My sister passed away unexpectedly in February leaving behind her two daughters. I've been caring for my grandma full time for over a year and have been caring for her 24/7 since early December. All the changes have made her very irritable. I can't do anything right. Shes always making snarky remarks with everything anyone says or does. I know she's sad because of her grandchild passing, but she's more focused on her home changing, upset because I can't take her shopping as I have been, and upset because I don't want to cook exactly what she wants, as I've been cooking meals, instead of catering to what she particularly wants. The juggle in having to care for everyone in this difficult time is so exhausting, but she is my biggest stressor. I've been concentrating on the girls. They need as much comfort as possible. They've just lost everything. I can't get her to understand that this situation is affecting everyone, not just her. I fear I'm beginning to feel resentment towards her. She fears I'm going to put her in a nursing home so she begs me now on a daily basis not to do so which makes me think that she doesn't really care about me at all. I'm not even sure I've been able to grieve in a healthy way. There are custody issues involving the youngest daughter as well. I've been so busy, there's no time. This forum is filled with wonderful people that have been though so much and I'm just reaching out to those who understand.
I wonder:
1. How is your husband concretely and directly, helping your grandmother and the two kids?
2. You're asking strangers on the internet for advice about the very difficult situation you're in - why isn't your husband giving lots of advice what you BOTH should do? This isn't just your problem.
Like PolarBear, I hope you won't leave. Your situation is SO complex; we didn't get all the cogs on the wheel for a while, so we went to arguing some issues back and forth. I think with your faithful answers to us we have it straight now. Let me know if I am wrong:
1. Your sister died unexpectedly, and you are now caring for BOTH her girls.
2. The girls have two different fathers, one who is dead and the other an abuser. You are currently battling the abuser in court to keep the girls together and have custody of them both.
3. At the SAME time your elderly grandmother is off her feet completely and in need of your care, and you have moved in with her on an emergent basis.
4. You are meanwhile physically separated from hubby while he works 60 hours a week to earn enough to support you ALL, a loving home you have, and you miss him.
I hope I have it straight. I hope you don't leave us. I hope you got to pick out pieces in our responses that might help.
I do think that your grandma should accept placement right now. If you are her POA you may have to help with THAT as well. If she won't you must move back home and report her as a senior in need to APS. You cannot handle it all.
I do think you should continue in the custody fight because the father is abusive, and the fact you have the two girls, they are together, and WANT TO BE WITH YOU and together will count a lot in the courts. For the girl who's dad is dead there should be social security to apply for her support. For the other younger girl, if he wants her so bad he should be proving that by support, which he never paid.
I do think you would win that support and custody battle more certainly if you are in the loving home with your husband. Grandma has had her life (sad to say, and blunt) and you are in a mess now trying to gain custody, support and a loving home for these girls.
My heart goes out to you. I can't tell you how much I wish the very best for you. Forgive us out back-yard-over-the-fence conversations as we tried to figure out the exact situation here. It's so complex!
Annit,
I am so sorry about Peggy. She gets on these rampages with very little info. She has been told by OPs to stop posting on their threads. One thing as OPs we cannot do is block people from our threads. Just ignore her.
You can use us as a sounding board. Hopefully ask questions with no negative feed back. Just vent away. Tackle one step at a time. But know, if Dementia is in the picture grandmom needs to be placed. These children need a home and your undivided attn and your DH needs a wife. Its no longer what GM wants but what she needs and thats 24/7 care in a nice facility.
ADMIN, it’s best to close down the comments. Please. Thank you.
Also, annit is in desperate need for support , not interrogation. If you can, then support her, otherwise please don’t add more stress to her situation.
The courts won’t be shutting down discussion by hitting a report button.
I'm sure your whole situation is much more complex; of course on the forum, we only know some details. There are some things I find hard to understand:
1. It's unusual to be willing to help one's grandparents, but not one's mother. You said your mother is in a nursing facility; she's expected to make a full recovery. You said you can't help your mother (you're already helping so many people), and she doesn't expect you to. It's odd your mother doesn't have advice about this whole situation (regarding your nieces, etc.).
2. You said grandma's home is supposed to belong to you, after grandma dies. Does this mean, the reason you're willing to help your grandma, and not your mother, is because your mother has nothing financial to offer you?
3. I know several elderly people who wouldn't want to live with teen children in their own home. Grandma might politely not say so directly. Like PeggySue, I don't understand why the children aren't living with your husband. The only reason I can think of, is that your husband doesn't feel like taking care of them, after he gets back from work. He prefers you deal with everyone (your grandma, the children). Also, there is no reason for him not to help out on weekends, for example. I feel he doesn't give OP enough emotional support, etc., which is why OP turns to strangers on the internet. Why does it matter? Because I think that's part of the problem.
Her grandmother is 91, can't walk and has Dementia and cannot be left alone. OPs mother cannot help because she is recovering from an illness of her own. Cousins do not want to help. So who is going to care for Grandmom if Annit goes home. Maybe grandmom can't afford in home care.
She did mention she inherits the home and would hate to get rid of it because her grandfather built it but then says looks like it will need to be sold for Grandmoms care. She realizes that now Grandmom will need to go to a facility and in two different responses says she will be taking the children to her house to raise.
Her husband works 60 hrs a week. That averages 12 hrs a day in a five day work week. You have to add in the time you need to get up, dress and eat breakfast and the drive time to work so add another 2 hrs to that. So that makes it a 70 hr week. So 14 hrs a day. That leaves him 10 hrs a day to sleep and keep the house up. He probably does his own laundry. She says he comes to see her and I bet while he is there he does things around the house.
Annit as the maternal Aunt has to file for custody. Annit now has to make the decision to place her Grandmother so she can raise these too children. And only she can place grandmom. If you read her responses she had already raised 2 of her own. She is stepping up to the plate and all these two can do is criticize.
Read her first post
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/just-needing-to-vent-i-feel-stuck-any-advice-478997.htm
Right after that her sister died.
She ALSO has a grandmother living alone who has suddenly gone down to immobility, and she has moved with the girls to care for her in her large home while she fights a court case for one of the girls.
Add to this she has a mom in care for her own injury and a husband trying to hold their own household together while he works 60 hours a week to keep the bread on the table (albeit willingly).
What WE can do about all this is very little. But the one thing we COULD do is offer support and just a couple of ideas we perhaps can come up with.
Instead we argue about her circumstances and make the most awful assumptions about her and her entire family, when to my mind she has acted fast and heroically to terrible circumstances. The whole thing makes me sad. I love this forum, and believe we can do so much better.
This is a heartbreaking situation.
See an attorney
Get a social worker for grandma
Get help [caregivers] for you to deal with grandma (you need a buffer as you are taking her comments to you personally. This will tear you apart/ware you down. The focus needs to be on your sister's children). You must learn to ignore comments from grandma - offer reflective listening, i.e., I understand you feel xxx" and stop. This show compassion, that you are listening, and that you will no longer engage in this 'quality' / line of conversation.
Gena / Touch Matters
For the sake of the 2 girls who are top priority they’re minors and just lost their mother. Can you think of any possibilities for someone who might be willing to be an attendant for her, if not consider placing her at least temporarily in a home which in this particular case some other arrangement for grandma is in the best interest of your sisters kids
You are one person. You can’t do it all. Even if your nieces weren’t in the situation they are, what you are doing for Grandma will not work out long term. The only thing that I agree with Peggy Sue on is that it would look better custody wise if you were back at your own home. The courts could question your ability to balance between looking after Grandma and your nieces. Grandma needs round the clock care and one person just can’t do it all. I’d say prioritize your nieces. Go back home. Tell Grandma sorry, but you can’t do this anymore. The girls need you. You’re now probably the closest thing to a mother that they have and I know from losing a parent myself, that being around that parent’s family is such a huge comfort. You won’t be abandoning your grandmother if she goes to a nursing home. You wouldn’t be providing hands on care but you could still advocate for her and make sure that they are doing their job properly. If she was in her right mind she would tell you the same thing. Keeping on going the way you are is detrimental to your health. Don’t do that to yourself and to the ones who love you. Take care of yourself!
Get grandma placed in the best facility you can and visit her on a regular basis.
I would just like to publicly compliment you for not turning tail and running for the hills when the social media mavens, who have it ALL FIGURED OUT OF COURSE, come to roost permanently on your thread. Count me one of them.
I for one think your situation, sandwiched as you in the middle of FOUR generations of neediness, like a pickle in a whopper, is quite the amazing tale.
I think you are a hero for taking on what you have taken on. I think your hubby, who you describe with great love and who I am certain misses you as much as you miss him, is a hero also.
I think granny is likely doing the very best she can with her current mental and physical deficits and declines, and is afraid.
Someone quoted that I am one to say "not everything can be fixed". Actually I am using Dr. Laura Schlesinger's old adage. And it's TRUE. BUT EVERYTHING HERE CAN BE FIXED.!!!!!!! (IMHO) And I think you are JUST the caring gal to do it. I just think it is something you, hubby, the girls and grandma and your Mom as well have to take a day at a time, one problem at a time, and work out.
Grandma may eventually have to enter care so you can return home with the girls and work the custody issues. But this isn't an overnight fix.
To those who wish to drop their analysis of your husband, your mom, your grandmother, your girls, and YOU onto your doorstep mat like so many dead mice out of a cat's mouth? I honestly don't know WHAT to say. Just enjoy them! They will soon have your entire family psychoanalyzed and dropped into the perfect niches. They will solve it all for you. And everyone can wander happily into some Hollywood sunset.
Meanwhile, take notes. I see yours as the next GREAT memoir. I read a marvelous memoir by a San Francisco woman who lost her husband, gained a mom sinking into dementia in her home, all the while raising her teen. Wish I could remember the name of it!
You have been more than patient with us, Annit.
My last word on this, having pretty much heard all you had to say, is that I believe you can do it. I am so thankful those two girls have you in their life; I believe you are the one to teach them love, courage and heroism for their lives moving forward.
And I wish you all the luck in the world.
I know that there is a lot on your shoulders. Please consider getting somebody - family, friends, members of your faith community, paid help - to help out at least 1 day a week. Use the time to grieve, to recharge, to do things you need for yourself.
The girls haven't been doing great. The youngest has extreme anger issues and the oldest has been in and out of mental health facilities, paired with counseling. This is not new behavior. Her struggles have been ongoing since she was 12.
I'm trying but I don't know what I'm doing and just doing the best I can.
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
You can also find your grandmother an inpatient hospice. It may be too much for the girls going through their mother dying and now the grandmother.
It looks like you have been in survival mode.
I think from all they've been through the girls are in counseling and it's the best you can do for them. I hope they will do better. They have your love. That's their best chance.
However, Grandma must now go into care. You cannot give what the girls require and still do everything else.
I hope you are back home with your husband. Please consider putting your grandmother into care now. Your load must be lightened or you will buckle under this and then the girls, your husband and your grandmother will have nothing.
Best to you and again thanks for the update. So few do it for us.
It is no longer about what she wants, it is all about needs and they need to be prioritized, underage children come first.
I do not know the entire story as to why you are involved with Grandma's caregiving, where are her children?
Grandma is all about Grandma, not my rules, just how it works with many old people, self-centered and demanding, she really does not care about what your issues are.
Time for you to reframe your thinking, Grandma has lived her life, the children need support and a chance to thrive, making their own way in society,,,but, they need the tools to do so.
Sending support your way.
I am sorry to hear about your situation. I’m sure it has been very difficult for your nieces. I don’t know how you are able to manage all of this.
Your grandmother is in need of more care than you are able to provide. Your nieces are grieving the loss of their mom and shouldn’t have to be dealing with grandma’s issues.
For everyone’s sake, grandma needs to be placed in a facility. You can visit her as often as you want to. You can help her by overseeing her care.
Best wishes, Annit. I have often wondered how you and the girls were. Take care.