She lives in a two-story townhouse. She has expensive taste but no money. Refuses to find something closer to me because there is nothing affordable up to her standards like granite countertops, wood flooring, etc. Also refuses a condo.
I just had to drive there because she has C-Diff and clean her up and call an ambulance because she couldn’t get out of bed by herself. We were on our way to a train for a birthday celebration for my husband.
She has always been narcissistic and self-entitled. When the diarrhea first started, I called my aunt and she drove three hours and she wouldn’t let her in. Then refused treatment from EMT that I called. Three days later she could not get up.
I need to have her move and I’m happy to take care of her. I have a new grandson I will be watching so I cannot go back and forth.
So, my suggestions, speak to your mothers doctor, and explain the situation and get any kind of diagnoses for what is going on. Get the Power of Attorney and a Living Will done in case of emergencies, hopefully you have these and/or can convince her to do this. When your Aunt visited she should have called the police for a welfare check. They would have gained entrance to the home and checked out the situation.
You can also check in your area and see if there are any restricted income apartments. They are usually less rent. Until you may get her moved, you could also see if you could find any person in her area that could check on her every day, by calling or visiting. If she has any neighbors that she has been friendly with, or any friends. I am in a restricted income apartment and it is a very nice apartment.
It is a shame and this really upsets me because I am 70 and I have had a pacemaker installed. My daughter & I want to rent a house together but our credit scores are just under 600 and we need a 4-5 bedroom home, she has 3 kids! And we just can't find a place! She lives about 45 minutes from me, so not so bad - but still! But I have already made out Power of Attorney and Living Will just in case I cannot make decisions for myself. These things need to be done at all times of life. We never know when things may happen to us! One day I was fine and the next moment I had a total heart block and could have died at 69. After 6 days in hospital I had to wear a Zoll Life Vest for 3 months. I could not work or drive! I live alone but they required me to have a person present when I showered because of removing the life vest.
Talk to your mother, maybe tell her how much fun it could be for you both to live either together or closer. Like when you take the Grandbaby to the park, Mom can go to and see her Great Grandbaby grow! You could go to lunch together. You have to make her want to be closer to you. Good Luck!
Please do not listen to these other people who say to move farther away and other negative stuff. She is your mother and evidently you care for her, and vice versa.
Find a doctor who will see her at home. There are businesses that provide this.
Set up cameras in her townhouse to monitor her.
If she will not compromise and move this is all that is left until she needs assisted living.
Mother is independant, yes?
So Mother needs to hire her own caregivers.
Mother needs to arrange a key-safe box.
Mother can make her own Doctor appointment (telehealth if preferred).
Don't bother trying to get her to move closer to you. It won't happen unless there is a major change in her life where she realizes that she has to get help from outside resources. Nothing is going to satisfy her like her current home. Now if she was grumbling about her current home, you could suggest she move. However, as long as she is "happy" at her current home and in her current circumstances, she will not move or make the change.
Also, don't even think about watching your mother while you take care of your Grandson. Your Grandson needs your undivided attention and there will be many, many times when both he and your Mom will want your attention at the same time ("when it rains, it pours")
I think you need to have a sit down written contract with your Mom. Included in it will be how to let emergency people into her home if she is unable to get to the door. Also ensure that you know where her POA is and her Medical Directive. Also guidelines on who should be called for what situation. Yes, it is easier if your Mom called you all the time, however, not letting in people to help her is inexcusable after calling for help. Also, how does she know who are the "authorized" people you called to help her? What happens if you are not reachable (like on a plane)?
Stubborn usually goes with "narcissistic and self-entitled". Therefore, protect yourself.
Best wishes.
I do not advocate that she move in with you. I moved in with my mother ten hours away from me and it was an undesirable task, to put it mildly.
I'll rephrase slightly as I see it: You WANT to make her move. For valid reasons - so you can help care for her. But Mother does not see this or agree.
Mother has the right NOT to move. It's her life.
However, you can CHOOSE what YOU do: how & when you help her.
More rephrasing.
"I just had to drive there because she has C-Diff and clean her up and call an ambulance because she couldn’t get out of bed by herself".
How did you know this from your home? Did Mother call you? You could have chosen differently, right? Calling EMS from your home was an option too - you choose to go (as many of us would).. but you choose to go.
"I cannot go back and forth".
Tell Mom this.
Advice Mom to get a falls alarm (if she falls), a key-safe box (to let EMS in) & in-home help as she needs it.
She may choose not to for long while yet (but even the truly stubborn eventually change their mind).
At my suggestion, they moved to 5 minutes from me about a year ago. I found the house -- and my mom has very exacting specifications that I had nightmares about. I drove them up here and moved them in. I see them 2-3X per week. I pay their bills, arrange for handyman, to get things fixed, do their taxes, drive my dad to the dr. I haven't written it out like a contract, but there are certain things I am and am not willing to do. I have checked out all kinds of asst living, SNF, continuum of care, adult day care, aides, aging advisors. My mom does not want any of that, though she has accepted a cleaning service. If -- when -- a crisis occurs, I will have to leap into action.
It's still hard and there are lots of things that come up that seem like gray areas on my willing/not willing to do list.
You have gotten a lot of good advice, and even though some of it contradicts others, I kind of agree with it all. Whatever the outcome, you have got to set boundaries and not feel guilty about that and about doing what you want with your life. It's hard to do a "good job" or be a "good daughter" when no matter what, she is going to continue to age and then pass away. She is going to lose control. You can't fix that. I am trying to let go of my own desire/need to put in place what I think they should do. I think I have been offering all these ideas in trying to managing my own anxiety about it all. But stopping with the suggestions has actually made our relationship better. Just offering this in case it rings any bells for you.