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It's sad to have to accept the fact that there are people in your life that are just horrible people. Especially when they're relatives. It's totally up to you whether or not to provide your sister with information. Like others have said, I would make it brief, limited and to-the-point. If her intrusion into your and your mother's lives would be upsetting to EITHER one of you then go no contact. She is a daughter only in the genetic sense and she gave up her right to information and a relationship with the two of you a long, long, time ago
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I would agree - its not what you are obligated to do, but what will keep you out of hot water. Give them unequivocal evidence that everything is on the up and up and confirm that yes, Mom has a progressive condition and is not going to get better, and will need lifelong care which needs to be funded. They can read between the lines that they missed their chance to be involved in providing support, and hopefully realize that in middle class families, getting an actual inheritance is a pretty rare event nowadays.
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Ask them to come and visit, but do not let them do so unsupervised. Tell them nothing. I am not saying this to be mean, but the law requires a POA to maintain confidentiality about ALL aspects of finances and medical items. Simply cite the law. Have a nanny cam running to prove you were perfectly accommodating to them. They will accuse you of lying cheating and stealing. Video is your friend.
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To answer your questions Freqflyer, I honestly don't think so. She had made comments in the past that she wanted my parents house and that she should be the one to get the house because I'm married and she's not, whatever that means. But to your point, I believe she stayed away because she didn't want to have to help take care of mom and deal with the stress.

Thank you Christine73, to you and all the people that give such great supportive answers! It's strange but it has helped me to just read the answers on this site/forum and the only people who truly know how hard it is to watch your loved one deteriorate like this are the one's who've experienced it first hand. My mom isn't "perfect" but was always there for me when I needed her and I just want to make sure she's safe and happy. I am definitely trying to keep good records and I'm thankful to have the resources that it takes to make sure she has the best care possible.
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I'm in a similar boat with my non-existent sister. 6 visits in the last 15 years! When sis realized I was going to give up mom's rent controlled NY apartment, she was livid. I asked her if she wanted it. She did. She wanted to keep it without paying the rent or utilities and life doesn't work that way. Now she's upset and not speaking to me, so basically, no change in our relationship. I told her mom was in a NH. I gave her the address and phone numbers. I told her I had to give up the apartment and dispose of the stuff, which she knew I'd have to do. She kept making promises, but never lifted a finger to help. If I were you, I'd be so tempted to ask sis why she was so interested now, but had never previously lifted a finger to help her mom. I'm sorry to say she doesn't sound like a very nice person and I'm sorry you have lost her, as I have lost my selfish sister.

You don't owe her anything. Use your discretion. If she's poison, protect your mother from her. If she's just harmless and selfish, you can give her your mom's contact info, but you might want to first ask mom if she wants to hear from your sister. I did, and I was surprised when my mother said no. Either way, you are NOT wrong. Thank God your mother has someone like you in her life.
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I like kathy's idea of a short email to cover your butt later. I wonder if she'll back off once she knows that the money is in trust, solely for the care of your mom. You're already keeping good records of spending for your mom, and making paper copies (and saving to thumbdrive) of all emails. I'm sorry you're dealing with this nonsense on top of the real things in your life.
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Sometimes I wonder if a sibling is using tough love to get the elderly parent to finally move to a retirement community..... but there will be one sibling who refuses to do that and thus keeps caring for the parent in the parents own home.

Denverfan, do you think maybe that is what was going on with the *estranged* family members? Now that Mom is safely placed in a retirement home, everyone can now breath a sigh of relief.
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I would text back: "Mom now lives at (insert name of AL). Address is ..

Then inform AL that your sister can not visit without notifying you first...

I know sister lives in other state, but you never know what she's capable of when $ is involved...
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I'm sorry to say, and I have to agree with what some of the others said that it is indeed about the inheritance. Your sister now realizes that she has something to gain by coming back into the picture (money) and that is why she is now trying to represent herself as a concerned family member. Speaking for myself, I would not contact her. When I was younger I thought siblings should have a lifelong relationship, but since dealing with my siblings, I have changed my opinion. You and your mother sound wonderful, and I understand how hard it is dealing with difficult siblings. It is unfortunate that we cannot choose our siblings.
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Your answers are so spot on and have really helped me today!! I just realized that my profile still says my mom lives with us. We recently moved her to a wonderful assisted living nearby and she is very happy. It provides us the opportunity to see her daily, take her on walks, bring her favorite snacks and gives us peace of mind. I visit her each day and so does my family. I help her shower, do her hair and take her to doctor visits. She visits our home too but honestly she likes her place so much she makes me promise her, often that I will not make her move from there. It is not out of the question that she may come to live with us again some day but right now I felt that she is in a very happy and safe environment.
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I think the idea of a brief email is a good idea, if shows proof that they were kept in the loop. But I would leave out the part about you being grateful they show an interest. Because they don't.

You tell them how busy you are, you can mention that the sale of the house is going towards mom's care, and you say any help they could provide would be appreciated(that's usually enough with these types to get them to back off).

And I am serious about recording phone calls if that is legal in your state, but that I mean recording without them knowing they're being recorded.

I know of case that went to court over a will dispute and the caregiver recorded her brother(unknown to him) saying he didn't care if the sister took mom out in the backyard and shot her(lovely isn't it), but it was proof and horrified the judge.

When you're dealing with scum, you have to be on the ball.
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Some families are not close, my dad's family is like that. I find that anytime there is money involved, people come out of the wood work. This could be the case. You are not obligated to give them updates, however it would be courteous to do so, but I wouldn't go out of my way and I'd only send an update if she declined. I don't think anyone is going to think it in 'bad taste' if you do not give updates. They didn't care enough to check or assist her when she was in her home, why are they bothering now? Too bad I say. You have to do what is right for you and your mom in this situation. Family members can cause a lot of problems, it's good you are keeping things legal. Keep a journal with your mom's changes, keep all receipts for any money you spend for her care including foods etc. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging to see if she qualifies for in home assistance, they should also have caregiver assistance programs as well. Look into an adult medical day care for your mom, it can be a great place and it gives you a break. I know how difficult it is taking care of someone. Good luck.
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sorry about the last typo bit my I must have hit those keys(?)
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So far, all of your answers are absolute right and yes, I need to find a way to give up the hate but I'm not sure how to do that just yet. To respond to some of your comments, yes, I do believe they are only interested now because the house sold. Everything is in a trust solely for my moms care and they are actually named as part of the beneficiaries if my mom should pass away. And to answer your question why the relationship is so bad... my sister has always been estranged from the family off and on. She has an explosive temper and if you do not do or respond how she thinks you should she will cuss you out. Since my dad passed away from cancer 9 years ago she has maybe seen or been involved with my mom for a total of one year and it was very bad. My mother was ill and she would raise her voice and gripe her out to get out of bed and do something productive. She would cuss me out via phone and text so that is why I finally stopped talking to herio125
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You aren't wrong, but it isn't smart either. Send a brief email to every sibling with details of move, where Mom is located. Say that the house sale proceeds are for Mom's care. Then state that you are very busy, if they want any more details please visit Mom. Then say your grateful for the interest, and could really use their help. Ask them how will they help with Mom's care, money, respite etc. Ask for details and firm commitments. Keep a copy for when they try to take you to court.

On a personal level give up the hate. Try to keep love in your heart, concentrate on love of Mom, and forget the siblings. I struggle every day with the hate, as they come back from their week vacations, and think 2 hours a week when convenient is a help. It just sucks the joy out of living. Good luck I think you are a wonderful loving person. I hope life rewards you with much happiness.
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I'd say to h*ll with your sister. I'm curious. How did your relationship get so bad with sib. I agree with other comment,it's got to be about money.
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Despite your differences, other children (in my opinion) are entitled to know. You might send the briefest of messages that Mom's health is deteriorating with age and she now lives closer to you so you can keep an eye on her.

The energy of contemplating this question just gives you more negative energy. Make it brief and quick and move on with mom's care.
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First off, you sound like a great daughter.

No, you're not wrong. You know why they're concerned? The house was sold. It's about the $$$$$$. I would get copies of those texts and let your mother's lawyer know what is going on. I also would record(yes that's right record) any phone conversations. Find out if that is legal in CO first, or whatever state you're in.

They're horrible people, as soon as you said "sold the house"...that's there concern. Of course they don't want to know how you or your mom are, they're concern is where is that money from the sale.

Best of luck.
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