Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
1 2 3
I put my mother-in-law in Assisted Living in October. She had been living in our house for over 5 years. Falls were becoming more frequent and she was spending too much time alone. She was NOT happy to move out even though the place is cute and decorated and AWESOME! Now, about 3 months later, she likes it -- although would not want me to know it. But she tells others that she is happy. It took her about a month to get out of her room. Just give it time. Take care of yourself - you have done the right thing!
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

You summed it up when you stated: "but his cognitive situation overrode his ability to make his own decisions."

Your mother is now in the same situation. She is unsafe to live anywhere except someplace that is safe for a person in a wheelchair and where she has 24/7 assistance.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

DO NOT OVER RIDE THE DR'S recommendation. Re-read your post, your mom needs a lot of help and has a lot of issues that you cannot fix. Put her in a place where she is safe and has all her needs met. Stay away for a week or two so she can get somewhat adjusted. All seniors want to go home and think they can do everything , but the reality is they can't. My husband can barely walk, falls quite often, can't lift his legs or feet more than 2 inches off the ground, but is demanding I take him to the GMC dealer to get himself a big new truck (they revoked his license due to his LBD, & our insurance dropped his coverage on any vehicle), but yet, if I won't take him, he will walk to the dealer (sometimes I open the front door and say "go". They can no longer make their own decisions.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

You absolutely can not ruin your health by attempting to care for your mom at home! You cannot watch her 24-7 to prevent the sneaking to drink. As $6000 being more than enough to keep her at home - obviously that person has never attempted to hire help. For one year I paid over $6000 a month for part-time sitters. This did not include the cost of food, personal items, doing laundry and a myriad other things needed. The stress was unbearable and I eventually had to take early retirement in an effort to take care of her without killing myself. Assisted living was the answer to a prayer - and of course she hated it! She no longer had me at her beck and call and couldn't berate me for using the "wrong skillet" to prepare her eggs or criticize my meal preparation. Please don't listen to the guilt trips - save yourself. She will adjust when she realizes that she has no choice and will likely make friends with other residents.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I am also an only child and had mom with me through her life with me (she passed 2 months ago). I am proud and happy that it was so. I am South American and we are not used to DUMP our parents in nursing home. If you have $6000 a month for a place for your mom, you certainly have the money for an assistant or two to take care of her daily, PLUS if you live next door, visit her daily, that is what children SHOULD DO (not in north america) do you know if she was troubled taking care of you? Changing your diapers? Taking you out and feeding you? Or did she just dump you in a day care when you were too much? Please keep her at her home, find someone to be with her, be with her, take her out, with or without a wheelchair. SHE IS YOUR MOTHER!!!! My mom had alzheimers for 6 years and also on a wheelchair. I had parties for her on her birthdays in restaurants and always took her out on outings with me. But its your decision, you did the same with your dad!!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Isthisrealyreal Dec 2019
You are so out of line.
(32)
Report
See 9 more replies
she needs a friend there; is there someone who enjoys same
activities as her? notify staff so they can spend some qualified
time with her when u are not there
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My wife and I have had a similar scenario with my sister in law. She was totally adverse to assisted living. Circumstances precluded any alternative. Family did the transfer against sister in law agreement. Not surprisingly, she quickly made some new friends and became comfortable with her new home. Good luck, perhaps YOU'LL soon feel much better.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Leave her there. Whether her mental state is caused from dementia OR drinking/pills OR Alzheimers or whatever, she is still mentally ill. She can't take care of herself and you are burned out. So you can't allow a mentally ill person to take charge of YOUR life when they can't even take care of themselves. After all, she's already in the facility and we on this forum usually see the ones who are trying to get their relative into one so you are already there. You are just second-guessing your own judgment & decision making because you are tired. I agree with most others that you need to go to an ELDER LAW attorney. Not just an attorney. They are experienced in this sort of thing. It will probably cost around $300.00 for an hour consultation. Then you'll know what you are to do. Since she's self-pay, the elder law attorney will explain what happens about the house and the "spend down" to Medicaid because unless she is very wealthy, that money will run like a river at the $6,000 rate plus other necessities that you have to buy and the upkeep of her house unless you sell it. When you do, you have to put the proceeds in an account and spend it on her needs because Medicaid audits to check for "gifting". So go see that attorney and let that be your first step. When the parent gets like she is, she is not taking you into consideration AT ALL. They are just hanging onto you and will take you down all the while blaming you for everything negative they don't like. She doesn't want to be happy at this point. She's bitter. Save Yourself. Most of us have been on here for several years and have experienced the role you are playing and we are "seasoned veterans" so to speak. Most of us have been to the doctor due to stress related issues dealing with parents whose minds aren't good and some who are just downright mean. Get help and move on. Visit but don't argue. If she wants to blast at you when you visit, get up and tell her you can't stay if she wants to argue and LEAVE and find something calming to do. That is all you can do. Best of luck to you and I wish you well.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

The only way for your mother to come home would be to have 24/7 hired help. (Not you!) If she can afford that, it is an option.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Tothill Dec 2019
No it is not, her doctor has said she cannot live at home. It is not just about having help, OP has said her Mum would not allow caregivers.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Regarding the phone calls, I finally had to start turning off the ringer in the evening and not answer. I would wait to listen to voicemails the next day. Even those were stressing me out too much so I just stopped listening to them. I figured if the situation was bad enough the facility would call me. That made a big change for the better.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Salisbury Dec 2019
Great idea. In my case, I never signed my mom up for a phone. No phone. No nutty calls.
(8)
Report
See 1 more reply
So happy to hear that, at least for 1 day, your mother seems to be turning a corner. Not having access to alcohol will make a difference an I hope that she is not able to manipulate anyone into buying some for her. I am assuming that the AL manages her medications, so that she isn't able to overdose or manipulate that. She may come around; she may not. That is her choice. You have her clean, safe, around people who can assist her, getting meals on time, and with access to others and to activities. Whether to join in or not is her choice.

May I suggest that you meet with an administrator or supervisor on a regular basis? Once a month a first would work. Schedule an appointment and bring up any situations your mother mentions, so that you get the facility's take on it. They have seen it all and handled it all and may have suggestions for you. Ask how often she joins activities - from someone reading the newspaper to them in the recreation area, to chair exercises, to craft classes, to special events such as musicians who come to entertain.

To outsiders who seemed sympathetic my MIL would have sounded like the loneliest person on earth who just sat in her room all day with no family to visit, no mail, no phone calls. She had been tossed aside to rot.

The AL people would tell you that she played piano in the recreation room, received mail several times a week, had a son and DIL who visited at least twice a week and always brought her something - cookies, photos, clothing - and took her out to eat at least once a week.

Mom can demand to go home all she wants. You do not have to meet those demands. Do you have durable Power of Attorney and access to her accounts? Whether you do, or do not, speak with an eldercare attorney to be sure that you are in control of funds, or find out what you need to do. It will give you more peace of mind that mom won't do anything crazy financially.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Ihope she didnt sign over her financials to the facility. Biggest mistake people make in the 11th hour
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

How will you pay for the therapist? Is it covered?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Upstream Dec 2019
Yes, already cleared through insurance.
(0)
Report
Upstream -

The sooner you prepare her home for sale to pay for the dog-view-apartment the better. Property taxes are probably due in the spring.

Motivated sellers put houses on the market at the end of March/early April. Hire an estate liquidator to clean out the house. Clean empty houses show best. Hire a professional realtor who knows the neighborhood. Ask for references.

I would not rent out the house because you are going to be the one managing the property and acting like the landlord and that's a lot of work and headache.

Your mother's needs are only going to increase and that's going to cost money. Sell the house and put the proceeds into an investment vehicle for her. Talk to your financial advisor about her options.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
ShenaD Dec 2019
I dont recommend selling the house until you speak to a lawyer because it will effect long term care being paid for.
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
Are you the POA? Then BE that POA. Rent or sell her home. She needs to be close to medical care. Find your local Alzheimer Association support team and support group-- ask them to come along side and go visit your Mom. What does her doctor say ? What do the charge nurses of her facility say? Assemble your troops, Captain, and defeat the lies that are attacking you and your mother.
When my mother was semi-able to think halfway straight-- she was alittle upset in the beginning, but came to love her new home and took part in the activities and entertainment. Use all the ammunition you have to keep her in there. In the beginning my mom thought she was in a hotel.... and thought she would go home. Then she had to be put in the assisted living next door because she wandered twice in the winter in knee deep snow no less. By that time she was in decline and was more open to our lead. Tell her you love her and do what is necessary. And forget about fancy places unless you want to run out of funds early.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

You must take care of yourself. I have been going to counseling for years and that's the very first thing she taught me. My dad is 93 and just moved to AL 3 months ago. He lived on his own with the help of caregivers 6 hours per day. For a long time, we knew that his house was not the best environment. Dark, dreary and I was getting tired of all the calls to me about how lonely he was. Come September, he needed a hospitalization and the doctors said he could no longer live on his own. I had done my shopping for AL and had one picked out. He has been making friends, gets 3 great meals per day, has access to 24 hour nursing care and participates in activities but every time I see him, he still wants to go back to his house. I am his guardian/conservator and as long as I am in the picture, I will not allow it. He may call his attorney and if he does, so be it. Take care of yourself first. And counseling DOES help, if only for someone who will listen. As everyone has gotten tired of my 'dad' stories, she is always an ear there for me.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

You are in a very difficult situation. I don't know anyone living in a senior home that wants to be there no matter how nice it is. They want to be home and they want their families to take care of them. If an inexperienced rescuer tries to save a drowning person, they can easily be pulled down by the drowning person and they both die. So it is with being a caretaker. The senior is so fearful and confused and usually cannot hear anything their children or spouse has to say that runs contrary to what the senior desires. You probably won't be able to logic it out with the senior. It is an exercise in futility telling the senior how their behavior has hurt you. It might be good for you to get out the hurt and frustration but it probably won't do anything to inspire the senior to stop wanting to go back to their home. It's sad.

It's good that you are seeing a therapist, you need the support. You have done your best for your Mom. Now, you need to do what you need to do to "save" yourself.

G-d bless you.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
Mary9999 Dec 2019
A perfect analogy about the drowning person and the rescuer. Well said.
(6)
Report
It pains me to see lonely souls (& I was one too) who are the ONLY people on earth doing anything for their parents, & the elderly in general. We need more resources for elder care; this is untenable.
That being said: you must take charge of your life, NOT play martyr& tell Mom this is how it’s going to be: here’s what I can do and the rest will have to be procured from available resources. Good luck: I was in your shoes. Remember you have a right to put your life first- you must, if you’re providing difficult support!
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
RoyaB19 Dec 2019
The eldercare “system” in the US is completely broken, if it even existed to begin with. I belong to several of these forums and the numbers are staggering — both of elders with declining mental and physical resources, and of caregivers who are desperately struggling. None of us is in a position to make systemic changes, but some institution needs to respond to the increasing needs.
(6)
Report
If she can afford to live in the house who are you to deny her that? Make a condition that she must hire aids to assist her in her home...it is her home is it not? You are making this all about you...sell your house and move. Have they gone to court and taken her rights away? If not, she needs to be advised of her rights.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
whaleyf Dec 2019
Totally disagree. It doesn't sound to me like she can live on her own. especially the part where they wouldn't discharge her to an unsafe place. Did you miss the part where she was drinking and popping pills and falling a lot. That is NOT making it all about her (daughter), it's keeping the mother safe and well taken care of.
(30)
Report
See 4 more replies
I am glad you are seeing a therapist and I hope it helps you as much as it helped me. I believe your mother might also have dementia. Your situation is very like my own was for nearly 20 years. "I will not help you to back to an unsafe situation." That's all you need say. You did not create this situation and you are not responsible for making your mother happy. You have chosen to help keep her safe. Like my own mother, she wants to keep her life the same ( impossible) and have you turn your own life upside down to do so. Unless you have a magic wand, you cannot do it. Nor should you. I learned to walk out when getting the harrange. I learned to answer demands for instant service by saying I would do that on my next scheduled visit. I wish you well.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report

Remind your mom that the decision to have her live in a AL facility was a recommendation from her dr with you in agreement.
The frequent falls were causing broken bones and it was a safety issue.

If she lives AL and goes back home that she will be on her own and risking another fall or worse.

I would sell the house since she can't live there safely anymore.
No house means she'll have to accept living in the AL.Goodluck
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Oh you’re going to get lots of advice on this. Your mom's deteriorating health and cognitive issues are not your fault and have everything to do with why she needed to move. This is such a common occurrence for the parent who was moved to go through a 3-6 month phase of being angry, wanting to move out and blaming you as though she isnt the one who has her physical or mental problems.
I've been through this twice when dad moved to AL, which he later loved...and then again with his move to LTC. Which to this day he’s not thrilled with. But hey..I’m not the one who is declining.
I too had to have therapy and even had to stay away from him once for several months until he calmed down. Please do not capitulate to your mom's sulking etc. She doesn’t have the where with all to make decisions that are in her best interests. You have done your best. Time for you to take a break and let mom carry on.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
HelpingPrents Dec 2019
Agree!
(0)
Report
Keep reminding Her she has No Place else to Go that is Best from any Rest.xx
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Don’t ever let her out and if she gets out on her own, I would move.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Just tell her no. She is just trying to make you feel guilty. Don’t take the bait. My roommates father is in an assisted living and has made lots of friends and has a girlfriend now and he is 87. The couples eat together, see movies or whatever they want to do. They have people come in that talk to them, beauty shop, etc. She could make friends if she wanted to. Maybe she needs to be on Antidepressants.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
defenderALZ Dec 2019
what evidence is there people with dementia are trying to make someone feel guilty?
most of us in our lives have thought a person was doing or intending something and later find out we misunderstood. People who feel unwanted and are unable to elicit warmth from others may try to express their needs in unusual ways.
To assume people with dementia are deliberately trying to undermine those we need the most is often misinterpretation of the GOAL of the behavior.
I am hoping some who have suffered from the rants and rages and weird stuff that happens as a brain breaks down will consider it easier on everyone to wonder about the goal of the behavior.
When a brain shrinks, is starved, and connections fail it brings a sense of terror and whatever I say or do in that condition is to just feel safer in some way. Sometimes in my mind I struggle with what is coming across from my tone, words, actions and I can not stop it or change it. Not because I want to keep being misunderstood, or cruel, or to hurt but from desperation to be understood.
The broken brain is forgotten, we are held to account like we have a choice.
My hope is caregivers learn to interpret words and actions from a damaged brain with a perspective that is not punitive.
One day I was very hurt and tired when caring for my dad and I cried. My mother told to Go home! My dad who had dementia came over to me and patted my knee and said to my mom, "some kids on the playground were mean to her." He was so right, there were no kids on a playground but he knew what I felt.
Not understanding difference between a brain malfunction expressing a need and hate or malicious intent will lead to more of same and make it worse, Once you get it, the words and actions are like puzzles to solve.
My dad wanted to drive his car, my mother would fight with him about it. He loved his car, I set us up to wash it in driveway and he was so happy. She still thought he was trying to fight with her and washing the car was to get back at her.
We don't yell at blind people and say "You could see that table if you wanted to! You're just trying to get me to..."
This is why some people do better in assisted living - the care giver is paid and learned to not take offence. They don;t take it personally.
We can feel the tension, it lowers our ability to function.
Our behavior is kind of the like the person who is drowning and waving for help to person on shore, and the person on shore waves back instead of rescuing them because that is what they see.

One can learn to stop taking offense.

Also would like to share that CBD oil (not hemp oil but from a dispensary) calms me incredibly fast, and is being used by thousands of us to great success. I can type, walk further, sometimes cook, within 15 minutes of dose, low THC for day, and dose with THC for night for sleep.
Taking puffs of certain strains also instantly calms me - even if in a rage state (don't have rages since using it). Cheap, no bad side effects, often makes me happy or allows me to be creative.
Life changing.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Upstream....just read this whole thread...and i have followed you for quite a while. Im glad your mom is in AL now, please take some time for you to grieve the loss of your dad, yes please, to therapy. My hope for you is you will have a stress free life as possible now, enjoy each day !! Stop and smell the roses 🌹 Love and Blessings.. Liz
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

thankfully most people who develop dementia are unaware of how much disgust there will be for them in their future.
The treatment for Alzheimer's is proper environment for the individual and I am certain being around people who loathe the sight of us is not the place to go through a terrifying and difficult terminal illness.
I took care of my Dad part time, more as needed. We were communicating on his level, knowing he spoke in metaphors, or with his eyes. I did not keep telling him "You already said that!". He was lucky, in his own home, my Mom was reluctantly there. We paid a guy to shower him. I loved that he learned to trust me. Staying at his side while the week he died was one of the most loving experiences of my life. We healed our troubled past during his illness.
I believe the idea we are less than human and deserving of all the insults and ways to cut us off you all found delightful, is why there is no public effort to give everyone with dementia the chance to be away from people who hate the job of support person. It is a living hell for us too, so that should erase some of any guilt anyone ever has about placing us somewhere. But we are toxic and disposable.
Your Mom is thriving away from your distress, good for her, although even when she says "this is fine don't worry" all of you assume she is playing you.
You can't believe we are incompetent and playing mind games. Maybe we are reacting to danger from our gut brains. When you become helpless things come across differently in both speaking and listening, part of illness.
Congratulations to so many of you on success in maintaining your own lives.
Yes, please put us some place we might like (view of dog park was exactly right) and let those who care, lobby for more places that are not $4000+ a month and let us have a place to remain human and give us a gentle end.
Not having the money seems to put a damper on the disgust, a family who has to stay together may be best option, if there is enough support. I found a dog was a great help to my Dad's peace of mind. Everyone abandoned us like they abandoned me when I was diagnosed.
American style dementia care. Merry Christmas.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Isthisrealyreal Dec 2019
Before you spew your toxic waste over another poster you should read all the posts. You are cruel for what you said, but already know that, you intended to be. Maybe that is the reason people avoid you, it is never okay to tear someone down to make yourself feel better.

This forum is not for the patient, it is for caregivers to have a safe place to vent so we can continue to help our unreasonable, selfish parents.
(20)
Report
See 5 more replies
Upstream, many of us have been//are in your shoes. And you have nailed it in one of your posts.. It IS her or you. And you must choose yourself, because the life will be drained from you if you continue to allow her manipulation. Stay strong, know that you have done all you can and that is it. Best wishes.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

I am the original poster. I want to thank you all for your supportive and well thought-out comments. You are giving me strength and helping to keep my head together. I did lay some stuff on the line, via phone, with my mother yesterday afternoon. Now that she is not in her house threatening suicide on a regular basis, I can express what her behavior has done to me. She called me this morning and told me to "take care of myself, not worry about her, and she is in good hands". I believe it was heartfelt but I also know she may be manipulating me because she is an alcoholic and did say yesterday that if she were at home, she would be heading to the convenience store for wine.

Anyway, I just want to say thank you all very much, it's been horrible doing this all alone and dealing with the emotional sh*t-storm that has come along with it. This forum has been my sounding board and voice of reason since 2014 and I really appreciate you all.
Helpful Answer (36)
Report
BarbBrooklyn Dec 2019
Upstream; I'm hoping that mom has turned a corner. MAYBE this time, getting off the alcohol and being in a controlled and stimulating environment is starting to do her some good. Continued good thoughts to both you and her as you heal from the torment.
(16)
Report
See 2 more replies
Please don’t allow her to come home. Having said that though, I absolutely second what Alva says about alcohol withdrawal. I personally know someone who flatlined. It’s seriously a rough withdrawal! They managed to bring her back. She immediately went into rehab and has stayed clean and sober. Flatlining was a blessing in disguise for her. Fortunately, her husband stood by her and supported her. She has two young children and she became terrified that they would have been motherless if they hadn’t brought her back. So make absolutely sure that she is withdrawing properly, especially with the benzos complicating the matter. Best of luck with that.

Let her rant and you don’t even have to listen to it if you don’t want to. You know that this is best for both of you.

You have gone above and beyond what is called for. You went out of your way to find a lovely place and it would be wonderful if she showed some appreciation instead of complaining about living in a place that is not only attractive but where she will receive good care.

I’m afraid you may have to emotionally and perhaps physically detach from her. She will receive care from the staff. Even if it’s temporary. Take a break! You need it! You can check with the staff on her progress without seeing your mom. I’m in the same boat as MidKid. I no longer have a relationship with my mom. It is what it is. I’m in therapy and doing what I have to do in order to cope.

She is expecting entirely too much from you and I feel like you are totally aware of that. You do not wish to be manipulated by her demands and I don’t blame you one bit for feeling as you do.

Honestly, she has set you up for resentment so how can she complain about any backlash that she has received by you.

Truly, the only backlash that she has received is your expressing your feelings on feeling as if she has ruined your life and you had a right to tell her how you felt.

You have dedicated more than many others would have to her so you have nothing to feel guilty about. You know that you made the correct choice to move forward in your life by finding suitable living arrangements for her. I am only confirming what you already know. This is long overdue!

Resume your life. I am glad you are tending to your emotional well being by seeing a therapist soon. I wish you well. You deserve to spend your remaining days happy and at peace.

Sending you a bazillion hugs and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter