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" The only Win I can get out of this situations is to hold on to my life and hubby and never sponsor them…"

And that's a big WIN! Are you still uncertain about what you are going to do (or not do)?
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Keep in mind Alex that wider pathways exist for your brother to leave the country than you had. That your promise to secure them based on your leaving was so they’d give permission for you to go, which brother won’t be encumbered by.
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Alex88 - you somehow managed to escape from a negative toxic family situation when you came here and married your husband. The way your mother and brother are threatening you with guilt, manipulation and blackmail is how they will treat you if you bring them here. In my opinion, they will destroy your life and marriage. You are not obligated to sponsor them and as mentioned your brother has other options. You need to stay firm and say NO.
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I would not sponsor her. Your husband comes first. What city in Iran is your Mom from? I spent a year in Isfahan and 6 months in Teheran. I enjoyed my time there and loved the food. I always go to an Iranian restaurant whn I visit Houston, TX.
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MargaretMcKen Aug 2022
I too travelled through Iran about 50 years ago, from Herat to Turkey, via Teheran and Isfahan, and I also loved it. Everyone we met seemed to be keen on the Shah – how things change! Alex might have been happier under the Shah? But I only remember the good bits – like the restaurant up the hill in Teheran where you sat on platforms over a running stream and had wonderful food.

Past life can give you good memories, without the problems that were there at the time - for yourself as well as for others. In the present, you live your own life as best you can. There is no future if you are chained to the past.
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NO! NO! NO!
That's a tough one. The bottom line is don't do it. It would be toxic for your family. Once she is in she will stay more than a year.
If you do it, you will regret it.
Be strong and tell her that you cannot do it.
It is an unpleasant task but you only need to do it once.
If she lives with you, the unpleasantness for each family member will last as long as she lives in your house. It could easily end your marriage.
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Alex, unless you have a million dollars to yourself, just tell them you can’t afford it.

If you’re in California, a community property state, you won’t necessarily get half of hubs earnings, nor does it sound like he’s empathetic to doing that to subsidize her.

Its kinda a crappy position that brother now is the only on site for mom. If you and h feel it, you might consider Western Unioning her some funds.
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Alex88, I feel for you. I understand the pressure you get from your mother. Given what I know about your culture, I am guessing your mother is also feeling the pressure to show off to the relatives and friends and acquaintances. She needs to show off to them that she has good and successful children who care and love her and will do anything for her.

You bringing her to the US, she can brag to everyone and be proud.
Not having any kids taking her in means she is abandoned. That's too shameful.
How will she show her face to anyone?
What will she say when her friends or some relatives tell her their children from the US are going to bring them there, and do this, and buy that for them, etc.?
Cultural expectations. Let me know if I am off base on my guess.
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Seekingtruth123 Aug 2022
Oh my....you have just described my mother so so well!

"Not having any kids taking her in means she is abandoned. That's too shameful. 
How will she show her face to anyone?"

Its all about showing face for her. I think that's why she hates my grey hair. It shames HER to her friends.
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What a tough spot you're in.

Submit to deeply helded cultural expectations and obeying your parent which will ruin your marriage. Or
Keep your marriage intact which will disappoint your parent and possibly be disowned.

Is there a middle ground?

Can you stall them? Tell mom and brother that you will sponsor them when you make enough money in a few years. Or
Send them money periodically to help make their lives more comfortable which will keep them content to stay in Iran.

No easy answers. One thing I recommend is that you have a heart to heart conversation with your husband so he really understands your problem, and work with you as a team to come up with whatever solution you both think is best.
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If the OP was able to get here on her own, why can't her brother do the same then bring the mother over?

You are a free person here. If you bring these two over they will demand your servitude to them for the rest of your life. Cultural or not, is that how you want to live the rest of your life? I'm assuming that if you enjoyed this lifestyle you would have stayed in your home country.
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Alex88,

Do you know how to hang up a phone? For God's sake, your family is all the way in Iran. So whatever hurtful comments, threats, or insults they might say to you can easily be avoided by not taking their calls. Or by hanging up the phone.
The cultural nonsense of you being the one your family "allowed" to come to the U.S. because you'll bring them all over here has to stop. You're an American woman now. You don't need anyone's permission or approval to live your life and do or not do anything.
Tell your mother and brother that you will not be sponsoring them because you are not in a position to financially support them (your mother likely for life) and that you cannot risk your income and your husband's. Also, you can tell them that you're going to give the American taxpayer a break too. We're not going to have to support your mother for life and probably your brother for a long time.
You came to America, got married and made a life for yourself. If you wanted a life of servitude under your family's thumb, you would have stayed in Iran. You didn't though.
Time to grow a backbone and tell mother and brother that you cannot sponsor them to come here. If they want to be like brat children about it and disown you, that's on them not you. Your marriage is more important than your mother and brother. If bringing them here is going to cause problems with your husband, don't bring them here.
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PeggySue2020 Aug 2022
Actually, this isn’t on Alex’s husband. It’s on her. Marriages can fail, but she’s ok to continue her own life here. And presumably she doesn’t have the money to finance their stay in Dubai either.
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