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Were not sure if she actually thinks she's stealing when she does it, or maybe she thinks she has the right to eat anything she wants.


We have a camera in the kitchen because we were because we were concerned that one of them was stealing pain pills. And we recently notice the same worker we were supicous about will eat help her self to food without asking (I glance at the footage from time to time). Well today I noticed the last muffin from a container was missing, and I glanced at the footage to discover that she had eaten a muffin, two sausage links (she apparently cooked four when my mom asked for two), a pancake, cookies, and two puddings (she said the fridge was mess and she wanted to clean it even though not was just cleaned by someone else). How do I know how many she ate (I checked the receipts in my email to see how many were in the package, and I also noticed pudding cups on the top of the trash... neither were open before today.

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Anyone that helps me care for my mother and grandmother can eat whatever they want. We live on a tight budget, but do not lack for food. I want those that care for my family to feel like family. Medicine is another story. There should be no question there.

It sounds like you don’t trust this person in general. I would look for someone that you trust.
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If she didn't ask permission, she might be socially off, or perhaps was trained badly and never corrected-or she might not have any respect at all for her patient's right to ownership. That will affect other areas of care too. I think, if one can afford it, it's nice to keep snacks, crackers, jam, chips, cookies, fruit an urn with hot water and fixings for coffee available for the aides. If possible, in a separate area, on a desk, a corner of a room, somewhere separate from the patient's things. For a two to three hour shift, I don't think a meal is required, but offering a snack, a drink, fruit at the end of the shift, or perhaps coffee if it starts very early is hospitable. Especially if the aide is pleasant and treats her patient kindly, I'd be sure to have something, at least available. But there have been aides who's stock up on those snacks on the way out-not one or two for the road but enough to give their kids, too. In that case, just in order not to encourage a bullying nature, I'd limit the snack bags and offer
less portable snacks, less tempting, too.
But if the aide helps herself from the refrigerator and cupboards without asking permission, and feels entitled to do so, I'd be leery of trusting, her across the board. Respect for a person includes respect for property, respect for privacy, respect for age.

I've found that those people who don't respect a patient's property, don't at least ask for permission -acknowledging the owner of the property is not themselves- before helping themselves or opening drawers, doors etc. are also (often) missing kindness, empathy and compassion in general, and imo don't especially cherish human life, unless of course it's their own.
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I can’t believe that you consider two sausage links or a single muffin stealing.
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It truly sounds as if you aren’t pleased with the caregiver.

I asked earlier if this was an employee from an agency or if you hired her privately. So far, I haven’t seen a response.

If this is an agency, speak to them and let them handle it. If you hired her privately, you should speak to her if you are dissatisfied with her eating.

My mom did not object at all to the caregiver that we had from Council on Aging eating with her. She enjoyed the company. I always provided snacks, drinks and lunch or dinner for her.

Unless your budget doesn’t allow for it, consider having something for her to snack on.

I am curious. Are there other reasons that you aren’t happy with her?

I think this may be a personality clash of sorts. Please correct me if I am off base. Other than budget, what is your objection to her eating? Do you feel she is unprofessional? A food addiction?

Do you like her otherwise? I would want my mom’s caregiver to be happy and content. Do you feel it is important for her to be satisfied with her job in your home?
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So caregiver 2-3 hrs per visit & your not budging on sharing foodstuffs.

Set her time to fall between 1:30PM - 3:30/4:30PM so definitely after lunch & before dinner. And at no point in this time period does mom have a meal made for her or get a snack given to her by the caregiver. You make sure mom has eaten way way WAY before caregiver shows up too. & you reset moms bedside water pitcher and snack/fruit box. So there is absolutely no reason for caregiver to ever enter kitchen and open a single cabinet. And you inform her in writing that she is responsible to bring in all foodstuffs she might need during her shift.

I’ll bet that you’ll need to find a new caregiver in short order.
Personally I think you being petty on CG eating here & there from moms pantry. FFS she’s not taking a pork tenderloin pack from the frig, roasting it and taking half home.... she’s not putting a jar of pesto sauce in her purse. Ime, “Help”, especially if they’re experienced domestic help - whether paid with FICA or more casually under the table- expect as a perk of the job to have a meal or share a meal. And snacks too. And tune the TV to their stories. There’s a real give & take in dealing with staff successfully. And if you want happiness with your “help” & your household, you give them a gift card from local grocery store that also sells liquor for Thanksgiving, Christmas and Mother’s Day.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2020
Great reply!
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So she only works 2 or 3 hours and she needs to eat? If she makes ur Mom a meal, I can see no problem in making herself somethingto eat too. Mom may enjoy someone having dinner with her. In this period of time, she is not entitled to a break.
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We loved our CG with dad, and she was here 3 days a week for about 9 hours. We wanted her to feel comfortable and "part of the family".. and she became so. She would eat here sometimes, but more often she really would bring things she cooked from her home, and to share with them! Soup, baked goods,, you name it! She was supposed to cook lunch for them, but Mom wanted to do it, so she was not able to very often. Her way was to bring them things! I guess for us it was more about keeping a loved CG happy and involved, and willing to stay ! She was so great we wanted to hire her as a full time housekeeper ( like Alice on the brady Bunch) but the buy out of her contract was way too high. Dad sadly passed, but when Mom needs care we will be trying to get her back. If you like the CG,, and you can afford the food.. keep her happy!
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I would discuss it with her and be upfront. Make her aware you are monitoring with a camera. She should not be eating the food unless she has permission to do so.
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Well, you'd better talk to her about it, hadn't you?

I can't imagine that anyone in somebody else's home would think she "had the right" to help herself to food, any more than to anything else that didn't belong to her. But she is entitled to be treated with some practical consideration. If she's had no break and she's making lunch for your mother, for example, it's rather hard to expect her not to touch a thing, isn't it? - she'd have to be very self-disciplined.

How long is her shift?
What breaks is she entitled to?
If she is there for more than (say) three or four hours, you must schedule a break and she should bring her own packed meal.

I don't know what your state's domestic employment laws might say, but as a matter of common hospitality, even though the caregiver may not be *entitled* to these, it would be a bit stingy not to allow her to help herself to coffee and even perhaps a cookie or two.

Speaking personally, I used to invite my respite caregiver to share my mother's light lunch and she usually did, though never taking it for granted (she always brought her own lunchbox); but this was more to do with social graces than workers' rights. My mother would have felt very uncomfortable eating by herself with someone else in the room.

You'd better also advise her that the home is monitored and it can plainly be seen if she takes food for herself. There is no problem with monitoring, but there certainly could be a problem if people are not made aware of it.

So how goes it with the pain pill investigation?
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Havefaith0621 Nov 2020
Shes only there 2-3 hours.
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Tell her to please refrain from eating food, she needs to bring her own food, and to stop wasting food.   If mom asks for two, two it is.

I hire through an agency, they are NOT allowed to eat her food.  this had nothing to do with giving breaks.  
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In my State for nonUnion employees there are no laws concerning breaks. If your employer is allowing u 10 to 15 every couple of hours, he is being nice.
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worriedinCali Nov 2020
Well the OPs profile doesn’t say she’s in NJ so her boss could just easily be breaking the law by only allowing 10-15 minute breaks. It’s entirely possibly the boss isn’t being nice at all.....
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I’d check your states laws for required break times & for meals. It may be that they are allowed a 30 min meal break after 5 consecutive hrs. If your in a state that’s kinda pro-Union, or has significant industries that have Union workers, there's gonna be something by law required for meals / break times for workers.

Please pause to think if your caregiver is working a 6-8 hr day, eating from your frig. during the day is way way better than them leaving for 30 min to run to a drive thru or walk to the park to eat a bagged lunch they bring in.

If your mom likes this caregiver, I’d figure out a way not to make this an issue. That caregiver can find another job & walk out.
Perhaps go to Costco & buy a tub of chicken salad / egg salad, bread, bag of oranges, dz cans of soup and that’s what caregiver makes for lunch for mom & her. You set the menu and buy what can work for your moms budget. Plus it gives them a shared experience to talk about..... like whether chicken noodle is better than chicken & rice.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2020
This is sensible advice. I provided snacks and meals for mom’s caregivers.
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I have no idea about your mom's budget but we have always shared food with our caregivers. My dad, mom and an aunt have caregivers, my mom only part time help. I know that some of the caregivers have very limited incomes and have hardships. They are kind enough to cook nice meals for my family and they are welcome to anything they want. Lucky for me my husband is a wonderful thrifty shopper and gets a lot for the money. We wanted to promote an atmosphere of teamwork with our family. Your mom may have told her sitter to help herself. The relationship often becomes very close. My aunt (91, dementia) worries about food for the ladies. She was a generous hostess in her younger days and still sees herself as a hostess.
My husband and I fill many pill sorters at a time and set only one out each week. The bottles and extra sorters are hidden.
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Do the other aides eat your food? Are you on a strict budget? If so, then I would use that as my excuse. That food is bought to last a certain time. (Maybe because you can only shop once a week) That sorry, but Mom can only afford food for herself. Or, that you can supply lunch but no other meals. Or you can supply breakfast but aide needs to bring her own lunch. Really, she is only there 8 hours and she needs to eat u out of house and home? If she needs to snack this often, she needs to bring her own. I actually think its nervy.

What my concern would be any missing pain killers. Aides are not allowed to dispense pills. They are not medically trained. They can remind but they aren't to touch the meds unless they r medtechs. I would personally fill a weekly pill box and make sure I hid the bottles or took them with me. Facilities use blister packs to keep count. Each Nurse has to write down what time the med was given and initial it. The next nurse should be aware when a med was not given prior. Or, that a med dose is missing. You can have bloodwork done to see what levels of pain relievers are in Moms system. I would also think that you can't get Mom refills for these pills because Mom is only allowed a certain amount in a 30 day period. So thats how u found they are missing.
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How do you know your mom didn’t give her permission? Did you ask your mom? I would talk to your mom first. if she never gave permission then IMO the caregiver is crossing boundaries and this needs to stop. I can’t see an agency condoning this unless it’s in the contact that you are supposed provide meals.
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Havefaith0621 Nov 2020
I was the one to notice the missing food and watch the camera, and shared ot with my mom and she wasn't happy as she never gave her permission to help herself to anything she wanted. Especially because she's been not there for a couple of hours
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Speak to the agency that you are using and they will address the issue. You may want to ask for a different caregiver to come out.

I always provided meals and snacks. How long of a shift is she working?
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Havefaith0621 Nov 2020
Only 2-3 houre
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If no one in the household has told them that they can help themselves to food then they shouldn't do it. If the agency thinks it's fine that's great but if you or your mom didn't say it's okay then no, it's not okay.
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If this an agency employee, what is their policy? I have four people who are routinely in my house.. None of them are full time. I always offer snacks and drinks. If they are there all day, they are free to fix a sandwich or open a can of soup. If someone fixes my dad or husband breakfast they are free to fix extra for themselves. I have one shelf in the refrigerator that is off limits. It’s intended for something I’m planning to cook. I have a similar cupboard that’s off limits.
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