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Good luck with this discussion. Again, if they are to stay, that will be as paying roommates expected to pay their share and be independent of asking u for help.
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How did the talk with the two moms go? (Or is it buried somewhere in a reply that I didn't find?)
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notthemomma22 Aug 2023
Hi CTTN55 - I have it on the calendar for next week when he is at work. For 2 reasons - 1, it allows me to calm down a lttile and 2, it means I can sit them down at the table and conduct a "talk" rather than a "manifesto". I'm sure Rosephia and Gloria will have their say but I need to be calm to manage it. I will post results when it happens!
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You should tell them they are both roommates. They should pay their share as an adult, and they should pay for all else.

You should also tell them that you won’t be helping. Obviously if they do laundry, they’re fit. They can choose Uber to go places. The more they need help, the more likely they can’t stay with you.
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Here is something you can give to the Moms

August 13, 1996
Dear Abby
 
DEAR 80 AND HOLDING: Thank you for sending it to me. I agree, the rules are worth repeating. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When my husband's mother came to live with my husband and me 23 years ago, she made our lives so miserable I vowed I would never bring such misery to my children if I ever had to live with them. One day, I wrote myself a letter containing some rules. I put it in an envelope marked, "To be opened on the day I go to live with one of my children" -- then I put it away.
I've been widowed and self-sufficient for eight years, but I was recently forced to give up my job and move in with my daughter. I'm submitting that letter. Perhaps your older readers might benefit from it, as I intend to. Here are the rules:
-- Give what you can toward your keep. Any budget will stretch just so far.
-- Keep yourself clean and neat. Fresh undies and daily baths are a must.
-- Remember, it is their home. Give them privacy at every opportunity.
-- Try to make your own friends and develop interests outside the home.
-- If you suspect they would like to go away on a vacation but are hesitant because of you, offer to visit another relative or friend so they will be free to go.
-- Don't offer any advice or express any opinion on family matters unless asked.
-- Volunteer information that they might be too embarrassed to ask for, such as arrangements for your burial, hospitalization, etc.
These rules were written more than 22 years ago. I read them often and am determined to keep them. -- 76 AND HOLDING
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I was reading responses first before I commented. Then I came to your last response and that was exactly what I was going to say.

Its your home and Mom and MIL have been invited into it, YOUR home. They each get a bedroom. Maybe THEY need to share a bathroom. Then son has the downstairs shower to himself. The problem with MIL is ur DH may have allowed her to be a "butt-in-ski" before u were married. Now she needs to be told that her comments are not welcome. What goes on in YOUR home is between u and DH. Don't discuss anything in front of her.

They both should be paying something to the household but then that may make them think they have a say in what goes on in the house. I laughed when I read about the parking space. I would have said "Really Mom" and laughed. And MIL changing things, been there. We had just got home and were in the dining room. At the time I had a Hutch with two sconces on the wall opposite from where we were standing. Table in the middle. I had orange candles in them for the Fall. I guess MIL did not see us because she came into the house, went to my hutch, took out the orange candles and put in white. Left the orange on the hutch and walked out. We both stood there speechless. It was like watching a video in slow motion. Yes, I put the orange back up. I am pretty sure my DH said something to her the next time he saw her. I could tell u some stories. But I knew, this woman would never live with me. So glad I was never tested.

So yes, you have a sit down and tell them this living together is not working. Why?, because they are forgetting that the house is YOURS and they seem to have taken over. I doubt if they would have put up with what you are. So things need to change or they will need to find somewhere else to live. Give them the changes. And stick by your guns. There are HUD apts that require 1/3 of what you bring in monthly for rent. Do the mothers get along? Maybe they could share an apt. Each having their own room and bath.

When I married my DH he had bought and remodeled a home. His Mom had helped with painting, helping him pick out cabinets and made all the drapes and curtains. (She made drapes for money) And she had decorated, not in my taste. I think she thought she had a right to make comments. But, my DH told me the house was mine to do what I wanted. Before the year was out, most of her decorating was gone and mine put up. Yes, u could tell she was not happy with my decorating.
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notthemomma22 Aug 2023
Sighs... Thank you! I am hoping for some kind of resolution. Any at all. I appreciate the props though. Very very much.
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Notthemomma, good luck having the hard conversation.

These 2 women need to step up and contribute to the household, it's what members of a household do!

You got this!
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Okay, so in a previous post I recommended that the OP do a reality television show since the writers and actors are still on strike.

She could use the proceeds to buy a new house for her unwanted guests! Or themselves.

I am trying to think of an appropriate name for the show.

The OP has a catchy title on this thread, ‘Not The Momma’ is one option.

Can anyone suggest any other contenders for the name? Or vote on any of these candidates.

Burnt made the comment about one queen to a hive so another option is,
‘Three.Queens in a Hive.’

I made the comment about Buckingham Palace not being big enough for this family, so it could be called, ‘Buckingham Palace Wouldn’t Be Large Enough!’

OP won’t approve of this one 🤣 but, ‘Should I Divorce My Husband and our Mothers?’ is a contender!

A few more:

Loosing My Mind

They Didn’t Live Happily Ever After

Three’s A Crowd

One Big ‘Not So Happy’ Family!

Hey, I’m on a roll, right? LOL 😆 So, I will bet any of you that the MIL would steal the show!

One more,

Sister Moms! (Not Sister Wives)

Oh wait, what was that movie called with the three men and a baby? Three Men and a Baby.

Three women and a Husband! Or Three Men and a Crazy Husband! Or, Husband Has It Made in the Shade! LOL 😆

Or, instead of a reality show a sitcom would work! Anyone remember the show Mama’s Family starring Vicky Lawrence?

I wonder how many seasons they could do patterning a sitcom out of this crazy family!

The writers are missing out on a hit show! What actress would be suitable for playing the mother in law?
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Hopeforhelp22 Aug 2023
Hi NHWM - you are so funny!!

Jane Fonda and Lilly Tomlin can have their next show playing the mothers in law!
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Oh boy. This thread is interesting and not really about care giving. Feminism is not about being a "ball buster" or "making a husband mind". It also has nothing to do with being a control freak. Those are personal behaviors, and I can see why you don't like them. I don't like them either.

"My MIL will be brought to heel as well." Those are extremely strong words. Will your husband be okay with that? "If they choose to remain in my house, they will have to follow my rules and contribute in some form." This is very opposite from the original post where the husband is in charge.

There is a lot going on here. It can't be easy living with these two women and you appear to want to keep your husband happy. So good luck!
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NeedHelpWithMom Aug 2023
Yeah, those same words jumped out at me too. “Made to heal” is a phrase that wouldn’t exactly please darling husband about his momma! LOL 😆

She’s basically referring to her MIL as a dog! Hey, at least she’s smart enough not to invite her husband to her little chat with the two moms.
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So, Not The Mama, in the title of your post, you say that the fact that both mom and Mil are living with you "won't change.".

Now you're reading them both the riot act and showing them the door if they don't shape up.

Interesting.

To my mind, being a feminist has nothing to do with "making one's spouse mind", being aggressive or being the heavy.

It has to do with being allowed to earn and keep one's own money, have credit, be able to leave an abusive marriage and not lose custody of one's children, and speak one's mind in public.

I am 70 years old and NONE of those were legal when I was growing up.

Your mom sounds like a shrew, not a feminist.
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NeedHelpWithMom Aug 2023
I agree. OP’s mom isn’t anything like Gloria Steinem! I laughed when I saw that she compared her mom to Gloria. Her mom isn’t at all like the Gloria we all remember!
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Thanks to all who actually read the question and answered that. I didn't need marriage advice, just situational coping advice. I learned a lot from both the positive and negative posts. Let me be clear about a few things, my husband is not a "mama's boy" - He, like myself, was a single parent for 16+ years and was hired for a swing shift position in 2016. As any truly responsible single parent would do, he made accommodations for his son by moving his mother in to help care for him (in addition to relieving her of her financial burden of her house which she could neither pay nor care for) - Our house is ours, we pay for it. They contribute nothing to the financial upkeep of our home (except opinions). As former single parent households we agreed that we would team manage but he would be "the heavy" when it came to execution of rules and changes; so "beta" suits me just fine. After managing my first and my solo homes by myself, I've no interest in it. I've also no interest in being a "ball buster" and making my husband "mind". I was raised by one of those and frankly its unattractive, unappealing and also the biggest reason I'm such a doormat in the first place.

However, after reading all that and considering my mother I had a short but important chat with her. She was, wants and thrives on control. My plan is to sit them both down (without him) and come to a few resolutions (boundaries if you will) in addition to finding a way for my mother to control something (besides me - because that doesn't work at all). My MIL will be brought to heel as well. And if they aren't, there is the door and they are free to walk through it. I don't think they are cute, sweet, or in any form "Golden Girls" and they are going to know it. If they choose to remain in my house they will have to follow my rules and contribute in some form. And I have no idea where my MIL would go. My SIL doesn't want her due to past behaviors of "butt-in-ski" and her own daughter doesn't either. My mother could take care of herself again now and has the resources to do so.

If anyone is interested I will post the results of that talk later.
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LoopyLoo Aug 2023
“I've also no interest in being a "ball buster" and making my husband "mind". I was raised by one of those and frankly its unattractive, unappealing and also the biggest reason I'm such a doormat in the first place.”

There is a middle ground. Your mother (“one of those”) didn’t allow people to disrespect her, albeit sometimes in a forceful manner. It sounds like you were afraid of her. You don’t have to be like her, but it doesn’t mean you should swing the other way. You don’t have to be the doormat. As long as you’re above ground, there’s a chance to change.
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Your family could do a crazy reality television show! Hey, the writers and actors are still on strike, go for it! Make millions of dollars and give your mothers the money to buy their own place!
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notthemomma22 Aug 2023
I wish I had a laugh emoji for this response! Best answer yet!!!
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Buy a tiny Home and Move out Back in the yard away from them .
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NeedHelpWithMom Aug 2023
Or put them in the tiny house! LOL Better yet, an RV and hire a driver to haul them off to a distant location.
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If you don’t have a marriage between equals but between a “beta” (wow, kind of a toxic way to refer to yourself, in my opinion) and a boss, I’m not sure what you’re wanting to change. Your husband is the boss and you claim to like it that way. Surely he knows better than you then, right? (I’m being sarcastic here because I find this attitude in 2023 baffling …)
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sp196902 Aug 2023
It's no different then those who subscribe to religon who believe the man is the head of the house and makes all the rules.
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It won't change?
I would be waving to ALL OF THEM as I drove off.
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NeedHelpWithMom Aug 2023
Hahaha 🤣
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I would buy a tiny apartment for myself & move there.
Seriously, I need my own space. If you are happy to live in this Golden Girls arrangement, go for it.
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You married a momma's boy and you knew that. You married a man whose mother lived with him when you were dating and you still married him. But how did he manage to invite *your* mother to live with you without asking you first? Does your mother dote on him?

As for coping, get a job, volunteer, join a club, pick up a hobby, or whatever to get your beta-self out of the house.

Why can't your husband remodel the "downstairs" so that the two moms don't have to use the "upstairs" common areas? Is it possible to separate the two levels with a door that you can lock and create a separate entrance?

Since you're happy playing the beta to your husband's alpha, I would go full throttle with a happy-wife-happy-life strategy and work on your husband, who either does or doesn't care about keeping you happy.
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sp196902 Aug 2023
It's her job as the beta to keep him happy not the other way around.
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You've got some space to work with, how about you reconfigure the space to create a space for only you and your husband? If you don't have room to build a guesthouse for the two moms out in the yard, then change the space inside. You and your husband need your own kitchen, bedroom, bathroom and living space. The changes you need to make will add to the value of your home. Create the privacy that will make day to day life better.
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This sounds like a total nightmare. I think I’d be the one moving out.
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So, you say this isn't changing.

If that's so, I guess YOU have to change, right?

You need to work on acceptance that this is your lot in life. Antidepressants and tranquilizers will probably help.

And no, I'm not being sarcastic.
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NeedHelpWithMom Aug 2023
Barb,

Your comment reminded me of my neighbor across the street. She’s a pharmaceutical sales representative. When people ask her what she does for a living, she smiles and says that sells drugs! LOL 😆

You would be a great sales representative for drugs! 😊

Oh, and a couple of houses down, we have a pharmacist in the neighborhood! Drugs are a huge business for a lot of reasons!

I would definitely recommend drugs for the OP too!

I was watching a cooking show the other night. They owned a cannabis cafe’. All of the customers looked extremely chill! They offered a variety of dishes to enjoy. Cooking with pot is a lot more involved than the typical brownies that were popular in the past.
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Like so many other posters, what you really want is advice on how to change the people who are being a problem. A magic wand, which are in short supply.

No matter how you got here, this situation is not acceptable to live with for the foreseeable future. You are coming out of it worst of everyone involved. They have no incentive to change. If you want change, it has to come from you.
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notthemomma22 Aug 2023
Now this was truly helpful. I read this one last night right before bed and right after my MIL snapped her door handle catch for the nth time! That was the straw combined with this. You're right. Period. Last I checked there is no magic anything and I need to solve this - Thank you!
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7000 SF - Split the house if you can afford the remodel. You and your H live on one floor and let the mothers live on the other. Or, sell the house and get them a small place and another place for you and your H.
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What does very large house mean? 3000 SF of living space, 2000 SF? Doesn't matter. Not big enough. Maybe you can build them a guest house on your property.

Good luck!
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notthemomma22 Aug 2023
3500up and 3500 down 7k total
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Since hubby invited these women to live in your home and they won't be moving out, I suggest you move out. Stop with the "beta" talk, take his credit card and make a stand for yourself. Go stay in a hotel and let dh know where you'll be so when he comes up with a plan to get the old crones out of your house, you'll know when it's safe to move back in. He can't have it his way this time because it's ruining YOUR life. Apparently he won't get that fact until you make it crystal clear to him.

Good luck taking your home, your marriage and your life back.
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It does sound crazy and hectic, however you are being proactive. I wish I had a home to put my Mom in so she would not feel so scared. I want this to end also, my Mom was my best friend. She is all ready gone, and there is nothing I can do to make her happy. Take time for yourself. You will feel better about how you were able to care for them, when they are gone…. Also… make boundaries!
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Is there anyway you can take a relaxing trip with or without your husband? It sounds like you need a break and to clear your mind. Maybe when your mind is clear, you might come up with some solutions? One might be to build a guest duplex for the both of them so they will have their own space and you and your husband and son can have yours? Or maybe move to a different property that you could do this with?
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notthemomma22 Aug 2023
We take trips a lot. Once a month and vacations as well. It helps. I wish they had to leave once a month and give us our house for a few days!
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I think you and your husband need to re-think “he simply says ‘it won't change so why fight it’. I am not trying to fight it”.

It will change, that is for certain. Here are some options:
a) One of you will die.
b) One of you will have a major health problem requiring far more hands-on care. It could even be you!
c) You will find that being ‘beta’ gets old, too old. It’s one thing to let your DH be boss, but not when boss’s rules require the old women to rank above you as well. You are almost there already.

Here are some options if it’s c):
1) Buy some industrial ear plugs (a couple of dollars for two, get an industrial size packet). Put them in when you come within range of the LOUD.
2) Get a copy of ‘Boundaries’ (probably in your library anyway), read it and work out which bits to start on first.
3) Put a bit of pressure on the resident son to move out, not to get comfortably entrenched. Freeloading is not good for him at his stage in life. He is not in a position to be on your side, and he complicates the issues.
4) Get a lock put on a couple of doors. I’d start with access to the kitchen, so it’s yours. Other people by invitation only. This is a real statement that YOU are the wife in this set-up in YOUR house.
5) Then start controlling the food. This can be fairly dramatic, without arguing or being a health hazard. But first you need to rethink “I am not trying to fight it”.
6) Get a job or volunteer, either being something you enjoy. As you seem to be comfortably off, volunteering for people who are genuinely less fortunate than M and MIL and Son, is appropriate to your standard of living. Get out of the house. Let the olds fight it out between them, without you being piggy-in-the-middle.
7) You haven’t mentioned money. Perhaps the deal is that this is a family hostel where no-one pays board. Particularly if a mortgage is not paid off, it’s essential that everyone contributes to overheads and out-of-pocket costs. No-one will ever leave if it’s free. And when and if they do leave, they will leave you and DH with the mortgage.

Be clear that this is all affecting you much more than DH, because you are the one in the house most. Try to get your own free time at times when DH will be the one in the house. He needs to get sick of it too.

Give this a go, and then work out where to go from there.

Good luck with small steps. Most of us would take big ones, and run.
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NeedHelpWithMom Aug 2023
Oh, I love the suggestion to get a job! That’s a brilliant suggestion.

If she goes to work, then the care will fall into her husband’s lap. Let him see firsthand how much his wife is dealing with.
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No way would I deal with this, there is no way to survive with those two living with you.

Either they move out or you do, three years is not a long term investment, your husband is using you, the red flags are all waving in front of your face, pay attention.
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This is funny because my nephew is going to do the exact same thing, move his mom and MIL in with him and his wife and kids when both moms get older. That is seriously his plan.

Since you say neither mom or MIL will be moving out, then I guess you can try and set boundaries. Who knows maybe that will work. You seem to be the only one that has a problem with this entire setup so there's that.

If that doesn't work, accept that your role in this 3 woman household is to provide the sex portion in the three way relationship, his mom provides the emotional support and your mom provides ???. Kind of like sister wives but not really at all like sister wives since it's a wife, her mom and his mom.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2023
@sp

They won't respect boundaries. Once a mother or MIL moves in there's no such thing as a boundary.

They have to be moved out.
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First of all no matter how hellish life in your home has become because of your mother and MIL, they are not responsible for you starting menopause.
That is totally ridiculous.

If you don't want them living with you, make them move out. Tell them that it's not working out with them there because you do not want a hectic life and home.

You have every right to put your MIL in her damn place because it's YOUR house. Regardless of how "beta" you may describe yourself that fact does not change. Make her and your mother understand that you are the boss of your house, not them.

Please stop being afraid to tell her 'none of your business' when something is none of her business.
Or to tell her that no one thinks she's cute or funny.


As for your mother, do exactly the same thing. Tell her that how you and your man live your life together in YOUR home is none of her damn business too.

I wish I knew you personally because these two senior brats living in your house would be put in their place so fast.

If they are going to act like spoiled brat siblings bickering because one got something and the other didn't, then treat them like children.

My father lived on a farm when he was a kid. His family kept beehives for honey.


He used to say that women were very much like bees. They are sweet as the honey they make, but one Queen in a hive. If another female bee tries to step up and rule the hive, one of two things happen. Either the old Queen and the usurper fight to the death or one of them leaves and some of the colony swarms with her to make a new one.


It's still always one Queen in a hive though, and one woman in a house.

You are the Queen in your house. Your mother and MIL live by your goodwill to be there.

So while they're living under your roof, they will eat, sleep, and sh*t where and when you tell them to and no mistake.

Your husband needs to help enforce this rule also.
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notthemomma22 Aug 2023
Very sound advice. Brats is a very apt description. I am his Queen which is her issue. My own Mother is just... well, whom she is. Successful, critical, judgemental and on and on. I'm not sure exactly why she accepted my husband's offer really. She likes him. Just not me.

As for menopause, my theory there is if living with young women is able to delay menopause with their hormones, I feel like the old ladies could very bring it on by NOT... Either way I was like clockwork until they came along. I blame them. :)

It's not fear. I refuse to argue with my husband when it's not about he and I. Blending is never easy and add 2 old ladies and it increases exponentially. I've pointed out how I feel. I do not carry his sense of guilt or responsibility. My Dad was a great Dad, husband and provider. It's not my fault his sucked and left his mom with nothing. But I will NOT fight with him about them. Period.
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Wow! What a crazy scenario you have.

Three women living under the same roof! Interesting and insane.

I had to laugh when you described your mom as “Gloria Steinem.” Gloria Steinem believes in independence for women. Your mother certainly isn’t independent if she is living with you.

Your MIL seems to think that she is an “emotional support wife.” Have you told her that ‘you’ are his wife and that he doesn’t need a spare?

Your husband really takes the cake! He says, “Why fight it?” Really? I would say, ‘Why not fight it?’ It’s not fighting for the sake of an argument. It’s fighting for your sanity, your privacy and living peacefully in your home.

So, you have never had time alone with your husband? Is that correct? He was living with her. You stayed with him, hoping for what? Can you explain this?

You have had a rocky past with your mom and your husband “extended an invitation” to her as well. Is he a glutton for punishment? What did he hope to gain by adding onto your stress?

By the way, I don’t care if you live in a house as large as ‘Buckingham Palace’ it isn’t going to be big enough. Your mom and mother in law are always under foot and seem to be ruling the roost.

So, what is going on financially now with your husband? Are they still mingling their finances?

Do either of them have any serious health issues? Who owns the house? If mom owns it, move. If you own it, tell them that they must find new accommodations.

I hope these grandmothers wouldn’t expect to be able to move in with any of your children.

Geeeeeez! I hope you can separate from your parents and live life with your husband. Best wishes to you and your family.
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Fawnby Aug 2023
”I don’t care if you live in a house as large as ‘Buckingham Palace’ it isn’t going to be big enough.”

Now that is the truth! Hey, maybe you just hit on the real reason for Megxit!
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