Anyone else dealing with a narcissistic mother with Alzheimer's?

I agree 100% with you, tpseekonk. I adopted an attitude similar to yours about 6 months ago, when I was at breaking point. Life is so much better now. My mother is still taken care of AND I now spend quality time with my children. I agree & recommend making others aware of the abuse... I went on holiday for a week in June, 3 of my cousins (2of whom are in the medical profession) visited my mother daily. They had such an horrific time with her, 2 of them have now completely distanced themselves, no visits, calls or birthday cards. Apparently they were "demented" with her, which is amusing as one of them works with the criminally insane. Don't feel guilty taking a step back. Everyone benefits from a calmer & happier you.

I'm in the same boat. Mother is in stages 6-7. Today she woke up and sat naked on her bed. I finally found out she had forgotten how to dress herself. I've got a nurse, so she helped her. Extremely confused. And she has the same personality disorder you're dealing with. Get the family doctor, pharmacists, neighbors to witness her abuse or tale. Then you have other people who know the truth. Also, I want to address the fact that the patient is robbing you of years of your life. My mothers friend who was 90 told me that. No one has mentioned this fact in all my research. Best advice is go along with anything, no matter how crazy it sounds. If it's something you're not going to like, just say "ok, tomorrow ". They forget in a few minutes.

I understand "42yearsafter" and have struggled with my parent's narcissistic, BPD issues for decades. I have no sibs, and any family members left are in their 80's with their own health/life concerns. Keep a consistent line of communication open with your family members, write things down, and try to secure a working relationship with a few persons who may see your parent daily. It's good to be proactive so you can keep at bay the "say what?" blindsides. Good luck.

Dealing with my narcisstic mother and placing her in professional care was the most difficult situation I have ever had to deal with. As others have said I now agree, we should have never taken mom in our own home care. Just before dad passed he told us kids that mom was having memory problems. After he passed, we managed to get her to sell her home, invest her money, update her Will including naming her Powers of Attorney for personal care and property. When we realized she couldn't pay her bills correctly we had her change her chequing account to joint so we could monitor. When she couldn't remember her PIN numbers, we had to simplify her banking. When she couldnt do her taxes, we had to go to H&R block. Things of course got worse. She is highly intelligent and excellent at fooling everyone. We had to make her doctor aware of her memory problems in a private family meeting with him. He administered a memory test which she passed. We couldn't believe it. More time went by and more issues arouse. We got her in for the MMSE test. Fortunately I was allowed to sit in. It showed short term memory and "mild" cognitive impairment problems. We were glad that finally, we had some proof. After a few minor collisions and even though she managed to get her drivers license renewed at age 85 for 2 more years, we managed to get her licence revoked by the doctor. We had already taken away her car, selling it when it came out of the body shop for the last time. She would not voluntarily stop driving. Next she had a CT scan to rule out other issues such as stroke. The specialist would not give us the report. Said we had to get it thru the family doctor. The family doctor gave us only the clinical report which said her brain showed normal shrinkage for age. Still no proof. But at least we had from the family doctor a likely diagnosis of Alzheimer's based on the MMSE test and her family history of having a brother and sister with Alzheimer's. Fortunately we were able to learn from the experiences of other family members. When things started to get really bad with her after 3 1/2 years of home care, it was time to move her. When you grow up with a narcisstic mother they drive wedges between siblings all the old baggage comes up. She made me think my brother was abusing her. We were fighting among ourselves, and each of us had our own opinion about what to do. Finally, after much emotional turmoil we agreed on a plan to move her into a retirement home. Mom agreed. She left a deposit on a room. After making all the arrangements, she forgot she liked it. Then huge resistance from her. In the midst of moving, she started calling people to cancel everything. Took her to the doctors complete the admission forms for the retirement residence and she had a fit. Even though she liked it and had agreed to it the week before, she had forgotten. The doctors office wouldn't complete the admission form. Another family meeting. We needed to be on the same page. We all told her she could not stay at my brothers home and he is moving. She raised hell. Then tantrums, tears, pity plays. She kept saying we don't want her and are throwing her out. She cried uncontrollably in front of Grandchildren and great grand children. I called two lawyers seeking advice on how to invoke the powers of attorney. As soon as they know what you want, they didnt return my calls. In Ontario, Canada there is a law called the substitute decisions act. I had to read it myself. No lawyer would get involved. No doctor can provide a firm diagnosis. What did I have at the end of the day? An MMSE test which she barely failed and mild cognitive impairment although anyone close to her knew she was much worse. People not that close to her, don't understand her issues. At the end she turned on everyone when she doesn't get her way. She does anything for sympathy, pity and attention. We finally got her her to sign all the paperwork at the retirement home and agree to an assessment. I know the battle is not over. You never know whats next. Having a narcisstic mother and no mother-daughter connection, there are so many times i just want to walk away. But I have a conscience and a legal responsiblilty as POA to do the best I can. My advice to all who are dealing with this...dont move them in. When the time comes, it's very hard to move them to a retirement home, nursing home or long term care. You have to be involved in their doctors appointments to know what's going on as they can't help themselves and they don't remember what the doctors tell them. Dont expect the doctors to solve your problems because they have to protect their privacy but work with them to get what you need. Dont think a lawyer will help you, read the law for yourself. All family members must stand firm and together as a narcissist easily divides and conquers. Sympathize as they can't help themselves.

My entire family, excluding me, coddles her narc dementia! She SO enjoys all the attention it brings to her! She will hug me and say she loves me in front of others, but when her and I are alone, OH MY! It's like talking with the devil!!!!!!! NO CONTACT for me from now on! I MUST protect myself! I leave the care to those who feed her narc ways and coddle her! THEY are creating the monster she is by enabling her behavior! I will take no more!!!!!!!!

Yes! I have a narc mother with alzheimer's!!! I didn't know anyone else has or is dealing with this. I'm very interested in comparing notes. I just spent 5 days with her on a so-called vacation that my dad invited me on. She made it such h3ll for me, attacking me when no one else was around, then going to my dad and telling him I was being mean to her, so finally dad paid my way to leave their camp and go home! Thank goodness for that! I was ready to hitch hike home the first night, when she took my blanket away from me after telling me to take that blanket for my bed in their motorhome! I give them my BED and bedroom when they come to visit! Not anymore! It's complete NO CONTACT for me now!!!!!

You have described my mum to a tee. I wish I'd realised years ago, before she was sick, that she was a narcissist, instead I used to feel bad because she made me feel I wasn't good enough. I'm currently experiencing similar problems to you, but fortunately her neighbours have also seen a different side to her & feel sorry for me. I don't know what the answer is but you're not alone. If it helps, I'm keeping a diary of all episodes / accusations and keeping proof so I can counter the claim. I also plan to see her GP to ensure its documented. Also, save all the abusive /delusional phone messages and again try to disprove whatever your mum says. Hope it's helped. Good luck.

Ohreally51..........I think that talking about these issues is a very helpful thing to do. It doesn't mean we're not doing the hard work to make ourselves better........but figuring it all out in the first place! Heck, I didn't even know WHAT was going on until I turned 50 or so! Hard to believe, I know. Narc personality types tend to brainwash us "younguns"........making everything OUR fault, because there's never anything wrong with THEM. It takes a lot of soul searching and hard work to stop blaming ourselves and to recognize what's happening! It certainly IS ok to say NO, but when there's an only child involved, there is nobody else to pick up the shattered pieces of what these women leave behind..except us. Unless a person chooses to go 'no contact', even limited contact is exhausting. Energy vampires suck out the soul.......until we develop techniques to cope. And hopefully said techniques don't involve booze, drugs, or binge eating.

I'm glad you were able to heal and to stop being used & abused, I really am. Lots of us are on that road as well, and sharing our stories makes us feel like we're not alone. Plus, we glean lots of useful tips and advice along the way!

Thanks for sharing your story........it definitely gives others hope, and makes us realize we DO have options.

Boy howdy, it sure seems to me that my NARC mother's worst traits have gotten a whole lot worse since she's progressed down the dementia path. I have no idea whether she has Alzheimer's or just ordinary dementia, but her foul moods and judgment passing on everyone has gotten unbearable. I read somewhere that when a person ages, all he really IS becomes magnified, and I can vouch for that fact. The ugly get uglier, the words get nastier, the complaining all the more bitter. When my Aunt (mom's sister) went down this road, I felt it was a huge blessing when she became non-communicating. My cousin thought it was horrible, but what she was doing beforehand was a whole lot worse!

I wish I had a useful tip for you, I really do. I try to block out the terrible things she says and keep my visits and phone calls to a bare minimum. Unless boundaries are set down with NARCS, they will run everyone over with a bulldozer. And even with those boundaries in place, they change ALL the rules ALL the time. If I say black, she says white. Then if I agree to white, she's back to black in a heartbeat. There is no winning with women like this; so we just have to do the best we can, right?

I'm trying to find some much needed advice/support with my 75 yr. narcissist mother who now has stage 4 dementia.. Life as a child under just the narcissism was horrible enough.. The amount of therapy I had to go through to undo what she had done to me was bad enough.. And now it's magnified 10 fold. She is still trying to pit us 3 kids against each other, but now she can't even keep her own lies together. So she tells anyone who will listen lies about us kids. She's at our mercy at this point and she fights us on everything!!!!! Drs took her ability to drive away from her and some how that's our fault.. We need to start the process of finding her a nice place to stay.. None of us can move her into our homes. (Been there done that - total disaster!) I really need to find some kind of answers/solutions/support anything that might help us deal with my mom..
Will Appreciate anyone's comments.

I like PhoenixDaughter's comments regarding the labeling, although I am totally guilty of doing that with my mother. I did hear an actual psychologist say the other day that the 'narcissist' label is truly the 'hot' thing now. Evidently there is an explosion of people being 'narcissistic'. Maybe, maybe not. I usually would say, 'from everything I have read and understand about NPD, my mother most definitely fits that mold but I am not shrink'. The bottom line is the behavior. And I think that is a very good point. Succinctly describing behavior without putting a label on it makes it much easier to both get advice on how to deal with this type of personality as well as coming to a personal grip with one's own personality and how the two mesh or clash. My mother has never had a job in her life. She married at 17 and my dad was 20. By that time, he had graduated from college and went to war (Korea) during which time my mother, who lied to her parents about getting married, moved in with her doting in laws as soon as she turned 18. My father, an only adored but hardworking son/child, was given great career opportunities by his dad, who was in the land development, building and real estate industry, and he outshined his success. So my dad retired at 50. They have never known a day when money was extremely tight, my mother has never had to deal with a cheating husband or a hard day at work while also trying to raise children but she is resentful of the fact that I did have a career and was successful. It was hard. My mother is by nature selfish, dramatic, vindictive, angry ('complains with her mouth full) and focuses most of it, if she has availability on me (I was born when she was 20). She is very jealous, which is strange to me; I have two beautiful accomplished adult daughters and cannot imagine jealousy every being an emotion that I would experience regarding them. I can come up with a million 'reasons' why she is such a nasty person with such a selfish, mean and demanding 'aura' but the bottom line is that I have put up my own boundaries so that I only take what I can take when it comes to her. My faith and character are my guides for doing the right things in my life. I refuse to let her beat up on me and therefore have little to do with her. It really doesn't matter everything a person has 'been through'. I have 'been through' a lot in my life, much of it at her hand. It is somewhat like a pedophile making the excuse that they do it because they were abused. There still is a consequence to actions and there are still victims left in the wake. We can only change ourselves.
I was a doormat who had no idea about how I really felt until my early thirties, till I got away from my hometown and extended, dysfunction family and saw my marriage and mistreatment from my husband for what it was. I also realized success that I never had before and was making my own choices, not needing my controlling parents to help me do it. I came to understand how I married someone as abusive as my mother was to me and knew I had to end my marriage. And to think I went into it wanting to figure out how to 'work things out' with him. I did the hard work mentally and emotionally and also from a professional standpoint. I hear in so many stories here how people are so tired of being used by their parents but don't think they can choose to say NO. Not only is it ok to do that but it is healthy and will extend your life as opposed to shortening it and making yourself sick in trying to please the unappeasable. The truth often is that talking about them and their mental illnesses and how it affects us makes it easier in a way than doing the hard work to get ourselves better. Once you are healthy in your own mind, what someone who isn't does becomes less of your own problem. It isn't easy and 'they' know how to push your buttons. But nothing worthwhile is easy. Life is no dress rehearsal.

(((((((Hugs))))) That is very true. Mother's Borderline Personality Disorder was not diagnosed till she was 96. They knew she was "difficult" but they never looked for a diagnosis. I don't think upbringing totally explains narcissism or personality disorders as some siblings are normal and some have the disorder all coming from the same family in the same era.

Kathy - she has dementia so she will not make sense and she will be paranoid, She cannot understand as her brain is damaged. Learn all you can about Alz/dementia. Teepa Snow does good videos about Alz to help caregivers. Your sil sounds very self centered. If mil has been like this before the addition of Alz to a personality order is a 5 ring circus. It helps if you can learn to give responses to her that will calm her down as confrontations don't work. Google teepasnow People here have found her to be a great resource. The other thing is to read as much as you can about the disease. You can learn - she can't any more. Sometimes it is better to say things like, "Yes Mum, I will look into it" rather than telling her it isn't true that she pays for everything.

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from an article on therapeutic fibbing:

."Therapeutic fibbing" is a concept designed to relieve the guilt that often comes from lying to a loved one, even when that lie may very well be the kindest thing you can say to them in that situation. Those with dementia often stuggle with logic, rational thought, sequencing and emotional control. Therapeutic fibbing may be appropriate when telling the truth would cause pain, anxiety or confusion, or when the person with dementia is experiencing life in a different "time zone."

For example, say your wife wants to drive to the grocery store, but you do not believe that she is a safe driver due to her dementia. Instead of telling her that she's no longer safe to drive, you could tell her that the car is in the shop for repair, tell her that you've misplaced your keys or tell her that you'll drive her to the store, since you need to go out anyway.

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re the pills perhaps her doctor can insist she have them blister packed and administered by you. Sometimes an authority figure outside of the family can get better results. Mother finally accepted others handling her pills once she spent some time in a geriatric psychiatric hospital. Good luck

And breathe Kathy y1 Doctors do know IF YOU TELL THEM on the quiet. My doctor is really good about actually hearing what I have to say because he knows how near the edge I actually am ALL OF THE TIME. He also knows that unless I absolutely have to I won't take meds. Have to be really quite poorly before I will take purely because they make me gag. I need liquid form like babies have!

The damnedest thing about dementia is that all the traits of the individual are magnified or lost. now if there was a god all the bad traits would be lost and all the good ones magnified. Almost never happens until the very late stages of dementia and I mean very very late stages. The earlier stages are much more trying but we also have to remember that these people KNOW they have dementia or at least KNOW that something is radically wrong and they are scared. Wouldn't we all be?

Now I am not saying for one second that makes it any easier at all ...it doesn't but it does explain their fear of losing control, their fear of not being able to pay their way, their fear of embarrassment in front of others. Their fear if you like of their individuality.

As for unhelpful siblings - fiery pit for the lot of them - you watch them hover when the will is read - they will be there in droves like vultures just waiting for their meal (ticket)

I wish some of these Dr's had to spend a week with our loved one's cause they don't know SQUAT in a 10 minute visit

Yes!! MIL !!! she stands behind the blinds and talks about neighbors people walking their dog down the street, they never wave to her when in fact SHE is the only one who refuses to wave !! Everything is about HER 24/7!! She broke her chair again and although hubby ordered the parts and PAID for it she says how much did that cost ME ?? When we go out she see's him pay the bill but tells people he makes her pay for everything !! When we first moved in we thought she just needed help with her medications and split the rent 1/2 & 1/2 and food now it's we pay all the rent her credit card payments.. all the food all the stuff for the house; toilet paper laundry soap etc... last night there was a HUGH blow up about MONEY... she says she can't afford to pay his way! hubby's lip is a bloody lip from chewing him mouth shut ..I try to explain that although she don't see it most of the time he pays more than she is aware and brought up the rent electric bill food all of it. Then brought up the fact that no one else in this family even calls to see if she needs anything cause yesterday we stopped to pick up a RX and the pharmacist said your sister is here... ( to hubby ) did she bother to call and say Hey mom you have a RX here would you like me to pick it up? Do you need anything? Hell no ( pardon my candor) Hubby is ready to throw her to the wolves .. ( sil ) BUT this it's all about her is nothing new and that's what I try to remind hubby.. she's always been this way just way more now

Mleigh so sorry for your loss, my strength goes out to you sweetheart.

I just want to chip in here ...my mums consultant says she is NOT narcissistic (hmmmmph!) but has a dependancy personality disorder. Now he has explained this to me I can sort of understand it. Her generation virtually ALL had relatives that went to war and during that period there was a far greater social cohesion than has ever been known. It also brought about codependancy as siblings and friends and relatives all sought to support each other during that very difficult period. Mums house was bombed but not destroyed, her friends lost their loved ones. She was lucky Dad came home but her father had lost a leg in WW1 so she was brought up in a world where the older members of the family depended on their children. So he utter dependancy on me and her anger when I don't do something immediately and I mean NOW / INSTANTLY isn't in her mind narcissism at all - it is that I should be doing it. Now while most with this disorder are compliant submissive angels (and Lord knows that would drive me mad too) Mum's emerges as anger towards me as an ungrateful child who has never done anything for anyone ever - yeah OK Mum whatever!

So before we all label our kin (and I had labelled mine) as narcissistic, because she has always been that way, we may need to rethink our feelings in the light of their upbringing.

That said it doesn't make it one jot easier, if anything it makes it worse but at least I know WHY she is like it now.

Love to all xxxx

Thank you for helping us with our sanity or insanity. I did not even realize my mom has narcissism, thought she was hypochondriac, and now has dementia on top of it. We have been pulling our hair out also. Will be reading here and trying to post from time to time.

Just an update....my mother passed away 3 weeks ago...comfortably and in good care at a fine nursing home where she only stayed a week and a half. Everyone at the nh thought she was just the sweetest little woman in the world and in the end she actually was....my sister (in another state) the 'golden child' never came to see her or help me but at least, unlike my sister, I have absolutely no guilt as far as my mother is concerned I did everything possible to make her life comfortable...my only regret is that we never had the relationship we could have had. As I read through her letters and books and articles she was interested in I'm finding we had so much in common but she would never let me know that person....what a shame, for both of us . To those of you still struggling with this issue just know that there is no way to change it and none of it is your fault....do whatever is necessary to make you feel good about yourself in the end........then let it go.

I am saddened to hear that my situation with my AD father is not so unique, while also being a bit relieved. AD seems to take away the cognitive abilities that allow people with NPD to be tolerable to others. My mother put up with my father's abusive personality, but she passed away several years ago. My sister doesn't want to have anything to do with supporting my father. Although he's in an assisted living facility, dealing with him is a nightmare. I feel sorry for my father, because I believe that external circumstances during his childhood resulted in him having NPD. Despite this, I had compassion fatigue long before he was diagnosed with AD. Some days I'm more patient with him than others. My experience with my father has caused me to re-think my own life, and to do my best to have a positive relationship with my teenage children, to do my best to keep my own brain healthy, and to try to build positive social connections of my own. My heart goes out to anyone having to help support a parent with AD, and especially those with AD+NPD.

I gave up my home, career and friends to move 200 miles and care for my narc mother for four horrendous years until she went into a NH over 2 years ago. From the NH she called me daily, ranting, raving, blaming and was so mean to the other residents. Initially she shared a room with a really sweet lady but every waking moment my mother was after her, berating, ranting, calling her a bitch ... the woman had a stroke and died and I expect the stress had something to do with it. I got her a private room before she killed anyone else.

The daily screaming phone calls continued. One day a ministry official visited to check the NH out. When they asked if she had any concerns (with respect to her care) she said she didn't know where the money went from the sale of her house, yet she was kept advised every step of the way. That brought the government down on my head, having to produce paperwork and records of investments ... after all I'd given up and all I'd done for her I was treated like a common criminal. Of course the case was very quickly closed but that was the last straw. I blacked out doing 85 in my truck and it was either her or me. I had a nervous breakdown and was quite ill for months.

I changed my phone number and made it unlisted. I've been very careful never to give her my address either or she'd be sending the cops around with some cockamamie imaginings. These days I preserve her money, ensure her bills are paid and run her errands. On some visits she can be reasonable, but mostly it's a total pity party, woe is me, me, me, waaaaah!, and I sink into a black hole for the next 24 hours.

She's always on about going outside to get some fresh air so last visit I suggested we go sit out on the patio. Nope, not good enough, want to go for a drive, go shopping ... she can't even sit up, is incontinent and I can't lift her.

I won't visit as often as I used to and I'm working on rebuilding my life. She's been the mother from h*ll and everything I do and have done for her is purely out of duty. I will never be totally free until she dies but in the meantime I'll do all I can to protect myself.

There is a reason that I found this chat line because I am going through most of these same things. My mother never learned to read or write so with the doctor saying that she may be in early stage of dementia makes it worse. I have been dealing with her health problems for eight years and it has only gotten worse. She is mean to me, lies on me and just treats me like crap. I would like to say that the dementia is doing this but that would mean that she has had dementia since I was born and that's not the case. I have taken her to the hospital for numerous times over the last years. She has diabetes and it is really bad because she wont take her medicine. I found her in a diabetic coma about a month ago and she claimed it was because she doesn't have any food to eat but that's a lie if she calls me and tell me that she doesn't have any food I will take her some. She told the drs and nurses that no one will help her. I have helped her so much that I now suffer from severe migraines. Now her nurse and social workers say that I have neglected her . How can you neglect someone that doesn't live in your house? These people in turn filed a complaint with the state saying that I neglected her. I have tried to do everything for her neglecting myself. M children don't want me to help her because of the way that she has always treated me as well as them. She has always been a mean person and now its gotten worse and the bad thing is some people believe these lies.This is all a big headache now and I just don't know what to do because the situation has gotten worse. I know that the social worker and or the nurse lied on me to get services that they wanted the state to give her but this is still slandering my name and I just don't know what to do. I have already filed a complaint against them and I need more ideas how to address this issue because they don't realize that they put families in just to get services for someone who does not take care of herself and to top it off she is only 65 years old and has a live in boyfriend who does nothing but mooch off of her and she loves him dearly and would never do anything to hurt him but she would actually bury me. I have told the medical staff not to call me for anything but to deal with her on their own because it is stressing me out so bad that my blood pressure is high and my migraines are back. Any solutions?

To be fair most geriatricians (not your everyday ordinary doctor) understand the facets of dementia - this is really typical - a daughter does everything another sibling nothing and yet they are always the golden child while cinders over there is horrid - it really is a bit like a fairy story. My mother has suddenly and I mean suddenly decided she wants to see my brother who she hasnt seen for 10 years, has cut him out of her will and whom we have a restriction order against. Now we aren't talking minor stuff here - drugs, drink, drunk driving, prison, detox, drink driving detox, drugs, prison AGAIN plus some other stuff which Mum isnt aware of , that I dont want to go into and which would see him do even more jail time. Added to that he stole 10K off my mum.

Right now I am the bitch from hell because I wont go and find him. He might be a sibling but I am adopted so not a blood sibling and I can tell you all right now - no way while I draw breath will I seek him out. So she asked golden granddaughter who said....Nana are you feeling poorly again? If you want to see XXXXXXX again you need to go into a care home because we aren't alllowing him anywhere near THIS house. OOOOOH now we are both in bad books! Not to worry eh!

I just read your submission, and I was floored! You exactly described my mother and my situation! I have always known my mother was a narcissist, but now that she has mid-stage Alzheimer's, she is much worse. I have been treated as if I am her own personal slave, and she bad mouths me behind my back every chance she gets and to every person she sees. I was turned into elder services for elder neglect by my aunt because she believes I am abusive to my mother. I feel trapped, because I have tried to talk with her doctors about this, and I am not believed because my aunt has lied to them about me. I am at wits end, and feel as if I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't at this point. It is helpful though to know I am not the only one having to go through this nightmare.

My 83 year old dad with end stage congestive heart failure and dementia and NARCISSM lent me his car cos mine broke down ( with the 10 times per week 80 kilometre trip) He then walked 2km to the doctors today!!! After I told him on the phone he should have got a taxi he said well I haven't got MY car, have I? YOUVE got it!!!!! He was so breathless that he couldn't talk. He spent all day in the ER with sore leg and yet he walked to doctors. Meanwhile I lay awake all night worrying that he will pass away on his own. I do his huge garden, his windows ( he too mean to buy in labor) his laundry. This is while trying to hold down my job and raise my son single handed. Why do I do it?????? I need to think about me. As soon as I take an hour off and he thinks I might be sitting down he takes himself to ER and nurses ring me...did I KNOW my father was there????I Fell asleep in ER one night I was with him and he couldn't bear that he didn't have a narcissistic supply so woke me up to see if I wanted a coffee!!!!!!! We were there cos he couldn't breathe!!! I could write all night but I just keep trauma alive if I do so. Its good to share, thanks

This is what I am waiting for mleigh. My mother's father, who I never heard a good word about growing up and barely knew, ended up the same way. And my NPD mother actually did care for him at the end. I mean, made sure his clothes were washed, his needs met, etc in the nursing home. Everybody there LOVED him.
Such a 'sweet old man'. He definitely had CRS. My mother, if I a lucky, will be the same way and I will visit her then and only then. Maybe she will think I am one of my two sisters, who she seems to adore (at least in their presence, because she has never had the ability to not stir up trouble and talk about everyone behind their backs). I just quit listening to it long ago, which caused her to absolutely rage at me, and who cares! She didn't give a rat's ass about me and once she vented she would for sure hang up on me and call someone else about me! She has poisoned everyone in our family, including my own NPD daughter, who continues the tradition. It is scary how strong that gene is. I call what I do 'going noodly'. Remember having little kids who are upset and when you try to pick them up they go completely limp? You can't do anything with them, because they are impossible to lift or move when they get completely loose. I have gone 'completely loose'. She can't irritate me, move me (emotionally), manipulate me. Nothing. The less I put myself out there, the less upset I am.

Amazing how many of us are in the same boat but refusing to sink with it ! The strangest thing...my hateful, narcissistic mother seems to have forgotten that she hates me (of course that could be just because she doesn't always remember who I am )... she even told me about 2 wks ago that I'm a good daughter and called me 'honey'...that has NEVER happened ! Maybe she just realizes I'm the only reason she's not in a nursing home yet. It's so so hard, emotionally, having to care for someone who was never willing to care for you...the resentment is huge but at least we know that we're not like her.
I wonder if you're right about 'that generation'...I'm 69, Mom is 91.

This is why my mom's in a memory care ward with no access to a telephone. I didn't give her a choice. My husband told her that she was moving and that was the way it was going to be - the end - no argument - and that's what we did.

The only thing that works is BOUNDARIES with barbed wire around them and a moat full of hungry gators. Adult children of narcissists are in a fragile place. Nobody but another insider will believe you. My mother put on a great show for others until these past few years when she couldn't keep it up anymore.
There were only a couple family who were perceptive to understand there's more going on than what she's saying and that what she reported on me didn't sound like truth. I was supposedly out hooking and selling drugs in junior high school. Nice mother. Very nice. I could not have been more opposite.

So, care in my home was 100% off the table. She gets far better care in a nursing home than she could anywhere else.

Meant 'inability to love (me)' on me....

My mother has been beyond difficult her entire life and focuses her rage and inability on me. All my life, being the oldest, my siblings have said "I never wanted them (both parents as my dad is very co dependent) to treat me the way they treated you". It's funny that my mother could always see the 'log in someone else's eye while never realizing she had one in her own'. I never heard one good thing about her father, my grandfather all of my life and by the time I basically left my hometown for good, he was a pretty elderly man, 'married' to his third wife (actually parents got a pastor to agree to stage a wedding in the form of a commitment type ceremony to a woman - both were in their late 80's - because she had a lot of money and he didn't and the financial repercussions would have been disastrous for the woman (both sides of the families were in agreement that this was the way to go). When the woman passed away after a couple of years, my grandfather was close to being out of money and was placed in a Medicaid paid facility. My mother was attentive to him I guess; I was long gone by then and really never knew him all my life. When he died I did not miss him as I had never really known him growing up. Having heard so many awful things about him and knowing the apple didn't fall far from the tree where my mother was concerned, I have decided that if she goes down the same path he did, perhaps I will see her before she dies. The people at the nursing home loved him. He was charming and sweeter as he grew more demented! I hope my mother does the same thing. As of now, I have nothing to do with her; my sister says she has dementia but she still has car keys and credit cards which my dad lets her indulge herself with freely. Nothing can be done, I guess, until God forbid she kills herself or somebody else because the entire family is in denial but me. I cannot fight city hall. My advice if you have an NPD person in your life, put them someplace warm and dry and do not continue to punish yourself as they would until you die. Be kind but don't be a martyr. I no longer thing I love my mother nor do I consider what she showed me all my life 'love'. My dad looked the other way forever and feigns ignorance. A therapist told me years ago 'he is in this up to his eyeballs'. Have a life.

I live across the pond in the UK and boy am I glad I found this particular post. I managed to find respite care for 6 weeks a year and today organised the first weekend I have had off in 3 years....mum has multiple dementias ....Vascular Dementia, Alzheimers and Lewy body dementias to be exact. She tells everybody how dreadful I am and how she is alone all day. I am in the house 24/7 and going stir crazy apart from 4 hours a week when she goes to church and a church club. Mum only got the diagnosis a week ago and the doctor told me this...
Your Mum's in the middle stages of these dementias and you need to be aware that the best and worst aspects of her personality will become highly exaggerated. He told me I was doing a brilliant job ...oh that meant SO much.
I know my mum always nagged my late father and would never let anything go until he did what she wanted and believe me she could keep this up for ages and now it is ten times worse. It has taken me 6 months to organise respite in a wonderful care facility but now she says I am horrible and that's putting it mildly and she doesnt want to go there. Having thrown her dinner on the floor (she hadsn't the strength to reach me but it was aimed in my direction) and then sulked for 2 hours I was on the point of saying OK I wont go (I have to say, if I am honest, that I was muttering to myself). Then I thought this is madness so I rang my daughter and vented.
My daughter is my godsend...I can vent to her whenever I need to and if it gets too much she comes down and is dead stright and emotionless when she tells her I NEED the break. Does my mother understand? No she doesn't. Does she care ....I have no reason to think so. Will she be difficult - you can bet your bippy she is going to be h*ll on earth for the next 3 weeks but I have made my decision - I am going away for a weekend come hell or high water and she IS going into a care facility so I can have some sanity restored into my life. AS THE CARER YOU NEED A BREAK - something that wil recharge your batteries. I am going to walk by the canal even if it does pour down with rain, I am going to eat a meal out, even if I am alone when I do it. I am going to sleep in a real bed with no chance of a bell ringing to wake me up. And to show I have retained my humour...the chances are if there is a fire in the hotel I will burn to death rather than respond to a blooming bell!!!!! 20 days and counting ...yipppee