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My mother is in a skilled nursing facility, wheelchair bound.



I am as of yet waiting to talk to the Discharge Planner to get any sort of an update on her situation, other than the version she is relaying to me (which is unreliable at best).



Well, my mother just called me and said she spoke to my brother's wife, who is "getting her a wheelchair", and then "she is going to have my brother come and pick her up and take her to a motel in Fullerton where she will stay for four days". Not kidding.



I still haven’t gotten a call back from the Discharge Planner, who I have tried to call several times.



I told my mother in no uncertain terms she cannot come back to my house wheelchair bound as she is unsafe. I said it as kindly and compassionately as possible. She unloaded on me with a litany of hostility, and then hung up.



I’ve tried to call my brother, no response. I don’t know what else to do, but wait to talk to the Discharge Planner.



There is no way she can discharge herself, can she?

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UPDATE!

First - you all are absolutely lovely. I am so grateful for each and every one of you, and I am confident I would never have walked into yesterday's meeting feeling as strong and as wise as I did if not for all of you.

I apologize for the delay in updating; when I got home last night, I felt so immensely drained that I literally collapsed onto the couch and didn't get up again until my husband encouraged me to go to bed.

BUT ... the news is good. The family care meeting, which definitely had an awkward start, went much, much better than I had expected.

In the meeting were - my mother, myself, my brother, the case worker, the physical therapist, the nutritionist, and the head of nursing.

My mother was clearly agitated by the environment, and complained that she had no idea this meeting was taking place. She was reminded by several of the folks that she had been told numerous times about this meeting.

It was then brought up that her goal was to "get back home". I said very loud and clear that "home" means at my house, and that is not an option, no matter what progress she incurs with her therapy. I said it as compassionately but clearly as I could. My mother, looking a bit enraged, looked at me and said "well, then - what are YOU doing here, then?" I looked at everyone, and with immense calm replied, "I am here to support the process of identifying a living arrangement for you that is best for you, and that will keep you safe and healthy."

That shut her up for a bit.

The tone of the meeting improved from there. By the end of the meeting, she still seemed a bit grumpy, but was visibly bought into the idea that assisted living with some intervention to monitor her medications would be an ideal arrangement. She actually started to seem even a bit excited to examine possible assisted living homes around the community, to find one she might like.

I was so, so, so incredibly grateful to meet everyone there, and to have that issue cleared up for everyone.

My brother was there, but ... mostly remained silent. He is going to take a back seat while I drive this train ... which is okay, as I am certainly best suited to drive it anyway, and if it leads to a positive outcome for all, it will be well worth it.

Next week I plan to visit her at the facility on Monday (I am out of town all weekend), and maybe even take her out of the facility for a few hours for an excursion.

Now, I don't think there won't be more bumps along the way, on this journey overall, but I do think the biggest roadblock has been overcome. I cannot tell you all how immensely grateful I feel.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I will keep you all posted as this journey continues!!!! <3
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AlvaDeer May 2022
EZ...........SO PROUD of you. You did SOOOO well. That's the stuff. STAY CALM, have others there who hear the truth so she can't deny it. That was part of the key here and she was too embarrassed to pull all she could have. Many elders at this point try the "Well, forgive me for living; I know you wish me dead". But with all the other support in the room she was unable to portray herself that way, and unable to manipulate her.
THIS IS ALWAYS the best way. Truth forward. Which is basically "No, you are not returning to my home and my life; I am sorry, but NO."
Now discharge planning and all others know where this stands.
And now you are FREE to be NICE to her in an outing, and not feel she will/can twist you into a pretzel. Just tell her that if she can't remember the meeting you can bring EVERYONE TOGETHER AGAIN to go through it with her.
You are a rockstar. You did a PERFECT job and if it were on film we could play it for others so they would know how to do it. Your bro remaining quiet was perfect. It let one and all know who the engineer is on that train, and still showed his support by being there.
GOOD JOB GOOD JOB, woman. Wonderful job. Enjoy your time away.
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So she goes to a motel.

So she gets angry.

So what?

For YOUR sanity, you need to understand that, until she is declared incompetent, your mom gets to make any boneheaded choice she wants.

Mare sure your brother and SIL understand that THEY are taking responsibility for mom.

I'm sorry if that sounds unkind, but at some point, you need to realize that some folks will truly drive you to your wit's end as you try to help them.

Read Liz Scheier's Never Simple. It's a cautionary tale
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AlvaDeer May 2022
Boy do I agree on Liz Scheier's Never Simple for a Cautionary tale. Available through the library.
I think our OP needs to turn off phone to Mom's calls at this point, and to be certain she doesn't intervene in any way.
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An instant AgingCare classic:

<<It was then brought up that her goal was to "get back home". I said very loud and clear that "home" means at my house, and that is not an option, no matter what progress she incurs with her therapy. I said it as compassionately but clearly as I could. My mother, looking a bit enraged, looked at me and said "well, then - what are YOU doing here, then?" I looked at everyone, and with immense calm replied, "I am here to support the process of identifying a living arrangement for you that is best for you, and that will keep you safe and healthy."

Yay you!!!!!!!
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Another update!

I visited with my mom the other night; she is still about 90% confined to the wheelchair, but, seemed in far, far better spirits. We didn't get into the tough subjects - we had a pleasant visit, chatted about other things. I think she's on a path towards acceptance, but, isn't quite at the destination on that just yet. Which I imagine is pretty normal?

She said something to me about how "the first thing she needs to do when she gets out of there is get her car charged up" (she has an electric car, that she leased last year with my brother's assistance, to my chagrin ... she had totaled her other one in an accident); she doesn't seem quite as willing to accept that she shouldn't be driving. So, the divide between reality and fantasy seems alive and well ... but, at least she isn't making a case for coming back to my house!

My next order of business will be to meet with a senior housing planning counselor type person, and talk about the assisted living options here in Orange County that will work within her budget/with her care needs.

Thanks to all of you for "holding my cyber hand" through this. I would never have gotten to this place without you all, much less felt such confidence in my ability to ensure guiding where it all goes from here, inevitable hiccups and bumps along the way that I expect!
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If your Mom is competent you may wish to consider resigning by letter your POA over her. Let her assign another family member and walk away from all of this drama.
Once she is diagnosed it will be hard to give up the POA. You would need an attorney and court action to be dismissed and the state would be assigned.
I myself would not want to be dealing with this woman. I would walk away.
Then let her get herself discharged or whatever and throw your phone into the trash, get a new one.
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erzoolie May 2022
Now, that is certainly an interesting idea, one I had not thought of; to be fair, I'm not 100% certain that she has designed me as a POA on anything, but, I intend to find that out, stat. If I resign my POA, does that mean I can no longer have any influence upon her decisions/placement in ALF?

I hear you, about "not dealing with this woman" ... if I told you the full story of our shared history, you'd probably be even more certain I have zero reason to interact with her in the first place. I always believed about myself that doing a kind thing for her was my way to ensure I incurred full forgiveness, and confidence in knowing I always did my best for her. I do still feel that way ... but, boy, there are certainly times I've wanted to hang it all up and walk away ...
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Erzoolie, check your messages. We live close to each other, and I've sent you some information you might be able to use.
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erzoolie May 2022
Thank you! My mom does not have dementia - at least not that I am aware, or, at least not yet ... that said, it is nice to have someone local who understands these things, and I actually have a dear friend with a mother on the dementia decline, here in Orange County - so, I am going to pass your recommendation on to her, as I know she's starting the process of possible placement for her own mother ... thank you again!!!
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ER, let me give you a frame for thinking about this issue.

"Normal", i.e., non-mentally ill, non-demented parents do not have expectations that their adult children should give up their lives, livelihoods and/or retirements to care for them.

Loving children are perfectly within their rights to reject the idea of providing housing and/or hands on care for their parents. It is NOT a matter of love, it's a matter of temperament, ability, financial capability, physical and mental health of the caregiver, in addition to the needs of the person in need of care.

My mom had 3 loving children and in law kids; none of us thought for a minute about providing care for mom in our homes. She was in need of socialization and folks who could monitor her depression and anxiety, as well as her medical needs.l
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AlvaDeer May 2022
Exactly, Barb. My parents, so wonderful all our lives, were so intent on us not feeling responsible for them that they moved early to independent living, where they were assured that as they needed more care they could move into other levels of care. They freed us and kept us free. They raised us strong and independent and well able to take care of ourselves always telling us "That's what life will demand of you". They were wonderful, and kind, and they built us up every second of our life. Even when we were at our worst as teens they would say "You're a good kid.You're smart and you can do anything you want to do whenever you want to do it. We trust you."
When you don't get this growing up you sure won't later. EZ is on her own, but she's doing it.
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Wonderful! But I couldn't help thinking about this: <<It was then brought up that her goal was to "get back home". I said very loud and clear that "home" means at my house, and that is not an option, no matter what progress she incurs with her therapy. I said it as compassionately but clearly as I could. My mother, looking a bit enraged, looked at me and said "well, then - what are YOU doing here, then?" I looked at everyone, and with immense calm replied, "I am here to support the process of identifying a living arrangement for you that is best for you, and that will keep you safe and healthy.">>

Just think if you weren't there! The plan would have been for her to return to your home! THAT is a big reason why you were there!

I'm surprised your brother was there. Were you?
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Oh my, yes. Forgiveness?.??

In my mind (and this was taught to me by my mom) if you choose to bring children into the world, you are participating in a huge lottery. You get the child you get--temperamentally, health-wise and the like. S/he is yours and that's it. We don't OWE our parents.

We pay forward our debt to them through our own kids and the other folks we mentor and shape.

So, what is it you (or your mom) thinks you need to be forgiven for?
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erzoolie May 2022
Oh, it's not something I need to be forgiven for ... it is my desire to forgive her. She is someone who clings to anger like it is some sort of a life raft. I want to abolish anger from my life as much as I can, as I can see the toxic influence carrying it around can have.

I harbored this idea that, if I opened my home, gave her a nice place to live where she was free of obligations, financial and otherwise, there would be a peaceful end to our shared chapter of time on Earth. Probably a hair-brained idea, in retrospect - but, my intentions were good. What I ended up doing instead, I think, is fostering her ability to be devoid of gratitude, and amplify her entitlement instead - and further, giving her leverage with me that she didn't have before (and I ignorantly assumed she would never seek). My husband is a literal saint - supporting me, enduring how she has treated me over the years, and prioritizing propping me up instead of creating more conflict, despite my mother's manipulative attempts to cast him as the villain (it would be easier to control me, I think, if he were at odds/out of the picture).

So much clarity is flooding into my world now. So much.
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ER, I figured that your story probably had something to do with a mistake that MOM made; it's kids like you who've been wounded by their parents who are always seeking absolution and love from their disordered parent.

Seek therapy to sort this out and tell discharge planning the truth, that there is no one in your home who can provide a safe level of care for your mom.

They will tell you "we will get you help". They are lying.
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erzoolie May 2022
Barb - we haven't met, but, you sure have me pegged. Yes, sadly, this is me in a nutshell; how much of my life I've spent (wasted?) in the fruitless effort of seeking that absolution. It came to a head about a year ago, when my mother hurled a particularly subjective piece of hatefulness ... she hates no one on Earth more than my father, and she told me that her living with me was as bad as it was living with him. I literally blacked out from anger, and when I came to, I had picked up a $600 appliance that was now in a thousand pieces, simply because I had hurled it at the wall. Took a good chunk out of the wall, too; I really scared myself. I called my brother first - typical, however, no answer. I called my father, with whom I have a very good relationship ... he talked me off the ledge, and I think also empathized, as he shared a story where he once put a hole in a wall when he was married to her, because she was "sharpening her tongue" on him about something or other.

I am sure I would benefit from therapy to sort this out. I appreciate the "mirror" you are holding up for me, as I think I need it more than I sometimes want to admit.
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