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His resources are for his care, his house can be sold to continue that care. If preserving his resources cause this much trouble it is time to move on and let him pay so he can live his life. Your cats wellbeing is far more important then an inheritance.

I agree with tacy his home and maybe he wasn't given any option, poster said her and husband decided.

Can any off us honestly say we would be completely okay in those shoes?
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I also think it's a control (or lack thereof) issue... he's gone from being independent to being dependent. From living alone to now having people move in telling him what to do. From living with an "incredibly kind" wife (which some women often front as because they're just not able to stand up to domineering husbands) to living with a strong female who isn't his wife... and he's lashing out at you through your cats. It's the classic bully's tactic, to dominate creatures weaker than themselves through fear.

I have cats, too, who mean more to me than most people. Personally, I would claim one room of the house for myself, turn it into a luxurious kitty haven, install the best lock money could buy, and lock my babies in there whenever the two of you are gone. It might not 100% keep him out (if he's determined enough to take the door off the hinges or something extreme) but it would slow him down. And if he is that motivated to try and harm them, there's your sign: dad isn't altogether mentally stable and probably should be in a monitored environment 24/7.

Good luck, keep those fur babies safe.
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Gabbygirl Dec 2018
Thanks, Tekkie. The hubs and I have done this as much as possible. There are not many occasions when he is alone in the house with him. We do go out to dinner occasionally, or run an errand for an hour or two and leave him alone with the cats. For the most part, I am not there. Our bedroom is their haven. They have a couple of hiding spots. I've considered locking them in the room, to be honest. It's certainly an option at this point if we can't get him to stop the behavior.
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As much of an animal advocate as I am, I have to wonder if the cats and their abuse or non-abuse is only the tip of the iceberg here. The OP mentioned she and her husband decided Dad was losing it and needed help. Nothing was said about Dad’s feelings and if he was going along with having his home invaded by them, and their cats.

The man’s life has been turned upside down. His Life Partner is gone. He’s old and not well. His house is no longer his own. He’s being taken care of, monitored and supervised by a person HE took care of and raised who is now responsible for HIM, and this guy also brought along a woman who maybe even without realizing it, has taken over the job previously held by a woman he loved for many years. She could be enforcing her own rules and ideas of how things should be. Nothing is said by the OP about what kind of relationship he had with her or his son previously. She doesn’t say what changes she may have made in this house, which isn’t her’s, and whether or not she had FIL’s approval. Yes, it does sound like they moved in and took over, even with the best of intentions.

But, that doesn’t mean what he’s doing to those innocent animals is ok. It does sound like they’re a stand-in for her, though. They can’t fight back and she can and probably would. Dad’s threats to put the cats out and his bullying of them is his way of showing resentment toward her and possibly toward this turn of events in his life. He most likely can’t think of any other way to show his dissatisfaction with his life now.

Who thinks it might not be a bad idea for a family meeting between the three of them? Would Dad be capable of putting his feelings into words? Maybe he figures if they are treating him like a child, he’ll act like one? We aren’t living in his house so we don’t know what’s truly going on. He needs to leave off the cats. Without a doubt. But maybe we need to hear his side.
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Gabbygirl Dec 2018
To clarify, before MIL died and continuing afterwards, the hubs was visiting his dad three times a week to help him. The relationship was not strained. As for changes, other than occupying a room in the house, we have made no changes except for upgrading the cable which we did at our own expense. He has kept his same routine that he has had for a long time. He still watches his shows and naps most of the day in his chair and takes his walks. The house is the same as it was (save for our bedroom) before his wife passed. He still goes grocery shopping at the same stores he went to, buys the same food, and for the most part has the same life he's had for many years. The time that passed between his wife passing and our moving in was six months. We hoped he could manage on his own with just the visits, but it became clear to us that he was not able to manage on his own without help.

My husband is home with him most of the time. He is retired. I am not. I work full time and take care of my own mother. I am not actually there all that much. His son is his caretaker, not me. I have let my husband take the lead on dealing with him as much as possible to avoid any concerns about overreaching. It was the agreement the hubs and I came to. He would handle his dad, and I would handle my mom and neither of us would interfere with the decisions of the other with regard to our respective parents. We are each other's support system. We listen to each other, we vent to each other. We help where we can, but we don't interfere.

Honestly, he wasn't taking care of himself, either out of grief or inability. Our only choices to ensure he got adequate care were to move in and help him for free, hire a caregiver, or put him in a facility or board and care home. He'd be more comfortable in his own home and without a stranger in his home. His son and I have been together for almost 20 years. We are not strangers. He already had one hospitalization from refusing to seek medical attention when he needed it (before MIL passed). This was the best option for HIS comfort and we discussed this with him before moving in. He had said he was fine with our moving in. I would not have agreed to the move if he had not agreed to it. I see it as his home, not ours.
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I'm sorry, but mess with my pet and I'll find another place for you to live! That would be a deal breaker for me.
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mathisawesome Dec 2018
If they are living in his house....then move! Simple
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I'd move out. Even if he stops abusing them when you're there he could let them out to be lost, drop them off a balcony or give them away when you're out.

When I was 16 my mean mother gave my perfectly behaved kitty away to get back at me for being a cute teenager. She's 91 now and there's no way I'd leave my pet with her. Some people are just cruel and you have to protect your pets from them.
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His resources are for his upkeep when he enters a nursing home which is where he needs to be....his resources are not meant to be passed on to his relatives....your pets don’t need fo live in this situation for they will never forget the abuse they are going thru.. and for your own sanity and peace of mind get him in a nursing home or assisted living even if it means selling off his resources to keep him out of your home. I have pets and would never allow them to be terrorized under my watch
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So, Gabbygirl, I think we all understand that you and your hubby are in this duo-caregiving thing together. You take care of your mom and your husband takes care of his dad. You are a united front. Totally on board with each other. Dad wanted you to move in. He apparently is no real problem and your husband is handling his dad’s care very well. But, yet...there is this upsetting (to you) thing with Dad and your cats.

Let me ask you, you’ve gotten a lot of feedback from both sides of the issue here. What will you do now? Even though in your latest post you say your FIL isn’t quite as off the wall as you may have suggested in your previous post, what will you do about his treatment of your cats? Will you confront him about his bullying the cats, as some of us have suggested? Move out? Do nothing? When you ask a question here, you’ll get a wide range of opinions. Maybe you don’t agree with all of us. That’s your choice. As an animal advocate, I would be interested to read what steps you do plan to take to protect your cats. Please keep us updated.
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Gabbygirl Dec 2018
Ultimately, its my husband's call. He's his son and he is with him all day every day. The hubs has confronted him about it, actually a couple of times already. I have expressed that I don't want FIL home alone with the cats and the hubs has pretty much taken him everywhere with him. There is no plan to move out, just yet, nor to move him. This is his home. We know that. We're trying to keep him in it. We've only just embarked on this path since late September and we know that there is an adjustment period of all of us.

We are going to have him medically evaluated to see if there is some sort of cognitive issue with him contributing to this. For the cats, we will keep them in the bedroom for the most part during the day and when he goes to bed, they can have free time to explore safely and get play time and lap time with us. Supervised visitation only for FIL with the cats for the time being.

If the behavior continues, we will have to re-evaluate and moving out is an option for us. But if we move out, then the hubs has some decisions to make about FIL and how to get him the care he needs whether it is in home caregiving, or a facility.
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Just a quick update on the whole situation. After several talks with FIL (by my husband, not me), FIL seems to be doing a LOT better about not scaring the cats intentionally. Not sure what finally got through to him, but according to the hubs, he's not chasing them anymore or clapping his hands, or shaking the chair, etc at them. The braver of the two has let him pat her on the head. The other one keeps a very wide berth. It's a start in the right direction. Thanks, everyone.
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Llamalover47 Jan 2019
Gabbygirl: That's great that things have improved! Praise God!
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That is great news. Before to long they'll all be friends.
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So glad to read it's better! Thank you for the update, Gabbygirl! Best wishes it keeps getting better.
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Id would get a nanny cam to make sure the cats are ok. You dont know what happens when you are not there, or in another room. You cant watch him every minute. I wouldnt trust a nice chat to fix someone with dementia.
From the cats point of view it must be terrifying to go out for a drink of water, and be teased and traumatised for no reason. I would not tolerate that. It only takes 1 time for something very bad to happen. Its not fair to the cats who cant escape. Sure they might escape the room, but that doesnt stop him from cornering them in another room. This isnt a minor thing. Its cruel.
Id borrow a cam to make sure your cats are safe. That way you do know if things have changed.
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