Follow
Share

My Mom has been in a nursing home for about 5 months with vascular dementia related issues. She has continually thought I am stealing her money and no longer wants me to be POA. She wants me off and thinks I have "stuck" her in the home. According to her - everyone says she is too healthy to be stuck in a nursing home.


She cannot remember any of the things she was doing in her apartment when she lived alone. She thinks I am making everything up so I don't have to "deal" with her.


I am contemplating having her evaluated to determine if she is incompetent. I really didn't want it to come to this.


Just needing others to reassure that I am doing the right thing!


Thanks


Julie

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Your mother would have been refused entry into a SNF had she not NEEDED to be there in the first place. I couldn't qualify for entry into a SNF right now b/c I don't have health issues/dementia that make me a candidate FOR living there.

If she has dementia and has been diagnosed with it, then she cannot change her POA; it's a done deal. She is considered mentally incompetent to do so, therefore, you don't need her to be declared 'mentally incompetent', she already has that designation, at least as far as legal documents are concerned.

That said, your mother accusing you of 'stealing her money' goes with the territory of having dementia and should come as no shock to you. Yes, I know it's unpleasant for a mother to be saying such a thing to her daughter, but consider it's the disease talking and not HER. It's also quite common for elders with dementia to have what's known as anosognosia, which is complete denial they have anything wrong with them. Then they're accusing their children of 'sticking' them in a SNF or Memory Care ALF for 'no good reason.' Here's a link to an article on that subject from Aging Care:

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/anosognosia-dementia-patients-cant-recognize-impairment-210090.htm

Having your mom placed in a safe managed care environment is never the 'wrong' thing to do. My mother lived in a Memory Care ALF for nearly 3 years (with advanced dementia at the end, moderate to start) before she passed away in February. She too refused to accept there was anything wrong with her, and called the others' 'stupid morons' and all sorts of ugly names. Meanwhile, she was just as bad if not worse than THEY were! She was very well cared for in the ALF and the caregivers treated her like a member of their own family. I have no regrets about anything; I did right by her for her entire life.

Wishing you the best of luck.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
rjcmills Apr 2022
Thank you. Yes once I started really researching I realize now that this attitude towards me is a normal phase. I feel a huge sense of relief that she is in a facility where I know she is safe! I do wish I had siblings to assist but it's just me making all the decisions. So always questioning myself.
(0)
Report
bundleofjoy, you are spot on.
This whole ordeal is so difficult.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You say she has "been in a nursing home for about 5 months with vascular dementia related issues".
Might I ask you how you, as POA, have got Mom into a facility without a diagnosis?
I think you already know that if you are acting POA for financial you must keep meticulous records on every penny into and every penny out of Mom's monthly finances. So you have that, and your Mom if at all with it should have a copy of this monthly to stick in her record book.
As far as diagnosis, if there isn't one (?), yes, that is something you definitely need, Julie. As POA you can get that done. But again, the cart seems here so far ahead of the horse I can't imagine how you got to step "C" without passing "A" and "B".
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
rjcmills Apr 2022
She has been diagnosed. I have medical POA as well as Financial. However, after a hospital stay over an unrelated issue she decided to willingly go into the nursing home. BUT the vascular dementia was the primary reason I feared for her safety living alone. My Mother knows the checks I write out of her account go directly to the nursing home and nothing else. If she needs something, I purchase it out of my account.
(1)
Report
Are you her PoA? If so then I certainly would have a doctor give her a cognitive exam so that your authority can be fully and legally active.

If no one is her PoA and then she gets a diagnosis of incapacity...then no one has the power to legally manage her affairs or advocate for her, but at least the facility will know that the county should then step in and pursue guardianship.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
rjcmills Apr 2022
Yes I am her POA currently.
(0)
Report
She’s in a snf and won’t be running off soon. What would the incompetency exam then be for
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
bundleofjoy Apr 2022
hug! :)

i think OP wants to try to prevent her mother from revoking the POA (and for example choosing another POA).

if she’s declared incompetent, then she can’t revoke the POA, etc. — and she can’t leave NH.

we had a very similar post recently (maybe the same OP).
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter