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I am considering respite care for my husband that would cost $250 a day., so your $500 a week is a terrific bargain for your mother.
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gdaughter Aug 2019
are you talking of a 12 or 24 hour day for $250?
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I think $500 a week is reasonable and fair. Your mother needs to understand you have financial obligations. She is very fortunate to have you caring for her 24/7. I would have a talk with her about being too critical of you, It is difficult enough caring for a loved one 24/7, you need to be appreciated, not criticized. My goodness, you need to be firm, and put everything on the table here. The other option is your mother hiring a live-in caregiver. She will quickly see how expensive it is for 24/7 care. Please address these important issues soon. Hope everything works out for you and your mother.
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ADKwoman Aug 2019
Thanks earlybird. You sound like a toned down version of a good friend of mine who is always telling me to stop letting my mother bully me and turn the tables on her. In a way I'd love to do this, wonder if I could, and then think I couldn't as I would feel mean...ugh! :/ I have always been the caregiver, the rescuer, the forgiver, etc. in my life, in and out of work. Hard to turn this around without a LOT of guilt.
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ADKwoman, I just checked your profile, and my gosh your Mom is 100 years old. Imagine all the things she had witnessed in her life time that we take for granted today like television, dishwashers, sliced bread, bras, ballpoint pens, electric can openers, vacuum cleaners, just to name a few.

As for your Mom thinking $500 per week is too much, and if she needs around the clock care, that would come to $3.32 per hour. Ok, if Mom sleeps through the night, then it would be $4.47 per hour for 16 hours per day. Maybe using in terms of "per hour", Mom might then feel that is too low.

If you were working at a hospital or at a doctor's office, you would have your salary... probably health insurance which in itself is quite expensive for the hospital/doctor to give as a benefit... payroll taxes for your Social Security and Medicare.... paid vacation/sick days.... possible life insurance, and other benefits. If your Mom never worked outside of the house, she may not understand all that is involved in today's world of employment.
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ADKwoman Aug 2019
Thanks freqflyer. I never thought about breaking it into an hourly wage. My Mom knows enough about work; she worked part time while we were growing up as a social worker (MSW).
And yes, my Mom gets up a few times a night at least (and of course, so do I) so I guess I would be earning $3.32 per hour …. with no vacations, time off, sick days (geesh! I must be insane!!)
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It sounds like a perfectly reasonable amount and your mother should pay it. I receive money from my father for my 24/7 caregiving (which he pays taxes on so I get credit for the work with Social Security) and thus have some money coming in for my own expenses and savings, etc.

But these red flags jumped out at me:

"She has always been critical of me and made me feel bad in many ways thru the years."

"I don't want an award, just for her to appreciate my value and that I care for her enough to give up my life and she should care for me in this way."

We read so many posts like yours on this forum: adult children of abusive or difficult parents giving up their own lives to, I assume, try to finally earn the love they deserve.

Please rethink this situation.
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ADKwoman Aug 2019
Thanks, SnoopyLove. I'm not sure that I am looking for love as I know already that she really doesn't know HOW to love. I don't expect that to change. But my Mom has always instilled in me this feeling of guilt if I did anything imperfect or wrong, like it was a direct attack on her. I think I still feel guilty even thinking of throwing in the towel.
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I'm assuming you gave up a job when you moved to care for Mom. Yes, she would pay a lot more than $500/week for a full-time aide, and you would earn a lot more than that working as an RN. What you ask is not unreasonable at all. You still have bills to pay. We all do. If your mother still balks at paying you a reasonable amount, suggest that she hire an aide for herself and you will go back to your own home and your work as an RN.
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