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Update. If you have something unhelpful or rude to say just scroll on by. There are others out there that may not be posting but can learn from my situation. I have known great pain and stress, I took care of my terminally ill son until he died, my dad until he died and my best friend before she died so the comment about me not knowing real stress was rude. This situation with my neighbor was REAL stressful to say the least. I had another stressful talk with the son and it did not go well. I wanted to keep things friendly but I saw that he was not going to let it go in that direction so I just let it all come out. The son kept saying things like 'us' and 'we' like there was no separation between him and his mother and that told me that I am dealing with a really ill situation. The words between us were very tense but he did say out loud, You will never have this problem again. I said what I needed to say. Tonight at Mass the Priest was talking about how important it was to reach out to the elderly and how much love and care they need and how lonesome they are. I was in tears and then I remembered all the stalking and harassing and no I was not making this stuff up or wanting this kind of attention, I really did not know what to do and none of my friends had ever been stalked by an 84 year old woman and even the police laughed at me. I thank the people on here that gave genuine and sincere advice. There are many helpful people on here and I really appreciate your support. The wise words of 'she is picking up my compassionate vibe' really helped me get things into perspective..partsmom, You are so right, she is not getting proper care and that is why her son was probably so tacky to me, thinking that he will have to work harder or put her into assisted living soon and then have to live alone. The really sad part is that the 84 year old is driving a car and still does her own grocery shopping. This was a very ugly situation and a very sad one. No one can make the elderly woman go into assisted living and I am sure she will not go as long as her son is living with her. Both are so co-dependent on each other and keeping each other stuck and no one can do anything about it because she can pretend she is competent. (Taking a huge sigh of relief).
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daughterof4, I truly hope your talk results in no more stalking. Thanks for the update, and it would be great to hear from you again in a few months, with nothing to report!
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Dof4, you must have felt as though the priest was pointing at you personally. But this is called "broken leg syndrome": when you have a broken leg, you suddenly notice how many people there are wandering around with casts and leg supports and braces and things on, and they seem to be everywhere. So the parallel is that because your recent talk with your neighbour, and the whole situation with his mother, are uppermost in your mind the priest's sermon struck a particular chord with you. There's no supernatural sign about it, no personal message. It's a hot topic and you noticed it. And that's all.

We all feel compassion for the elderly and vulnerable in our communities. That doesn't make you personally responsible for every last one of them. You have a life to lead. If your neighbour has reasonable needs, you will meet them. Where she becomes hugely intrusive, that's inappropriate and you won't.

You're in the right, you know. This family has been taking advantage of your unusually generous and warm heart, and stopping them doing that has been incredibly difficult for you. I hope it won't change you, though. The world needs kind people. Hugs.
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Dof4, yes,there is a need for people to be kind to elders, to the mentally ill, to abandoned animals. YOU HAVE DONE YOUR PART!!!!!!!

In schools, we often tell teachers not to yell, because the child they're yelling at isn't listening and the sensitive kids are feeling that THEY are the ones who need to do better. The same obtains in your situation. You have a full plate. Your neighbor is someone else's problem from here on. Your priest will confirm that if you ask him. Hope this works out. Please take care of yourself.
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Honestly, she needs a full time caregiver, and she needs someone to hire. You need to focus on all of your issues, and your boundaries are extremely important.

It is time to go back to home base, and let her know that you have had to reevaluate your time management and that there is just not enough hours in the day for you to to everything like you once did because situations have changed, "or state something that a change has taken place" and that there is no way that you can assist her, but. . . I have some very good places and phone numbers for people whom you can call to assist you.

I do not know where you live. But it does sound like a situation where her son could be of very good use, and it is just not fair to you.

Good luck.
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Daughteof4

congratulations, you are doing the best you can for today, and that is all anyone can ask for.

you did not come to this post for judgement, to be labelled.

you came here whether it be one year or 20 years ago for help.
We are all human we process life differently.
Why would someone dare to ask if you like drama
you did not start out this post that you were a drama seeker and needed help.

be strong, people say things when they are confused, what I have learned more than anything on aging care. is for me to be mindful of the words I am using.

You know whom you are. No one here does, all we can do is give you advice and I say "be the best person you can be, yes she is toxic, and if you had black mold in your house what would you do, MOVE OUT. SO if she is TOXIC, MOVE AWAY NOT PHYSICALLY,
DO NO ANSWER THE PHONE
THE DOOR
DO NOT SPEAK TO THE SON
HIS MIND IS ELSEWHERE
CALL THE POLICE
AFTER YOU HAVE WARNED HER IN WRITING TO NOT DISTURBE YOU
THIS IS SERIOUS
YOU WERE NICE
BEING ASSERTIVE IS TRULY BEING ASSERTIVE
DO IT YOUR WAY
WHETHER OR NOT IT TAKES A YEAR, BUT REMEMBER, THE SOONER THE BETTER AS LONG TERM STRESS IS NOT GOOD FOR ANYONE EVER.

ONE DAY AT A TIME, ONE STEP AT A TIME.

YOU WILL FEEL VERY RELIEVED WHEN YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED YOUR GOALS.
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I'm just sending a hug your way, I sense the confrontation with the son was almost as difficult as putting up with the abuse. I sincerely hope he is able to influence her behaviour. As the others have posted, you have done all you can. Pray for her and leave it in god's hands.
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OMG. Well, not quite the sermon you needed to hear, or maybe it was in a backwards kind of way. You actually did reach out - you tried to communicate honestly that this woman's needs were more than you could handle and limits had to be set. And, the ideal you used to hold out - that the elderly needed love and care and no limit ever on how much of that you are responsible for personally, no matter their behavior if they were not physically beating you over the head with a cane or a walker - well, now you know better. Maybe you could talk privately with the guy who delivered that sermon. Sure, there are people neglecting elders out there who have no excuse - but you are not one of them. I used to feel terribly sorry for anyone who got no visitors in a nursing home, and in a way I still do - but now I know, mostly from being on here, there are two sides to some of those stories. Praying for peace in your situation, for you and for the elderly woman and son who unbeknownst to them are not really coping well with a tough situation...
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Hey. Try this. Just the preview of the book give one hope! amazon/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your
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Thank you all again for the wonderful help. The book that you just recommended sounds good vstefans, and it comes from a spiritual background. Detaching from my neighbor is such an important part of survival.
Years ago I too felt sorry for the elderly that were in the hospital and had no visitors but now I see things very differently. My mother's room mate was 89 and had one son that lived far away but she always had plenty of company and people from her Church visiting her. She was a precious woman and we always had her with us as we celebrated with my mom. She was my mom's roommate at the nursing home and when she passed it was painful for all of us. No one can take the place of Elizabeth..So many different personalities but they have each other. My mother continues to go up and down with her heath, last week they were thinking of putting her into hospice but then when my brother or I visit her she gets well again. My mother seems to have a lot of friends and company and she has started to become man crazy but does not want a man that is 'bent'. She tells me in detail the type of man she is looking for..

The weird part about my situation with my neighbor is that I feel bad and in reality I did not do anything wrong except try to get my neighbor out of my skin. She tried to control my days and wanted a full account to each move I made. I know I already wrote that in another post but that is out of control controlling and also to a neighbor. The way it was left was ugly and not peaceful. Now the ugly part of getting our keys returned to each other.. My husband is a lot like me wanting to keep the peace and keeping harmony but the situation was so awful..
The son kept saying 'she is just a very friendly person, that is all just very friendly. I said I am a very friendly person too but it was way too much for me.. My friends that know me well say 'If that neighbor crossed the line with you she must have really been F%^$&^ up since my door and heart is open to most anyone and I do go out of my way to help. I know I am in the right, my family and other witnesses have witnessed her constant fixation on me but still I feel bad that it all has come down to this. As the wise words of cwilie said 'pray about it and put it all in God's hands. Amen.
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If everyone was like your Elizabeth, this board would be a very different place! But no, if you judge form the numbers of posts here more are like your neighbor and maybe even more like your mother. :-)

So, you even had each other's keys? Oops. Post office. Return reciept. Little note that says sorry it did not work out. Change your locks if you don't get your keys back, soon. The guy is upset that he can't just keep counting on the kindness of strangers instead of doing the tough work of deciding and implementing the best possible care for this person. Understandable but necessary to show him where the boundary is here. The line between "friendly" and "stalking, harassing, and draining" was crossed a long time ago, and not by you. You crossed a diferent line - your was from "friendly" to "enmeshed" out of a slightly overgrown sense of false guilt and responsibility. The bad feeling will pass. Breathe. Cry a little. You can't help but feel unsure of yourself as you are in the unfamiliar territory of have to set reasonable limits on unreasonable people, when you used to believe that if you loved people there did not need to be any boundaries or limits at all. Growth hurts sometimes.
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Dof4 -you have done nothing wrong and have no good reason to feel bad about what you have done, except perhaps that you have not protected yourself enough, and thus experienced much pain. Your neighbour is not just friendly - she is sick. I think Vikki's suggestion about key return is a good one. Allow no more contact with either of them. Yes, it is too bad that it has come to this, but some people are not healthy. I have a mother who is not mentally healthy and have had to greatly reduce contact. Too bad yes, but necessary for my welfare and I carry no guilt about it. Letting go and letting God is good. Take care of you. (((((((Hugs))))))
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Your neighbor is definitely stalking and harassing - no question. It just looks a little different that what is usually understood by that, that it, it is not out and out threats, etc. But it is stalking, it is aggression and YOU certainly should not feel guilty in any way.
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I found a very good youtube video called How to set boundaries as an empath and learn to say No byEvita Ochel. It is hard being an empathic person sometimes and God knows I am one. rovana, you are right, just because there were no out and out threats it was different. I looked up stalking and it said anyone that continues to follow you or call unwanted and you have told them to stop, is stalking. When I have told my trusted friends about this horrible situation they have a smile on their face and say 'she is old, what can she do?' They have not been on the receiving end of this beast. The 84 year old woman is aggressive enough to cause a lot of damage and she already has caused major spiritual damage that I am working through. When ever she was around I felt as if she was a major plug and had to suck my energy so she could live. I truly believe in spirit vampires. At first I wanted to be a good neighbor and welcome her into our neighborhood but I picked up on the using vibe when after I permed her hair she asked me to wash her windows. The perm and curl took about 3 hours. I had to get home to do my work. She was labor intensive. I agree that she needs to hire a full time care giver but better yet get herself into assisted living. My phone is not her hospital call button and I am certain she will ring that bell to the point it will drive everyone crazy where ever she ends up. Every time I get to feeling sorry for her and ask myself did I do the right thing, the truth is that my soul felt like it was getting acid poured on it every time she was around so in order to survive I most certainly did the right thing by getting her completely out of my life. I have not see either one of her daughter's at her house for a very long time but if she does them the way she did me there is no way I would visit. Thanks for the support and love. I felt your big hug emjo23 and sorry to hear that your mother is not mentally healthy. I talked to my mom yesterday and she was clear as a bell. My mother is not stuffy so she is entertaining. She can be mean on some days but all I say to her is that she is blowing the candle relationship out and she stops it and she does apologize. I have seen healthy changes in my mother since she has gone to a nursing home. My mother use to tell me off about my Catholic faith but now goes to Bible study and I believe that is what has helped her the most. My grandmother was dyed in the wool Catholic and since I was my grandmother's biggest fan I was Catholic too and still am. My grandmother died at age 81 and was the most intelligent and kind person I have ever met. She came from a very wealthy family but they lost everything in European wars. She taught that love and kindness was all there really is. I miss her all the time... I always felt her love, it was in her eyes, her touch and in her words and actions.
It was hard putting up with my elderly neighbor and I felt she really did not like me but pretended to so she could get more work out of me. Life is short, fragile and unpredictable. I have learned a lot and I do understand that I have to get out of my comfort zone to learn more. Handling my stalking neighbor with love certainly did not work and sucked me dry.. Yes vstefans, growth sometimes does hurt. In most cases when I do not want to be bothered the person usually gets the hint but this woman saw that I was not aggressive and took full advantage. I did use a strong voice a while back when I told her I could not talk with her on a daily basis, hell sometimes it was 3 times a days she would call. I know I have posted most of what I have repeated today but I know it is part of the filtering system to get it out and start a healing process..Thank you all for being there! I have looked into stalking web sites for support but it was mostly men stalking women, and no one over the age of 80. It's crazy on many levels and so grieving for me to me on the end of it. rovana, I do believe it was aggression and she became frustrated that I was not willing to be her slave. The up tight, stuffy, self righteous stuff that makes her 'her' is something I do not ever want to deal with again.
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Update..Well the phone calls and door knocks have stopped for now. When my obnoxious neighbor first moved in she asked me where I got my hair cut. I gave her the name of the girl that I have been using for many years. I decided to let my hair grow long so I have not seen my hair stylist for a while (over 8 months) and I went to see her a few days ago. She told me that my neighbor has been been coming to her shop to have her hair done but comes in there almost everyday to chit chat and ask about where and what I have been doing. My hair stylist said that my neighbor comes in there and bugs the customers asking them personal questions and talking politics. My hair stylist is much more aggressive and outspoken than I have ever been and she is having a hell of a time getting rid of my neighbor. My hair stylist is going through the same h*ll as I did trying to get her to leave her alone. This has really been hard on my hair stylist and she is at odds to what to do. I told her about all I had to do and my hair stylist said that she has never been in such an uncomfortable situation. My hair stylist is a woman that I thought was a ruff and tough person but this situation even has her baffled. It is extremely grieving to have to tell a 84 year old woman to leave you the hell alone. When I talked with my hair stylist about this she was shaking and said, at least she is not next door to me, it would drive me crazy. My hair stylist said she drives by her salon 3 to 4 times daily probably looking for me, to see if she can run into me at the salon. My neighbor has all this weird wild energy where she can get into her car and harass people. My neighbor has a maid and a yard person so there really is not anything left for her to do but harass. I have suggested volunteering or doing something productive but her mind is bent on talking to people about politics and making them listen to each and every word and not letting them get away without causing stress. Now I feel bad for my hair stylist. So far I have had peace at my home.. Learning to set my limits to new levels.
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Update. Since my neighbor has been out of my life for a few months I feel deep down healthy again. The keys to my house and hers have been returned. My husband took back the key and wanted to say 'there is a huge difference between care giving and being a neighbor but thought my elderly neighbor and her son would not understand. My neighbor was gigantic grief. Yesterday she saw me outside and was staring at me, I did not even look over, no way, no eye contact, I don't ever want to open that bag of worms, or bag of B*** S*** ever. It is uncomfortable for me to come and go and see them outside and have to pass them. I walk in the mornings and somethings I have to walk pass them, many times I take a long route so I don't have to walk pass them.. I know she still watches me like a hawk but the door knocks and phone calls have come to a halt. My neighbor stalking me has left me feeling odd and very careful to who I let into my life, I was always careful but now I look at people different.

My own mother is now 91 and is getting tired. My last visit with her was a bit stressful because she will not do anything to help herself. She has a wound that will not heal because she will not get off her butt. She has the strength to do many things, stand walk etc but has become super lazy and will even tell you she is lazy. Her body is still working well but her mind is failing.

With all this stress and other life stress, the grief of my neighbor stalking me was overwhelming and damaging. I wish they would move. I am positive my neighbor will be harassing another person that is not as compassionate or kind and will really give it to her hard. My noisy stalking neighbor is thinking about making another try at talking to me but I am quick to get into my house and I cut anything off at the quick.. Awful.
Each night when I go to sleep at night I say 'Thank you God that my neighbor was not in my life calling or coming over. Each day that she is not in my life is a day of celebration. Sometimes it is who is NOT in your life that makes life better.
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I am so sorry this is such ongoing torture. I'm actually hoping the "other person" who is less compassionate (i.e. less willing to put up with invasive, inappropriate behavior) is not hypothetical. Wishing they would move - or make a move to find her a more appropriate environment - won't make that happen, but police reports and orders of protection might. You are still a prisoner to an extent...the stalking and glaring really are bordering on the criminal. I hope the extra walks to go the long way are giving you some pleasure and/or extra exercise that makes you feel better.

But your mom- the "lazy" is just a reflection of her waning cognitive powers in a way; she does not really grasp the reason behind doing things that require effort or seem uncomfortable in any way, so they just don't do them unless you can trick them into it. They should be able to provide for a pressure relief cushion and matters for the wound, and maybe make sure her diet is reasonable with protein and nutrients she needs to heal too. Sorry you are going through so much for so long!
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Thank you vstefans. I realize that I am still a prisoner to an extent but I will take this over what had been going on for the past year. I have no idea why someone would want to watch me so closely, I work, go to Church, visit my mother, grocery shop, ride my bike and volunteer. That must be so very very exciting to my neighbor. I do realize that stalking is a serious criminal act and I also realize that a person has to be mentally ill to continue it. Yes, the extra walking route does give me more exercise.

My mother is in wonderful nursing home. The nurses do all that you mentioned, the relief cushion, the special protein drinks along with extra vitamins and turning her over and she has a specialized wound nurse to come and address her wound on her bottom. She does not want to move or stand and there is just too much pressure on her would even though it is being looked after. Deep down I am scared to lose my mother to death but it is selfish of me to ask her stay just because I don't want to lose her. If she wants to pass on I will have to respect that but it really is scary for me even though she is 91 and has lived a good long life. My dad's death was very painful for me and he died at age 83. My main concern is that she is feeling well and not in pain. Other than the wound on her bottom she is in great health. Thank you all for your support.
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Update. It has been so nice NOT having my invasive neighbor in my life. I have run into her at the grocery store and other places and I just look down and keep walking. My husband waved to her. Both my husband and I are uncomfortable with not being friendly but with her the alternative is being stalked. Even though a few months have passed it still troubles me when I see her and her grown son. I am getting ok with the feeling of having to shun her to save my private space. In real life I am an open book, my home is welcoming to many, and I am not a private person but my neighbor stalking was way over the line of my comfort. As long as they live next door I will have some level of uncomfortable unless one of us moves. I have noticed since I am out of her life she all of a sudden is healthy doing all the things she wanted me to do for her. I think that is why I felt such resentment because I felt her helplessness was not genuine and I felt used and abused by her. Time does heal and I will be glad when I get my summer cabin in the mountains and will not have to deal with her or her son for at least 4 months at a time. I once read that the best way to get rid of someone is to stay as busy as you can. This works for most people but the busier I became the most demanding she was of me, her stalking became even more intense and I could not get away fast enough. It was awful. I will be completely done with this when I do not have to see her or her son on a daily basis, leaving their house or at the stores. I have had to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable around them. Wonderful support on this site. Thank you.
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I am living almost the same with my neighbor(s), yes, more than one!
They are not stalking me, necessarily, but these elderly women are intrusive into the lives of others.
Here is a warning: When you first meet someone as a stranger, and in the same breath they explain the reason for moving into your neighborhood was that they were being stalked where they lived before, avoid that person, save yourself!
This is not to mean that you, daughter of 4, are anything like my neighbors.
I am going to take time to read this entire post, but from what I have learned, it ends up being a civil matter in court, with he said, she said issues confusing the matter, it then becomes a circus with the plaintiff becoming the accused!
You are right to do as you have done, avoidance 100%. The loyalty of your husband would help also. He appears to be a weak link, an open door for your neighbor to gain access. A video/show on youtube explained that stalkers, (even a case a woman stalking a woman), are criminal predators that can do a lot of damage, even into the future. So sorry that you went through this, I know first hand how this changes you, how uncomfortable this is, ongoing into the future.
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Thank you Sendme2help. It has been a long hard road.. I still avoid my front yard because I don't want them to see me. You will understand this entire drama if you can make it through all the posts..I could not believe the demands of my time my neighbor was putting on me and pretending she could not do all the things she was doing. The constant interruptions and phone calls and knocking on my door CONSTANTLY was enough to drive a person crazy. I need to talk to my husband about not waving. Deep within our characters, my husband and me we pride ourselves with being open, caring, friendly helping people. This has been very hard for us but it had to be stopped. Never do I want to be in that position again and if I do think I am getting into that position I will nail it shut. The ongoing grief is when I see them coming or going or running into them. I so wish they would move. I have already felt the damage of being stalked and the aftermath of not trusting people I meet and always in the back of my mind asking myself if this person has the potential to stalk me.. I know someday I will have complete peace again when I come and go from my home. Good luck with your situation and I would like to read more about it.
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FLEE EVIL.
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Update. It has been 3 months since my last update. The ucky neighbors still live next door. I have not made any personal communication with them but when I am in my front yard working, my neighbor will pull her car out into the drive way, sit in there and go back into her home. I try to ignore this but it does bother me so I just go into the back yard. I will still go around the block to avoid being seen by them. 2015 has been a trying year. Many odd and grieving things have happened but nothing as awful as my neighbor stalking me. When I rate my other stress it is pail in comparison. My mother is in hospice and is doing well there. I will see her very soon. She has lost a lot of weight and continues to lose weight. The nurses say she is doing ok.
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Reading Your post I thought Your first big mistake was becoming too free with Your new Neighbour. It's best to be civil and strange otherwise You would draw Them on You, and that's exactly what has happened. I know Your elderly Neighbour is 84 years, and You very lightly fealt sorry for Her, but I'd say that You would be better off making Yourself scarce from now on, and DO NOT MOVE stand Your ground as You will be in Your home long after Your Neighbour's are gone.
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You are letting her take your time. She treats you that way because you allow her to. No need to get ugly. Just say "I've got to go now" and then walk away or hang up the phone. Do this enough and she'll probably stop. If she doesn't then you'll have to be honest with her and tell her she's offending you. There's nothing wrong with telling someone 'No' and walking away. Good luck!
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NYDaughterinLaw, I did all that you had wrote about but the stalking started and it was most stressful. The 'I got to go now' did not work, the telling her I don't have time, I have to work did not work the saying 'NO' 100 times did not work and then the stalking kicked in and it was horrible. She was bond and determined to put herself into my life and did not stop until I had a talk with her son, that was very stressful but so far it is ok.
I know there are other people in this situation but are afraid to ask for advice because they get bombarded with some ugly comments and they are so stressed out they do not know where to turn. I do hope the people that really needed advice could look over some of the ugly advice and read the important move ahead stuff. I had to go beyond my nature to make the stalking stop and it was dreadful since I really enjoy and serve several elderly people. As time went on I now think this older woman was a psychopath, she really gave me the creeps. It was more than just mental illness. I do hope they move soon.
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