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Family. I was foolish enough to think I could do both.

I was wrong!
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Return to the group home.
Your family, and by that I mean your household family comes first. (Wife, children and you)
She will do fine in a group home. Sure it will not be one on one like she has in your home with a caregiver. But she will get encouragement from the staff and you have said that they were wonderful.
You say that the group home looked like a Hospice so you took her home, home to a place you say looks/feels like a hospital. What is the difference? Maybe you feel the "hospital" is better than the "Hospice" because there is a bit of guilt trading one for the other?
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May I gently say, just because you love your mother and view her through a different lens than the residents of the group home, doesn’t mean she’s better or different. Sadly, “happy” is over for your mother, if it was ever truly there. It’s a hard reality to pick between the best of your rotten options for a person with no good options. But it’s much worse to sacrifice your family in service to one who will never be better. Please reconsider the group home you found, I think it was the answer you weren’t ready to see. I wish you peace in this
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You are a kind soul, but your family is suffering with the care demands. Please consider another type of arrangement.

1 - Create an in-law type apartment for your mom. Hone health care aides can care for her during the day. Make sure it is well-insulated.

2 - Talk to long term care facilities about taking your mom. The fact that she needs constant supervision means she probably needs their care.
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This follows up on other comments. Our elders often refuse to see themselves as ‘old’, and are very disparaging of other old people. Facing a group of people as old as themselves is often quite a shock for them, and indeed for their family visitors. Old people in a facility aren’t playing table tennis, and when someone new comes in they are almost certainly going to sit still in silence, just watching. You probably hoped that the other residents would be upbeat, getting along better than your mother at her best. You didn’t give it time to settle down.

My own experience is that the real ‘relationships’ for residents are actually with the staff, not the other residents. (Perhaps different in AL, but that’s a very different level of ‘decline’) With any luck, it’s the staff who are younger, caring, and more upbeat. If the caregivers were 'awesome', your mother would enjoy their company. Perhaps you could visit some more facilities yourself, to get yourself a bit more accustomed to what they have to be like. Look at the residents, not just the sales rep. It’s hard!
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The group home is clean and beautiful and the caregivers are awesome with that said I would reconsider the group home. My uncle was in one of those in our home town. great food and care and he was content. Please reconsider. Wishing the best for you and your mom.
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Your family. Always your family.

There's nothing wrong with mom besides anxiety and depression? Put her in a home and let her adjust.
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Island,

If you find a facility that you feel good about, they most likely have several different wings.
They will do an assessment to determine what is best for Mom.

I will be honest!! All of the facilities I toured before I placed my Aunt were kind of depressing to me. Emphasis on "to me".

I chose the one that I felt best about. My Aunt has Alzheimer's and was unable to decide on a pair of shoes, let alone her new home.

I will tell you that they keep her very busy. She is only in her room to sleep. She seems happy!!

The decision is agonizing!! The guilt can be overwhelming!!
Perhaps if she was kept busy with other folks and activities, she may be less likely to have fits.

I found my Aunts facility thru A Place for Mom. It was extremely helpful. But if you have the time, you can just as easily look up and tour places on your own.
Maybe pick 3 then take Mom to choose her favorite.

Best wishes!!
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Bring her back to the group home. What makes your mom different from the other 9 residents who live there, if I may ask? You say she has no desire to live and would be lying in bed all day if left to her own devices. That sounds no different to me than the other 9 residents in the beautiful, clean group that has awesome caregivers. You KNOW your mother will get one-on-one care there, since there are so few residents. Vs. a nursing home where there would be MANY more residents and your mother might not get as much one-on-one attention.

I vote for the group home you changed your mind about. ALL of these places are going to house people in various stages of what I like to call 'disrepair'. They're old, they're sick, some are wheelchair bound, some can't communicate......it's one thing or another. Your mother grunts, breathes heavily, and ruminates throughout the day HERSELF, so what differentiates her from the rest of the group home residents? She's beyond help, as all the medications and psychiatrists in the world have told you.

It's time for your family to live again, to get your mother out of your home and to take your peaceful loving home BACK. You all deserve it.

Best of luck!
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XenaJada Dec 2020
^^THIS!^^
Your mom is going to be miserable NO MATTER WHERE she is living.
Better she moan and lay in bed somewhere else.
Take back your life.
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Never light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
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SoVeryExhausted Dec 2020
OMG. Exactly. 🤔
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There really is no question here. You can and should be concerned about your mom's well being. That means insuring a safe and healthy environment for her. However, your primary obligation is to your wife and kids. That's a vow you voluntarily made on your wedding day. I certainly don't mean for you to lessen your concern for your mom but you can do both. Obviously, keeping mom at home isn't the answer. You've already recognized the situation is creating a “toxic” environment. You will continue to care for her by providing an acceptable new home for her. Keep looking for the best facility you can find.

But I have a question. It appears you were impressed with the group home but removed her after a day. You said it felt like hospice. What did you mean? The facility was neat and clean and the caregivers were awesome. You may have passed on a good thing. What were your expectations? The key to a great facility is the caregivers, their interaction and concern for the residents. You might want to revisit that place.

I wish you a successful placement of your mom and your return to a “normal” family life.
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xrayjodib Dec 2020
Sjple,

Well said!
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That's very difficult indeed. Some people in AL have a personal caregiver for extra support.

Or like the above poster said, a small Apt near by with caregivers might help.
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Your family must always come first. Keep searching for a nice place for mom. And since you say money is no object, you really shouldn't have any trouble finding a really nice place for her to live. If you're worried about one on one help, you can always hire some outside help(like you have now) to assist her at whatever facility you choose.

Another thought is you can rent a small apartment near by for her, where she can continue to have caregivers stay with her 24/7 as well. She needs to be out of your house, if having her there is causing your wife to become ill. Wife has to come before mom. Best wishes.
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AlvaDeer Dec 2020
Funkygrandma, I couldn't agree more with everything you have written. I send my best wishes to the OP as well, in this difficult decision.
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