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Gosh this is a cry for help - You need some support - its too hard to do alone I Know because I have done it with 3 people . Really sounds Like she does need a nursing home . Screw every One - I hate that when everyone else has a Excuse and they choose the Kind person to do all the work . Make a boundary . You sound Burnt out . I collapsed around September 15 from exhaustion . Maybe someone could Move In with her - Hire someone from a agency if Not Its time to either call 911 and Have her admitted and have the case manager transfer her out to a rehab or NH . You should Not be the Only One alone doing this Job . Where are your parents they need to take Over. Just say " I have had enough this is your parent do your job and stop taking advantage of me . I am going Home . "
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What does your husband say about this situation?

In an emergency, yes. A few weeks. A month, even. After that, no.

Your vows were made to your husband. He comes first.
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Thank you for advice. It's definitely helped a little in expanding my thought process. I'm P.O.A She has two sons that have passed and her daughter, my mother, is in the hospital with a perforated duodenal ulcer. She has a long road ahead of her as well. I appreciate the feedback so much. I told my boys (21 and 25) that they will never take care of me. I would never put that burden on anyone, especially my children/grandchildren. I've tried to talk about how I feel to people I feel close to and I usually get "you're so lucky to have your grandma and you'll appreciate the time you have had with her". I'm sure I'll have some Good memories, but most of what I experience is huffing and puffing, and cussing under her breath because I don't do or say things as she wants. She's not mean but it's very upsetting feeling like I can't seem to do anything right. She's hard of hearing too so I'm basically yelling all day. She refuses a hearing aid because of vanity. Sorry, I'm still venting. Thank you guys so much for listening. I've been feeling so down the past few weeks.
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ElizabethY Jan 2023
Hi annit77,
I agree with the other posters.
And I can't help you with much, but I used these two things with my mom-same problem, won't use a hearing aid. These are big enough they won't get misplaced, don't cost a lot, and are easy for an elderly person to use. I got them at amazon.
''Reizen Mighty Loud Ear 120dB Personal Sound Hearing Amplifier''. It was about $35.00 when I bought it, it's about $50.00 now. This one is easy to use--it just has an on/off switch and a volume wheel. (There might be cheaper ones out there.)
I also bought these cheap headphones-they work great and don't get lost.
''Panasonic Headphones, On-Ear Lightweight Earphones with XBS for Extra Bass and Clear, Natural Sound, 3.5mm Jack for Phones and Laptops, Work from Home - RP-HT2''
When I found myself raising my voice at my mom because she couldn't hear, I would also start to feel my level of exasperation rise. Not a good place to be. I had her put on the amplifier and headphones, explaining that I didn't like to yell at her. Whenever she had issues hearing I would stop, hand them to her and then talk once she had them set. The headphone jack should be compatible with older ipads and some phones, so if she wants to listen to music that way that might give you a break? Listening to music would put my mom in a good mood.
But yeah, you've put in your time and your grandma needs an alternative.
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omg. Is she totally broke? Is there no private care that can at least give you a couple nights to sleep in, or w/e? At this point I hit my lower limit (upper limit we haven't gotten to yet) and somene is comking out to asess my mom for a few hours of in home care a couple days a week so hubby and I can get out etc. They said also can do stuff like have someone overnight to handle medication dosings etc. In my case tho it is out of pocket as theres no long term care insurance, but I know there's some leeway in my moms income to handle afew hours a week so I can get out of the house and blow off steam or, yikes, even just lounge in bed a few hours.

Difference is my mom is on hospice and its not a "no one knows" dx at this stage. So. Her sundowning is going to ead to, well. The actual setting of the final sun, soon. But if there's no such dx with your grandmom. IT's just not fair to you.


as someone who knows where MY family is, I can ask, but not dramatically :/ where your gma's is. I am the daughter and would never saddle my neices with this. The ones who would help, just lost their father this year and I don't think they're ready to handle a grandparent on hospice yet after that. :/
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Go home
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You don’t need to “suck it up” for your grandmother!

Go home. Live YOUR life! I am not a grandma but if I had grandkids I would want them to be happy living their own lives.
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Grandma’s begging has 100% nothing to do with what living situation can help her be safe and in less pain.

You may be jeopardizing both your welfare AND HERS by staying in a situation that is NOT MANAGEABLE for you to do.

Be prepared for family members to be mad (or furious) at you- if you bow out THEY may have to actually HELP, and NOBODY wants to do THAT. Ooops, you’re actually doing it…….

Does anyone have POA for Grandma? If so, inform them that YOU ARE FINISHED, as of whatever date you choose.

DO NOT talk to Grandma about her situation or yours. Do not say goodbye to her.

JUST LEAVE.
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Exactly why do you 'need to suck it up and adapt'?? You are a granddaughter/son.........where is grandma's CHILDREN, aka your mom and dad? Why have you been relegated to be this woman's 24/7 caregiver? And what about YOUR home, your husband, your life and your dogs? Why do they get to suffer while you devote your entire life to caregiving 24/7???

And what person who claims to love their grandchild 'begs them not to transfer her into a nursing home' and acts THAT selfish, knowing the huge burden they are not being able to get around AT ALL? Are you lifting this woman? What happens when YOU need to call 911 for YOURSELF and your own broken back?

This situation is not sustainable at all, yet for some reason, you feel beholden to your grandmother as her only source of help 24/7, to your own detriment, and at the expense of your family!

I say, tell your parents or whoever else is grandma's POA that you're giving your 2 weeks notice. If there is no other next of kin involved here, give grandma one month's notice that she will be moving into a nursing home, that you've done your level best ALL this time to care for her, but that you're not going to sacrifice your health, your back, and the rest of your life in servitude to her for no good reason now that she's become immobile. You love her and will visit her often in her new location where she will have others to socialize with and an entire staff to wait on her 24/7 rather than one exhausted and burned out human being.

Wishing you the best of luck seeing this untenable situation for what it is. Unstick yourself right away, you can do it!
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