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Picasso, forgive me in advance, I'm working from my phone so i can't see your backstory. Who asked you to cone to help, was it stepdad? It sounds as though he's paralyzed and panicked. I think what you need to do is manage from afar. Call the doctor's office and tell them that you've got to leave and that dad needs help. Don't make leaving about anger, make it about getting the best for mom.
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Gosh, see a lawyer? See a therapist? Both?

Maybe both. Professionals can help you. In the meantime, maybe you could talk to your mom's doctor about this situation. Perhaps an outside agency needs to do an evaluation.

Either way, hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Blimey. Should I stay or should I go? I don't envy you such a difficult decision-making picture.

Maybe… one way to look at things would be to pile up all of the things that have been done or said that ought better not to have been, and see how many of them are attributable to the sheer stress of the situation for all involved. Then you can set those to one side. Have a look at what's left: any insurmountable issues or conflicts there? If there are, then perhaps you should at least suspend involvement until the pair of them allow you to help more actively. If not, hang in there.

You're right that getting good baseline assessments of her health and care needs is the starting point for an ongoing plan, and it must drive you wild that he doesn't see that. I can't see that you're doing anything wrong, but equally it's clear that they're both happier sticking their heads in the sand for as long as they possibly can; and short of forcing the pace and going for guardianship, calling in APS - going nuclear, in short - you're a bit stuck. I'm sorry, it's rough.
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