I've been on this site for awhile and have always gotten great advice. My dad is 84 with Parkinsons in advanced stages. My mom is 81 and may have dementia. Definitely has caregiver burnout and crippling arthritis. My dad was released from a SNF last April and they had 24/7 care. Somehow, because my mom is under a delusion she can do it on her own, they cut down. Now I've gotten them to agree to 7 nights a week and 2 days. It's still not enough but whatever...Today, I'm just baffled because I called them, calmly, to check in. And the first thing my mom said after "hello" was "We just got done with lunch and a bowel movement." WTF? Who says that? She's done this in the past and I've always said, "I don't need that level of detail." Why does she keep telling me about my dad's bowel issues (he's in diapers). Is she trying to embarrass him? Does she want me to give her a trophy? Actually, as I'm typing this, I realize that I'll never know what makes her say such things. I kinda want to call back and yell at her but is there any point in that? It's so degrading to say that about my dad to me in front of him.
Poop is a secret subject.. instead of thinking she is trying to embarrass him... I would instead think that she chooses considers you close enough to discuss such a private and often taboo subject of something that we do quite a bit.
Pooping means our guts are still moving. Nurses and CNAs and the like monitor popping r schedules as a measure of health and a good indicator of a working metabolism.
With my mom on hospice, I get the impression that eating and pooping regularity is a marker of, I think, where her boy is at in the living / dying process. They all ask about poop a lot and like to hear that pooping has occurred.
So if nurses etc are asking your mom, they probably give an "oh good!" At hearing about pooping. This gives the impression that poop announcements are good news. So telling you that dad has pooped could actually just be a weird as heck indicator that he's not doing badly health wise.
And could also just be showing that mom trusts you with the intimacy (not that kind) and privacy and vulnerable state of that kind of info. I mean you might not wanna hear it (,lol,) but yeah.
My mom will call her sister and she will announce "oh my God I have been on the toilet all day cr**ing myself for hours". These are two women who idk the last time they've even been in the same room... And she's on speakerphone knowing I can hear it...
Just laugh about it.. it is kind of a silly random seeming topic to bring up but yeah. The world shrinks down to eating drinking pooping eventually. Like walking back to infancy, butt first 😆
That is what you should read into this.
Perhaps her pride won’t let her say what you’ve been telling her - that she needs more help. What can you do? Hope that somehow, as she accepts the additional caregiving that you’ve arranged, it can be bumped up to full time care.
. To be frank, for your Mom and Dad, yup, it is now down to the meals and the bowel movements. I know that I am a nurse, but I suspect most caregivers and family on this site who are dealing with loved ones in their 80s and 90s and with their illness and debility, understand this, and especially so if the elder has any--I mean ANY--dementia.
It may surprise you to know that as you age, yup, the bowel movements become a concern. I am 80. So I can assure you of this. Think of me when you are in your 80s. Meanwhile, carry on, and try to deal with your Mom, and where she is in her life now, with as much compassion as you can muster.
I do agree with you that the time is rapidly approaching for 24/7 care or placement. This is a dangerous situation for your Mom to ever be left in at this point. I would consult closely with caregivers and ask if, in their opinions, this couple is safe for any amount of time without a caregiver present.
I wish you the very best of luck, and my heart goes out to your parents in the time of travail.
You say she probably has dementia and that you'd even consider yelling at her is appalling.
It's been my observation that as folks get older and their world smaller, they tend to talk about all kinds of "weird" things including bowel movements, as in some cases they don't have much more exciting things to discuss.
So next time your mom gives you the bowel movement update, just acknowledge it and change the subject to what you're wanting to talk about.
And just remember, you yourself will be there some day wanting to tell someone about your bowel movement or your loved ones. And perhaps that they too will think you're weird for talking about it.
I suspect your dad is not embarrassed, but you are. And that all of this getting old and dying stuff is really hard for you though mom is doing the difficult chores and you are just calling in. Yeah. To me you are making a big deal and one day you may look back and see that mom is deserving of that trophy. But peanuttyxx, it is so very hard to see our parents struggle and know they are declining. I am not without compassion for your feelings. Be a little proud of them for standing up for their right to live as they choose. They still have each other and that is more important to them than all the rest. This is their very life you know. And I suspect that given what it is, Parkinson’s and arthritis, they want to be together alone as long as possible. Learn to laugh. Maybe a therapist would help. Celebrate her personality. It is your mom, unfiltered maybe, but she is getting the job done and that is fantastic for all concerned.
Big hugs to you.
Perhaps your mother shouldn’t be doing as much as she is, perhaps she is moving into dementia, but perhaps it’s you who doesn’t really understand. It might help if you spent a day with them, and saw things from your mother’s point of view. Just a different perspective?
As a caregiver, your life is dictated by poop...cleaning up accidents, ensuring no bowel blockages...it's kind of a sh*tty existence.
I don't know why BMs seem to be a hot topic with the elderly. I don't know if it stems from being potty trained, doctors make such a big thing out of being "regular" or they just lose their filter. Maybe Dad doesn't mind as much as u think he does. Really, what does their daily life consist of now. Eating, sleeping, watching TV and BMs.