Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I understand the deep, tired to the core feeling...emotionally, and physically tired. But, although I am an only child, I am lucky in that my mother at least wants to try to maintain a bit of independence and she is not a chronic complainer. Her health has been declining though, and at 92, she is fragile. Seven years ago, she had a stroke and I left my job to take care of her. I am trying, against all odds (I am a 65 year old with asthma) to do everything that she needs, as she doesn't have much income and doesn't want to hire any workers. At this time, I am taking care of her, her house, her 4.5 acres that is mowed like lawn, and myself, my house and my yard. Of course, I am not physically capable of doing everything as there is not enough hours in the day. I spend every afternoon taking care of her needs...and I bring her meals and do all her shopping and banking. Ditto for myself. If there are resources out there, I am not familiar with them. She is recently out of the hospital, and I am worn out. I think those who can afford assisted living are very lucky...but, my mother would not want to do that, anyway. She has always been a very private person...I don't remember her ever doing any kind of social activities with friends or even family. She is very much a loner type and likes it that way and I know at this stage, it won't change. I guess I just wanted to say, good luck...I hope you find the rest that you need and the independence that you seek. As for me...I guess it's a waiting game....which one of us gives out first. At the point I'm at now, I don't mind if it's me.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Standingalone, OMG, my heart breaks for you. I am not the only child, but I am the only one living near my mother and taking all the responsibility. I have three brothers who are unavailable to help. Seriously, I can understand how you are feeling, One thing that has helped me in the last few days is to not think of her as your mother. i know it's odd, but you are dealing with several issues beyond your control. I, too, may lose my job due to so much time I'm having to take off. I nearly lost my teenage daughter when my mother was trying to move in with us. This is harder than words can describe. Just be strong so you can outlive her.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Were our mothers separated at birth!? My mom is only narcissisic and OCD, you have it worse than I do, you have one that is pre-dimentia at least. Mine is just aggrivating, clinging and needy, yours is harmful to you and eventually, believe me, to herself as well. Nothing you do will ever be able to please her, I guarantee if she goes into assisted living or nursing home she will drive them nuts too, but that is what they are paid for. Mine is a bad enough patient when she is in hospital, having her phases of being Queen Elizabeth, Joan Crawford, and Bette Davis, sometimes all rolled into one, while trying to convince everyone that is not in charge of her care that she is Betty White or Donna Reed. Yours sounds straight Joan Crawford. I came back here from a life I loved in CA and have not had a satisfying day since. My last vacation was in '03 (which was satisfying but it was away from here, and mom was more mobile in those days), since then it has been a steady decline of freedom and a steady increase in tension and reponsability. I was able to get a little help through the senior center in our county, we have wonderful Tina come in two hours a day 4 days a week, she does housecleaning and if mom needs help with her personal things she helps her too. The housecleaning thing does take a little pressure off me so that I can get out for a little shopping or personal business occasionally. Mom literally expects me to be at her every beck and call, even if she is in one room and I in another she will talk to me as if I were waiting just outside the door for her use. Generally, I find that there is absolutely nothing satisfying in my life. If you do not have POA, try to get it, or gather info enough to have her declared incompetant, get her into assisted living and GET OUT!!! You are only 45, she WILL keep you under her thumb as long as you let her and as long as she can through any kind of manipulation she can use. If she is in relatively good health this is only the beginning, it will get nothing but worse. I am wrestling with the possibility of even bringing up the subject of sending my mom to a nursing or assisted living home that we cannot really afford, and I know that she will cry and dump guilt trips on me but the reality of the situation is that I am 68, with a few problems of my own, and it is getting harder and harder for me to take care of her, the house (which is not worth much in this lousy real estate market), the yard, and still have any time left over to live a life. I feel my own waining years dwindle away, and it makes me very sad and depressed. You cannot shoulder the responsability of satisfying her narcissisic, obsessive personality all alone. A parent who was truely able to love would not ask you to or treat you thus. You owe her nothing. Protect yourself, you are the only one who can.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Standingalone, First of all you went against your gut when it told you NO NO NO to moving in with your estranged mother, now you need a do over. You've gotta take back the control that you relinquished to your chronically complaining mother. Tell her you're moving out in 'X' amount of time, but that you'll help her find a place to go, or a person to help her before you go. You'll need to find a job somewhere in there I know, but maybe you could crash with a friend or someone if the deadline comes and you still don't have work. Either way, you know in you GUT that this is the right thing to do. This time listen and heed your instincts, they're usually right. Unless you're a martyr then all bets are off.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Take it from someone who knows, you have to have a lot of grit and determination. :-) W
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I thought I wrote this...but then I'm not an only child....Seek Respite care..it will give you time to collect your thoughts and decide which direction to go before it's too late...caregiving does take a toll...trust me....I don't think guilt will ever subside but you will feel more at ease once you make a decision...do it for you
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I agree with the two answers above. If your mother meets financial and medical criteria, she could obtain services from your local area on aging. If not, you may want to consider having her move to a continuing life care community. It is time for you to begin taking care of yourself. You are being verbally abused, and this is wearing you down. Caregiver stress has been shown to correlate with illnesses for the caregiver. You are a young woman, with plenty of life ahead of you. Your mother will never be a warm, fuzzy mom. This is probably related to the relationship she had with her own mom. You cannot change this for her. Hopefully, you will come to a point where you are able to pat yourself on your own back, as your mom is unable to do this for you. Please get yourself into a caregiver support group and into therapy with someone who understands caregiver issues. You need the support at this time. You also need to develop healthy strategies to get yourself back into living. Take care. Lorraine
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I agree, Carol. StandingAlone, I am also an only child taking care of my now-86-year-old mom, who lives with my husband and me. She's been with us about five years now, and though our relationship wasn't nearly as rocky as your situation, it never has been smooth. It has been critical for me to create boundaries in our current relationship. In my mom's case, the dementia has created significant changes that make things difficult, but the boundaries have helped some. It doesn't sound like that is going to work in your case, however.

I definitely agree with Carol about getting counseling and help for yourself. You are being abused and you need to take care of yourself. Someone else will help your mom. Please get help. ~Joan
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Thanks for sharing your heartbreaking story. You really aren't "standing alone" - at least you reached out to agingcare.
You must get out of this situation. Please contact your local non-profit social services or county social services and find a way to get counseling. You'd be better off in a women's shelter, as you are being abused.
You are right - you aren't living, you are existing. And now your are financially dependent, which is what your mother wanted - more control.
Please get help to learn how to detach and move on - even if you have to leave without giving any forwarding information. If your mom really needs care, let social services know she will be living alone. This situation is endangering your health, and could endanger your life. If you can't find help through local agencies, please at least talk with a church pastor. Someone there can help you find resources to get out of this situation, but you have to start the process.
Please take care of yourself.
Carol
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter