My boyfriend and I have been together for more than three years. We do love each other and would like to get married one day and share our future together. He is divorced and has adult children who do not live with him. I am a single mom to a 12 year old girl, I have never been married and her father has never been in her life. We both have been living with my elderly parents in their home since she was born, at the time my parents were healthier and able to live independently for the most part. I also work full time and have some of my own health issues. My father now almost 90 and my mom a bit younger but has many serious health problems as well as mobility problems. She can not climb stairs and cannot walk without her walker. They have their beds set up in the living room. My father still does drive but very little. I help them as much as I can as well as help maintain the home inside and out. They have personal care workers that come a few times a week to help with showers and some light duties. My father has someone for snow removal and cutting grass. But I know that personal help they get from outside the home would not be nearly enough to sustain them living on their own. Since I’ve had my daughter up until almost four years ago, I focused strictly on my daughter, my job, my parents and the home. Although I was exhausted all of the time, I have no regret. But it does get lonely. So I met this man a little over three years ago, and I do want a future with him. But I don’t know how to pick up and have my own life? I know my parents need me, they wouldn’t be able to live in their home on their own. And then there is my daughter to consider, she grew up with my parents from birth, they are her home. And they are extremely attached to her as well. So it’s not only the physical care but the emotional devastation that would cause to my daughter and my parents, especially my father. I really feel stuck. I want my own life but not at the expense of my family. Of course my boyfriend knew the situation from the beginning, and he accepted it. We talked about him moving in to my parents house as well, until the time is right and we can have our own home. Ideally I would live very close to them so that I could check in with them daily. I know that this isn’t an easy thing for him to deal with either, he has no ties so he just wants me to leave and get an apartment with him, he doesn’t address how we will care for my parents, he just says I have two other siblings and they can worry about it. One of my siblings lives in another province and the other is married with two small children with their own home. I just feel it’s very selfish of him to just expect me to abandon them without a care or a plan. In fact he talks about living in areas that are quite far from my parents, not to mention my daughters life would be completely uprooted, taken out of the home she’s always known, different school, new friends and at a very delicate age as well. I’m so torn, I feel guilty if I move, I feel guilty if I don’t move, but mostly I feel angry at the way he wants to go about it. Without a care about how this will impact my family members that do need me. I really don’t know what to do. I’m chronically depressed.
He’s pushing me to move out with him, he says I need to grow up! He’s acting as if I’m 25 living at home while my parents cater to me. I’m a middle aged woman working full time, raising my daughter on my own, while taking care of my elderly parents...house and home. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place I guess. I really don’t know what to do. I feel stuck. And I just wanted to mention as well that he has brought up wanting to get married about a year into the relationship, yet he has not proposed. I mentioned this to him and he said he will never propose until we live together first. Am I supposed to create chaos in my family just so he can test drive me? But no real commitment?
My opinion, your daughter is what is the most important thing here. Parents come second to her. At her age, I wouldn't make any big changes. Your parents are part of her stability. She is going to be an adolescent with all the stuff that goes with that. Seems that you and parents have all ur ducks in a row. Why wreck the status quo for a man who now whats it his way or no way. And please don't move him in. May not work out. Its your parents house anyway.
I see a man who has no responsibilities and doesn't want them. Lets say you move in with him, will he like that you go to Mom and Dads to help? The statement you have other siblings makes me think not. And do you really want to uproot a 12 yr old for something you are questioning?
BF was aware of the situation when he started dating you. He is now realizing this is not what he wants giving you ultimatums. In my experience, ultimatums never work for the good.
I suggest making a list. One side what this man does for you. And then what you do for him. Does he really meet "your" needs. You may be surprised that you have been carrying this relationship. That you have always given over 50%. Wish I had done that before I married my ex. I wouldn't have married him.
I’m going to take another viewpoint, your responsibility NEEDS to be all about your 12 yr old daughter. She is your legal responsibility, not your parents or your BF. She should be first and foremost and that imo means you do whatever you need to be make yourself Capable first and foremost to be able to provide for and care for and participate fully in her life and prepare her for her future.
Imo, your daughter is the one getting short changed in all this.
At age 12, in the US, she’s about to go into 7th grade & middle school, and that has very real drama for her. The shes “very close, extreme devastation” that you think would happen if you & her lived apart from your folks..... well maybe not. Middle schooler living at grands house, unless it’s a rare household, does not work well. Those type of living situations are in my experience because the parents are immigrant families who need to be in intergenerational household to survive; the parents are too poor to afford their own place; the parents are themselves are still emotionally not adult to be their own persons; or kids live with grands cause parents are absent; or Parents on drugs or parents are in jail or prison. Living with grannie, cute when you’re 7 and making cookies; not cute for 14 and doing sleepovers. Whether this is fair or not, is a separate discussion. It’s the reality of tween & teenage in the US, whether boys or girls.
At 12, she’s going to be able to search out and find out about her birth father. Whether you like it or not. Whatever cover or details you have not been up front about on that relationship is coming up. You can’t keep her from contacting him or his family. Gird up its coming.
At 12, she’s going to be searching for her father or a father figure. Your BF, well he comes across as not at all interested in being this. His kids all are grown adults, not on his payroll or responsibility. If he - after what 3+ years of “dating” - is not actually ACTUALLY ACTIVELY part of her life, her school and in school activities, not gonna happen. And by that I do not mean going with you and her to the school fair once a year, but being one of the dads on the list for setting up the school fair. She’s going to find a father figure and for young girls at age 12 is pretty perfect timing for becoming a lil’ street flower. 12-14 is premium young snatch stage & someone is going to recognize her unhappiness and exploit her for their own gain. Doing this is a real option for her and something that parents have blinders on about its existence.
for your daughter’s sake, get counseling and come up with a plan for your own life.
If you think “love” is what your BF behavior is towards you, your own issues are way, way, way beyond what you can deal with on your own, you need to get counseling. You need to find out why you allow yourself to be basically a door mat for others. Do this if not for yourself but for your daughter.
Something is not right about that guy. He needs to move away. Far, far away. It's time for you to have a long distance relationship with him. Just tell him that it is best that he finds his own place. You are not stuck! He needs to grow up! Stay where you are. Home is where you are supposed to be, Do not worry about the other siblings stepping up. You are the one. Please tell him to go. Then, see how it goes with him. Put him to the test and tell him to drive away, fast!
I'm sorry but I find him repulsive, what kind of male says, " let's have a trial run" with a 12 year old girl involved. He wants to show her that women are not valued enough to commit to until you see if they do it well enough to suit you. That just makes me angry.
Your parents were there for you and your daughter when you needed them most. I think that you would not be happy with your life if you let a grown boy make you decide to walk away from them at this point.
Don't get me wrong, I think that you deserve a life and that walking away is always an option, but not because some male wants to play house and dump your responsibilities because they don't suit him.
Under no circumstances should you have him move in to your parents home. He sounds selfish enough to make everyone miserable if he is unhappy.
One thing that I taught the young ladies of my family, if it is true love it will keep until all parties are able to fully commit. If not, it will just dwindle away when it is not getting it's own way. Never sacrifice your heart or beliefs to accommodate someone that professes to love you, love will never ask you to sell yourself that way. He is asking you to forget everything that you believe and care about, I wouldn't call him marriage material.
Your daughter needs stability and committed people in her life, 12 is a very challenging age and she could be damaged by wrong choices made for her. Please don't take everything she knows away from her for a booty call boy.
How about: The difference between living together and being married is like the difference between renting and owning. Not that being married means one person "owns" another but it is referring to commitment. Does anyone treat a rental car or rented apartment the same as a car they have bought and paid for? Does anyone invest in improving an apartment they don't own? Nope.
Phoenix, there are 2 issues going on for you: #1 is that you must have a conversation with your parents that you are willing to help manage their care, but not take it on entirely. They are grown-ups and can surely understand this. You will be consumed by their care if you put it all on your shoulders. Just because they want that arrangement doesn't mean they should have it. Read the posts in this forum on Caregiver Burnout.
Then, once you get that clarified in your mind and theirs and have a plan for that, then you can give full attention to your boyfriend. I'm opposed to living together for many reasons, but from a secular standpoint there are ample studies that show it makes NO positive impact on the divorce rate for those who go on the marry. He either loves what he sees in you now, enough to commit, or he should move on. It doesn't matter that he is now gun-shy from a prior divorce. If you have a car accident do you avoid driving? No. Also he doesn't seem to have much compassion for your situation and how much stress he's adding to your life. Not a good sign.
Also, you have a daughter and until you're married, she is priority (after you -- you are #1) and then your parents are third, then the BF. If he doesn't like that arrangement he can move along. Remember that you are modeling the kind of priorities and relationships to your daughter. Don't teach her to be a doormat. I wish you all the best, I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as you make some very important decisions!
I have told people who say "why bother with marriage, it's just a piece of paper" - so is the title to your car and the deed to your house. They are also just pieces of paper, but they are pieces of paper that afford you certain legal rights and protections.
Muster up your self esteem and bid him farewell.
Value yourself enough not to give up what's important to you for the possibility of a ring of dubious value. How would you feel if after moving your daughter to some house 50+ miles down the road, your boyfriend decides the test is just not working out for him?
Since you know this man better than we do, it's time to ask yourself some very difficult questions. Is his attitude really just about you providing care to your parents? Or is it something deeper than that? Is he the sort of person who expects his wife to put everyone/everything else on the back burner to cater to his needs? Has he ever told you the reasons for his divorce? He has said to you he would "never" marry you until you live together first. Is this really someone you want to marry? That sounds an awful lot like an ultimatum; and I don't think that's a good way to enter a marriage. And supposing you do as he asks...leave your parents, uproot your daughter, move in with him, then what? Do you honestly believe he will honor his words and propose? How long does he think he needs a trial run before he's willing to commit? 1 month? 1 year? 5 years?
How old were his children when he divorced their mother? Was he an active part of their lives, or was he just a dad of "convenience" - ie. he would dart into their life when it suited him? Is he willing to allow you to put your daughter's needs ahead of his? I know a lot of married men who come to a point where they resent the time their wives spend with their own kids - do you think he will have patience with yours?
These are questions you would need to answer regardless of your parents needing your care.
I agree with the answers that encourage you to speak with a counselor. There are issues you will need to deal with regardless of your decision about this man...mainly how are you going to handle caretaking as your parents get more and more dependent. You have a right to have a life that is not entirely about taking care of others rather than yourself - the question you have to really ponder is if this man is going to be a part of that life. Is he really looking for a partner with whom to share his life or is he just looking for someone who has caregiving so deeply ingrained into her that she won't mind trading taking care of her parents and child for taking care of her partner.
Good luck in making your decision! I wish you well.
He's not selfish to want what he wants, and he's not selfish to say what it is, but he is completely selfish and wrong to put pressure on you to the extent of trying to make YOU feel that YOU'RE in the wrong. You are fulfilling several commitments - he may be one, but he's the newest - and you're not finished yet.
It's also an absolutely terrible time (age 12) to think about a radical change in your daughter's family circle. Seriously, don't do it.
You could make gradual changes over the next five to ten years. If that's too slow for him, he needs someone a little older who isn't still so needed by her family, that's all :)
Yes, your BOY friend is selfish. He knows your situation going in, yet he's looking to just pluck you out of the current living situation and plop you down someplace that is ideal and convenient for him only regardless of the damage it will cause you, your parents and your daughter. And he doesn't even want to make a commitment. That's not a man, that's a selfish overgrown boy.
You said you love him. What exactly do you love about his characters? Does he possess kindness and good morals?
Putting your parents' care aside for a moment, just considering the interest of your daughter only, having a step dad like your boyfriend at the pre-teen age going into the rebellious teenage years is going to be very difficult for everyone, you, him, and specially your daughter. The way you describes him, I would guess once you two get married, he'll demand all of your attention and will look at your daughter as an inconvenience and a burden. There will be a lot of problems.
As for your parents' care, it is going to get harder and harder for you to shoulder all of their care. What is your/their plan when you can't take care of them anymore? With or without your boyfriend, you still need to consider this, because otherwise, you will never have a life of your own. Whatever your plan is, you should take steps towards making it happen NOW. Otherwise, your life will be consumed by your parents' care.
After you have done that, and you can have time to do things for yourself, then you can start looking for a real man, a better man to build your life with.
As for the current boyfriend, I think it's best you dump him as you're just wasting time. Best you use that time to get your parents' affair in order.
Nothing in life is guaranteed, but your love and devotion to your parents and daughter = family, biological, is strong.. That for sure is a guarantee. If you did uproot to move in with him, and something happened, and you did not have a plan in place, you would feel guilty...
maybe both of you should see a marriage counselor now, together. He is divorced and you never married... So, maybe perhaps, do see a counselor.
Beatty is right. THESE ARE BIG ISSUES.
do not make any sudden decisions. think about what you posted, and what beatty posted.
You are caught in the middle with no clear path & I feel you need more than my little 2 cents here. Have you tried professional counselling at all? Someone impartial to listen & work out the priorities with. These are big issues.
Not being crushed under the weight of responsibility & pressure is first. Looking after yourself! The fact you are reaching out for advice is a good step but you may need more than a forum.