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Oh, how your description of your mother's stubbornness touched me. It sounded just like my mother. Especially the part about staying in her own home and dying. It does no good to remind her that none of us gets to make that choice. I live with my mother and have been trying now for two and a half years to just get her to go to an assisted living for a respite stay while I go to visit my daughters. She always backs out at the last minute. Last try, I actually got her to stay for 5 hours! (but I was with her for 3 of those).
At this point I have to laugh. And give up on the assisted living for now. I'm sure it will take a serious fall (more so than the last one where she broke her pelvis, but refused to stay at the hospital for a few days even) to force her to make the transition.Thank you so much for sharing some of your story.
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Wow, there are so many of us out there. With so many different situations. I went to see my mom to day, just to tell the home health care nurse I will only be coming in on Mondays now to see her and she understood. I did not feed her lunch today like i usually do after we redress her foot wound, which by the way is actually getting smaller, so that is a minor miracle. When I don't have to visit her, or I should say when I decide not to, it is like a weight off my shoulders and i can breathe, if even just for a few moments. Meanwhile I get a call today from my best friend who said his 95 yr. old mother called him this morning at 7am because she was having chest pains so he spend the whole day in the hospital with her. She can still care for herself. So he mused that we should start a caregiving company and I told him he caught me on a day when I am no longer going to care so much for my mother and we laughed. He said this aging bit is for the birds. His mother will stay overnight for observation, but he does not have sibling support either, even though he has them. What is up with families???? I really don't think we see this in other cultures, but who knows. Anyway, keep those cards and letters coming. I really feel some kindred spirits out there
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I like jayduck's comment about "I have to laugh," because being able to laugh at the situation (which most of the time is profoundly un-funny) is a blessing.

Sdbike, if it makes you feel any better, just being with an aging parent whose condition you can do nothing about would wear anyone down. I know a very kind and patient Catholic priest, who spent most of his ministry as a hospital chaplain. You could not swing a rag doll in this community without hitting someone, Catholic or not, who would sing Fr. D's praises -- how good he was to their sick or dying loved one, how much comfort and support he brought to the family, what an excellent listener he is, how he was able to line them up with needed resources, etc. This same wonderful man had a mother who suffered from dementia, and she was eventually placed at a local NH with a memory care facility. He told me that the hardest thing he ever had to do was visit with his mother for one hour each day, which was how he used his daily break from the hospital. He said he never knew what he was going to find when he arrived for his visit. His mother struck caregivers, broke windows, and more. He said he couldn't wait to get back to his patients at the hospital.

About starting a caregiving company: My sister and I were talking just yesterday about how maybe we need to start an "old people's co-op" with ourselves and friends, where the members pool their resources, living together or close to each other, and hire staff to care for them! Like a 60's commune, but with "Depends" and daily prune juice.
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sdbike, people in other countries and cultures take excellent care of their elders, but I guess it's not a top priority here in the US. Pretty sad, isn't it?
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Cora, I think in some of those other cultures and other countries, women's lives are seen as worthy only of caregiving. Caregiving does not rise to the importance of being noticed by men. Single women especially are tasked with the care of elders. Unpaid of course. Not a rosy picture.

I have a career, a mortgage and my own retirement to tend to. My mom is being cared for in a nursing home, and we kids and grandkids visit.
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You all are awesome. Today I finally cleaned off my dining room table of all of mom's (and some of my) medical notices, bills, forms, insurance notices, info, medicare info on what was billed for and why, doctor's updates, assisted living billing notices or care increases, attorney and accountant bills, tax receipts and returns, and on and on and on. They have been sitting there for almost of year. I would always take care of any immediate situations or bills and a lot i do electronically, but just filing the paper, and unopened nuisance letters away and constantly being reminded that I handle someone else's life who is not with me, in my home, such as an infant or young child, was too much. I got a lot sleep last night and woke up feeling pretty good. I did not plan on tackling any of it, but I picked up one thing and then another and hours later I have it all cleaned up. It all started out with my brother calling and asking where all the old Super 8 mm films were of our parents and us growing up from 1957 on. I found them and then having ransacked through the whole house to find them it started me seeing all the clutter and memorabilia I have and so it went, and now I have a better grasp of what is going on in my house and vow to continue to purge. Trying to put me first and not my mother is the only thing that will get my life back. Wish me luck on my ongoing purge and getting out more.
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SD, good for you for taking steps!
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BarbBrooklyn: I agree!
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Good for you Sdbike! That was a good feeling to get that off your table and mind. Clutter can weigh heavy on us. I too get so tired of dealing with the paperwork of my dad and my own. Sounds like you are slowly getting a bit of your life back. I loved your comment to your friend.
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Still have not seen my mother and do not plan to until Monday. No calls from the facility and I have not called. It feels so freeing but I do feel about 1 or 2% guilt. I feel like I am saying a slow goodbye to my mom and telling her she has to realize I have to think about me too, even though I don't say that, just think it. I went to the gym for the first time in a long time today. And all I am doing is focusing on getting my health better for my 60th birthday trip around the world in 4 months. And I might get my scuba diving certificate to dive in the Maldives.
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Good for your sdbike! You are making great strides. I may even clean my dining room table off tomorrow because of your recent post.
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I too have "the dining room table" full of my mom's paperwork. Just when I spend 3 hours doing it, then the mailman brings the next batch, and she doesn't have any debts either. This is just all that it takes to pay for the multiple needs of the very elderly who has physical and mental challenges. And it's just not doing the bills, but it is budgeting the bills so that against the odds I can save her money to make sure she doesn't outlive her funds. But....her expenses are so high that I carry great worry about it. However, I did hire a senior financial consultant to see me (her) through to the best possible result when the money is gone. I think I've done everything I can to prepare for her future.
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momhelper123, i hear you. When I first got into this and was named the "everything", POA, Trustee, Executor, etc etc, I made a 20 year budget for my mother and what her expenses and income might be. She was 83 at the time. I laughed when i did that thinking I really only needed to to about 2 to 3 years worth. 8 years later I am now only doing a 1 year budget cuz I think I cursed myself by making it for 20 years. HA! The amount of paperwork is endless. My mother is not in debt either and while she theoretically will never need medicaid and I will be able to pay for her care out of her smart investments, it is me now that is making the decisions on those investments and trying to maintain and grow what is coming in, because every year the facility hikes it's care costs and room costs and then there are the myriad of unknowns, like renting a hospital bed all of a sudden, or hiring a staff member to accompany us on doctor's visits, or padding to be bought for the floor by the bed in case of a fall which was never a worry before. SO the stress alone of making sure sure there is enough money every day for who knows how long is tough. I cannot even imagine the poor people (bad choice of words) who can't afford good care, have to deal with medicaid or get sick themselves so who is going to take over. There are just so many variables that no one can ever teach you. Anyway, I am taking the next few days to help my 17 yr old niece navigate her way though the college application process because her father is putting too much pressure on her so she needs her "neutral" uncle to intervene. It will give me something else to do, to think about, to arrange which will be a welcome change of pace. Hang in there everyone.
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Just seeing this now sdbike - good for you! It's nice to hear that you are helping your niece. Sorry that you are still having to worry about the financial issues though. And don't "worry about the poor people" choice of words. My stepfather planned very well for my mom before he passed away however, since he is no longer here, and I was living in another state for 30 years, I let things stand as they were, and the investments are now not that great. Mom can afford at least one year in a memory care unit "Medicaid bed" which are few and far between. Thankfully, my lawyer is working on that end of it and also working to protect the assets she has. Please keep us posted!
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