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I share caregiving of MIL with DH. She has always been extremely tight with money which comes from decades of conditioning from her controlling husband who has since passed away. She sends me in search of unicorns… For example, sunglasses that fit perfectly over her existing regular glasses, cost $10, and are available on the spot. Or, a mattress that costs $99 and includes free haul away of the old one. Most recently, she wanted me to shop around for the cheapest dental service. She’s been seeing the same dentist for over a decade and he’s fine.


She is not a victim of the Great Depression and has enough money to last the rest of her life. I realize I am very fortunate in that regard. It’s as if $10 is the same as $10,000 to her. She frets constantly.


By necessity, I have gotten better at recognizing when she’s sending me down the path in search of a unicorn. She is sensitive and insistent, and also has a bit of dementia. She’s not really capable of solving these problems on her own, hence, her request that I spend my time doing it. I don’t want to snap at her, but when I decline to spend an entire day trying to save her $10, she gets very upset with me. She means well, but has no concept of time or money. She really never has. She fixates.


Has anyone else experienced this, and if so, what has worked?

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M 89yo mom can be like this. But, she is reassured when I keep her check book balanced and she can see her money. (Her bills are on auto pay, and her statements come in to her email which she no longer checks - I do - so I'm the one who can reconcile her account.)

In the larger scheme of things, it's a minor issue for me. Perhaps if your time is monetized with an hourly rate your MIL would be able to weigh what she wants you to do against how much it costs you of your time. Just a thought.
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dentist" tell her the dentist requests that she rinses with pure organic coconut oil and swishes in mouth for at least 5 minutes... work up to 20 minutes : spit out; brush teeth, floss, and takes a metal tooth pick to remove excess plak.. done, cheap, and it works...... baking soda if necessary... mouth wash to feel fresh and clean... this will give her something to sink her teeth into, and it is good, feels good and refreshing. google it.
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Many times elderly people develop a real sense of narcissistic entitlement. They truly believe that getting old means that everyone in their life is supposed to be waiting at the ready 24 hours a day to wait on them hand and foot and cater to their every whim. If she never really had any concept of time or money then she never really had to be responsible for anything. People like this almost always expect the world and everyone in it to not only assume total responsibility for them, but to cater to them as well.
I suggest you tell her what I used to tell my cheap father.
'You can't take it with you'.
Don't go wasting a whole day chasing down unicorns for her or using $25 in gas running around for her so she can save 25 cents. Put the brakes on that now or it will get worse.
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my mother was this way but she was a child of the depression. She never changed. Ever. We did her grocery shopping for her and had to hide the receipt and try to tell her we forgot to get it or it fell out of the bag. She would still spend her days looking thru the sales ads and wanted us to go here there and everywhere looking for the items that were on sale. Even if it was 10 cents cheaper someplace else. Thankfully if we remembered, we could take the ad and price match at Walmart. But if we hit the grocery store on the way home after work, then we just went wherever. I controlled her checkbook so she didn't know what we were spending, but she would always question and fuss. It was hard to deal with it and I feel for you. The best way is to lie. Tell her you went to the place she wanted you to and you got it for the cheaper price. Don't give her the receipt if you can get away with it. You will have to learn to control that situation yourself and not let her do it for you.
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Imho, yes, I can relate. My mother, who was a child of the Depression era mindset thought a meal out at a non fast food restaurant for 4 people should cost $12. My mother widowed early and as a result, had 3/4 of a home mortgage loan to pay off. Her SS income at TOD was $1,223/month, yet she was able to own her home and have a savings account from years of thriftiness. Prayers sent.
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PoofyGoof Dec 2020
Wow, That’s great!
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My mom is very thrifty and I'm on her checking account, so I manage her money. She always asking can she afford it. We weren't poor growing up, but with a father in the military who got paid twice a month, she is just accustomed to being frugal. I go over her statement with her each month and though she complains she can't see anymore, she can read that cable bill.
She can't have but a certain amount in the bank or she'll have to pay for her own health insurance. So, I remind her to spend it on yourself or the government gets it.
As has been said here. I don't tell her the real cost on some things.
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Oh yes!
And as you stated, it is likely cause by her tight wad, controlling husband.

My aunt was like this as she grew up in an abusive home during the Depression, lacking the basic necessities. It was ingrained in her to be a tightwad, even though her husband was a good provider. She sent me on a few unicorn journeys as well.

Her son-in-law handled her money (I thank God for him), and did it well. She went for a long time needing a bridge in the front and had a big gap. She fretted and fretted over the money but SIL assured her she had plenty and some insurance. He contacted the dentist and made payment arrangements and gave strict orders they were NOT to let her know the price. Well, she asked and demanded the info. They hemmed and hawed and I think one lady told her it was $200. She believed it and left. (It was really more like $2,000). My sister and I joked that if aunt found out the real price, she'd go storming back to that office, yank out the bridge and slap it on the counter and demand her money back! :-)
And she WOULD HAVE!
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This is my dad... a child of the depression and a bit of a hoarder. He's living with me now and I'm searching for future ALs. He has short term memory issues but he does know he has plenty of money... still, he thinks everything should cost what it used to. I've just learned to lie alot. Like say "oh, the VA is paying for that" or "it's covered under Medicare" I'm not sure what will happen once he's in the AL and if other people talk about what it costs... he may realize I'm lying to him. He's 93 and, yes, I'm fortunate that he was a saver and won't run out and can afford a nice AL. He wants to leave money to us kids but there are 7 of us and by the time its divided, it's not going to change anyone's life dramatically. But it could be spent to make his last days as pleasant as possible. Not saying extravagant, but good care and lots of attention is my goal. (And when he wants to save the butter tub or Amazon boxes in his room, I just throw it away and say "not in my house!".... )
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PoofyGoof Dec 2020
Thanks Mary! Interesting. My dad hoards empty boxes too. And office supplies. He's in AL and I haven't been inside his apartment since last March. Yikes!!! What do you suppose the fascination with empty boxes is?
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My Mom passed away last year at age 96 and Dad lives in Independent Living in a Senior community. He tells everyone he’s going to run out of money. He’s 98 and hopefully he’s fine. He gave me POA a few years ago and I tell him I’ll let him know when to worry. Though he doesn’t mention it as much now, occasionally it comes up. I set all his monthly expenses up on auto pay, paperless etc. We go over all his mail and I explain it to him & tell him what’s not important (Medicare plans etc.)

When he needed a new hearing aid, the staff at his hearing aid office worked with me in telling him they would take his old hearing aid and Mom’s hearing aid in “trade” and he was happy to hear it would only cost $200. So those “filets” come in handy.

The suggestions you received are great and most times your Mom will forget about the item she sent you on a wild goose chase for.

Just like raising your kids all over again...patience and distraction work well.

Try reading The 36 Hour Day, it was my bible for Mom and now Dad.

Hang in there! Hugs
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I am experiencing the same situation. To be honest, at times it is very difficult not to let some of my annoyance with this leak out. It seems I do better when I can see this coming (so now I am trying to practice responses ahead so I am ready). My mom is also sensitive and compassionate. I can draw on that strength of my mom's by saying something like, "I know you wouldn't want me to spend hours on this or become frustrated by this when we have a good solution". My mom was a math teacher, so I am also sometimes able to say, "It just doesn't make sense from a financial standpoint, given my hourly income, to spend the time in search of possibly saving such a small amount of money." You said your MIL doesn't have a sense of the math, but maybe she would defer to that you have calculated the savings and that the best "deal" is to not keep searching for a better deal. My mom fixates too, which has frustrated my siblings and I am on my own with my wonderful husband to care for mom in our home (our choice, but came with challenges). At times, I have found I have had to be firm with her which gives me no joy, but I need to get better with boundaries and this is my chance to grow as well. I know it is hard for my mom to give up so many things at this stage, but my running around like a crazy person on some of these tasks doesn't help her with those losses. I have to remind myself of this, and I am still learning this truth. Good luck with your situation!
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PoofyGoof Dec 2020
I'm going to try your line -- thanks!  "I know you wouldn't want me to spend hours on this or become frustrated by this when we have a good solution".
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I agree with bevthegreat. If you do the shopping, you can tell her you got a deal. In the Alzheimer’s group they call these “fillets”, white lies that help and do no harm. Such “tightness” from her and even from her deceased husband, comes from anxiety. I’ll bet if you asked her why knowing she had money was so distressing, the “mistake” she perceived would mean she was in some sort of trouble. She is very fretful- does anything calm her?
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PoofyGoof Dec 2020
She's high on the anxiety scale. Always has been. She's calm when others are calm, but feeds off any perceived tension. Definitely a fretter!
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A lot of elderly want to save bc they are terrified to run out of money when older. They also let the house completely go.
Scammers will also call to see if they can get a live one on the phone. Then they befriend them and start asking for money, or say they won the lottery. My mom had to turn the ringer off to stop a guy from Jamaica calling. He was relentless. Early morning to late at nite trying to get money from dad. They cold call till they find someone. He also started writing checks to every fake or real charity. Would send for things found in the back of magazines. Thousands lost. He didn't even open the boxes.

What if you told mil your still looking. Leave it at that. Tell her you havent got the best answer, or deal yet. Still looking into it. Or with covid their shut down you can't. No one open if she understands about that. Maybe that will work? Just keep saying you are looking into it. Dont actually do it.
If you are son are poa get mom's money locked up in case another salesman comes to the door. Or get a ring/door cam that will go to your phone so you know who came to the door. The scammers will not stop. They know the elderly have dementia.

Gold luck
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PoofyGoof Dec 2020
Money is monitored and managed, but not "locked up" as you say. She definitely gets calls like you've mentioned, but tends not to bite because she's still in the frame of mind that she must hang onto every dime -- fortunately? I suppose that's a way to turn the tables.
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My mother is the same. She lived alone for years with declining cognitive abilities, and couldn't add and subtract anymore, so she never knew how much money she had in the bank. When I went grocery shopping with her, she would freeze in the bread aisle for 10 minutes, trying to decide between two loaves of bread with a price difference of 20 cents. When I had the annuity lady come over to the house and show her how much money she had, my mother was quite distressed at such a large number and couldn't imagine where it even came from--she thought there must be some mistake! I had thought asking the annuity lady to come over and explain things was brilliant on my part--I thought once mom understood how much money she had, she would be relieved and happy, and stop dickering over every minor purchase. But it didn't work out that way. At the same time, she was vulnerable to scams. An unsolicited saleswoman came over one day and it took only 20 minutes for a total stranger to convince my mother to part with $20,000 for a new roof! My mother accepted a payment plan for the roof that would take her 11 years to pay off! My mother refused to believe me about the 11 years--instead she took the roof payment plan paperwork to the bank and asked the teller to figure it out. When the teller gave her the same answer, she finally believed it. Then she did realize that an 11 year payment plan was ridiculous, so she took $20,000 out of the annuities to pay for the roof. The lesson here is: don't leave them alone for one second if they have access to their money! My mother loved catalogs that constantly came in the mail--flowers, gifts, clothes, jewelry, books, etc. That could be an alternate activity for your mother.
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XenaJada Dec 2020
That roof story totally pisses me off! I formerly lived in a rather large house with a steep pitch roof. Had the roof replaced with architectural shingles. Cost was around $12K. One year later, my elderly parents needed their roof replaced. MUCH smaller house, cheaper roofing materials, etc. I found out later they paid $15K! I was so very upset. They were totally ripped off.

My mother has become a sucker for every "charity" that claims to help disabled vets. You would not believe the junk mail she receives daily with pics of vets missing limbs.

My dad signs up for magazines, then doesn't remember doing it and calls me wanting me to cancel them. Takes a day of wild goose chasing for me to track everything down and put an end to it.
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Juse look fir something for 5 minutes on line and tell her you couldn't find anything less expensive. Or if you handle her finances, buy the item and don't tell her how much it actually cost her.
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PoofyGoof Dec 2020
I am trying to learn -- less information is more. Right?
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Just because she is thrifty and won't spend her money doesn't mean she can't be scammed. Maybe you could take over her finances, if possible. Sounds like she may be confused.
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PoofyGoof Dec 2020
DH has an eye on the piggy bank. She still has full access, but he watches it.
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Swilson1, as you know by now, lots of caregivers of the elderly, especially those with dementia, have similar experiences. While ingrained thriftiness can certainly be part of the problem, it's also true that dementia often results in better memories of distant past than current conditions. In that regard, it might be useful to know that $10 in 1940 is the CPI equivalent of $187 today and $10 in 1950 is equivalent to $111 today. So, if your MIL's dementia is causing her to remember prices from her childhood or early adulthood, she won't be able to comprehend today's prices -- my dad certainly couldn't, so I just went along with whatever he could comprehend. Turns out white lies, if you can get away with them, are more golden than silence.

If you suspect your MIL's price memory might be stuck in the past, there's a very easy to use gov. website for seeing CPI-adjusted dollar equivalents between any two dates, which may or may not help you shop for her within the price range her memory is in (hope that makes sense). Anyway, here's the website: https://data.bls.gov/cgi-bin/cpicalc.pl?cost1=10.00&year1=195001&year2=202011

Kudos to you helping your DH take care of his mom's needs. Best wishes on this journey.
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Great thread. My folks both grew up dirt poor in the depression so we were still on depression thrift practices when I grew up in the 50s and 60s. Most of you of this age, 60 to 70, know the drill. Nothing wasted, hand me down clothes, reuse the aluminum foil,and so on.

My folks began failing in their eighties. I had moved away 30 years ago but was now pressed into service as the last surviving kid so I made many long drives to deal with elder issues. I began to notice things like the dinette set and sofa were the same ones when I was in high school, circa 1969, and held together with duct tape. Dad was developing dementia and was stuck in the 60s. That sofa .......We just got that the other day.....He’d tell me. And they had plenty of money at this point but no longer could comprehend how much they had or how much things really cost.

So to get anything done I had to construct elaborate fibs and a bit of theater. The carpet cleaner guy was a friend of mine and had a little soap left in his tank from other jobs so he’ll do ours for free. Worked like a charm. The 45 year old dryer died but guess what.....I had another old buddy at home depot who found me a new one with a couple scratches for only $50! Dad had been putzing around trying to fix the old one for a month.

On one trip home I noticed that the huge flat screen tv (the first one ever made) in the living room had a huge black vertical stripe that moved slowly across the screen. It was just nuts, mom and dad contently watching wheel of fortune on this thing. Turns out my buddy at Best Buy got us a damaged tv really cheap!

When I finally got them in assisted living it cost around $8k per month. No way could they find this out!! I had to really duck, Bob, and weave on this issue. Pretty much told them not to worry, it’s pretty cheap here and your insurance and Medicare cover it. Not.......By this time I’d been controlling the finances for a couple of years and could get away with such fibs.
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freqflyer Dec 2020
Windyridge, a touch of brilliance with dealing with your parents :)
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Unicorns do not exist as they decided not to go on the ark with Noah.
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Firstof5 Dec 2020
Are you an Irish Rovers fan?
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Unicorns do not exist as they decided not to go on the ark with Noah.

Pin on noah (pinterest.com)
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Does she actually NEED to know the cost of the glasses or whatever she is sending you in search of. If she sees a price tag and actually knows cost (you say she has some dementia) take a marker and draw a line through it and write a lower cost.
In search of another doctor tell her that to change doctors they request all sorts of tests that she would have to pay for thus increasing the cost of the visit so it would be less expensive to keep with the current dr.
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disgustedtoo Dec 2020
Actually it was a dentist for OP's MIL, and here's what I just learned (I'm changing plans next year, so I had to do some checking as NONE of the in-network dentists are anywhere near me!)

*The new dentist will charge for a new patient exam.
*If mom hasn't had a full mouth xray, they will do that too.
*If she has dental insurance, you'd have to be sure they subscribe to it.
If not, she's paying!!!

Price comparisons:
Other reasons I wanted to change dentists
1) With same place over 30 years, but it was ~1/2 to work.
2) Not working now for several years, but mom's place was nearby.
3) Decided to stay with known, despite the hike, until he retires.
4) Due to virus, and age, he retired.

Once I found no local in-network, I started with the closest place and got some prices along with the codes (those are important if you check with insurance!) I had to go recently to old place, broke part of tooth, needed cap. So, I decided to ask them for prices too. Being way out here in more rural location, I expected lower costs. Nope. In several cases, the local cost was $29 more than the other, and in one case it was $50 more (this is the cost over the out-of-network payment, aka MY cost. I also didn't get the cost of everything, mainly the usual with crown too.) I got the max dentist prices and the payments from ins using those codes. In network, a lot was "free." I think I need to check some more local places. Sure, the old place is farther, more of my time, not worried about gas with one hybrid available, but only the dentist is new, everyone else I've known for years! If they are less and a known commodity, I might continue with them.

If she has dental insurance, maybe tell her that her dentist is the only one who accepts the insurance? If she doesn't have dental insurance, you can do what I did - get the procedure name and code plus price for a few usual treatments, such as x-rays and cleanings. Then call other places with the names and codes and ask their prices. IF they are more, tell mom there's no one cheaper.
Even better, just get that info from her current dentist, make a chart and list these, then in the next row list another local dentist and make up the prices, higher than her current dentist, then the next row another dentist, etc. Is she ever going to check your work? Probably not. Just shows her that you "checked" and they have the cheapest game in town!

A "touch" of dementia CAN be helpful in situations like this. A little subterfuge can work wonders!

"...I finally snapped and said, “these aren’t going to be family heirlooms. We are getting these. It’s time to go.”"

Then there's this method you used. Make a list of things you want MIL and we go when we go, limit the time and we take what they have or we go home without.
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swilson1, we need to remember is that our parent can no longer hop in their car and look for items to purchase themselves. And that can be so very frustrating to them. It's all part of a long list of things that they can no longer do.

I do understand it can be a challenge, as my late parents were very frugal, and always wanted to make sure they bought the best quality item at a fair price. Glad they did, their "rainy day" account was ready to use when the time came.

But I do remember the days when I use to get my Mom her groceries. Afterward both Mom and my Dad would go over the grocery receipt with a fine tooth comb. If they found something that was a dime off in the grocery store's favor, they wanted me to take back the receipt and have it corrected. So I used a "therapeutic fib"..... the dime came from my own pocket and I made some scratch marks on the receipt to make it look like I was at the grocery store.

Sig other took my Dad to buy a new computer printer. Both my parents poured over Consumer Reports and decided on what model to buy. At the store, Dad found said model, but he also wanted to check prices at another store. Sig other fibbed and said he couldn't do it that day, maybe sometime next week. Dad bought the printer as he didn't want to wait.

Both sig other and myself are very frugal, in fact it is a game to us that makes us smile. The total age of the 3 vehicles we own is 87 years old.

If an appliance break down and it would cost too much to repair, we will purchase a new one, usually a floor model or one that has a dent that no one can see :P

Oh, gosh, I hope we don't drive sig other's two grown children crazy when we really get older.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
Oh my gosh, FF

My mom was exactly like that with receipts.

There was a grocery store in her neighborhood that advertised if a cashier wrung up something at the wrong price, the customer got it for free!

My mom caught it every single time! She would tell the cashier that the item was on sale and she didn’t ring it up at the sale price. She got several items for free. She NEVER missed a beat!

Sounds like your mom would have gotten lots of free items too, had she shopped at the store in my mom’s neighborhood.
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My mom, who was not cheap pre-dementia, became FIXATED on money. To the point of insane anxiety. No matter how many times we explained. No matter how many times, or how well my husband drew up a budget for her. She just would forget what he said, or refuse to read the simple budget sheet, or both. It just got worse and worse.

Now that she is in MC, she texts and asks for specific groceries. I have to say no, and remind her to ask someone at the MC. Our situations may be different, OP, but boundaries are the way to go.

Colleen
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disgustedtoo Dec 2020
If she's in MC, I would just agree, but ignore the request. Sure mom, I'll bring that over next time I visit! Would she remember? My mother wouldn't. Granted she has the text she can fall back to, but then you just tell her you brought them, where'd you put them mom?
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Oh boy, this sounds familiar. My mom was a child of the depression and was very frugal. When I became her errand runner she would frequently ask for odd or hard to find items. After a while I figured out that I could just say "sorry, it's not available anymore," or " it costs $X, do you still want it?" I usually didn't even bother to search for the item.

The worst was her endless search for a pair of reading glasses (post cataract surgery) that didn't slide down on her nose. It didn't matter how many times I explained that most reading glasses are designed to sit low she still wanted them to sit like regular glasses. I finally asked her optician to prescribe regular frames with magnifying lenses. Once she heard the price those $19 readers fit just fine!
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disgustedtoo Dec 2020
If you have a Dollar Tree, the readers are only $1
Not a great selection, but for me the price is right. Maybe some of the penny-pinching moms out there would appreciate them! They did recently change the "style" - not a big fan of these, but whatever. I broke my last pair, so it's this or big bucks, for something that probably is the same!

First pair of prescription lenses were a few years ago, needed for driving (honestly I could drive without them! Still can.) When I was picking the frame out (cheapest you have, it's for driving, I don't care!) she asked if I wanted progressive or bi-focal. I said neither. But but.. No. I fall asleep reading often and the glasses can come off, and get damaged. THESE are going in the car and will stay there (it was also a BOGO offer, so a pair for each car!) The readers I get are $1 so I don't obsess over them getting broken.

Next pair I decided to give the bi-focal a chance. Nope. HATE them. When driving into the morning or setting sun, I have to tilt my head back (short, so visor isn't helpful), and I end up driving looking through the "reader" part. GAK! Never again. I still have that first pair and often just use those.
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Just because she fixates, does not mean you have to join her in her obsession. Feel free to hand her an old phone book, a set of older encyclopedias and let her do her own research.
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Your profile says MIL is 83 yrs old. Maybe you can "do the math" for her to put it into perspective? Take the "general" total amount she has in assets and divide it by 20 (years, if she lives to be 103). Then divide the amount per year by 52 (weeks), then calculate what she can spend every day. She won't be able to argue with hard math facts. This of course is not an actual budget that takes other things into account (like medical care, etc) it's just a mental exercise and an object lesson. Also, gently remind her that your time has "value" and that you are happy to help her find a reasonable deal, but there are limits to how much time you're willing to spend doing it and that other sales people's time is also limited and valuable.
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Tothill Dec 2020
This is what I do with my Mum every time she cries poor. I tell her to sell her house, she would net about $400K. She is 86 years old. If she lives to 100, she would have $28K per year in extra spending money and that is if she did not invest it. This is on top of her pensions and investment income.
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I know the feeling of searching for things. Dad wants a certain type of tabbacco. The stores don't have it. So I searched online.
Plus, he's also cheap, when he doesn't have to be.
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It does not matter that she wants you to spend your time on her quests for unicorns. You just need to stand your ground and say, "No, I will not spend my time looking for deals for you."

Of course she cannot solve these problems, as her solution does not exist.

If you want to help, you can google the price of X and give her a list of options that can be delivered.

My former MIL who did not have dementia, felt that she needed a ride to Walmart to go grocery shopping. She expected me to drive her and stay with her in the store. At the time we had the largest Walmart in Canada and she would spend 3-4 hours walking up and down every single aisle of the store. I had better things to do with my time and after one trip, said no more. I was willing to drop her off and gave her a time that was convenient for me to pick her up again. Shortly after I arranged for grocery delivery. She complained that the groceries were more expensive and they were, but she did not factor in my time.
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freqflyer Dec 2020
My Dad was that way with Home Depot. I didn't mind going to the store, it as more interesting than a grocery store :) But after an hour or so, the only thing Dad had in his cart was a light bulb.

After some thought, I realized since Dad couldn't drive anymore, so going some place without Mom, was like Disney Land to him.

Tothill, when I started ordering groceries on-line for my parents and for myself, it was a life saver for me. But for some reason my Mom said the food tasted funny. Oh good grief, same store, same items as she use to get when going into the grocery store. No more inside grocery shopping for me.

And heaven forbid if a food item changed its packaging. I had a hard time convincing Mom is is the SAME item.... "oh no it isn't, the barcode is different".... my Mom knew her barcodes.
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Did her husband have her on an allowance? Like “Here’s $40 for the week’s groceries” and she had to calculate it to the very penny to make sure she could stay within $40?

Money is a tool for control. Her husband may have had her under his control with money. Now that she’s widowed, she finally gets control... at an age where she is losing control of other aspects of her life. So she’s clinging to the money. Like you said, she fixates.

Another take: I see where she is not from the depression era, but did she ever work or have a several activities she was into? If she was a stay-home mom all those years, her husband was the money maker. Now he’s gone and she doesn’t have that safety net, if you will. Surely if she spends ‘too much’ she’ll have to depend totally on you and DH or could end up being homeless and on the streets! Thus clinging onto money like her life depends on it, because in her mind, it does.
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PoofyGoof Dec 2020
Yes, he did have her on a budget. A strict one. I’ve heard her speak of scrimping and saving for weeks so she could spend more on a decadent dessert for a special occasion. I think you’re onto something.
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Perfect! I've found this for you -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gG7rrW8brnQ

(forgive the picture quality, the ad came out when I was still wearing high heels!)
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disgustedtoo Dec 2020
Love it!

OP, is that your mother-in-law on the phone???
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yours is a common problem with elders who are stuck in a time warp.

There is a very long thread on this forum (posted to regularly for over 3 yrs) where a DIL was so tired of dealing with nonsense that she resigned.
The problem, IMO, was actually caused by her out of state SIL who would create the chores and then call the locals to step and fetch.
The MIL wound up in a NH perhaps sooner than she would have if the local help wasn’t so worn out with incessant requests.

Having said that I have gone on a few trips myself for the right toothpaste or shade Of lipstick.
I found a dollar store often had the discontinued toothpaste. The lipstick was long forgotten when presented with a reasonable alternative.

I am glad you realize the problems are trivial but I know it’s annoying. Thankfully she doesn’t want you to take her with you while you look.

Another poster (Frequent Flyer) had a phrase she used to good effect. “I couldn’t possibly do that” and then move right on. She made a list of all the things she did for her parents and then scratched off the ones she was no longer willing to do and then scratched off a few more. When they tried to enlist her she would simply say “I couldn’t possibly do that”.
You could also say that you will spend one hour per week trying to find things. When that hour is up, no more searching until next week.

As for as her getting upset, she will get over it. After all, who else is going to do it? And for free!!
You will just have to toughen up while you wait for her to get over her pout. I know we hate to disappoint them. They really have such small lives and are probably trying their best. Sometimes we have to remind then that we are also aging and can’t do as much as we would like for them.
I am glad your DH is taking the dental appointments.
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freqflyer Dec 2020
And how I wished I had learned that phrase [which was given to me years ago on the forum] and wished I had done that list at the start of when I was on call to help my parents. Once ones parents get into a pattern, it is hard to cut back.
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