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My husband was very nasty and verbally abrusive before the doctor got the right medication cocktail, (Ativan .5 mg twice a day and Celexa 10mg once a day. What a difference in his attitude. He is pleasant, says please and thank you and tells me all the time how much he loves me.
I even got him to go to day care three times a week and he likes them and they love him. Talk to your doctor.
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Dear Faithfulness--
The simple fact is, when certain people deteriorate and decline with old age, they cannot function like before -- or like the rest of us. Alzheimers affects cognizance, perception, manners, socializing, even reason. In some elderly, their formerly negative tendencies get hugely magnified, and they don't have the social sense to hide them. Be patient, loving and charitable with your mom. She's declining and she knows it probably. And it's scary to her. We don't know how we'll each decline and what we'll be like when we're close to dying. All you can do is love her and reassure her. I found that for my elderly dad, when I brought our priest to him to talk with him, give him the sacraments, and represent that Christlike presence to him, it was greatly affirming to him. I, too, took care of my dad for 8 years in our home before a serious hospitalization for sepsis forced us to put him in nursing care.
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I didn't mean to sound callous. You have done all you can for her. The constant guilt trip is a drain on you. Maybe her counselor can give you advice on a way to respond to her. I don't know if trying to explain to her why she's there would even sink in. If her short term is bad, she wouldn't retain any information for long. Just reassure yourself that she is in a safe place, and well taken care of. Hopefully her resentment will fade. But if she's been demanding and unkind to you...it's just the way she is. Insecurity is definitely a cause of her despair, but Honey, if you feel that in her place you wouldn't want to be a burden,,,, then reassure yourself. Your health is suffering. You have already done all you can for her.
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Like you said, she's angry over all of this. The people who work at the home see this all the time. When a loved one will not accept that they need/should be in a facility, the guilt trip they can put on their loved ones is enormous. Keep it in front of you all the time that this is best for her. It won't be easy because also you love her but you get fed up with her behavior which is totally understandable with many of us. She also knows this is her last stop before she dies but that's the way life goes, and it's not your fault either.
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You and your husband are saints, for putting up with her for all this time. Either she will "get over it" in time. Or not! You both deserve a life. You have placed her in a good facility. Her dementia is only going to get worse. She is 85 and has lived a good long time, with a loving sacrificing daughter. She will be just fine. No Guilt, my Dear!! No guilt.
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Faithfulness - I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I too went through a similar situation with my mother. She was in independent living and constantly in need of my time (not very independent) she was drinking a large bottle of wine every day. Totally negative, but I could see through it all. She was lost and scared, lots of tragedy in her past. I finally realized that I was just increasing my anxiety and stress and could control that - couldn't control her, but I could change my approach. I decided to follow the Bible "Honor thy Father and Mother". Doesn't mean you have to jump at their command or anything else - but honor them for who they are and what they did for you, even though it may seem like it was not much positive. Just love her and honor her. When I did that, my whole perspective changed and she slowly started changing. Then she had a stroke and instant dementia afterward. We had to put her in a NH and slowly she became the loving person that I always knew was inside her. She smiled all the time. We would bring her favorite songs on CD and she would sing along and we could see joy in her in those moments. While she eventually did not know us, her final years were sweet.

I don't really have any miracle message for you. Just do what you have to for yourself, and maybe if your view of her changes, you will find a way to connect with her on a loving basis. Prayers and hugs to you.
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I agree and, as I have said, the ten days in the Senior Behavioral Clinic to fine-tune my moms's meds were worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They didn't let her go until she was in optimal condition, and I am so grateful to them.
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Well ... lack of dietary fats affects the brain, including mood. Bet she's on a low-fat diet. That messes anyone up, if they're on it long enough. Chances are she's on statins, too. Statins also mess with the brain and do more harm than good. There's a lot of information available on the web saying as much. Would your mother become more pleasant on a better diet? Maybe.

We become what we absorb. Hence, if we have a Standard American Diet (meaning focusing on high-carb processed foods), we become mentally and physically ill. If we dwell on negative thoughts, we become negative even with the best diet.

If you can, you might try to get her to make some dietary changes. Maybe she can take more fish oil, and put butter, olive oil, and coconut oil on her food. You’d need an enlightened nutritionist to back you up; I don’t know if they’re available where you are.

Yet if she’s determined to be self-absorbed and pessimistic, it’s unlikely she’ll improve.

But at least you can take care of yourself! Eat your good natural fats (not trans fats). Reduce your carbs. (Look up the ketogenic diet – it’s helped many people.) You can deal with stress better if you’re physically and emotionally stronger. Blessings to you.
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I think individual people need individual medicine my mum was put on Citalopram and Risperidone and god did they make a difference - she hallucinated and was worse than ever. After 2 days they stopped the meds.

So while one set of meds works for one there are no guarantees at all.

What I would say and it is really hard to do is detach yourself as much as you can and go visit when YOU want to. Remember she may need help you may be offering help but ON YOUR TERMS. If she is rude to you walk away you don't have to put up with it. Narcissism is a beast that can only occur if you allow it - that said I have allowed it so don't think I haven't a clue....I've fed the beast for years and now reap the consequences and they aren't easy either. You DON'T have a DUTY to care for your Mum you do have a choice and it is OK to choose NO. You just have to live with your choices. Being the coward that I am I chose yes because I can't live with the alternative - this would be breaking a promise to my Dad and I really couldn't live with that. So sit back consider what you are going to accept and make a decision and stick with it. Good luck because none of this will be easy at all xxxxx
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Daybyday88,

Well, dementia, memory loss, alz. Is there ever clear diagnosis?

She is great and no bad reactions.
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I can certainly identify with your all of these people. i am going through it right now. My mother has had issues all my life. Being the youngest of three I was with my Mother the most and my siblings have always wanted to distance themselves from her and her controlling negative behavior. Some she cannot help she was an only child and did not understand about having a sibling or understand my relationship with my sister and how she fit in with that. I could go on about that but the dementia and her illness she has now has played a toll on her. She has all the same problems as the faithfulness person she is the same age. Maybe being they are children form the 30's it affected them in some way they feel entitled to being treated differently. I try to make sure I get things for my mother at the nursing home while i am there and it seems I am putting the nurses and aids to task to satisfy her wants. We had her stay in the nursing home from rehab because we would of had to have round the clock care or my sister and I would have had to run for her and all of us agreed it would have been so difficult to do that. I sill feel guilty she ended up the one place she had not wanted to be. She does not like any of the other residents and feels she does not belong there. Since December after one fall she will not venture out of her be and has become bed bound and gets upset and has difficulties if she is in a Gerry chair for too long. We celebrated her 85th birthday yesterday, but in shifts mothers day my Mom told my sister it was too much to have us only my Sister and her two daughters and my self all at once. So we spread it out. My mother is still in control did not attempt POA for finances thought she would not pass their test. Also getting a notary was never possible anyway. Sorry if I am rambling things needed to feel like others were going through this also.
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Don't take anything she says or does with more than a grain of salt. My mom is in a memory care unit with dementia, as well as other medical conditions. Every day is a new day with her. One day she is lovely and smiling, the next day she is obstinate, miserable, and crying. She has A LOT of anxiety now, can be paranoid and delusional (usually when she has an infection like a UTI). I need to speak with the attending psychiatrist to prescribe stronger meds for her to make her more comfortable. (She has afib and CHF, so we have to be careful about the meds she takes.) If the visit does get too negative, I just tell her I'm leaving - and go. Oddly she can't remember much of anything else, but she DOES remember that I left after she got too cranky. :o) And, as usual, the next day is a new day!
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Salisbury, I read that Risperidone should not be used with dementia. Why did the doctor give her that? No bad reactions of any kind?
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Lakegirl 3 - what was the med they used for your mom? I'd love nothing more than to see a "happy person" for the rest of her days.

Basically going through the same thing but at home. Nothing we say or do is ever enough or good enough. Negative all around and wanting to bring everyone down to her level, bringing others down actually makes her feel better. Crazy, right??? Anyway to get attention is a good way from not showering to leaving whatever kinds of messes she can around the house for others to have to clean up. She can shower herself, she just won't and she knows where the trash can is but won't use it. She knows it makes people upset and knows if she keeps doing it she will get attention through confrontation.But let someone come over that does not live here and she is like night and day or better yet go to a doctors appointment and she is fine and dandy. I'm convinced she knows exactly what she is doing. Trying to manipulate situations to get what she wants at the moment.
I refuse to live like that so I do not respond to any of it anymore. I do what I have to do as far as cleaning or care but I just do not say anything about anything that does not have to be said.
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Hi y'all,

Both my mom and dad were very negative. Naturally, after he passed and she become more stricken with dementia, it got worse. All I can say is, the correct medications have changed our lives...and the medications are:

Citalopram 20 mg. for depression, and

Risperdone 0.05 mg. for delusions.

Oh, let me tell you about those delusions. They were not fun and all directed at me--who else was there? ( no sibs). My mother said such awful things about me to the other residents at the AL that they were all recommending to her that she call her lawyer. They stared at me when I arrived--the ones who remembered anything. Now, after the senior behavioral clinic and correct meds, she is peaches and cream every day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I have mentioned before, I thank the doctors daily who gave this to my mother. We have nice visits because of these medications and for no other reason.
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Sounds like your mother is long overdue to be evaluated for medications which might give all concerned some peace of mind. Blessings for this challenge.
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My mother was negative most of her life, more so in old age. She was finally diagnosised with Alzheimers. My sisters and I insisted on a a evalation at a hospital stay where they had examples of her paranoid, mean behavior. They finally gave her an anti-pychotic med that helped her and us. She told my sister. "I didnt know what id do with you when you were growing up, but now I dont know what I would do without you. Later when she had to go to hospice, we said stop other meds but nit that one. She died a loving, sweet grateful mother, looking forward to seeing Dad again in Heaven.
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She sounds narcissistic. My Mom was the same way. She died in May. When you're raised by a mother plagued by this disorder it has lasting consequences. I cried as she lay dying, I told her I knew she did the best she could as a mother and grandmother, and I know she lives us the only way she could. Her behavior through the years has left two daughters scarred, emotionally, and sad that we never had a relationship like some people have with their mothers - best friends. I'm simply trying to remember the fun times - few and far between - and make sure I'm not trying anyone in my life that way.

If you can detach or remove yourself a bit from the constant exposure and realize that you cannot make her happy or content, you will feel much better.

Good luck and hugs to you.
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