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Dear KimmieK,

PLS arrange for respite care for Mom, so you and the family can go on vacation.You need to build precious memories on your family vacations..

Caregiving wears on your mental and physical health..You have done this caregiving for an inordinately long time..I sacrificed, and learned the hard way, I needed to spend quality vacations with my husband and daughters..My Mom adjusted..And I returned with a healthier perspective/patience level for her needs..

Prayers to you, build those precious memoirs..All deserve, need a rest!🙏🏻😇❤️
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I was always taught the best defense is a good offense. So tell moms sister and your siblings “My family needs a break after 5 years of constant care and stress. It’s obvious that you understand how difficult it is since none of you have ever stepped in to help. Here are the choices: one of you can come here to care for her while we are gone, or we will be putting her in a respite care facility and they will have your names and numbers to call if there is a problem while we are gone. Unless the house catches fire, we do not wish to be contacted. If you choose respite care I do not want to hear one negative remark from any of you judging my choice. If you choose to come and stay with her “‘May the odds be ever in your favor.” Then allow them to choose. Don’t say a word to mom till they arrive and/or you drop her off. Let her know that aunt sally or her other daughter is in charge while you are away. Tell her you love her and hope she has a wonderful time, and that you’ll look forward to hearing about her adventures when you return and you’ll share yours with her as well. Don’t even tell her where you are going.
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ArtistDaughter Jan 2020
Perfect!
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No where is it written in the "caregivers rule book" that you must take the care receiver on vacation with you. Nowhere! Let the chips fall where they may when you return home. But you need to learn to go Gray Rock on your mom when she begins pouting etc. Life is hard...period! Hard for you, hard for her, hard for your family. No one said life would always be fun...and that includes you letting mom stay home. She doesn’t always have to be included. Lordy...you’re already giving up most of your life having her live with you. Take a much needed break and then take another one when the chance comes along!! She’s had her life, now take time off before you keel over before she does.
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GO.!!!
let me repeat that (wish I had larger caps)
GO!
You need a break but just as important your family needs a break!
Find Assisted Living for her that will do a week of Respite.
Arrange the date and time you will bring her. (I suggest adding 2 days to the week. Drop her off the day before you leave and pick her up the day after you return. You can pack and get out of the house without interruption. And you can get back, unpack and do a load of wash before you pick her up.

On the other hand if you really think your sister will have a lot to say about this when you get back ask her if she will come stay with mom for a week, or take mom to her place for a week (plus 2 days)

When you get back..you know you will have passive aggressive behavior so you can deal with it. You won't have to deal with what your sister says cuz either she will have told you no she won't stay with mom or no mom can't come stay with her and those were the option for not placing her in AL for respite.

You might even have the discussion with your husband and with your sister that this might be a bit much for the family and if Al works out for mom it might work into a permanent placement if that is an option.
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kdcm1011 Jan 2020
Plus 2 months ... better yet, plus 2 years ... at sister’s
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Go on the trip. Enjoy yourself. Deal with the passive-aggressive behavior on return. The beauty of passive aggressive behavior is that it can be ignored
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Don't you think you will feel better after a good rest in a lovely place with your husband and daughter and SIL and no pushing a wheelchair through sand? (which, by the way, is one of the best metaphors for long-term caregiving that I have ever heard)

Go! Recharge your batteries! You have not had a break for five years!

And then when you get back you will be much better able to bandage her toes without wanting to strangle her with the bandages instead, and to shrug off uninformed comments from people who should try it before they speak.

Giant hugs to you, please please say you will go.
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Please for your family, do this small request.
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Don't worry about what others say, do what is best for your husband and daughter, need a break too.

You can apply for Medicaid for her and place her in LTC, I believe that it is time for you to get your life back, your husband and daughter deserve better.

Others have given you good advice, please consider their comments.
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TBetty Jan 2020
This is the best advice of all. You have been given a lot of excellent advice. Hugs and prayers.
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What about you, OP? Do YOU want to take her on YOUR vacation? Do you think ONE WEEK out of FIVE YEARS is YOUR RIGHT??

What is “a little cognitive damage”? Has she been formally assessed in terms of her cognitive status?

How old is YOUR DAUGHTER? How does she deal with Grandma’s presence in HER home?

How much does your mother pay for the room, board and care she receives in your home. Who has determined that her resources make her ineligible for Medicaid?

OP, your obligation to your mother is that she be safe and cared for. With her NUMEROUS CONDITIONS, one of her any physicians may well decide that she’d be WELL SERVED in a skilled nursing facility. FIND OUT!

You have to be the agent for change in this morass. You are presently the virtuous dumpster. Do you want to be? If not, do the research- what are your mother’s assets? What are your mother’s ACTUAL NEEDS? OBJECTIVELY, how can her needs be met without impinging on the lives of other members of her family?

YOU have let her care impose upon you for FIVE YEARS. If YOU WANT CHANGE, FIGHT FOR IT. Stop wasting your energies in worrying about what your mother or your sister or her sister say to each other or to you UNLESS THEY ARE WILLING TO TAKE ON PART OF THIS TRAIN WRECK AND GET IT OFF YOU.

DO THE RESEARCH. ADDRESS HER REAL NEEDS. ADDRESS. YOUR REAL NEEDS, and those of your husband and daughter. Act, out of love and dignity.
You ARE WORTH IT.
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What good advice, Takincare!
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You really need to get away without her in tow. You and your family need this time to recharge and reconnect, focus on the family instead of mom and her wants and needs. Taking her with only creates more hardship and work eliminating any enjoyment or relaxation for everyone. You said she doesn't have the funds for AL or skilled nursing facility, begin application for Medicaid now. She may actually enjoy having others to interact with and may be able to stay at the facility as medicare pending. Your local senior services center should be able to assist you with paperwork. Make sure to make and keep at least 2 copies of everything. 1 for your files and 1 for just incase something gets lost or misplaced. It kind of sounds like your husband and daughter are also burned out, but mainly shouting out loud that they miss YOU and what they had in the past as far as a closer family dynamic. Mom knows which buttons to push, she's been doing it since the day you were born. Sister and Aunt attack because #1 they look like heros to mom and#2 it puts you on defensive mode as opposed to offensive ie, fine I'll be moving her in with you for the next 5 years, your turn, tag you're it. Do what's good for you, your family, and mom's care. Sounds like the ER visits may be manipulation, another avenue to the get her into AL, too much of a fall risk at home, especially since she needs to navigate stairs, you can no longer care for her in your home. Do not let them release her into your care, nope, I can no longer safely care for her in my home. What other options do you have? They will be able to place her then.
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The next time she is in rehab, have her transferred to LTC with Medicaid paying if she can't afford it.

You deserve a vacation with just your family. How can it be a vacation if you have to constantly care for someone. Tell your siblings what you are planning. Ask if someone would be willing to stay with Mom. If no one will, then start looking for respite care in an AL or LTC. Or find someone u can trust to stay with her. If she ends up in the hospital, one of your siblings can handle things.
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I have not yet read the other replies, but this is exactly what Respite Care is all about. Making sure your family member is getting care, while the family gets a break.

Who cares what she says after your trip? Who cares what her sister and your sister have to say? One word from them and you take Mum on a one way visit to go stay with them.
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Get mother into respite care for the time you and your family go on vacation. When you get back, after feeling what it's like to have some peace of mind and freedom for a while, apply for Medicaid on behalf of your mother and get her placed into a Skilled Nursing Facility asap, regardless of how it 'makes her feel.' How has SHE made YOU feel for all these years of caring for her, reminding you it's never good enough ANYWAY?

I have an extremely passive-aggressive mother myself, to the point of insanity actually. I read a terrific article on that subject last night and am sharing the link with you in hopes that you will recognize the behavior and how it's designed to drive you crazy:

https://www.liveyourtruestory.com/examples-of-passive-aggressive-behaviour-communication/

I have found the article to be VERY helpful in identifying certain behaviors my mother shows me that I DETEST, and how to react (or better yet, how NOT to react and feed the issue).

Go on vacation. Have fun. Place mother where she can have other people her own age to vent and complain to. She'll be fine AND she'll have a whole team of care givers to cater to her. It's a win-win.

Best of luck!
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Takincare Jan 2020
Ccompletely agree
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I hope you’ll go to the beach without your mom, enjoy the time with your husband and daughter, and have a wonderful, guilt free time. And I also hope that upon your return you’ll feel so refreshed you’ll be ready to institute some new boundaries with your mom. She’s a guest in your home, and you’re a daughter and caregiver, she should feel welcome but not able to dictate or dominate. And you should be comfortable and not tense and guilty when you know you’re doing your best. Enjoy the sand and sun!
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DILKimba Jan 2020
AMEN!!!
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Vent away! I won’t judge you. I was in your shoes. The only difference is triple the time. I cared for mom in my home 15 years.

I had all the concerns that you do. I hated the passive aggressive behavior when mom didn’t get her way.

Here’s the thing though, your mom is going to complain if you stay home. She is going to complain if you go off. So by all means, go off! Use respite care. Some assisted living facilities have wonderful respite care so families can go on vacation.

Who taught me that important lesson when I needed to learn? My husband. Your husband loves you and wants you to have a life too.

Mom no longer lives with me and the weight of the world is off of my shoulders.

Hugs! It’s hard.
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You and your family need to go on vacation without her. Make whatever arrangements are necessary for her care and assistance. Your husband and daughter deserve to have a vacation without wheelchairs and restrictions. I did the mom on vacation with me for 10 years. My son and his wife still resent those trips. My mother was particularly difficult. It was her way all the way.
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Your previous thread indicated that you were looking into AL places six months ago. What happened?
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bolliveb123 Jan 2020
OP says that they looked into it but mom can't afford it.
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Yes. It’s common for overindulged mothers to wind up in the ER when the caretaking daughter goes out of town. I personally know of two that this happened with during the holidays. I agree, hard to prove or understand how it’s on purpose but it happens.

I would set up quarterly respite on your mom’s dime.

If her other daughters want to spare her the expense and keep her, great, but plan your trips for when she is on respite. It’s not contingent on anyone being willing. It’s about your standing up for what you and your family need.

You don’t need her permission. Rethink having to be wherever she is. I assume she’s free to move if she’s unhappy about you taking some time. I’m indignant for you. Sorry. At least think about it. Enjoy your vacation.

note: I see ITRR and I had basically the same thought. Worth saying twice so I’ll leave it. You go girl.
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I agree with your husband and daughter, you need a vacation without your mom.

You can enlist your siblings or put her in a respite facility. When she starts her garbage when you get home, yep mom and that is the very reason that I needed a break. It is all about her in her head and that you can tell her is nonsense and you and your family will be taking care of your needs or she will be finding a new address, maybe a nursing home would be the very thing.
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AT1234 Jan 2020
Or leave her there.
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Your family is screaming for help and your attention. Even though you are the primary caregiver, they are hugely affected by having to cater everything to your mother. Believe me, you can get sick and drop dead, and your mother will still be living. You need to find a way to get her into a facility, for the sake of you and your marriage. You deserve your life too. So do your family.
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lealonnie1 Jan 2020
Well said. I think the numbers are horrific; something like 35% of care givers die BEFORE the elder they're caring for!!
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