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I am sympathetic to the caregiver here. She is probably doing a good job. It is so easy to criticize from afar- my siblings all think I am taking advantage of my Mom - she is 91 and thrilled to be home and cared for. My siblings all truly believe she should be in nursing home for various reasons.

We have nurses come here on a regular basis, my Mom;s blood pressure is down to normal, her edema is coming down, I take her to doctors appointments and also to lunch with her friends which she loves. I read to her alot and fix nutritious meals, drive her everywhere, do all the housework. She is very happy with our situation and my siblings are furious.

Seems to be a common situation and my heart goes out to the caregiver. I agree with most of the statements so far supporting the caregiver. Sorry.
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You are frustrated because you have no control of your mom or your mom's money. You are not being truthful about how much u care or "don't care " about the $$$$. #1 your mom is being cared for by your SISTER, she evidently is attentive to your mom. She is the caregiver. She currently has authority to handle your mom's medical & her financial matters. In Oklahoma the state honors those who are caring for families in the home & permit the owner to give their house to the caregiver, for compensation without repurcussions. There are timelines to watch. Your sister should apologize for touching you. Did you say something to throw her to that extreme? If not. Pray she will be better. Your sister is under more stress than you actually realize. It's not a walk in the park being a full time care giver. Nobody knows until they have actually done it!!!!!! And "done it" for a year or more! !!!!!!!!!! Your sister needs support. Your mom needs love & attention. Quite the criticism! !!!!!
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Mum is clearly able to 'do' for herself - thats not to say she is lucid of course. She might well make tea and pour it over her cereal left to her own devices. My mum has moderate dementia kept at bay largely and luckily by meds. She loathes her daughter and loves the caregiver which is awkward since I am both - one and the same!!!

What I will say is this I try to force my mum wherever possible to make choices. I guide her of course I do but the choice is hers. Then comes the decision making process and if I don't agree with her choice then sorry but my decision is final. Why? because I am acting in her best interests all the time (well most of the time if I am totally honest but walk a mile in my shoes before you criticise)

When Mum falls we go to A&E she is 93 and frail now and her pain threshold is high (when she wants it to be) so I never quite know how much pain she is in. But I am not a nurse, I am not trained medically at all so I hand it over to the professionals who are. I know many won't agree but I see that if I do this I could NEVER be accused of abusing her health by NOT getting potentially necessary medical attention.

That said the circumstances ARE different for you least and Im not convinced you're handling them the best way but we can only speak from what you tell us and I suspect there is a whole can of worms in there just festering.

CM is right don't be the seagull - it will just breed further unrest. Try and mend bridges not burn them for your Mum's future well being should be at the heart of all your decision making processes not anything else xx
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Falls happen after a T.I.A., a transient ischemic attack. The T.I.A.'s may not be a one time occurence. They are like a mini-stroke. There may be many.
The pain medication: tramadol can also cause dizzyness, resulting in falling.
Following up with an M.R.I. 4 years later is not a bad idea. With each new fall, there is more danger [of having a stroke], [of having just had a stroke or T.I.A]
Often, the right geriatric physician will follow up appropriately, and some order Physical Therapy, which can help with balance issues, and rehabilitate a stroke.
After a stroke, or after a t.i.a., there is an increased risk of dying or having another stroke within one year. (One does not need to hear from the holy spirit to discern this scientific fact). Imop.
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Separating the issues, continuing: I am so very sorry that your sister had attacked you! My advice is to never be around someone, ever, who has physically assaulted you. This makes an added challenge to your relationship with your mom. Remember, your mom said: "You would do that to your sister?"

Your mom is 85+? With a history of t.i.a.? She should no longer live alone.

See a therapist to deal with the hurt and anger you must feel over the relationships with all of your family.

Try not to assign credibility or some magical prophesy to your brother's comment about your mom's impending death, and it coinciding with his prediction coincidentally with dad's death. No matter what your personal belief' s are about your own faith or belief in something else, it will help if you understand that the test of a true prophet of God is that they are 100% always correct.
Sorry that you are suffering.
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Save yourself.
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Check for low blood pressure, low hemoglobin count, UTI first. Doctors often fail to look at the most simple causes of falls and jump to a lot of conclusions.
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Oh incidentally , and because yesterday was 'one of those days' anyone who thinks that your sister is 'just giving her a protein shake' has missed the point if they share a home. My mother is demanding in the extreme and if your mother has had alzheimers meds for 5 years chances are she is in the moderate to severe stages of alzheimers or certainly heading that way. That means that she will be very demanding of your sister's time and time is precious when you go to work - you need 'me time' and I will lay odds your sister isn't getting any.

When I say put up or shut up I don't mean it offensively at all .....it is an expression. I gave my opinion earlier and I stand by it. If I THOUGHT a relative of mine was being abused or was at risk I would consult with APS and express my concerns. There is no question of should I? Why would you be wondering what to do - it is clear.

We also use another expression better to be safe than to be sorry. Say to APS - I may be worrying unnecessarily BUT ...and express your concerns. AND DIARY that you have done so - if ever you need proof you have acted appropriately you will then be able to show you acted in good faith. It will however destroy the familial relationships you may have but you have to understand that that may happen, and probably will happen. It should not be part of the decision making process however.

Even if they are unfounded as I said previously , to do nothing is, of itself, neglect. So either contact them and express your concerns or let it go. You are the one who has to live with the consequences if there is abuse going on , not anyone else and certainly not us.

So YOU have to make a decision, do you physically visit and assess the situation which you are NOT qualified to do incidentally because you are too close to the situation familial speaking or...... do you let the professionals, who are independent and removed from the emotional attributes of this issue, do their job and assess the situation. If they go in - and they find all to be well, then your mind will be at rest, if they find abuse then they will act you can rest assured.

The process is simple
1 Why do I think that there is abuse?
List reasons
2 Why do I think Mum is at risk?
List reasons
3 Is there any information to support my beliefs?
List support
4 What emotional baggage am I importing
List baggage and be honest
5 From the information I have gathered can I make an unemotional assessment?

If yes, go for it, if not, consult someone who can i.e. APS
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Cloudbank, does your mom qualify for Medicaid? If so, they will pay what Medicare doesn't pay. And a drug supplement policy will pay the out of pocket on meds. Normally, Special Help will pay that monthly premium, if you are on Medicaid. I would explore to see.
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Dear Scottdenny. I feel your pain...blessings to you, your mom would not want you to blame yourself...please dont...Be at peace, please know she is fine now...
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Anyone who has fiduciary responsibility for a person should be financially at arms length. They should not be co mingling funds or enriching themselves, without review and approval of a court. This same person should have no problem with opening the financial records to the family to explain expenditures or where the money is going. If a person cannot manage their own financial affairs and funds, and they receive Social Security benefits, a Representative Payee, with direct accounting to SSA is required. The SSA does NOT RECOGNIZE power of attorney, automatically. SSA may suspend benefits until a RP can be appointed if their is an allegation of misuse or funds not being used for the care of the beneficiary. Any will changes are subject to challenge at this point, especially if unreasonable transactions are occurring. If your sister will not open the books, then I recommend that you make plans to seek guardianship/poa on her behalf. Medical power of attorney is NOT a financial power of attorney.
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Well, here it goes...
Dont believe nothing you hear and half of what you see! Maybe you should ask your sister does she need your help at least she can take a break because love it a job wouldnt wish on my enemies ,(not that i have any!) smile. Unless youve walked in her shoes stop making problems if you showed true care for your mom not her money maybe she would take more kindly to you ! Peace
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Magicstone thankyou for your nice words but nothing can ever take my guilt away that I made her go to the hospital for a fall in her bedroom everything went downhill after her stay in the hospital and rehab for 2 weeks.I should have kept her home and just bought her a wrap around brace.Id still have my mom here if I had done that.
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