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Just tell your mom that it isn’t possible. No need to elaborate. See what you can do to help her find or remain in the home where she is.
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Your husband is right, and once you are married, your first loyalty is to your husband, not your mother. There is nothing but trouble for you in bringing your mother to live with you. Caregiving is exhausting, demanding in a way that you can’t imagine, and ruins relationships. Please don’t do it.
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All the answers below PLUS- DO NOT, for her sake and yours, take her in for “a year”.

Your husband is being too generous, and he’s 100% RIGHT.
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Your husband is absolutely correct.
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Bad decision to move her here, and especially to live with you. Trust me, this will not work. Others have posted some very valid reasons not to do this.

Listen to them and your husband.

Your mother is only 65, she could live for another 30 years and if you start this now, it will never end, once you move her in, she will not leave willingly and that opens another can of worms!

Your husband has made it clear, listen to him, he is your priority.
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Do not move your mother here. Your husband and your marriage come FIRST. Your mother is Muslim and will not fit in here, unless you and your husband are Muslim too. There will be no customs she's familiar with, no friends she can hang around with, nothing for her to do. She will have no income, no Social Security check to rely on, no job, how will she contribute to your household? She will have preconceived notions of how YOU should live YOUR lives and make them known to you. Your privacy will be compromised with her living in your home. She has back issues, arthritis and diabetes, and NO HEALTH INSURANCE in the USA. How will all her bills get paid, including doctor bills? Medication bills? Hospital bills? The cons outweigh the pros by a huge margin!

You tell your mom she cannot live with you b/c your husband is not comfortable with the arrangement. Blame him. Sorry mom, I love you but I have to defer to my husband on this. We'll come to visit as we are able, but we cannot move you to the USA.

Nip this potential catastrophe in the bud BEFORE it happens so that you're not trying to figure out how to get mom OUT of your house once she's settled in there, snug as a bug in a rug. Moving her here 'for a year' means you'll never be able to move her BACK to where she came from!!!! Big mistake.

Read these boards. See for yourself how hard it is to actually DO that!

There will be people here that disagree with me, and that's fine. This is just my opinion based on years of dealing with a difficult mother who did NOT live with me, but who caused me and my husband A LOT of heartache nonetheless. 10.5 years of caring for her and a lot of time and energy spent trying to deal with OUR lives and her life at the same time. Our marriage suffered a LOT of hits as a result, trust me on that.

Good luck.
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PeggySue2020 Aug 2022
Just because someone is a Muslim doesn’t mean they won’t fit in anymore than if they are Christians or Jews or Hindus or whatever.

The larger problem is that you will have to pay for everything from the get go. Meaning hubs will have to help pay. Like Lea said, it is extraordinarily expensive to even get medical insurance for someone 65 plus, if you can even find it.
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Why is she moving here at all? Is there no family there who can keep an eye on her? She's hardly elderly and should be able to care for herself.

Trust me, if she moves here she'll be 100% dependent on you for everything -- support, food, housing, medical, and social life. You won't have a minute to yourselves.
I wouldn't do it for more than a week's vacation, let alone a year.

Your husband is very wise. This WILL destroy your marriage, so make the choice now -- Mom or husband.
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I would really, really, REALLY think this through.

Your DH is not saying mom can NEVER live with you--he's just putting a time frame out there, and I think that's really good of him. You are still essentially newlyweds and mom will certainly be 'in the way'--a year will give you time to help her acclimate and to find out what her options are as to housing, etc. As she is coming in as a foreigner, I have no clue what rules would apply, but start NOW and get as much info as you can as soon as you can. Let her know she will be with you for PERHAPS as long as a year, but possibly less as you will want her to be independent.

Can you find a Muslim 'community' for her? She will be most comfortable if she has like minded 'friends'.

You can always be a support, but your first 'person' is your hubby.

Since you and mom do not have a stellar relationship, it's best you respect that she probably hasn't changed at all and now she'll be in your home, definitely upsetting the dynamic between you and DH. Do you think that just b/c you're married, mom will give you space to build your marriage? Just a guess on my part, but I think she will just continue on as she has before. And that will get old--fast!

So--I'd suggest you contact someone who can guide you in this process. Hopefully you can get started NOW finding mom's 'new home'. She will probably require in home CG's and paying for that shouldn't be your responsibility--you have your work cut out for you.

You're an adult now and in the driver's seat. Of course you want to respect mom (and that is hard when the history has not been great) but you sound like a kind hearted person and I wish you the best.

Others with real experience with this will chime in. I can only 'vote' for the year (or less) and be grateful that DH spoke his mind BEFORE mom got here.
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Your husband has given you the choice already. It is him, or it is your mother.

Theres another poster here who brought her mom over from India. This poster recounted about how one day they came in to encounter dear old mom standing over her toilet with actual feces running through her hands, crying that she thought the feces needed to be put somewhere.
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My advice is for you to listen to your wise husband. I am 63, young at heart, great shape, independent, and would NEVER want to burden my kids. You may think your mom is old, nope. Your husband is telling you he doesn’t want his marriage compromised as well as your budget. I have been married 40 years, and we’re better together, when we listen to each other. Jus’ saying. 😉

My younger two sisters thought our mom needed so much help, starting when mom was 50-55. I’m oldest, realized this was a future potential problem and yes, 30 years later, the youngest daughter does everything for mom. She never moved out, so she is their full-time caregiver, and is very happy not working, and being with them every minute. Be careful what you put in motion. Take care.
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