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Sorry to hear about your troubles. I don’t have much to add to other readers‘ thoughtful responses, but I just want to say how well-written your essay is and how much I admire your insights as well as your writing style. I’ll long remember your comment about a final exam you don’t want to take—it’s a really great line. Keep writing, you may find it’s both a helpful creative and therapeutic outlet. I wish you all the best with your situation(s).
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My sympathies on the diagnosis. It's tough to hear that despite following good health practices, the years have brought such news. It seems to me that as you focus more on your current status of health, the mom's issues will recede and you'll feel better about her sitch because she sounds in good care and you're the one, along with your sister, to ensure it keeps on.

At 65, my own "organ recital" includes a few things but not, AFAIK, high blood pressure. My Gran suffered from it, took meds and lived to 86. My mom suffered from a heart murmur diagnosed at 25 and took meds, lived until 87 in her own home until passing at 90. If these events took place so many decades ago, it stands to reason that your heart issues will receive excellent, improved care in 2019. Best wishes to you.
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I am so so sorry you are going through all these terrible trials. I just lost my husband so I am hearing you! Keep your faith if there is nothing else left. God knew your 1st and last breath before you were conceived Psalms 139 and He is the one who decides when! Try to live your life as joyfully as possible with yourself coming before your mother's happiness. Seems she doesn't appreciate what she has!
Prayers right now you!
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Dear CantDance
You are in the best possible position, mentally and emotionally, to handle this diagnosis. You have great strength of mind and heart and it is time to direct it towards yourself. You have taken good care of yourself in the past and so will do it now. Work like heck to keep that positive attitude - it will help you in every way - the mind and body are so interconnected.

I don't mean to raise hopes, but have you gotten a second opinion? That's always a good idea, if only to be sure you've explored all avenues.

Be open to alternative therapies, also, if they seem at all relevant. For example, Eastern medicine may be a good supplement to Western. I have been impressed how helpful it can be to use different modalities to get at a physical problem, and not rely just on my Western doctors.

It's a good time to build a plan for your finances, healthcare, housing. You can always change it, but having a plan can bring peace of mind.

It's also time to start building a support community for yourself, if you don't already have one - I'm thinking of people who you can meet in person and talk with. A therapist may be helpful, also.

There is still lots of joy out there for you. Thank you for sharing with us.
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Several people have posted great advice. Now, I've never been where you are, exactly, but your post is so articulate that I kind of feel a little of what it must be like. And my first question is: what do you want most to do while you're feeling well and fit? When you look in the mirror and don't know what you're seeing, ask your reflection: what is most important to me? What do I want most to do with my life?

Do I want to devote my time to caring for my mother, who is in a good place with great care?

Or do I want to devote my time to caring for the family I have chosen - my DH, my kids, and myself? And even more, what do I love most about this life? What things give me energy, happiness, and fulfillment?

In addition to the medical care you now must arrange for yourself, I hope you're able to dig into your most deeply held and cherished values. Learning them may surprise you; they might not be what you expect! But it's all okay. Knowing these things about yourself will help you make good decisions as time goes on and life throws different things at you.

Sending support and energy your way. Never apologize for "wordiness." Keep us posted on how you're doing!
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If you do not take care of yourself, there will be no "caregiving you."
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I am sorry to read of your dx. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but all I can say is that you are a strong woman and God has you in the palm of His hand and He won't let go of you so don't let go of Him.

God bless you.
Hugs!!
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It can happen to any of us. Who knows what life has in store for us? Who knows what lurks inside at any time? Although I don't always follow my own advice, definitely reduce the stress of care-giving for mom and focus on you and those you care for who care back, do things you enjoy, take each day as it comes. While it is good to learn all you can about this disorder, don't focus on it. Learn what it means, what you can or can't do and then focus again on living.

So often in these threads people suggest stepping back from care-giving and say take care of yourself first, otherwise you are no good to anyone. It is so true. Mom doesn't need to know, she'd probably just find ways to blame you for getting this. I'm sure my mother would! As for your kids, I think it would be best to learn all you can and have all testing done to see where you stand before bringing it up to them. By then you should have time to plan for your own future and then can best advise yourself and your family members. It might be good to at least broach the subject with your sister, in order to offload some care to her - you can give her details or you can just provide bare minimum, such as having a medical issue and you need to back off. Your choice how much information to give to her.

Given advances in medical care, and following the advice/treatment by your doctor, you have a good chance at many more years of life. Don't focus on the *possible* symptoms and fallout of this condition or the timeline - with good care and treatment you may never have to worry about them. Remembering how it was for your grandmother is no way to look at it today! She did not have the benefits of today's medical systems.

Clearly to reduce some stress AND focus on yourself and the rest of the family, offloading some responsibility for mom is advisable. Others suggested appointing another POA - unless the documentation specifies a secondary POA, you won't be able to do this in a legal sense. Mom has dementia, enough to be in MC, so she cannot appoint another and a POA cannot appoint someone else - HOWEVER, you can delegate duties to others, if they will comply. Offload as much as you can and limit visits (4 hour drive is stressful enough, never mind the visit!!!) Hopefully her financials are stable and require only minimal intervention on your part. Medical - this is where sister might be able to fill in for you, if mom needs a lot of medical treatments.

Not knowing a lot about this condition you have been Dxed, I did a lookup. There was a nice overview at:
https://www.heart.org/en/health-topics/high-blood-pressure/the-facts-about-high-blood-pressure/pulmonary-hypertension-high-blood-pressure-in-the-heart-to-lung-system

From that site, this was the most positive statement and stood out to me:
"While pulmonary hypertension has no cure, you can live an active, fulfilling life by working with your doctor to manage your symptoms."

Focus on that!!! You CAN still have many years of active happy life!

Best of luck and keep your chin up.
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Hi, cantdance. You've already gotten tons of great support and encouragement, but I feel compelled to add mine as well. You are such an articulate, perceptive, and caring woman. I am SO impressed at the life you have created for yourself, despite a narcissistic mom. I am SO sorry that you are having to deal with such a life-changing diagnosis, particularly as you have worked so hard to live a healthful life.

I am dealing with a similar situation, which I don't need to go into here. But please know that your story has motivated me to make some difficult care decisions concerning my 92-year-old mom that I have been putting off. For what it is worth, that is a huge gift you have given to me, and I greatly appreciate it.

Please check back in here and let us know how it is going. Best wishes to you.
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