My mom has dementia, she doesn’t want to admit it. My husband and I are moving closer and our teen son is angry, calling us selfish. Am I?

NightHeron,

This is in response to your comment to me.

Yes, I believe everything that I've said was totally necessary. I did not say any if it with malicious intent or to try and be harsh to the poster.
Her teenage son did not create the tough situation the poster finds herself in. He is not the reason why his grandparents became elderly and needy. Nor is he responsible in any way for the toxic marriage his parents have created and choose to live in.
All this being said, I'll call a spade a spade and say it is selfish and unfair as all hell to make this kid pay the price for his parents' life choices. He should not have his whole life disrupted because his mother wants to be closer to her parents. It sounds to me like what mom really wants is a divorce from dad and will need a place to live. This is where the 'caregiving' for the elderly grandparents comes in.
Best to leave the kid with his father and not ruin his life in order to change her own. The kids come first, not the grandparents. That is the natural order of things.

Your heart must be torn and it sounds like you’re in pain over your mother’s demise.

Your post offers information that needs tweezing apart to understand what’s really going on.

You say “our aging parents” which implies your parents and your in-laws. Are you and DH moving to help with more than mom? You mention your siblings care for your mom, but does your husband need to care for his parents?

If your siblings are taking care of your parents, do they need your physical presence to help mom? Or do feel left out? Are you lonely or unhappy and want all the mom time you can get?

If the siblings need help (or even if they don’t), can you go for a week at a time? Or contact the caregiver respite services that take in elderly to give caregiver breaks?

A move is a huge lifestyle change - jobs, friends, community, doctors, schools - so what’s really going on? You need your family support? You and husband want a fresh start?

Why is your son generally angry and shouldn’t that be your priority? Or do you see yourself enlisting the siblings to help “fix” him? Does he have the resiliency to make this move? Ideally yes and learning to deal with adversity builds resilience. But if he can’t, can you manage his anger and resentment and your guilt or anger at his attitude - plus your emotions with mom’s demise?

My gut sense is that more that you’re trying to fix something in your life other than the parents needing you and DH to be caregivers because there’s nothing in your post suggesting things are out of control.

Maybe if you figure out the real reason to want to move, you can see if it makes sense or if the upheaval to your son’s life is unreasonable. Then you can answer the question you posted.

On last thought: There’s an old adage “watch what you wish for” because caregiving is a longterm emotionally draining commitment.

DO NOT MOVE! - Your child comes first! Your mom already has people nearby and you can visit her whenever you want.

I have a big problem with your last remark: "He's such an angry guy anyway" - Maybe you should focus on the cause of his anger and find a way to give him more emotional support.

Honestly, it sounds to me like you're wanting the easy way out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa on the immediate move, please and a big exhilation. It is so wonderful that you care about your sibling and want to care for your Mom but please consider - Caregiving is a 26/8 job with a family to take care of you will probably burn out very quickly and then who will care for any of your children? You have indicated that you already have some issues with your marriage and if you are going into counseling, it sounds like you would like to save the union at this point.... will the problems be exacerbated with the move? How is your husband feeling about the move, about being married to a caregiver, about possibly becoming a caregiver himself? Your mother's dementia is going to worsen and this road could be long given her current age.

A move is difficult for all children although younger ones frequently bounce back a little more quickly than teenagers. I'm glad your son is in therapy but his issues are only subject to increase with this move. For some reason, he apparently is not particularly close to his grandmother already and this move will probably not teach him anything positive about caring for a family member. He is going to focus his anger on you and his grandmother. Not what you want.

Perhaps a family council with your brother and wife to research other ways you can help from a distance. - hiring in house caregivers and even better, since her condition is going to worsen.... placement in an assisted living with a MC unit so that she can move to that unit when it becomes necessary. If funds are an issue, you will need to find a facility that accepts Medicaid when the time arrives. Maybe you could volunteer to do the initial research after the finances and location to be considered are worked out.

Then another family meeting with your family including your kids to tell them that you will not be moving at this time but you will be participating in Grandmom's care from a distance. This will let your son graduate with his current friends (I do hope he has some plans lined up for his future after high school graduation because if he continues to be angry and just lives with you for the rest of his young adult life..........well that is not going to do anyone any good and that includes yourself and your younger children), allow you and your husband time to work on your issues and allow the younger children to develop to the point where they may be better able to learn the lesson of "family caring".

I wish you strength and peace on your journey whatever decision you make. This is a great forum so please keep us updated.

It might be good to have

Depends on how bad the dementia is and if you could put the move off until son Graduates.

It's kind of you to think of your mother, brother and sister, but it's a big deal for a teen to relocate in the middle of high school and to have to make new friends, get adjusted to the new school and location, etc. Since your mother has your brother and sister caring for her, perhaps you can postpone moving until your son graduates. Spend a week or two with your mother from time to time, to give your brother and sister breaks. Dementia can go on for a long time. Some people, like your mother, don't realize that they have dementia. You, your brother and sister should have a talk, preferably with your mother, about what she wants to do if she becomes incapacitated. Would she want in-home care, or to be in a senior facility? What can she afford? Be realistic about what you'll be able to do. Advanced dementia can require nursing home type care, where the person needs to be fed and helped with everything, may no longer be able to walk or even transfer by themselves from bed to wheel chair, and may be bedridden at the end. Also make sure that your mother's paperwork is all in order while she is able to sign legal papers. You don't say how serious her dementia is. She'll need to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial decisions, I'm assuming her POA will be your brother or sister, as they are currently living closer to her. She needs a living will, with her medical directives, a will if she has assets. Most financial insitutions (banks, credit card companies, etc.) have their own POA forms. The POA also needs to be on file with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak on your mother's behalf. Your mother may need an attorney to help with these forms.

How about we reframe the question in two ways first? First, let's remove the accusatory "selfish" part. That way you can listen to comments without feeling that everyone who writes about the reasons not to move is attacking you. The real question is "I have children and an aging parent, how do I fulfill my obligations to both?" Second, ask the move or not move question as a question instead of seeking affirmation for moving. Because I think you are in an imperfect situation now and believe that you have found a personally and socially acceptable escape hatch. OMG, sister, I feel you, but you are hopping out of the frying pan and into a blazing fire. The very first thing you need to do is to let go of the desperate hope that moving will fix what ails you and your family and give you purpose as your mom's caregiver - or at least provide an avenue of escape. If you move with that belief, reality will destroy you. I say this with a deep understanding of the thought process and a lot of compassion. But you are on the edge of a mental health cliff, and I so want you to step back. Talk to a therapist.

It would not be a move to more support. Your brother and sister have already established lives there, most likely have children, are caring for your mom, and will not be taking on your troubled family as a project. No doubt they love you, but it's wishful thinking to believe that your family will get the level of attention you would need from people who are already raising families, working, and doing eldercare. Your move would likely create more work for them than help. Give up the halcyon dream of snuggling into sibling support if you move. Even the most extraordinary families couldn't live up to it.

And you know what? You would still be you if you moved. Still with mental health issues, an angry teen, younger children, and a shaky marriage. That's if the whole marriage doesn't implode because you want to move - the best move scenario is that you move all your current problems to a new city and add a whole new group of stresses to the situation.

Sit down with your therapist and don't talk about moving, talk about your family. Figure out what works best for the people you have primary responsibility for - your children. Get a handle on your mental health - meds, therapy, whatever. Do you have a job? Some financial independence can go a long way for mental health. Get all your kids into counseling if at all possible. Your husband as well. If he is violent, get with the local domestic violence people and figure out how to end the marriage. Solve the life you have instead of trying to move away from it.

Talk to your sister and brother (and mom) often about the day-to-day stuff that's happening there. Pay a lot of attention to her by phone and by mail. There are quite a few things you can help with from a distance, like paying your mom's bills electronically, keeping track of her insurance claims, handling your mom's grocery orders, etc. If she eventually accepts more in-home help, offer one-week respite visits to your siblings. You have no idea how much that helps. One thing I've learned after looking after three elders: you have no idea, really NO idea, how this situation will develop. She may need in-home help for years, or she may need to go into a memory care facility within a few months. Or she could pass away from something unrelated and unexpected, or be incapacitated by it, and end up needing to be in a nursing home.

You sound desperate and unhappy and I hope you don't take this as criticism. I only wish you well.

My parents moved and put me into another school. It affected me badly and I never settled in and from being top of the class I went downhill fast. The only thing I can say is that your mother is important but your child should come first. Your mum has had most of her life but your sons has hardly started. There should be alternatives. My mum lives with me, but it's not easy. Is that an option or could you arrange care for her in her own home? I feel for you but also feel for your son and how it will affect him.

We moved when my daughter was entering her sophomore year — in the middle of the pandemic — for my husband's job. I found that there was a lot we could do to help her adjust to the move, including letting her be involved in the house search, and share her wants for her room; finding out as much as possible about the school she would be attending in advance so she could plan ahead, what clubs would she like to join, etc., and just generally respecting the fact that it was a big upheaval at a major time of life and we wanted to do whatever we could to make the transition easier. Now it's 18 months later and she's happy, doing well in school, has a bunch of friends, and won't be home til ten tonight because she's running the spotlight for the school play. As someone who also cares for my Dad, I have to make my daughter a priority too — honestly more of a priority, because she is the future and is still growing and learning. She's learning that taking care of people like my Dad is important, but also that she is important too (and she's the first one to point out when my Dad is disrespecting my time, which I find funny. And we've had lots of conversations about what I would expect in my older years, and what I wouldn't)

Wow! You have a lot going on and none of it seems to be good. Between yourself, your kids, your husband, and your parents, you ALWAYS come first. Putting yourself first takes into account your responsibility to raise your kids, your concern for your parents, and your need to be healthy in mind and body. Of what benefit is it to any of them if you cannot have peace of mind, if you are so stressed out that you have trouble making decisions or have difficulty getting thru each day? Is this being selfish? Maybe it is. But your needs come first before you can help anyone else.

Yes, you are concerned about your parents, you have 4 children to raise, your husband is abusive, and the family is in therapy (except your husband). That's a lot! Here are some things to consider if you move: will your son still be angry?- yes; will you and he still need counseling?-yes; will your stress increase because your adding your mom's care to your responsibilities?- probably; will it be easy to adapt to a new location, new schools, new counselors?- probably not; might you have some regret for relocating once your mom dies, or even before?- possibly; will trying to conduct a long distance divorce ease your worries?- I doubt it.

I'm sure there is more to consider, but whatever you decide, the goal is to improve your mental and physical health.

My heart hurts for your difficult situation. Please put your children’s needs first. Your son needs to know he can trust you to support and value him. You are dealing with decisions that have lifelong ramifications on many lives.
If you move, you are not guaranteed support. Things change and people change, especially those with mental challenges. Take care of yourself first before making any life changing decisions that will affect so many lives. You owe that to yourself and your children who depend on you.
I pray you find your peace and resolve.

My parents and I moved when I entered 5th grade due to job changes for my dad. I hated it, but sometimes in life, we have to do what we're not comfortable with. I don't think you're being selfish at all, you're being a caring adult child, and your son needs to realize that. When he's older and needs some attention, I'm sure he'd appreciate family help.

My parents moved just before I started at junior high, and I hated it. It is easy on some kids, but it can be so incredibly hard for others. He may feel like you were choosing his grandmother over him. I agree with the other posters that you should see if there is a possibility of bringing grandmother closer to you for the time being, or just letting your sister and brother know that you are there to help in any way but you don't want to uproot your son in these very important last years of school.

I really like Sunnydayze’s answer. Find a way to help care for your parents without uprooting your son at this time. The decisions you make that impact your son will last a long time. You sound like a loving family - be creative! And you don’t know what the future holds for your parents. My mother declined quite rapidly and needed LTC placement in less than a year. She is barely oriented to herself. I moved her closer to me for my benefit. There is a lot you can manage from afar as well. Staying on top of finances, keeping in touch with staff and caregivers, and planning for what comes next, is a big job. And don’t discount the huge impact that moving will have on you and your significant other as well. Your own friends, support systems and community are things you WILL need moving forward as you try and navigate care for aging parents. I think that your son is seeing the bigger picture.

Uprooted teenagers have relationships too. To dismiss that is somewhat selfish. Your family will carry on past that of you and your parents. I believe moving them closer to you is a better option.

Is there any chance you can move mom closer to you?

I’m not in your situation but I would tend to lean towards your son’s needs first.

if there is a way to balance between the two it would be great!

My mother is failing also, and lives 1800 miles away. But my first responsibility is to my bride who lives with Alzheimer’s (67 yo).

praying for a good answer for you!

You mentioned parents, not just your mother. So there are other concerns here? Also, that your son is already an angry person. I agree with everyone to look at it from all angles. 15 is a very hard age for boys, and the kids have had a very hard time in the last two years with their social life among many things. Secondly, this forum should make it clear that moving to take care of aging parents is very difficult under the best of circumstances. You may end up dealing with angry and ungrateful parent(s), an angry and acting out adolescent. and a marriage under stress. You and your husband may be frustrated and depressed with the changes in your life. If possible, postpone the decision until he is out of high school. Get help with your mother either there or where you live. If not possible, take him to visit the place and move slowly with the plan with his involvement, even if it is negative. Take your breath, how are things now with your son, your jobs, your own social connections, your marriage? Often an inheritance is an unstated concern, if that is the case discuss it out loud. Your move will probably be very expensive emotionally. You might consider family therapy, not because you are a crazy family, but because a therapist will help you discuss this in a quiet, structured situation. And she may help you get a good picture about how all of you are functioning, and how prepared you are for a difficult upheaval. I agree it is a difficult time for a kid his age, and there are lots of destructive ways these difficulties can develop. But that can happen anywhere. Definitely spend some time with these parent(s) you feel you need to help. Enough time to get an accurate feeling for what you are going to have to do, or what needs to be done, perhaps.. Good luck, it is a tough situation.

No, you're not being selfish. And I'm stunned by the posters who suggest you are. Someone needs to grow up. Your son. My kids are 26/28. They learned much more from adversity than they did me trying to fix everything for them. (Though it sure didn't feel like it at the time.)

I agree, move your Mom closer. That would solve the problem with your son and save you having to relocate. But how would your Mother feel
about it? I think I would try to talk her into it.

Move your parents closer to you. On your mom, has she been diagnosed with dementia or is that a general description for memory issues? If dementia has been diagnosed, usually denial or unawareness is what to expect. Dementia is a diagnosis of a specialist and a thorough examination. Family doctors may diagnose memory impairment but they are not qualified to make that diagnosis. My sister is in assisted living and after diagnosis, the medications have really helped her mental state but not her memory. But for your son's sake and your future relationship, I would strongly suggest thinking of relocating your parents. I have several friends who have moved to be closer to grown children and their grandchildren. Seems like the best idea to let your son enjoy his lifelong friends and have your parents closer.

My son got moved the end of freshman year . I got moved to California my sophomore year but went back home my 11 th grade year . In all honesty it’s the college years that count . If my Mom or Dad were sick I would go and help them out . You do have other siblings . Your other option is to fly out for a week every month and let your son stay where he is happy . That way everyone wins . That’s what I would do .

I think you’re doing the right thing moving closer to aging parents.
you seem like a very caring compassionate daughter and your parents lucky .
your son will adjust and make friends… and your teaching him honour parents. We need more parents like you . Too many are afraid of their kids and want be best friends.. all that sheltering not doing them favour . .
If a teenager can’t move to new school and make friends there’s not much hope .
go ahead and do right thing and hopefully your son will learn adjust and become happier guy.

Playing Devil's Advocate - why do you live 8 hours from your parents now? What led you that far away originally? And WHY NOW do they need you back? (Or better question - DO THEY need you back?) Something in YOUR life led you away originally. Is THAT part of your life still active and necessary and you are willing to get rid of that part of your life entirely - change your entire life (and that of your entire family's life) to go back and assist with taking care of your parents'?

To give you some perspective - we sold our home in my youngest daughter's senior year of high school. She didn't have to change schools, we didn't leave her home town. We literally just sold our home and moved into another one in the same town. She didn't give up her friends or anything she had come to know - except for one thing- her childhood home. She was involved in the decision making process, she was onboard and all for it. BUT, even that was still a big change. That was the only home she had every known and I don't think she was really fully prepared for how she would feel or the adjustments that came along with it.

Now let's change that up - and take her out of her hometown, away from her friends and family that she has known her entire life, away from everything she has built and worked for - yes I can imagine that she would have had a lot to say about it. Especially if she didn't really understand WHY it was happening. And sometimes from their perspective SELFISH is the only way they know how to describe what they are feeling.

From his perspective - even from yours - is this move NECESSARY - or just something you feel you maybe should do? Is it something that you are feeling guilty about or something that is immediately required? You say he will adjust. Let's be honest - I'm not saying don't do it. Most kids are resilient absolutely. But based on being a sophomore in high school and you guys haven't moved yet- I'm guessing he is about 15. If memory serves (I only have daughters) all of my friends and my mom all swear that 15 is a terribly hard age for boys. We are still in COVID times. Depending on when you moved and where, there are still a number of activities that are non-existent or not open for newcomers until they are vetted in a lot of areas. If he is already angry or not open to the move and you are moving him 8 hours away say around Christmas this year he will be walking in the door mid- year which is a hard time to break into school groups. What is your plan with schooling?
He is expressing himself with rudimentary comments - "you don't care about me" "you are selfish" and you are interpreting that as him not valuing or caring about his family. But I think you are missing what he is saying.
Here is what I'm hearing in those words.
Mom, we haven't lived near my grandparents my entire life and now you want to take away everything I've ever known to move us closer to them. (what he HEARS - and I know you don't intend that - is that you are valuing them over him.
So it boils down to this. Has anyone actually asked you to move closer? Is this out of guilt? If you move closer are you creating MORE problems for yourself because you may feel better being closer to them but you may be creating all kinds of issues for HIM in anxiety and depression (I AM NOT SAYING HE GETS TO RULE THE ROOST, only that you should consider how this will impact him - REALLY consider it and why you are doing this NOW vs later and if it is really necessary or you are just doing it out of some sense of guilt.)
Let him calm down and talk to him - REALLY talk to him. Let him express how he feels and why. Let him get a chance to tell you how he feels without interrupting and making him feel guilty about how he feels. He has a right to feel the way he does just like you do. In the end he may surprise you. He is scared. And angry. And he knows in the end he doesn't get a vote.

Move your mom closer to you is the simple answer. High school years are so important to a young teen. Be very cautious in disrupting your son’s developmental years especially when there is another option.

I went to 3 high schools because of my fathers job. While I fared better than my sister who only changed once I never enjoyed the life long friendships or positive HS experience that others like my husband still treasure. My sister never recovered and to this day harbors ill feelings. Move your mom to you. Have her get involved in her son’s activities. And do NOT lay all that guilt on him. You can care for your mom in a lot of ways without uprooting your son.

Is your son doing well in school? Does he have good friends? Is he involved in church activities? Or clubs at school? Or athletics or other special associations?
I have a grandson his age.
Please listen to him. Let him finish his course where he is.
Make arrangements to give the person caring for your mom a week off every couple of months. Help financially by paying for outside care. Your son will see your care this way not only for him but for his grandma as well. Have him be part of the plan. He may have a great idea. Ask him what he thinks would be a way to help both him and your parents. For a couple of years have a plan that supports both.

I understand your dilemma. In hindsight, there were times I put my parents before my children. I truly regret it now. I would definitely do things differently now. I’ve learned that with aging parents, life will unfold. I’ve learned with teenage sons, they need consistency and less stress at home during this time in their lives. I’m wishing you the best. I really hope you can wait to move until he graduates. We lived more that 8 hours away and far from family my sons’ entire lives. There are many other ways to teach and model compassion for family.

I have a wife who ALZ and have made decisions as she went from the beginning of memory loss to placing her in a memory facility. I live fairly close to the memory facility. All my sons are married so my situation is different from yours. But you have to think long range for the impact on your son and mom. If you feel you will be placing her in a memory facility within a short time then I feel you should not move. Its very important to not upset your son. Another choice i to move your move to live with you. I hope this helps.

It would be 3 years until your son graduates from high school. At this point in his life, he sees his friendships as gaining more importance than his family. In many ways this is healthy for him, he will soon be an adult and those friendships are training grounds for all the relationships he will have outside of the family. He needs your support now - since you and your spouse are his only support.

Moving 8 hours away from a parent that needs help really isn't moving close enough to be of much help. I applaud that you want to be more involved in caring for your senior parents. Since they have some support right now, find other ways to help - just for 3 years - until your son goes to college, job or the military.

In reading more of your backstory, I'm so sorry for your very stressful circumstances. I am in the camp that if a divorce is imminent, stay put and try to keep your kids' lives as "normal" as possible. My husband's parents divorced when he was in high school. The emotional repercussions lasted into his mid 30's.

You and your immediate family (husband and kids) are the priority. You will need to come to peace with the fact that you only (for now) help your mom and your siblings in ways that keep things stable at home and allow you to work on your marriage/mental health/etc. Moving will blow up everything in your current home life. You don't need that right now. If this happens you will be ground to a pulp and then no one will benefit, most of all, you.

It's easier said than done but you will need to work on having peace in your heart and patience when it comes to helping your mother right now. Many on this forum have been in your shoes. I wish you much clarity and courage.