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It sure seems unfair that your husband expects so much from you. If he's getting good care, why move him. If you agree to this, you're probably going to be miserable.
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Your FIL needs too much care and supervision for your family to take on his care at home. B/c your husband is already significantly involved in helping with his father's care, it might loom like a good idea to him to get paid to do this instead of finding a regular job.

It is NOT a good idea. There is far more to care taking than calming you FIL down when he is agitated. The living in situation would certainly disrupt and likely destroy your marriage and family If your husband is angry about your relectance to move your family in with his dad, give some serious thought to what that means about your marriage and your relationship with your husband.
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You will be lumbered with all the care as before, ask your husband will he clean up and bath his dad. Change his nappy and God forbid he starts hiding dirty tissues around the house as he forgot what to do with them after he wiped himself after going for a poo.How will the outbursts affect the children. It’s unfair of your husband to want to put the family through that. Plus your husband will have to be with his dad 24/7.

tell your husband to get a job as a carer at the facility so he can earn money and also keep an eye on his dad.

Its a definite no. After watching my mum decline it ends up taking a team of people to help, the reason they medicate is to keep them calm. If he is violent he could lash out at the little one.

your husband is being unreasonable and only thinking of the money. Legally he may not even be able to bring his dad home, once diagnosed with dementia etc. you are not allowed to sign a legal document or a discharge of care from a facility.He may have a fight on his hands with the facility.

living with someone like that will be bad for your family and your marriage.

my mum died of Alzheimer’s and the end was not pretty. Mum needed a catheter wore a nappy and needed regularly turning in bed to prevent bed sores. Needed help with everything. His dad will decline and if he is violent it’s not fair on either you or the kids.

DONT DO IT,
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What an outlandish and terrible idea! IMO, your husband needs a good therapist that can help him through any guilt he feels, and make it clear that his plan is not advantageous for anyone. Your husband is putting his father above his own family in this case so please stand your ground and say NO.
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You have many good answers here that cover a variety of reasons of why this is a very bad idea. I will just also say this is a bad idea. Perhaps your husband is making this decision under stress or emotion. Anyway, he is being unrealistic and making choices that will destroy his marriage and family. It’s a poorly thought out plan. It sounds to me like your FIL is beyond Assisted Living and needs nursing home level of care.

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you say no, and something happens to your FIL, like he dies in AL, then you will be blamed as the one that stopped your husband from taking him home. If you agree, you and your family will likely be miserable and you might also be taking on a good part of the caregiving. Your husband is not being fair to you.

Your husband has not thought this through and is not being practical. Like many people here on this forum, myself included, we have made uniformed decisions and found ourselves in deep. Many of us do not truly understand what it takes to care for an elderly relative, particularly one with dementia and multiple health issues. We make decisions based on guilt or emotion. Unfortunately you need to stick to your guns and do what’s best for your children.
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ABSOLUTELY NO. Did I emphasize that enough? Let me say it again -- ABSOLUTELY NO, NADA, DO NOT DO IT. You're a young family. With all the issues your father-in-law has (mental health rapidly declining, falling resulting in a hip fracture, outbursts, yelling throughout the night, inappropriate speech, restlessness, behavioral problems, sleep disorder, needing "assistance with almost EVERYTHING except eating", your father-in-law needs to be evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist. It sounds like he is needing a higher level of care than assisted living; perhaps a memory care facility at this point. All that, coupled with what you describe as your marriage being on shaky ground, moving him out of his current living situation to all of you together in a 1700 sq ft house, is a recipe for disaster.

Does your husband think his behavior will magically "get better"? I can guarantee you it will not. If you've read any other posts on this subject (moving in with a parent or moving a parent in with you), 98% of posters regret their decision within months if not weeks. Your family's mental health and well-being is NOT WORTH IT. The money you will supposedly get from your FIL instead of the assisted living facility is NOT WORTH IT. I'm begging you, DO NOT DO IT. JUST NO. Stand firm.
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For me it would personally be a deal breaker. No matter I spent my life as a nurse and I loved it, I could never have done in home caregiving. Not in a million years.
I would happily take full blame. I would tell my husband I am very sorry and would tell him I accept full blame for being inadequate to the moment. I would tell him that I wished him every luck and that I would visit him and his Dad often as I was able, bringing in some groceries, cooking, helping out. But that I would not live in with him and his Dad.
So it's that simple. Accept what you are capable and what you are not.
To be frank with you, it is your husband I feel to be "wanting" here in understanding where his obligations lie. I would offer a willingness to seek marital counseling with a QUALIFIED psychologist or Licensed Social Worker. Your husband's obligations are to his nuclear family, his wife and his children. You will not be able to change his thinking. But he should not be allowed to abuse you for YOUR thinking, nor to obligate YOU and his children by his own wishes. I think because of his not working now he thinks to give himself some feeling of adequacy; because of his father's behavior he likely feels pressed. But this is hardly your problem.

So sorry you are dealing with this, but for me this would be an easy one, and in terms of my marriage, an absolute deal breaker. Not every marriage can last through these issues, and in fact, in an already "rocky" marriage, as you describe times in past, yours may not. Time to think about self protection for you and your children. The answer is not bringing a difficult elder into the situation.
Long and short I would simply say "I have thought a long time about what is best for me and for my children and our own child, and I will not be moving back to your Dad's home. Should you choose to do that I will help you out with some meals, groceries, and visit as long as those visits can be pleasant with our working together in your Dad's best interest. But I will not be moving in, and that is a final decision for me, not matter what you think or feel about it. So I won't be discussing it further, but will just be wishing you good luck in your decision. Discussion at this point will only become argument, which will help neither us nor our children nor your Dad. Let me know when you have made any decisions and I will help you where I feel able to."
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Mellcan Dec 2021
Really well-stated and you covered so many of the major points so well!
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NO, NO, and NO. Do not do this. What really struck me was "My husband thinks dad will get better if we do this." Your husband's already devoting all his time to keeping dad calm, and he's NOT getting better. Your husband is naive. and needs a counselor. Show him all the answers on this website.

Listen to the collective NO ---
Your FIL probably belongs in a Memory Care AL Facility
Your FIL is barely meeting the rules for AL and WILL get worse
Your FIL likely needs a geriatric psychiatrist evaluation
Your FIL could live in a tiny home on his own property instead of sharing a SMALL house with 4 other people. You'll need to fence the property with locks.
You FIL may sexually molest your children, he may even expose himself to YOU or your guests. He may encourage your sons to watch porn.
Your FIL won't have the income from renters once he moves home, so he is expecting your family to make up for that by freeing him from AL.
Your FIL may not be allowed back to the AL once he leaves
Your FIL is probably avoided by others in the AL due to his dementia behavior
Your husband needs to read about sundowning, Lewy body dementia, etc.
Your FIL will do things like: leave ice cream out to melt in the night, wander off property in the night and fall in a ditch and die, approach strange women on the street and offer to marry or have sex with them, decide to use a gas stove and possibly burn the house down. Your husband could be held liable for his actions if he wanders.

This could ruin your marriage, make your children unhappy, and destroy your husband's peace of mind as well as yours. Your husband truly has no idea.
No inheritance is worth ruining his own life and happiness. Someone said your husband should get a job at the AL and see if he can survive the daily grind for even 8-12 hours, let alone 24. I agree.
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Forgive me as I seem to often 'come late to the party' on these discussions but it also gives me a perspective and clarity from reading many of the early replies. I agree wholeheartedly that moving your entire family and established life into FIL's house would be a huge mistake on every level. Let your husband move in with his dad if he insists on pulling FIL out of the care facility; you said you'd help out in a case like that, so do, but keep it at Just That: Help Out, while you 'keep the home fires burning' for the family home you and your husband have established for yourselves. Frame it that way to your fraught husband: keeping the Central Unit intact! Don't let this guilt trip morph into full blown 'gaslighting'...emphasize you're just going to Maintain the Marriage/Base Camp; your husband needs to face facts with his dad, with or without professional guidance. And he will need help with his dad, which is Not you; he will need to hire professional caregivers: this will give him the real-time understanding of what his dad actually needs, what is the truth of the situation. You cannot subject any of your family members (yourself included) to the irrational actions or language of a declining elder, not fair and not healthy for anyone. If your husband can afford to not return to work, let him be the 24/7 caregiver for his father as his 'job'. If your husband can support his dad's household expenses AND his Primary Residence (with you and the children) it may be a demanding 'experiment' but at least would give husband first-hand knowledge that could help him come to a better understanding. If the two homes are far apart, perhaps a small 'grandad unit' could be built on your property, with FIL's care completely Separate from the primary family's everyday life. I wish for the best for all concerned and for the welfare of your marriage as this situation plays out.
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I would strongly suggest to say no. I am caring for a relatively cooperative but limited by a major stroke spouse. What your husband is talking about sound impossible.
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Val...I also read your reply further down about suggesting your husband do a trial period first. That's an excellent idea. He will find out it is much harder than he expects now. Also, the advice about making sure to have a contract and fill out timesheets for the work, and keeping every receipt for the father-in-laws expenses and payments to your husband. We do this now. I spent hours making up my own timesheet for my sister and I to use (I had never used Excel before), and an elder attorney said it was great. You just have to make sure the paper trail is good for Medicaid if there is a chance FIL will need it someday.
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JaniceM Dec 2021
Nowhere does Val mention her FIL's age. If he is young enough to be expected to live 5-10 more years, they need an elder law attorney. Medicaid has a 5 year lookback period. An irrevocable trust signing dad's house over to her husband might be advisable NOW.
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Don't do it. Refuse.
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This seems like an enormously tough question and I hope I don't offend by weighing in, not my goal. My honest thought is that thete is a lot going on with your husband and his father, both separately and together. I have recognized through my mother's recent decline my attempt to control the situation- which only God has the power to do- re: meds and things. Perhaps your husband is thinking he can "control" the outcome by sittimg at the facility all day to deny his father the meds- but what's the point?
So, the financial costs are about the same re: FIL's house vs. facility but there are plenty of other costs involved as you mention- and these cannot be dismissed. I hope counselling is part of the constellation because hubby seems to be a bit out of touch in terms of what he thinks he can change vs. what he cannot. And yes there is recovery language in here since I am blessedly in recovery.
All the best. This sounds very difficult, sending you empathy and support.
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Please don't agree to this. It will completely destroy your family life!! And living with your FIL 24/7 will make you desperate to give him sedatives. When you have the agitation and shouting out constantly it gets into your head and can drive you mad, believe me!!! It's a really bad idea but if your husband is adamant, let him move in with him first and see how it goes before you involve the whole family.
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Short and blunt:
Another word for placing your children-(all of them, the 4 y.o. and any under 18) in a "Toxic Environment" is called child endangerment, punishable by law.

Sorry. Step up to your new role as "the bad guy".
Own it.
Practice it.
Use it to protect your children.
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AlvaDeer Dec 2021
I love this advice. Sometimes you just need to say you are happy to assume the role of bad guy.
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There’s some excellent advice given below like letting your husband try it out alone, first.

Maybe go to marriage counseling because your husband seems obsessed, perhaps due to guilt and losing his job? He’s not thinking straight and in the best interest of his entire family.
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IF the plan does happen, make your husband understand that HE will be 100% responsible for caring for his dad. It is certainly NOT an ideal solution to his unemployment. Make sure that we understands that payment means a real job, paying real taxes, providing health insurance for his family and that his personal life is over. He is getting ready to bite off more than he can chew. To avoid any conflict with your other children, make sure they stay clear of him. You don’t want your custody jeopardize. Based on what you are saying, he is a dangerous man and protecting your children, at all cost, is first priority. Have an attorney to draw up a contract!!
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Maryjann Dec 2021
I was going to write the same thing -- put everything in writing if he MUST do it. Also is there any way to put up a second, separate little place for you and the toddler (and potentially the boys) to seek shelter in. Is the yard large enough? You need an escape room. Also I am going to assume that you are currently renting, because as has been said, he cannot move you out of a home where you are part owner (at least he shouldn't be able to, I'm not a lawyer). I have no real advice except to say that it sounds like this is a time to seek counseling for your marriage. If he won't go, that will tell you a lot right there about his priorities.
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As I read all of this I keep wondering what your husband thinks gives him the authority to move you out of your home against your wishes. Are you a co owner of your present home? Is he planning to sell it and use the profit on his dad's home? You MUST KNOW that his plan will end in disaster for your marriage though there's no convincing him obviously. So you need to find your grit and protect your own interests before it is too late. He has become irrational and selfish with no regard for you or the children. It's up to you as the sane one to stand firm and not let him push you around.
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rovana Dec 2021
You have targeted a very basic social issue. It is not or should be not a case of different perquisites for different folks. Read the Bible and you will see that husbands are not to do things their wives are against, not to provoke their children. A married man is not simply a single man with benefits. That is not marriage.
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I would inform him that it is a disaster waiting to happen.

If you make the move it will destroy your life, your marriage and take a huge toll on your children.

If he choses to take care of his dad inform him you will be waiting for him when he gets burned out but he is going alone.
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This is very sad. I see the responses are overwhelming negative regarding bringing him home. I have no opinion since I don't know his history. However, there are families that can do home care and it can be beneficial. My husband's Irish Italian family did it. With love. I've worked in two hospitals and had loved ones in hospitals, some for extended stays. They're businesses that seek the maximum revenue with the least expense for the cases that come through the doors. I've had loved ones in assisted care. I've managed a behavioral healthcare program (EAP) for employees of a major nursing home. and spent a lot of time in that facility seeing what transpires and the nature of the resident care and employee situations. I had a loved one deteriorate in hospital and assisted care. Elderly are indeed often at risk for a quick decline in these setting. Just google it: do elderly decline in assisted care facilities? Psychotropics can have many side effects and can cause cognitive and behavioral and emotional problems. I'm not a fan. In my personal experience, my sharp as a tack geriatric husband in good physical and mental condition deteriorated rapidly due to adverse effects of these and other medications. They gave him quietude and other psychotropic drugs - why? I suppose just because that's what they do. He never had a dementia or mental health diagnosis, and had none of these conditions. In fact, he was screened for dementia twice as a routine procedure due to his age shortly before his hospitalization, once by his Primary Care and once by the ARNP who came to our home yearly to do a routine assessment for his Medicare provider, United HealthCare. I have a suspicion that most everyone of a certain age gets pretty much the same cocktail. No informed consent. Did not tell me. I found out after the fact and was livid. Turning him into a permanent invalid. I brought him home against the wishes of extended family who were not financially or otherwise involved in his care. I spent a lot of money for a few weeks paying for 24/7 CNAs to help me move and clean him. He rebounded to his prior level of functioning - which was high. Medicare then paid for homecare: a CNA 6 hours a day and Physical and Occupational Therapy. And a RN who came daily. He was going downhill fast in the hospital and assisted care facility. He was starting to look like an Alzheimer's case - which he decidedly was not - any more than am I or you the reader. I realize most people can't do what I did. But I'm glad I could. Mind you his illness started with an adverse effect from a medication, moving to a hospitalization, moving to more medications, moving to decline, until he was set free from this cycle.
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Myownlife Dec 2021
And yours is very non-typical. Sad, scary, but don't confuse the OP's situation with yours.
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If you allow an intermingling of these families, God have mercy on you. This man is stubborn, selfish, arrogant, demanding and has physical and mental problems. DO NO, NO MATTER WHAT, ALLOW HIM INTO YOUR HOME OR HAVE HIM LIVE WITH YOU. It will be hell on earth for everyone involved and will ultimately destroy you. When people behave like this, they must be placed for their safety and your sanity. Just ignore him completely and live YOUR life while you still have a chance.
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Riley2166 Dec 2021
While it is nice your husband cares for his dad, his responsibility should first come to you and the kids. No question about that. If push comes to shove, and he chooses his father, you may have to be prepared to leave your husband but I hope that does not happen.
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valsutherland: Imho, this would be wrong in a myriad of ways - where is the income to support this effort since your husband was laid off?, how long will husband's father's financials hold out?, dad wanting 'companionship,' to put it loosely is a problem, how on earth will this work as dad is much more advanced in his illness and a lot more.
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Would you be selling a home to move to dad's house? If yes, and you decide to go along with this, I would discuss and have a written agreement as to where the entire amount from sale of your joint home will be kept while HE is caring for his dad 24/7. Don't let it be used for any bill paying or day to day living. If things really do go south, you can split the house money and move on. (May even need to talk to an attorney about how to set that up).

If hubby is going to be paid what the facility gets paid, caregiving becomes more than a 40 hr per week job. It will be 24/7. Facilities have shifts to allow employees to work about 8 hrs a day. Then they go home to rest. What he is about to do will be 24/7 and rest will come only when dad is calm and sleeping - which may not be all that regular. Has he really thought it out on how long he can manage with very little sleep and being in service to someone at all hours of the day and night? -- I get it. He hates to see his dad in a facility - and certainly he doesn't get the one on one care he would get from your hubs, but hubs may be able to do better for the family by earning an hourly wage at 40 hours and using dad's money to pay for in home help when/if he brings him home.

The other thing to consider is how long will dad's money last. Consider first what hubs plans to be paid and then plan for additional expenses when dad declines more and hubs needs help. -- Oh, and by the way, if there is the slightest chance dad will run out of money, you need to see an elder atty to help you with all the documents and guidance you need for hubs to report all the income he will be making as dad's employee. You'll need this info if he runs out of money and you have to apply for a Medicaid nursing home bed. Everything needs to be on the up and up to avoid penalty months. Penalty months equal number of months hubs will have to figure out how to pay a nursing home when dad is in much worse condition than he is now.

If all this is a deal breaker for you - then just tell him no. You'll help him find another facility if he's not happy with the care dad gets at current facility, but with your own work/school and children involved, you just can't allow such a negative home life to involve all the kids. You're right. You can tell the kids don't take the words to heart, but they will. And there's a good chance dad's words are only going to get meaner and more crushing, even to an adult.
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NO NO NO - you love your husband in a rocky marriage but he obviously loves his Dad more. OK loving your parents isn't a bad thing, but putting them above your wife and young child (lets just ignore your sons for the moment although they are just as important in the solution but they are not his) is not acceptable. He might as well just tell you he wants a divorce to look after Daddy. If I were you and he moved to do this, I would be packed and out with the children even to a hostel, either he comes to his senses or you make a new life for you and the children which doesn't impact negatively on you all. You KNOW that if husband does what he wants it will be YOU doing the caring, dealing with abusive FIL etc. This really has red flags all over it - keep yourself and children safe and healthy.
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Get his doctor involved. He knows all these maladies and can write a letter confirming he’s in the safest place.
i got my mothers attorney involved when she wanted to move back home. Her doctors already approved the move.
She had home care until she required (2) staff. Then her long term care required her to go “assisted living.”
He took the “bad person,” role away from me and put it on himself.
He made her sign the letter so she would stop protesting.
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You are on the cusp of a big change. For starters, this will not work. I wonder if there is a financial need component to your husband's idea.? Without his income, would you lose your house? Otherwise, If your husband insists, let him go for three months, while you stay in your home. Uprooting your family is not often a good idea. if, after three months, your husband has it well in hand, visit there for a weekend, and then, if it works, another weekend...
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Are you prepared to put your life on hold.He won't be able to do it by himself so that means you will be recruited too.My mom has dementia/anxiety and finally got too much for me alone to take care of .She is in a very caring nursing home that deals with dementia issue's.I see her every day for about 4 hours.I've dealt with the meltdowns,begging to take her home,falls,crying,fear and constant pacing.That has happened in the 4 hours I'm there.It's exhausting physically and mentally. I am thankful that someone I trust takes over.Please don't let him guilt trip you. Some one has to be the voice of reason.
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I have several thoughts:
First: what you describe is NOT a good care facility! I encourage you both to do a lot of research on facilities - even if it means looking outside of your immediate community - to understand better what good care looks like. You need to have that baseline understanding before you make a decision.

Second thought is that I'd pull in his geriatric care physician as a consult to any move. If he doesn't have a geriatric specialist, he certainly needs one. It sounds like he may need a neurologist as well. As with understanding good care, you need a solid understanding of his physical, emotional, and cogitive state and what to expect in the years to come. That plan should include an understanding of access to in-home care and hospice care.

With the clarity that the first two things provide, I think you both have a better understanding of what you are taking on, AND what you do when he reaches a point that he cannot be cared for at home. Without steps 1 and 2 you simply cannot do that no matter how many people respond to the thread.

Other items you need to include in your plan:
1. Cost of modifying the home so it is safe for him to age in place. Bring in a specialist to identify what you need to change.

2. Cost of additional support which may range from direct care for your father in law to support you and your husband will need so you are free to care for him, such as a yardman, house cleaner, handyman, babysitters/child care to do all the things you cannot do now that you have the responsibility of care.

3. Look into respite care as your family needs and deserves a plan for holidays and vacations away from dad. Make decisions on when there will be time for just you and your husband, and you and your family, to get away to recharge.

(*note, doing these things helps to emphasize what you are paying for in the care facility. There is a reason good care is expensive because good care is hard to provide - but again, he currently does not have good care.)

4. My final suggeetion is to strongly encourage marital counseling. You are already a blended family with a lot on your plate. The health and well being of your father in law is important and you and your husband need to be on the same page - whether you move him or not. You need to fine tune your communication skills because there will be more decisions - lots more decisions - you need to make as a family and you need the best bond you can forge to make them well.

I realize this may not be the quick and easy answer you may have hoped for when posting to a large blog. It will be easy to find people who tell you "do not do this" but the truth is you will end your marriage if you don't approach this situation honestly and openly with all the information you can get. If you are not willing to consider these strategies and know you won't take on the responsibility of care, have the integrity to end the marriage now - before your husband moves his father out of long-term care and is stuck doing this alone. I have had a committed partner who worked alongside me supporting my care for my mom, and it strengthened our relationship. Caring for a parent does not have to end a marriage, but you need much better information and strategies than you have right now.
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