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Quit. Give all involved parties a 30 day notice that you're quitting so alternate plans need to be made. You've got plenty power, use it.

Good Luck!
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Unfortunately it seems that one child is usually the only one willing to help with parental care. I watched my parents care for their parents with no help from siblings, and now I care for my mom with no help from siblings. You can’t worry about them... it will make you crazy. If you are POA, use your moms money to hire help so you have time to yourself each day. If she had no money, apply for Medicaid. They will assess her needs and pay for in-Home care.
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disgustedtoo Dec 2020
"...pay for in-Home care."

To the best of my knowledge, that should read "...pay for SOME in-Home care." We haven't used Medicaid, but that's what I understand - some in home care, not full time.

Also note: Medicare *could* also provide a few hours IF a need is determined (has to be house bound AND accept personal care, such as help with bathing.) We have not used this either, but I did read on the Medicare site that some help could be available, as well as a one-week/year respite care. The nurse who came prior to setting up some in-home aides tested mom (better test than Doc office does!) Medicare DID pay for this test, done in mom's condo with 2 of us present as well. This nurse told me Medicare would cover limited assistance IF mom would agree to some personal help. Nope. So, given I was managing her finances by then, we let her think SS/Medicare paid for it and paid them from her account.
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Do you want not to be involved in your mother's care at all?
Do you want to be involved, but you want your sister to do (roughly) half of the work?
Do you just want your sister to show some kind of appreciation and awareness of your mother's care needs?

You have MPOA. You could resign it, if you wished. Do you want to resign it?
Would you actually be satisfied with anyone else's account of a doctor's appointment? - it can be difficult to have confidence that they've understood what was said and asked all the right questions.

Anyway, I'm just thinking around the issue...

Try this. Take a good clear calendar, and list in full all of the appointments and tasks you expect to need carrying out for the rest of December. Once you have your list, allocate which can be done by: you, your sister, anyone else. See what it looks like. Then you'll know specifically what you want your sister to do, and whether it can be reconciled with what you know of her too busy-ness.

Asking your mother to bully your sister in the way that your mother bullies you was, with respect, never going to work. When your mother flies into a rage and makes outrageous demands and accusations, you feel guilty - yes? - and submit. Your sister, I dare say, flies into a rage and makes outrageous accusations right back. Of course your mother knows better than to try it with her.

What has been the last straw for you? The hands-on nursing, a recent tantrum, other things that you need to do that you can't find time for?
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This depends on your culture & how compassionate YOU ARE.

Why do people think getting family to help is a must?

Caregiving Is a voluntary act- the desire that arises from within- to care for a parent.

1. Get DPOA
2. Force your Sis to decide - put time in or money in. If neither, no inheritance. Now you see her true colors. No one is ever that “busy” for their parents.
3. Never expect or wait a sibling to help as caregiver. If it’s not in her bones, caregiving won’t happen.
4 Rely in outside caregivers
5. You get some balls and conduct your life & Mom’s life for next few years until she dies.
6. If low income, use IHSS & MSSP

7. control your Mom’s will to get majority of inheritance to recoup your unpaid wages. Your Sis should get nothing if she doesn’t cooperate. See inheritance as unpaid wages recoupment. Start a time log of your caregiving hrs- on-site & remote. At $20/hr. Agencies charge $18-22/ hr.

Mine came out to 65K over 3 years. Inheritance should cover all hrs plus your Christmas & birthday bonus.

8. Use elder law

9. You can either swallow her accusations about you causing her cancer. Or, use macrobiotics to reverse her cancer. And draw up personal agreement stating you will quit upon any further accusations. Enlarge, Frame and hang it in her plain sight.

10. How do you know you won’t get cancer from resentments you swallowed?

mom prefers you over your Sis. Trick is to come out of this less scathed. After her demise. you will regret over your decisions & actions.

the regret is 100% unanimous among survivors.

mom might never curb her accusations. children don’t give parents cancer. It’s food, chemicals, EMF, their emotional makeup. Mom wants to blame something. She is bitter. She is panicking.

trying to get Mom to understand this is futile. Let her body die. Your Mom knows she is dying. She’ll hold on to a leaf from drowning. manage her last few years of transition.

we owe this to our parents. They made unbelievable sacrifices for us. What’s a few years for them? As long as you don’t get sick as a result of care giving.

if I can have a do- over, I would put in more time than I did, of 2,000.00 hrs. At the time, we fought. I screamed. My insides were burning up. Now, that I’ve rested for a year, wish I can care for Mom all over again. I’d do it so much better. And nicer. I’m proud of what I did. All families fight. If they don’t fight, that’s abnormal.

looking back, death is a inevitable human experience. Harder for Survivors.
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disgustedtoo Dec 2020
"2. Force your Sis to decide - put time in or money in. If neither, no inheritance."
Two issues with this statement: 1) you can't force another person to do something they are unwilling to do and 2) big assumption there that there IS an inheritance (on top of that, OP can't dictate who gets what.)

"7. control your Mom’s will to get majority of inheritance to recoup your unpaid wages. Your Sis should get nothing if she doesn’t cooperate."

More issues here... 1) "...control your Mom's will..." - can you say elder financial abuse? 2) as with the previous reply, huge assumption that there is an inheritance to be had and 3) only Mom can decide who gets what, if there is anything left.

Even if there are some assets now, including a house, those could all be eaten up through hiring care-givers or placing Mom into a facility. Unless one is a member of a truly rich family, and is still on good terms with said family, one should NEVER assume they are going to get ANYTHING after a LO passes.

Good management of my mother's assets should result in something for us, but that ALL depends on how much longer she lives AND what care she might need (MC is almost $8500/mo next year, but any personal care beyond 1 hour will cost about $1k/mo or more!) It is also dependent on whether the stock market remains stable. Another melt down like years ago could wipe out a lot for many - mom's investments (managed by them, not me) are lower risk, so what right now might last up to 12 more years could end up being only 3 or 4, if things go sour!

If there's any left, great. If not, c'est la vie - WE didn't earn it!
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I can offer no answers; I just...I relate!!
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Christservant Dec 2020
Most of us can.

After six years of being an unpaid live in care giver, I finally read the duties of a care giver. You would not believe the stuff I was doing that are not part of my duties.
Besides I get no pay while her oldest and her grand daughter get money every month and do nothing.
I finally put my foot down and informed her that seeing as how there is no pay, there is no work for me to do.
She got the whole family down to do a lot of clean up that was too much work for me.
There is a lot more stress now that that foot was put down.
She still refuses to me though.
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If the verbal abuse is not new (i.e. dementia), have your mom make your sister POA and move across country. She does not love you and your love for her will kill you.
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Please go back to Countrymouse's questions & have a think about how much is reasonable for you to do.

Then sit down & tell your Mom. Work with her to find alternatives for the rest.

It might be 1or 2 full days of running around: groceries, lunch & appointments a week?

Or maybe it's only over the phone stuff: daily check-in calls, setting up deliveries & bill paying?

The one morning I used to offer, blew out to lunch & then all day to include appointments. I should have stopped there. As it blew out to additional appointments spanning the week I became stressed & resentful. Before long appointments were 5x a week then plus weekend chores & emergencies. When I realised there was no empathy for my life I stepped back & sought other services. There was initial reluctance (another story!) but it now works well.
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There are Geriatric Care Managers that will take someone to appointments and they will take notes and ask questions. Many are retired nurses or nurses that have just started another career. They are not inexpensive but it is an option and again this is something your mom would pay for not you.
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The only person you can change is you. Not your sister or your mother. Furthermore, you have no obligation to either your sister or your mother. They are both adults and can be assumed able to make their own choices. If you CHOOSE to help your mother it should be YOUR choice, freely made. Nobody is putting a gun to your head and requiring you to do service to anyone else. Decide for yourself exactly what you are willing to do for your mother. Write it down in a nice list (or a paragraph if, in fact there isn't much to it). Visit your mother, tell her nicely that you have become exhausted and can no longer tolerate things continuing as they have been. Hand her the list. Leave. Let things calm down in your absence. When you are ready to speak to your mother again, remain calm and firm in your decision. If she starts to argue, say "sorry you are not having a good day, but I have things I need to do. Talk to you later." Then leave. Repeat as necessary until you start getting the respect from her that you deserve.

You may want to share the list with your sister. A mailed copy with a brief explanation would probably do. If she wants to undertake some things to help with your mother, that is her decision and her lookout. It shouldn't matter to you if she does or not. What might matter is that it might be nice to have a sister to remember whatever good times you may have shared in the past.

Many of us get caught up in societal expectations that are outdated and unfair. You can give yourself permission to shake them off. You may find that your sister and you might have more in common than you think.
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Imho, no one person can be a superstar. You're going to have to change this dynamic as it is not working and you may fall faint and ill and be good to no one. Prayers sent and please look carefully at CountryMouse's stellar post.
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Number one: your mom is manipulating you. There is no way you are responsible for her cancer. Politely but firmly inform her those remarks are hurtful and lies. That is disrespectful. Inform her you will not tolerate that behavior. If she makes the accusation again you will refuse to help her. No arguing. If she attempts to manipulate you or accuse you again just walk out and inform her you are no longer available until she repents ( that means she must admit what she did, admit it was wrong, apologize for her bad behavior and make restitution where necessary.).
Number two: it is your mothers responsibility to arrange for transportation. Inform her of the days available, if that is not satisfactory to her she can get her own rides. If your sister refuses to help out that is between her and your mom. You may want to see if there is seniors support in your area. We have it here and it is great.

A man or woman only has as much power over you as you are willing to give them.
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I agree with: disgustedtoo...get POA or MPOA or other POA’S. Better yet, get a trust!

AGING CARE ARTICLE:
How Much Does It Cost to Get a Power of Attorney Document?
Carolyn Rosenblatt
Updated February 4, 2020…click on the link and read it.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-much-does-a-power-of-attorney-cost-139457.htm

Well, since you are the reason that she has cancer, ( who knows, maybe you were a difficult teenager years ago ) my first emotional and intellectual response to that is….Mom, there is nothing I can do about your cancer. However, since I am the cause and no one wants to share caring for you, let’s work this out, because I do, yes I do love you. You are my mother.
The right thing to do is to propose a “ make sense” legal plan where your mother designates legally you as her P.O.A. and structures a will ( better done in a trust ) that entitles you to the “positive” control and inheritance of her estate. Assuming that she has a home that is financially in good standing and not a lot of binding debt already created.
Without knowing all of your full details, ( your life-style, your spouse, children, working one maybe two jobs, or maybe a high responsibility company job, your personal health and other personal conditions ) It just makes sense that you are not 100% burdened with the busy work and your sister does nothing that when your mother does pass away and you are appreciated.
Think about this….when your mother passes away your sister ( and maybe others or many others will start to come forth to claim entitlement to whatever your parent has that is of monetary value) ……. who will pay her taxes if any after her expiration date? Who will take care of any hospital bills and other misc debts? If possible, eliminate family argument and getting abused before her time. If she has a home of value who is to take care of dealing with it appropriately and do what you can to keep it out of probate.
Look, I am probably wrong in my response, and it may seem very monetary or even hard hearted…but the reality is you feel responsibility and love for your mother and for whatever reason(s) she is putting the ball in your curt, then a negotiation is not unreasonable. if there is already a trust, will or other legal designation that has been put in place, you deserve to know what it is and also still… get a trust that puts you in a position of power, because it sounds like you are a caring and concerned child who wants to do the right thing and it is laid out in advance, so no arguement. Life is hard anyway, and harder if certain things are not tended to. There is aging, illness, hospice/maybe, funeral, and again, probate if nothing has been legally established….and you deserve to know as see the paperwork. Find out what you need to know ( get the truth ) and take care of any of these things before she departs. Loosing her will be enough hurt to your heart alone without all the other negatives that can happen.
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Tell her to ask her other daughter for help or you will use her money to hire help that you can no longer do it all yourself.
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It is unfortunately common for people to abandon others during the difficult times —friends and even siblings— people that you thought you needed disappear completely. Some make empty promises. Other simply become too busy or just don’t call. The explanation doesn’t matter.

Anyone can prioritize anything if they want, especially when visiting or caring for a sick parent / or supporting a friend or relative. You are doing that. I’m sure you have other things you could be doing too. Your mother is more important than the other things. You recognize the significance and prioritize correctly. You are a hero.

Forgive your mom for the horrible thing she said. Her stress has been understandably extraordinary. People make irrational statements when they are hurting. If she continues to treat you absuvely, however, take “time off” when you need it.

As for your sister, Her behavior is incredibly disappointing, maybe even permanently unforgivable. You get to decide how to proceed. There is no wrong answer — this is your choice. Protect yourself first.

In my case, I severed ties with lax siblings. I am not making light of this — it was extremely painful. But now ... I am more than fine! Relying on them was a losing proposition.

If you look around, there are certainly supportive people who you did not expect to have by your side. When God closes a door he opens a window - or If you have the right outlook - he opens a bigger and better door!

Focus on that silver lining: Instead of lamenting about your sister—-celebrate your champions.

Most of my “siblings” now are not blood relatives. They did not come to me by coincidence, but by choice.

Be the friend you need to others when you get the chance. You will gain new empathy.

Forgive yourself if you choose not to forgive your sister — that’s totally fine! Spend your time with people who treat you (and your mother) better.
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At this point, you need to have a talk with mom. Just be honest with her.

Let mom know that you need some help. Tell her that it is her decision to ask your sister, otherwise, you will need to seek outside help. It's her choice.
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Tell sister and mom you are burned out. That you will now hire carers bc you are backing off. That doesn't mean you won't still care, but you are cutting back your hours. They will both throw tantrums. You are not a slave you are an autonomous person. Who needs to care for yourself. Don't tell them that. Of course they will give you a massive helping of guilt. You must let it fall on deaf ears. You must! You are entitled to a life. Your mother is a narcissist if she is telling you its your fault she got cancer. Right there tells me she is one, bc of the manipulation. Normal people don't do that. They dont threaten, throw tantrums, try to force or guilt you. Try to control you to do their bidding. That is not normal.

Id also tell the mom since she thinks that you caused her cancer, you are stepping back from her care bc you don't want to make her sicker. Funny how that works.
They will moan, whine, throw fits. You have to get a backbone and get help.
You have to stand up to them, bc they have both been controlling you. Sister by not helping and leaving it all on you. After you get help there will be hiccups bc mom will try to get rid of them. Let mom wait for dinner, or your arrival. Not enuff to hurt her, but to let her know she can't control the situation and your not dropping everything and running. So what you go thru a few carers. She will learn to like them. Narcs will always love new people bc it is a new audience. My mom would turn on the charm for a stranger then try to berate in private.
You have to get a backbone and thicker skin. Only you can do that. Start lining up carers now.
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Miatagirl,

Sounds to me like your issue is truly with your sister and not Mom.

Dealing with siblings and delegating responsibilities can be very difficult!!

My advice is for you and Sis to have a heart to heart!!

Leave Mom out of it if at all possible!! She has enough on her mind dealing with cancer!

Best wishes!!
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Wow, that is horrible. First of all, YOU are not responsible for the cancer and are going above and beyond. Your mother is mean and selfish and YOU have got to learn how to set boundaries at once. When your mother flares up, then you have got to tell her in no uncertain terms YOU WILL NOT TOLERATE HER ABUSE AND BEHAVIOR AND IF SHE PERSISTS, YOU WILL BE REMOVED FROM THE HOME. She is angry and probably has or is getting dementia. Your sister seems useless. Can you get caretakers to help? Could she be placed into a facility. I think you need to sit down with your sister and lay the facts on the table and let her know the end of the situation is in sight. Be prepared to do something. Seek medical and legal advice what steps to take but do not put up with this any longer.
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