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You are 72, you need to take care of yourself and your spouse. Turn this around and consider how you would feel if you were your mother and your child was 72, I'm sure you would not want your "child" to go through this. You would willingly go to a better suited facility for care.
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Richard41 Jan 2019
Thank you Sandy, unfortunately that is part of my problem. She does expect me to take care of her and does not understand why I won't take her home. It is very stressful.
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Do not move her in!!!! You've already tried and know it will not work. No need to feel guilty. if she needs a nursing home - it is not putting her on the trash  heap and walking away. Start looking at homes now
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Richard41 Jan 2019
Thanks Kimber, I'm doing as you say.
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I think in posting here that you know what you really need to do, and are looking for validation. I hope you got it. Do not move your mother in.
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No. No. I certainly hope so and Yes!

Do not move her into your home. Do not feel bad about seeking assistance in caring for a 94 year old woman. You will be able to be a much better son to her if her physical needs are being met by a team of workers.

Best of luck.
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Richard41 Jan 2019
Thanks Marcia, I definitely want to be a good son.
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NO, NO, and NO!
Do not move her into your house.
It will destroy your marriage.
You are NOT a bad son.
Get her into a NH (as close to your home as possible) and visit her multiple days a week just to ensure she is being cared for.
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Richard41 Jan 2019
Thank you Xena, exactly what I plan to do.
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Please read what you have written. Read every word, several times if necessary. Then read it as though you were counseling someone else who was writing what you have said.
In your decision making, contact your local social service agencies and get the logistical information you need to make your decision. Visit the two facilities to which you have access for her.
I have become an advocate for having a psychological/psychiatric evaluation done on ANYONE of this age, especially someone who presents with significant problems of ambulation, memory loss, and is belligerent/demanding.
It is highly likely at her age that a trained geriatric specialist in psychiatric evaluation will find evidence of dementia. The experience you had when you attempted home care previously will not have lessened, but will have increased.
What aspects of her and/or your present circumstances lead you to consider that caring for her “at home” will be successful now, after two failures?
After two failed attempts, only you can determine for yourself if you are or were a “bad son”. To the anonymous reader, it is likely that you are not.
There are NEVER good decisions to be made when caring for someone in your mother’s condition, so you must choose the best out of a bunch of less than good choices. As part of your personal assessment consider the impact on your mother, YOURSELF, and all the other residents in the house to which you’d be bringing her home.
Arm yourself with all the FACTS. YOU will be empowered to make the decision you need to make, however difficult.
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Keepingthelove Jan 2019
Lots of wisdom in your statement, "There are NEVER good decision to be made when caring for someone in your mother's condition so you must choose the best out of a bunch..." Good advice that applies to many situations!
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Oh, boy. Can I be very honest with you? Get on the phone and contaxt your local Medicaid office.

If Mom was “difficult” before, so difficult that you almost lost your marriage, it would be worse now. Much worse. Asking your wife to mop her up when she has a blow-out from her IBS is totally above and beyond.

She is beyond AL and needs a skilled nursing facility. She has medical as well as cognitive issues. When I placed my mom, the Skilled Nursing Facility did all the Medicaid work for me and she was accepted Medicaid pending.

You are not a “bad son” for not bringing her back to live in your home. But your status as a “good husband” may suffer if you do.

Good luck and let us know what you decide.
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Nncbb57 Jan 2019
Yes! My Dad was allowed to live in his nursing home while he was “Medicaid pending.”
Your marriage must come first.
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No, you're not a bad son for considering alternatives to having your mother move in with you especially since you've tried it in the past and it didn't work out. This time would be no different.

Start the Medicaid application process. If your mom's assisted living has a social worker enlist their help with the application. If there is no social worker to assist you you can still do it on your own. Medicaid can take a long time to be approved so it's best that you get started as soon as you can.

While you're applying for Medicaid visit some nursing homes to determine which one will be best suited for your mom.
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Richard41 Jan 2019
Thanks Eyerishlass, yes I am about 8 months from needing the approval completed. Everyone says I'm starting at a good time.
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