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I have a really difficult father in law; tried and tried to be good to him when he came here, several states away, but visits usually ended in a fight (I'm just not able to lay down and take it as his whole family does, for very long, I guess); I will NOT be the one to care for him.... does that make me bad - or just wise enough to know a lose lose situation?
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Yes, one solution - remove her from your presence before her behavior and attitude destroy YOU. Do it NOW.
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Omg! Yes my mom is also acting narcissistic as she is now in moderate Stage Alzheimer’s. It never dawned on me what to exactly call it but this is very true and happening right now with her. Is it because they regress to being child like?
Everything revolves around her in her mind and only her requests and needs and wants seem important to her.
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Well all l have to contribute to all of you caregivers is l don't think there are any answers to these issues. My mom was such a actress, she could fool anybody, an you can't blame them. My mom was relentless in abuse, but l was determined to care for her, even tho she thought l was the hired help, an
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Well all l have to contribute to all of you caregivers is l don't think there are any answers to these issues. My mom was such a actress, she could fool anybody, an you can't blame them. My mom was relentless in abuse, but l was determined to care for her, even tho she thought l was the hired help, an over paid. But what l learned to late, was it was like quicksand, as time went on l was sinking, l struggled to keep going an trying harder as she declined. In this struggle to keep her in her home, an do the best l could. We were isolated, l was judged, and now that mom has died, l realized what a price l have paid. My health, l am now trying to deal with depression, the fight to get back to normal. My mom at the end of life, said l was her best friend an she loved me. I learned to love her too, we never got along when l was young.Still, the bottom line is caregiving for dementia is way to complicated and demanding, for anybody to do this work, so don't fool yourself into thinking that you are unique an can handle it. The cost is so personally high to pay. Thanks for listening, an l pray that this personal story helps those with the same determination that l had. God bless all the caregivers, an there helpers.💝
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I am relieved to see that I am not alone in feeling the way I do towards my 81 y.o. Alzheimer mother. My best friend doesn't understand me when I tell her how I feel. She thinks I can do better and I shouldn't feel what I feel. So, I stop sharing with her anything about my mother. Even though, there is not a lot of things that can help me, but knowing that many other people understand exactly what I am going through really helps me feel less guilty.
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Polarbear all you can do is your best in the best way you know how. So carry on and don't feel guilt.
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Hi Polarbear,
Welcome to the Alzheimer's caregiver hangout. You can say whatever you want here and no one will judge you. We've all been in your shoes.

I'll bet your best friend hasn't been in your situation, caretaking a demented, narcissistic mother, has she? She has no idea what you're going through. We do, at times it's pure hell.
Whether your mom was narcissistic all her life (like mine and SO many others were) or she is just in her own little world and the only person who counts is her, it's really hard to put up with.
How selfless can we be until we loose ourselves all together? No one can be cheerful 100% of the time.

Do NOT accept guilt from anyone. Don't bring up the subject, but, if she does, ask her to stay with your mom for a couple of hours while you go to a doctor appointment. THEN she'll see the other side.
Until then, keep venting away right here. We're in the trenches with you. 😉

P.S. Carve out some alone time (away from your mother) each week. It's vital for mental health!
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It is crucial you get her help from a dr . There are medications that can help and you do not have to go through this . It is hard enough without it .
Life with alzheimers is a good FB group for caretakers ,I am in it and I am a caretaker in private care who would not know nearly as much if it were not for the input of those who have been through it !
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Wow, I thought I was alone. Over 6 months ago I moved my mother to my home out of state to take care of her as her dementia worsened and medical professionals along with myself determined she could no longer live alone. For the past 9 years after my father’s passing my mother lived alone. She lived in isolation and seemed to like it that way. She began separating herself from people until three car accidents and the death of her dog. Her financial state was a mess! She couldn’t remember her passcodes any more and started charging up all her credit cards to the max. The interest kept compounding. I refinanced her home to eliminate her debt which amounted to half of the equity in her home. When I tried to find a memory care facility, they were out of her budget. I flew with her to my home to take care of her, biggest mistake of my life! She alienated herself from me and my family and my husaband and I had to remove her twice from care facilities because the cost of her care kept going up as she needed more and more assistance. Once we think her mental state is stabilized with medication, a new symptom comes up either as a side effect of the medication or her dementia. It’s a battle that never ends! Her health is surprisingly good while her mental state is declining. I feel as though my life is entirely consumed with her every need. My children feel my mother is taking away my life but I explain to them that it is the disease. My faith tells me that she is my mother and I must honor her. I hate this disease! There is no one answer or treatment, it sucks the life out of entire families financially, physically and emotionally.
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I believe every care giver deals with that an more...thats part of dealing with dementia. I have never in my life heard such hateful things my mom said to me, but most time it was about her. She didn't know anybody else exisited or didn't care. So for all that aren't up for it, it is placement time before you take on something that you can't handle. The best to you.💝
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Wow, I needed to hear these! My 82 y/o mom is blind in one eye has less than 40% in the other and has NPD. She demands to be independent while being totally needy and dependent!
I’ve just learned my mother purchased a new vehicle and has had it hid in her garage. We were out of town for Thanksgiving, and found out she actually purchased it two days before we left. Downpayment check has cleared, loan papers were signed, and now she’s claiming she was hustled and wants me to get an attorney! She lives alone, and already has a excellent car. I have POA, but she is not incompetent, I’m not sure what to do to help her now. Any advice would be appreciated.
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AT1234 I am sorry to not have any answer except to get a good elder law attorney. Your mom likely was coerced, as that is easy for salespeople to do to older folks. Go to the bottom of this page where it says Elder Law Attorneys. Don't fork out your Money!!! But Mom does need help and as her POA you may be able to help her that way. Hoping someone with a lot more experience and great advice chimes in here!!! Lots of Hugs!!
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Wow, I am not alone! I am so sorry for all of us. In my case, I am 59 and it is my 71 year old husband of 7 years who is exhibiting dementia behaviors. So far, the diagnoses are Autism Spectrum Disorder, Schizoid, Narcissistic, ADHD, Short Term Memory Loss, and maybe Bipolar. The behaviors are habitual lying, confabulation, lack of connection, avoidance of all responsibilities, dangerous impulsive actions, looking great outside of the house, and inappropriately relating to other women. I cannot leave if I do not wish to be homeless. I am inundated with work as we are two people and 4 pets on a boat. I have to do it all. He is progressively unclean. He is angry and vindictive. He gives false stories to police. I have to be a Stepford wife at all times if I do not want him to put me in jail, no joke. He has turned my family and friends against me. They think he is wonderful. He is getting crazier than a bedbug. Stage 4 chronic renal failure, has had 5 vessel heart bypass, abd. aortic aneurysm repair brought on by refusal to see doctors or take his medications post open heart surgery. Psychological and neurological testing shows he is not ok, but falls short of the dementia diagnosis. But it is dementia in action and effect. Are there any spouses out there going through this and afraid of what further damage their spouse can do to them? I have no support from anyone. I have given up trying to get any except for this post. The last therapist I tried to talk to accused me of being negative and discounted my situation. This made me feel I do not dare to look for support anywhere.
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If you don't already have POA try and get him to give it to you. It does sound as though he has so many problems he may not last very long. Will he take any medications prescribed.
One way or another he needs to be instutionized probably in memory care which he will never agree to.
His behavior outside the home is typical of dementia and is called "showtimeing"
You are clearly being abused but as you say can't afford to move.. If he is physically abusive be sure to get pictures of your injuries. Can you find a support group for abused wives? The facilitators will know of all the services available to you.
Don't give up on therapists. make it clear that this is a first visit to see if the two of you can get along. Be very proactive and put your expectations out on the table. if they are not met get up and leave. Remember you are the customer and paying their fee. you may go through a number of therapists before you find a good match but keep trying.
If you think he is alcoholic try going to alanon meetings for spouses, you may find support there and good suggestions. Many other people are in similar situations so I am sure you will get other replies. Blessings
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Have any of you read a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells? I too have a mother who is verbally abusive, always right & now is showing signs of Dementia....it will likely never be diagnosed as she refuses to see a Gerintologist. She HAS been diagnosed with a personality disorder...over 40 years ago. This book is helpful. Setting boundaries, detachment, saying no...
My mother is able to email (at age 88) and finally after up to 50 horrible emails a day, I have her emails going to my “junk” email which has helped me tremendously. I only visit once a week. I know that no matter what I do she will never appreciate it and I’m coming to terms with that. I would NEVER move her into my home. She is in a Retirement Residence & not happy about being there but I deserve a life too...and not one like hers. I’m still reading, trying new approaches, forcing myself to visit only once a week & understanding that the Retirement Residence (we put her in...& she hates) will call if she is ill or falls. It is independent living but she is served meals & has a lifeline on her wrist to call for help should she need it. I was going crazy until I started making changes...she is nasty about everything but none of us owe our lives to our mothers if we are miserable because of their behaviour. It has taken time & therapy for me to get to this point, believe me. But gradually I am taking my life back and the joy & happiness I ALLOWED her to steal away from me. Hugs to you ALL 🤗 This is a terrible thing to go through but only YOU can look after yourself & take your life back. You are NOT deserting her....she is going to be the same no matter what you do. So give yourself the gift of a little peace. And read Stop Walking on Eggshells.
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Diana,
Please don't turn your back on therapy. All therapists aren't like the one you went to. Give it another chance. Get an older female therapist, if available.
1. Have you thought about calling Adult Protective Services? They could assess how safe you (and he) are in the home (boat) and make a recommendation. At least your call would be documented on file if things got worse.

2. You could talk to his doctor (alone), detailing the problems he has and how you fear for your safety. Also, discuss the medications he takes (or doesn't take) with him. Maybe he could be helped with an anti-anxiety or antipsychotic drug. Does he have a psychiatrist? If so, Discuss the different mental diseases he has and how they are affecting him (and you!) Ask to speak to the doctor personally. Do not leave a message. Go see him face to face if necessary. Is he on meds for ALL of his psychiatric problems?

3. Do you have a neighbor or friend that you can turn to in an emergency? Get that set up "just in case" of (what you described as) "dangerous impulsive actions". You have to have an emergency plan.

4. Speak to an elder law attorney to find out what your rights are. If you get one connected with a senior center, often times their consultation is free or only a small donation.

5. Do you have religious clergy you could go to? (Priest, pastor, rabbi, Imam, etc.) Usually religious organizations are equipped to assist people in need.

6. Call a local hospital and ask to speak to a social worker. They have tons of information and referrals for situations like this.

Your situation sounds potentially serious. His end stage renal failure could be what's causing some of the bizarre behavior too, due to toxic waste buildup. Does he go for dialysis? If not, make sure he gets his blood checked for toxic levels of waste.

If you feel you are in danger, don't hesitate to call police immediately if he threatens you. Your safety is of the utmost importance.
Please get back to us soon about your situation.
You have people in the same "boat" here who can help.
Good luck and God bless.
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If you are dealing with dementia and an abusive personality, WHY ARE Y O U PUTTING UP WITH IT? No matter what the past history is, if you are caring for someone like this, then STOP TAKING CARE OF THEM. They do not deserve your care and should be placed somewhere. Even if you don't have money, there are ways to accomplish this. You do not and should not ever, under any circumstances, allow this.
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If you are dealing with dementia and an abusive personality, WHY ARE Y O U PUTTING UP WITH IT? No matter what the past history is, if you are caring for someone like this, then STOP TAKING CARE OF THEM. They do not deserve your care and should be placed somewhere. Even if you don't have money, there are ways to accomplish this. You do not and should not ever, under any circumstances, allow this.
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She probably has regressed mentally to when she was younger. When she explored and found out how well it felt. Don't make a big issue of it just explain that it is something you do in the privacy of your own bedroom. My mother did the same thing I was told by her doctor that it helps her relax so let her do it but not in public.
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Why don't people realize that dementia and narcistic people will destroy YOU and everything around you. They are what they are and NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE THEM, NOT EVEN GOD. Forget how nice or whatever they were before, this is how they are now. There is nothing anywhere that says once they become like this that you must care for them. Put them somewhere. If finances are a problem, there is help out there and they can be placed. DO NOT PUT UP WITH THIS - EVER - NO MATTER WHO IT IS OR THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
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My mother lives with my brother and I go down to spend the night sometimes, if she lets me. She has put me out the house a couple of times without a reason. Even though she lives with my brother, I try to keep him from getting involved when she does it, because when he does, it gets worst. My mother has a narcissistic personality with meaness that is very challenging too. I agree with what you said about dementia, it's like throwing gasoline on a fire. I understand my fellow caregiver. I have been trying to give my brother a break and have our mother come home with me sometimes because I live about forty miles from them but she refused. I don't know if she's afraid I want bring her back or she can't do the same things at my house that she does at his. She has practically ruined his home from her hoarding, pouring water and soda on the floor and vents along with a lot of other things. It's six siblings but it just my baby brother and I. It was the same before my father passed in 2001, just my brother and I. You are not alone. This is such a great site to come to.
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I feel for you all. My mom has Alzheimer’s and it’s so hard to see such a wonderful person struggle when my mother in law is very mean and a narcissist. When I introduced her 30 years ago to my parents prior to marrying my husband my dad asked if he was worth it due to her terrible behavior. She calls 911 constantly and especially when one of us goes on vacation. When my brother in law got married she said she was going to pass out right before the nuptials. We had to ignore her for his sake. But then she acted like a 2 year old and totally tried to ruin their wedding. My sister in law is struggling the most. She said it feels like the three of them are married. And my mother in law actually said he’s like a husband to her! Omg! Let your son have a life! Stop thinking about yourself by monopolizing every conversation and every situation.
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It’s so hard to see my mother struggle every day with late stage Alzheimer’s especially when my mother in law is a self serving narcissist. It’s always about her. She’ll fake illnesses and call 911. She’s mean and rude. She pretends illness whenever one of goes on vacation. She gossips about all of us to each other and tries to start problems. It’s so hard to live a normal life. When I was pregnant it was the worst. She would constantly get mad over stupid stuff. It was like she didn’t want the attention off of herself. I can’t handle it anymore while I have a loving caring sick mother who’s a saint.
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One has to remember that they are not in their right mind. Their synapses are not working correctly. They may be awful, and some of it may be their own personality is overwhelming even to themselves. Forgive and forget the little traumas that they throw at you. Develop a 'duck's back' - let the curses run off like water - become impervious to the slander & insults. Yes, it is difficult & hurtful, but ask yourself if your mind was in such bad condition, would you know how to act ? When it could be that every other moment is a blank or a confusion, what would you do. The human tends to react to memory lapses in a very strange way. They become defensive, can be spiteful just because their thoughts are so scrambled they do not know what they are doing. It is important to take breaks from them, as many as possible so that you do not become reactive either.
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jolanda and jamie - the narcissistic personality is very difficult to deal with. My mother has BPD and is narcissistic. Then she developed vascular dementia. I have PTSD from childhood treatment up and it was beyond a circus for a while dealing with her and trying to get her the help she needed. They don't take responsibility and want to be the center of the universe. ((((((hugs))))) I understand.

LVKDRA - it is the life long narcissism which is so damaging. It is an illness too. One has to protect oneself but the child cannot get away. I have forgiven, but that does not heal the scars from a lifetime of emotional and verbal abuse and rages. Dementia just adds another layer of stuff to deal with. It certainly is important to take breaks when we can.
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Well,very informative to read about the many facets of NPD in seniors. I imagine my mom hid hers well during her independent days but now as she is 94 the true personality enveloped in an aged brain comes steam-rolling out. Her bronchitis progressively worsened Christmas day until we took her to the ER and she was admitted. Only after she asked to be buried in her new Christmas dress...her death was the late afternoon chat Christmas day. Today As I visited her at the hospital and asked her to show appreciation to the kitchen staff rather than complain. She announced I had made her sicker and I should return when I wasn’t in one of those moods.
It’s nice to vent and see where others are caring for ‘the difficult one!’
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Yes I am ! I’ve no contact with my mother for the way she’s treated me all my life. I have however made all the arrangements for her health care and in home care. They are doing s great job and I don’t have to be in direct contact with her any more. The end.
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Meck, I can actually feel your anger. Holding onto anger against anyone is so toxic. It can consume you and take on a life of its own. Your mother and daughter are what they are and you can't change them. I found that asking God to release me from the anger and replace it with forgiveness was my answer. I hope you find relief soon.
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My Mother is also suffering with dementia and has a narcissistic personality. She has no filter. If a thought runs across her mind it comes out of her mouth. She bosses everyone and strongly believes her way is right and that she can't be wrong. I knew as a child she wasn't like other mothers but didn't understand why. I am the eldest of four. I have spent my life trying to win her love and approval. I have accepted the fact that she won't change because change requires you to acknowledge you are wrong. She offends people she sees on a regular basis, but those who meet her a few times think she is quirky. I have moved her into my home for 4 months and don't have a life anymore. She has a tendency to fall so she can't be left alone. I have prayed that God would soften her heart toward me and there is a change in her. She says thank you and please now when I do things for her, but still will fall back on occasion. I keep telling myself not to take it personally anymore and just love her and be kind. It is hard but that is what Jesus calls us to do. God does answer prays when they are pure. He answers them in His time not ours. Her doctor recommended palliative care and she has been on it for about a month. I hope you find a peace that will sustain you.
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