great things, you should be proud of yourself, you will receive rewards, mom and dad reminding you how much they did for you. Well, maybe they did. I don't know. One thing I do know is how you really feel. YOU ARE LONELY. and tired, worn out, disgusted, wishing, hoping, and praying you could have some kind of life for you and your daughter aside from all the caretaking. If I really knew the answer to your question, I would have already told you. Can you call people and talk to them? Can you send greeting cards to someone? Did you go to a church before this happened to you? I do believe that God will vindicate us as we honor our folks. However, our family (your child) should come before anyone except God. I can't have a normal family life with my only daughter because of all this mess. Read my threads you will see. These Caregivers are wonderful here. Write to them. Ask questions. Give someone a hug. Start here love and stay in touch. your caregiving friend.
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everybody on this thread is telling this fellow that hes not alone. i believe his complaint is that hes indeed all alone. im tryin to kid a bit but its horrible that family and friends run when someone needs help. caregiving wont last forever and afterwards i hope you with your extraordinary strength and wisdom meet a hell of a better class of friends.. a friend let me down too but her being a decade older may see the shortsightedness of her actions eventually.. shes going to be in a wheelchair someday and i aint givin her a speck of my surplus of wheel bearing grease.. to forgive is divine but vengeance is mine. ( alice cooper)
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I get you. I understand. It is ok to be angry and by just writing your feelings down, you probably feel better. I am having a bad day too. I am torn between my family and my mom. My mom harasses by 23 year old college graduate son who is having a hard time finding his dream job. She is alienating him and I am caught in the middle of trying to help him pick up his self esteem and quietly and sweetly ask my mom to mind her own business. But she has dementia, too. She lives in the past. She does not understand today's economy or that parents really can be close to their kids. I am frustrated too. I went away today. Possibly the first time in months I was gone for more than 2 hours. I was filled with sick worry the entire time I was gone. Even though I had care for mom, the cloud of worry is more than I can handle most days because she resents outside care. "I don't need it," she says. "I'm ok to be alone." It hurts to have to tell your mom to wash her bottom and brush her teeth and listen to her lie to you when she said she did and she really didn't. It is humiliating to her, and me, when I sneak in the bathroom to make sure she washes. Today, she kept trying to open and close the shower curtain. She thought it was a window and that people were watching her. Today, I just wanted to pull the covers over my head. My son will go sit with her to give me a break, but he comes out of her room beaten down. He is learning to ignore it, but it hurts. And when your kid hurts, you hurt, but when it is your mom doing the hurting (without knowing why), it messes with your heart and mind real fast. I just need a break. My sister was supposed to help me, but she ran too.
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Has anyone tried sending your loved one to a nursing facility just for a week for a break? I don't think she will like it at all, but I am just wondering if it worked for you? Sometimes I think I am doing more harm than good by taking care of her in regard to social activity--not letting her be with someone her age, someone she can relate to.
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I am sorry. I often feel this way. It can be SO overwhelming. AS the daughter in this family I take on the caregiving. My brother is always helpful, but the direct cares go to me. My son is a CNA, but has trouble helping his Grandfather with cares. JEEZ think it is easy for ME??? sorry. I know how you feel. Giant hugs and hope you can find some way to find time for you!!!!!
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I don't have a life either - sigh - so I know how you feel. I agree with Pandoralou that respite care for your mom might be a good way to give your daughter a little extra attention ( she may feel stressed because she feels your mom is getting more attention) As for your daughter, I wonder if Easter Seals might be able to help somehow. I've started just going to the movies by myself once a month if possible, and it does help some to just get out and enjoy something.
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