I am fearful that one more "move" may set my mother back greatly. Any advice?

Debera - I get it, really. I've never been one to think adult children should sacrifice their own lives and happiness in order to look after their elderly parents. I also understand having a difficult mother - trust me! Your mother is being well cared for in the place you think is the best fit for her. So really - it's all good - any more than that is frosting. Posting here it's impossible to explain every nuance- from asking a question to answering one. You alone know what's best for your mother - snd more importantly what's best for you and your husband. I too, dream of retiring at the beach - just don't think it's in the cards for me - at least not anytime soon. In the end, I think most people really do the best they can - and really isn't that enough?

Thank you all for your different perspectives, encouragement and allowing me to process this difficult situation. It has been helpful!

Deb,
Whichever way you choose, please visit this site and post. It will help me. Since you're a mental health counselor, you will understand some of us need closure. Helps me to understand how the decision making process works for some. It is a learning experience, and wishing you a happy retirement!
M
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Debera, it would be very difficult to move her now especially since ahe has been asked to leave other nursing homes. Are they actually nursing homes? Memory care?

I would add that a Geriatric Care Manager would give you some sense of security if one were retained for mom. They would check on her monthly, biweekly, and woyld be cheaper than traveling from NC to Indiana monthly. That way you have someone that becomes well acquainted with mom and will recognize changes in mom that NH staff may not recognize or report. You frequency of visits will decrease, especially in the winter months.

Is your mother mentally cognizant of the dilemma? If she is, why not ask her what she wants to do? Would she prefer to move back near her sisters?

DebraB, thanks for the additional info. I think it would make a huge difference to me if the loved one was a challenging patient who had been through multiple facilities. If she's settled in to a place that has things stable, then I too would hesitate to move her.

I agree with JoAnn.....your husband is number one and you should go with your dream. If your mom is in a nursing home, she is being taken care of. It sounds like she is a hard person to please. We never know what tomorrow brings and you should go with whatever is best for you as a couple.

put yourself in your mothers place. only you know your relationship. whoever has POA can.appoint another to take their place if unable to serve. If other siblings willing to give 1on 1 with your mother and offer to.Since your going to be mobile your visits could be family reunions since less frequent.
Skyping may not be possible.
mine now in !memory unit if you can call it that!! acted up Thyamine def w TBI encelopathy Thiamine defimmunesuppression gel in bone marrow. severe arthritis prob due to Thiamine def koskoff werneki encelopathy from thiamine def. added to chronic TBI encelopathy.
he acted up.scared mouthy. he walks ( i got him back walking) he doesnt get bathed I see rough handling under staff facility depending to heavily on nursing students and volunteer nurses to do dressing chamnges etc. Im stuck w him there because he would try go out firedoor and set alarm off. he cannt smike doesnt understand this and it causes dementia from o2 and nicotine .pray they treat him for the hcv going thurs. but bless the hospitalist brought the gall bladder kidney stones renal failure anemia leukopenia chirrosis copd asthma fibrosis all together are multifactoral symptons inc the uti pneumonia chf episodes he kept having every 3 mo or less seizure breakthroughs renal portal hypertension. put him on pieptide bsase TNT dysphasia also symptom Thiamine def maldigestion malabsorption delusions dementia. If hes treated all these symps. together are multifactorial symptoms inc liver failure gastritis diverticulitis ibs prob even the colnon polyp Ca. explain tohe halucinations delusions dementia. I vowed promised taken care of. even when in encelopathic coma pronounced brain dead he knew my voice. didnt recognize me after woke up when inubation removed. bBut when he didnt lately know my voice. How was.I to orient
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Just for your information, Beckytodd1, it is not true that "whoever has POA can.appoint another to take their place." Only the principle (Mother) can change the person who holds the POA.

Verbal ization get us kicked out. contd . how was I going to orient him call him back when hes lost. find him when he goes exploring .'me hair pulling because he doehim home wandering.- dog not allowed use to bring him back cannt have dog . his behavior confusin IBS and cdiff hospital gav him from Xithantin.

she state her mother was more physical than cognitive.. If she is POA thwithout an option for standin of choice to take over as a durable health care surrogate. Might it be in moms best interest for someone in a stable(one place ) residence be the hcs proxy. while mom can have a say. since sounds like their is more than one other. aand is in moms best interest. All poa and surrogate papers have space for up to two alternates. If space left blank. If only one child proxy kow has accident mom left with no care taker even put clause in on heirarchy and if primary unable to be reached.
like other daid if move her closer to siblings who express desire to visit her. she desires visit so propbably be excited to go visit siblings as intro to moving closer. Since if she aware her own person freq visits after moving then involving someone as new friend at facility while visiting. mayhelpguaranted. nothing eb wworking I always tried pairing clients. bussiness necame constructive socislization If it was my mother Id move her closer to siblings. bullhawp about laws diff state yes buthippa law nationwide apply for medivaid if that what she uses make sure time to apply for longterm care cutoffs met apply prior to move on line if medicaid make prior arrangements state change can be done on line.change address prior to move never guaranteed perfect. but from.expertence RVing. things happen. two weeks even a month and having to turn around and go back will.get old.just like trying do do it while working. stress. kills idea of rving. so the skype idea. maybe at first. with decline kinetic touch soothing sounds. voice. That is hadrd to do on skype. where he is they have 34 pts apiece. lockin unit. most can.get up in chair w/c. to rehab strokes etc. other part does the total cares in bed.I move her Then enjoy your retirement RVing skype can be arranged when sybiling there.Dont have to worry about getting back. Skype can be family time and you would know she is looked in on.anf someone closeby in a emergency. that would relive me. I had my brother take my mother to live with him. Figured his son should have grand ma. of course were in same town. tried to warn him she would have stroke prob in a year. I was living on sailboat .she refused to come on even if kept it at a dock. was moored on one of my old bardge mooring when created island back in cove next to mangroves. found her sleeping in the truck on the beach. He got.mad when I told him anbout.her neurologist and stroke she had. Brother had sx and stress. since I was made sure light bill was paid since 12. he doesnt want me around I irritaye him.. always did but he my little brother.Think it more denial now. I seem to still know when something going or has happen w her. I send one of my boys check. several strokes and she calld cops thought someone in house. she always been like that. guess it mean he has laste what I had most of my life. tears my heart told he to make him drive to find me. she did. ran into them on road. hate to see tears because she found my son and my self walking back home. this son was gone a yr and lost.in orlando. son said she only in rehab. but sghe been there since feb. Promised dad look after her. she always doted on brother. figured she could stay w his family has only one child. inlaw in resthome. So Fig I take her back when she.getstoo bad. rate strokes may not happen.ischemia. maybe fdistance makes it easier .peace w my brother. I had him park my dads truck and put up her rings one was pulled off her finger by someone wanted look at it. Never forgive cutting her hair almost to floor wore.in french knot wcut it up.while she sleepimg. threw away her dentures were boke (one) .note dont throw away a persons dentures teeth can be taken out new plate made at fraction cost teeth are the rxpensive part of dentures. anyway. Think you should make sure alt poa and let her be close to other family if she wants. think stroke told 24 hrs left. and shes cognitive as she is now. Noone Ive found wants to be alone. I used to sit w my uncle he thought of me as diff. relatives. he called for me just befote.I was in school made it to door as he passed. 2years he didnt get my name correct except when he thought I was his wife. until just before he passed. Everyday I sat and listened to stories of way back when. fascinating. Remembering he I made them give him full 19 gun salute he was 3 wars and USO. Played taps at Kennedy funeral.