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My mom lives with my sister, Billie Jo. In the past two weeks, she is telling Billie Jo that she is not her daughter. She is insistent that Billie Jo tells her who her parents are, and is very upset that no one ever told her that she is not her daughter. She calls my sister "the other girl" or "the other Billie Jo". She will not let it go. She calls my siblings and me and ask us if we know her situation (I guess living with "the other Billie Jo". It is really upsetting because we can't get her past it. Any suggestions on what to say to her to calm her down?

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My mom used to think that I was a nurse, a man, or the "other Andrea."

There is nothing you can tell her to change her mind.

Just let her know that your sister is a nice friend who cares for her.
And, give your sister plenty of support, as it is very difficult to have your mother not recognize you.
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Id say, well I'm sorry but daughter or not we are here to take care of you. Some just don't get it and never will. Just remember it's their brain not working right. Just over look it and do what you have to do and don't take it to heart.
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While it wouldn't hurt to check for a UTI, it's likely just part of the progression of dementia. Usually sudden changes in behavior herald the possibility of a UTI - this sounds more like just memory loss/drifting back in time.

That said, I agree with most of the responses. Go with the flow. It is hard on those of us who are "forgotten", but we know who we are and what we do. None of you will be able to change your mother's mindset about Billie Jo. It will only be upsetting to her and to you to continue trying.

As my2cents suggested, have Billie Jo call her by phone and see if she recognizes the voice. How often do the other siblings visit mom? Does she still recognize you all by sight, or just by phone? Age makes a difference too. If she is the youngest, she may have already dropped off the radar as far as memories go. All the more reason not to force the issue.

While it may be different causes behind this, more than likely it is because she is drifting back in time. Initially short term memory loss often happens, so anything new or recent isn't retained and repetition happens. This alone can be contentious, as WE know what was said or done, but they can't recall it. Over time more and more long term memories are lost as well. If you read enough postings on this site, there are a number of those who insist on "going home" when they are still living in their home, sometimes for many many years. Home is no longer THAT home, it is some home in the past, even a childhood home.

My mother took me by surprise one day. Nine months after moving to MC, she was still asking YB to take her back to her condo of 25 years. Out of the blue, she asked me if I could drop her off at her mother's on my way home - her mother had been gone 40+ years. After getting past that by suggesting we do it tomorrow, she asked if I had a key to the place in X, you know, on Y road (X was the town, Y was the road.) They had owned that for many years, so it fell into that 40 years ago range. Sometime later she asked about a younger sister, also gone. Her statement when I said I hadn't heard from her recently was that she's probably tied up with THAT baby (her emphasis.) That baby was my cousin's severely disabled child, also just about 40 yo at that time.

By asking the right questions, we can often figure out WHEN in life a LO is living. Had she survived longer (taken out by strokes), I suspect the regression would have continued, putting her further back in time, quite possibly leading to her forgetting who I was also. To back up my thoughts about this, she clearly still knew who I was, as I would have been an adult 40 years ago - younger certainly, but still recognizable and visited often enough. She had a very vague recollection that I had kids, but being about 40 yo, she wouldn't know them as adults, in her mind they were still kids. YB's daughters are much younger and she had no clue who they were when I was doing Xmas cards with her. By sight, even before the move to MC, she thought my daughter was some cousin of hers.

It's different for each person, but clearly trying to convince her that Billie Jo is her daughter isn't working. It would be best to find a "persona" that mom will accept and go with that. Perhaps if you have photos from the past, she can show them to mom and ask about Billie Jo. I suspect mom will know the little one, not the adult one. The same may be true for you siblings. It all depends on "when" your mother is living and your ages.
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If you are in Texas, I will consider to come for a visit. I will have to isolate for two weeks before I do, and I take no remuneration. I sing country music, or can learn her favorite folk song. To help enhance her mood and put her at ease. A new person in the house, if they are stuffy, she's going to notice that. You can't overplay it, you can't underplay. And honestly, we all are that way.

There are many subtle things we do that we aren't totally aware of, that work to assure a parent in this situation. In some places smoking grass is legal, and a caregiver at home may think it's okay to do so. But know that when your mood changes from it, while you may like the feeling, you are not going to respond the same way. Try as you might, you will think you are acting like you always do, but she's going to notice you are not yourself, that something is different. And when she gets concerned or you get concerned that she may be getting out of that flowing relationship you were in all morning and afternoon, but now it's evening and she's giving you a look like, That's not how RichCapableSon acts, or Billy Jo acts. If you need cannabis for a medical condition, try to do it right before you sleep, so it won't involve your caregiving and buddying up with your mom. Our moods affect our thinking and that affects our actions. Look to see if she acts up a little or a lot, whenever you use a prescription drug, whenever you drink a beer or wine, or after you have that second glass or bottle. There are a hundred different components of the brain. She may remember if the doctor popped her back for her, but he was too harsh, or she didn't realize the chiropractor's bed would collapse how they do to assist the adjustment. You may say she does'nt remember more than the moment, but next week at the followup she says, Are you going to hurt me like you did last time? Different parts of the brain WILL remember. I have seen it. I have seen doctors drop their jaw at it and say to the side, How did she remember that? Well, she remembered enough to tell the whole office waiting room on her way out, each person, He hurt me. he's no good. I'm never coming back. My mom was 91 when she did that. 2013. She was supposed to be dead according to her gerontologist by 2009.

I tested her on each of the health food, nootropics, I gave her, one at a time. I only made one adjustment, one new pill on top of her stable diet. That way if there is an improvement, you don't have to guess was it which one of three new pills I gave her at the same time! I told her we were going to make a mix of all these ingredients for others, and put it on the market. You can do that. There's a core you could start with. Nothing to stop you from trying it yourself, too. It's her mind that has a problem, not the rest of her body, basically. If she liked health food supplements, no need to stop because her mind needs help. These are all GRAS healthfoods. Generally Recognized As Safe. But learn about them first. You should love what you find out. Galantamine is used with Aricept. Thats how good it is. Vinpocetine can lower blood pressure. Tylenol and all NSAIDs raise blood pressure. Don't stuff her with vitamins. You can give the blend twice a day rather than all at once. If she often refuses her Namenda capsules, you can pour them on that blend. She will never know and you will have no struggle to convince her hours at a time. And don't forget to give her 1/2 a Tylenol every twelve hours. No more than 335 milligrams a day. That worked miralces for my mom. She quit repeatedly yelling at me to bring her a glass of water. They can get thirsty even when they are drinking a lot of water. It could happen when they lay on their back. If they will turn on their side, right or left, their juices will shift and begin to flow and the dryness in their mouth will leave. But if they ask for water, always give it to them. You can ask, Mom, is your mouth dry, baby? Note if she says yes or no.
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RichCapableSon Aug 2021
When you get her water and bring it to her, ask her to shift to lay sideways, so she can hold the drink, for instance, and when she does move to lay on her side, ask her if she still feels thirsty in her mouth or throat. Don't make her think you won't give her the water. You want it to be separate from that. Ask her before you get the water if she has a dry mouth or a dry throat, and explain "We don't want you to get that thirsty. Dr. So and so says if we wait till we feel thirsty, we waited too long to have a drink of water." Then tell her you are getting the water, describe it as you pour it what you are doing so she's at ease. Hey, when you are really dry in the throat, you can use the comfort and consolation that your daughter or caregiver has just made that her #1 priority.

You can make her life normal again. Talking about the past is normal. It also puts you in their longterm memory when you talk about their past with them. I gave a ton of things to help. If you have any questions after you have digested all of these posts from me, jot them down and then PM me. Or ask me openly if you think you want others here to know, see, hear, learn too. But I suggest to keep some things private, and other things you can share publicly. Ciao. See you later. keep the faith. You can get over this hump and even whittle it down. There are many puzzles you have solved in caregiving; there will be many more. Believe in yourself and believe in her. And let your faith come alive, too. Most of all.
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Here's another thing Billy Jo and also you siblings can do. Billy Jo can pull out the bank checkbook register and go over it with mama. She can discuss it matter of factly at times, "I want to see how many times we ate at (her favorite places) and how she likes this or that plate, or a memorable person. We had Daniel, a real big guy, who always come to say hi while on the job. If she can write, if possible, let her write down the register items that she can even if you have to help her. This is part of sharing with your mom her last days, which are all a treasure. Ask her to talk about grandma and grandpa, how much you miss them. Pull out the photo albums. Indeed, put pictures of them in the rooms, and her sisters and brothers. You can tell her you talked to Uncle Eddie, that's "your brother Edwin" if she looks confused why you said Eddie. Watch what she calls her siblings and use those terms. If they lived on a farm, talk about it. Get to know the history what the did, and then you can use that to share with the rest of the family because that is genealogical work that ties families and extended families together.

Record your mom when she is having a blast, whether singing, reminiscing, chatting with you. Play it back for her what a wonderful time we all had, or "you and I had" or "mama, that was so much fun". Give up using the pronoun you and always use mama, mommie, mom to reinforce who she is to you. Mom I love this song you sing, turn it on, and don't wait for her to say or think, I'm not your mom. Tape your brother and sister when they come over and point out reminders, like "Mama, we were planning your birthday party. Want to listen? We surprised you at the restaurant, today with some over. Leave the birthday party items up with her name on there. If you have a room, put your name on the door and her name on her door. Mama's kitchen. Billy Jo's bedroom. Billy Jo's Study. Use your mom's first name or favorite name. If her family used a nickname for her, use that every day because when you talk about things from her past, which she will likely remember a ton of, it's comforting to her and if she thinks you are her sister or brother, if you have to, be the sister. If you follow my guidance about Tylenol as a brain anti-inflammatory assuming her liver is in good condition like my mom's was, she shouldn't worsen and she should improve.

I can give you a list of very good herbal supplements for the brain that will help her. You can mix them in some applesauce. I would do that every day, fix her a small bowl with one each pills of galantamine, vinpocetine, NMN, PQQ, Lecithin GNC pill is fine, Phosaphtidyl Serine, 5-HTP, put some lecithin granules in the applesauce maybe a teaspoon or so, vitamin D 10,000 units, vitamin E, for CBD cannabidiol I used two things, either CBD acetate powder from a reputable source or Charlotte's Web hemp flower with CBD in it no THC or very low THC. The 0.3% THC hemp will have at least 1 molecule of THC, which Dr. Mechoulam says worked wonders with children with epilepsy, using one molecule of it, which is the smallest amount of THC to take. Anything less is not THC. I hope you understand.

Inflammation is the biggest problem in every disease and condition. If you can stop or significantly dampen inflammation of the brain, her brain will heal itself. We don't usually think of the brain healing itself. Consider a person bumps their head and gets a slight concussion; well, that's a brusing of the brain. The brain will heal that just like it does if you bump your arm and bruise it. Make notes of your mom's behavior on a calendar. When she begins to say something she hasn't said in a long time, or suprises you with something good in her actions, note it with a star. Tell her when she's done well. You got a star mom, that's the first time in 5 years you did that, said that, talked about that. Acknowledge it to her. Enhance her life 'in the moment'. With repetition it will go into long term mem.
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Yep- dad did that to me for awhile- but I ignored it and he just stop one day- I was super upset at first but I knew not to react that much- I would tell him- I’m the good Debi
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Please make sure it is not a reaction to her medications, or something like a U.A. as they can cause trouble like this sometimes.

God bless and know you are not alone. When it gets to much, trust in the Lord, for He is always with you. Be very specific in your prayer requests. He will answer that request and give you so much more. Believe!
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Juse agree with her, your sister knows who her parents are. Please join NAMI support group, this will not be the last thing to upset any of you. Dementia is no fun and they don't understand just agree with her and love her as she is.
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It sounds like your mom has some form of dementia, and it is in a moderate stage. This is a common issue. When someone has Alzheimer's (the most common form of demenita), they first lose what they learned later in life. This is why a person with Alzheimer's will remember their wedding day but not the name of a grandchild. It is also why many women with Alzheimer's at this stage will carry around a baby thinking it's their child.

One thing you can try is to show your mom a picture of your sister when she was about 10 years younger and see if she knows who she is. If not, go back another 10 years, and if she then recognizes her, keep going back until she recognizes her. This will let you know how far her dementia has progressed and where she is. It will also help you better understand what she is going through.

This is harder on the family at this stage than it is for the person with dementia. Remember this; you did not cause your mom to have this horrible disease. You and your sister are not at fault! The best way to help your mom is to become a powerful advocate for her.

Cheryl J. Wilson, M.S.
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JennyMat: Imho, towards the end of my late sister in law's life (who had Alzheimer's), she also verbalized similar things - calling two of her sisters, 'her cousins' and even going as far as asking her husband, ' have you met my cousins, (referring to them by name)?' You may not be able to correct nor convince your mother that Billie Jo is in fact her daughter since her brain is broken.
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You can't get past it, you can't convince her. You have to agree with her-- "join her journey". Her brain is altered and you cannot un-alter it. Be prepared, it may get worse or keep changing. Be prepared for more changes.

You can tell her that this is 'the other Billie Jo', or you can come up with another name. You can't make sense with someone whose brain is deteriorating.

When she calls to discuss it, agree with her. Just say, "I know!", and then, "how is the other Billie Jo?"

It's all very strange and it doesn't make sense to YOU because she is confused. Maybe pretend she is now an alien from outer space and you are learning her language.
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Seems like everyone's situation is different. Some dementia folks are nice and others with paranoia are not.

My father is so confused but you would think it is the absolute God's truth that I am the most awful person in the world. He is so convinced what he says about me it is scary.

It is amazing to think of what happens to a person with dementia. There really are no good days.

Medicine has kept our hearts going only failing to know how to keep our minds working.
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You cant correct, convince, teach, or explain anything to an Alzheimer's patient. My mother with Alzheimer's goes back and forth with this type of thing. Sometimes I'm her daughter Kristy, sometimes I'm the "other" Kristy and sometimes I'm that nice girl. One night I was standing there and she looked in my room and said, "Do you think Kristy is in there?" I said, "I don't know, let's go look." I have also started calling her Mary, instead of Mom. This helps ME keep perspective. I realize it is shocking and sad at the beginning, but try to get used to it and learn to play along with her. Billie Joe could just say, "I'm someone who loves you." This is a very hard situation and you have my deepest sympathy. This forum has been my lifeline through all of this. God bless.
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SusanHeart Aug 2021
Thank you Burnout for the post, you provided me another solution for me and my dad. My dad has good days and bad days all driven bu the use of the cpap machine. On good days he knows me, remember my name and know who I am, on bad days I am a stranger that works at his AL or something similar.

tou have provided me options on how to handle bad days. Thank you
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yes go and find out what is going on. if she remembers all of you and not billie jo it may be her way of communicating to that she needs help. that help may only be that she doesn't understand the reversal of roles with her daughter and she wants her little girl back.
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Sheri6185 Aug 2021
My Mom's having a rough time picking out the correct words to say . Do you think speech Therapy wpold help my Mom ?
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A good friend of mine took care of his father and then his mother and gave me great advice I've never forgotten. When they don't recognize you anymore, you jump into their world with them and then go into your room and cry. My mom asked me to prove I was her daughter. With dementia, patients go to a place in their lives when they were happy and felt secure. Sounds like she sees her daughter as when she was 8 or so. I gently reminded her that I have 2 grown children, that I long to be 8 again so she could hug me and make everything better and how great she still is about that. Most of the time, these lapses are forgotten about within minutes unless she is very far along in her illness. Treat her like mommy. It helps that she feels useful and knows you need her. Feeling useless or unneeded is devastating to anyone at any age.
Hope that helps. (My dad often thinks I'm my mother or asks me when mom is coming home. I NEVER tell him she died, just that she went to the store and with traffic and the few errands she had to run, she could be a while. He feels better and forgets all about it within minutes, just knowing she'll be back calms him immediately.
Jump into their world. Best advice I have. (Thanks, David!)
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Consider this a minor stroke that your mom can't access the information that Billie Jo is her daughter. When you tell her "the truth", it isn't "sticking" either.

It might be better to just call your sister "Billie Jo like your daughter" and leave it at that. The less everybody makes a big deal of it and moves on to other subjects, the sooner your mom will stop obsessing.

If your sister notices your mom obsessing or getting upset about other things or later in the day, talk to mom's doctor. When life becomes increasingly difficult to understand, it is natural to get anxious or to act out. A mild anti-anxiety medication can help your mom to relax.
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This is sadly not unusual and very painful to Billie Jo.
It is a part of what can happen with dementia.
Leave it alone. Do not 'fight' or 'argue' with your mom.
It is the changing brain chemistry / losing brain cells 'talking' and 'seeing' -
No, you'll never get 'her past it' - you have to learn what dementia means and how the brain functions. Go to TEEPA SNOW and watch some webinars.
While it is difficult, support your sister to not take it personally.
The brain doesn't know any better or who is who.
Understanding dementia will help the painful reality of your mom not recognizing your sister. My heart goes out to you, your sister, and your mom.
Gena / Touch Matters
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My Dad did not know who I was sometimes. I asked him if he felt safe with me, even when he didn't know who I was. He said he did. When he'd get frustrated that he wasn't thinking right, I'd calmly tell him that's normal when you get old and that's why I was there to help him. That worked.

Dont try to convince the person otherwise, just support that this Billy Jo seems to be doing a good job helping.
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Sheri6185 Aug 2021
My Mom just said “Where’s Sheri”? I said “ I’m Sheri”. Then she said , “No the smaller Sheri”. I just had to jump into her world for a bit
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More than likely mom's brain is stuck in a period of time many years ago. Her brain may be remembering what Billie Jo looked like as a kid, teen, or younger adult. Tell Billie Jo to ask mom if she remember ever meeting her or who she looks like.

Even better use another phone from another room and call mom. It's possible she will recognize the voice, but not the face. If the phone call works, then she can tell mom on the phone that the person in her house is also named Billie and is helping 'me' take care of you. (I say this because evidently mom is still calling siblings because the voice belongs to those she remembers. If you showed up, she may have problems associating your faces to the faces she remembers in her brain).

Billie Jo may just have to go along with whoever mom thinks she is on any given day. This is much harder for BJ because she is there doing the hard work and the logical brain would think mom's memory would hang on to her longer than the rest of you because she's with her all the time. Heartbreaking to see the decline.
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If she won’t let it go, you let it go. Why aggravate her?
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TouchMatters Aug 2021
It is not 'aggravation,' it is lack of knowledge and understanding of what dementia is - and does - to ones brain. The mother 'can't' let it go. Can you imagine how painful this is to a family member? a daughter - not recognized by her mother. It is heart wrenching. Compassion goes a long way.
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This "impostor Syndrome actually has a name Capgras Syndrome. It is very painful to the child or spouse who is not known, but once you understand this disorder, you can find ways to deal with it.
Here is one website: Capgras Syndrome in Lewy Body Dementia https://www.verywellhealth.com/capgras-syndrome-in-lewy-body-dementia-98556
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She'll let it go. Probably by the time you've read these - she'll be on to the next thing. There's really no point in arguing about it or convincing her otherwise. You cannot convince someone with Alz/Dementia of anything other than frustration for everyone. Just keep on moving forward and don't allow it to be a topic of conversation.
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Flowerhouse1952 Aug 2021
All you can do is let her believe what she chooses to believe. You'll never convince her otherwise. Next, it could be you or she'll come up with another master all together. I hope Billie Jo doesn't take this seriously and get her feelings hurt.
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My Mother had LBD, and she always remembered who I was, and my brother too. She would call my niece by my name and didn't seem to know who she was. I guess it effects everyone differently. I am so grateful that she never forgot me. It must be hard when your mother doesn't know you anymore.
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Some persons with dementia have a different reality. You should accept their reality rather than try to correct them. Figure out the best approach for you and your sister to live with mom's new reality. Be aware that her reality may change at any time - perhaps for the better, or possibly take a turn for the worse.
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That was one of the hardest things with my dad. Somehow by God’s grace up until the end he seemed to know who I was as his main caregiver, but others such as my son who would come frequently to help he thought was my “new husband” (my husband had passed away by this time) and he insisted my “new husband” didn’t like him or want him there. I don’t know how many times I told him “that’s your grandson!” and that I’d never marry anyone young enough to be my son anyway lol! I saw a suggestion before that you could tell her that’s her daughter’s best friend and very trustworthy. I think that’s your best bet. It goes against all we've been taught to tell our parents fibs and it’s hard to do but with dementia sometimes you just don’t have any other choice. Perhaps with time she’ll trust this “other person” if you go along with the delusion.
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maybe tell her that Billie Jo had to take a trip to handle some business and that she left her very best friend who is very helpful to stay until Billie Jo gets back. tell her that she (your mother) can trust this woman very much. it is normal for ones with dementia, other mental issues to forget. wishing you luck......but don't try to argue with her and insist because it will be upsetting............
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Wow! That is so similar to my situation for the last 3 years. My wife says a lot of the same things to me. She calls me "the other Jay " and is constantly asking people where I am and who is the imposter living with her. The best thing I can tell you is don't argue with her. I know it's hard but tell your sister she has to sometimes act as the imposter. It makes life much easier. My wife has had parkinson's disease for 19 years and she developed this dementia as part of the disease. Her neurologist said it was called Capgras syndrome and occurs in about half of Parkinson's patients. It's also very similar to Lewy Body Dementia. If you want more information, look up those 2 things. It's very helpful.
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Meauxg12 Aug 2021
Jay I just wanted to say God Bless you for being such a wonderful and dedicated husband. You are the best example of true love and commitment to marriage. I’ll be praying for you and your wife.
Maureen
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You're always best off by going "with" her rather than trying to change her mind. Accept her belief and gauge your conversations to fit her reality. Suggest to your siblings, especially your sister, Billie Jo, that when she talks about "the other girl" rather than trying to convince her otherwise, ask her what she enjoys doing with this other girl - or something similar. You always want to reinforce the positive.
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Sheri6185 Aug 2021
I never force her to go anywhere, and in doing that it takes the pressure off.
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Hzve the Dr take a urine sample to Make sure your mom doesn't have a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI).

Also let your mom's Dr know and see if it could be one of her med's that's is doing this.

if neither of the two things above then Go With The Flow.
My 97 yr old Dad with Dementia has gone thru this and their is absolutely nothing you can do or say to change their mind.

If they think it then it is True To Them.

The Best thing to do is go with it.

Do or say whatever will make the loved one feel better.

Make it up, you don't need to give them more anxiety. Just say the real daughter had to go somewhere and this one is taking her place.

Have the daughter say ok, I'll go get the real one then step out of the room and return as the real one and say you sent the other one home.

Do and say whatever works.

Do or say what ever brings your mom Peace.

The Brain in your mom's head is not working properly and Yes, it can be awful, just think how mom must feel and only you can keep her feeling loved, safe and happy.

Prayers
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jeannegibbs Aug 2021
Very good advice to check possible physical causes first. UTIs or any infection can make dementia seem much worse, and when the cause is treated and goes away, the behavior goes back to baseline.

The Capgras syndrome is fairly common in dementia, so the identify confusion may not have a curable physical cause, but it is always good to start with simple checks for other ailments.
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If I were Billie Jo I'd tell your mother I was a niece or grand-niece of a particular sibling of your mother. That way I'd be "related" to your mother, which might help your mother to be relaxed about our relationship, yet "distant" enough it would be reasonable your mother would not know me that well.

Your mother can't help that she can't recall Billie Jo. I cared for my mom the last 13 months of her life and I don't think she really knew I was her daughter. It didn't bother me one bit; it was just another piece of the disease. I just focused on (and greatly appreciated) that Mom was still her sweet self, that we got along wonderfully, and I just did the best I could to make her happy and keep her safe.

I do like Chickie1's recommendation.

For great advice on how best to care for a person with dementia, see Teepa Snow, expert on dementia/Alzheimers extraordinaire, for her insightful and easy-to-understand videos on YouTube or the this website: https://teepasnow.com/
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