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You've received some good answers, particularly about finding a nice place that offers a continuum of care.

Obviously, you are under no obligation to be involved any more than you wish. I haven't been there yet, but I have a number of friends and acquaintances who have navigated similar situations. Based on my observations, the siblings who disagree have eventually found workable solutions if they can manage to treat one another with respect.

(Gently.) I'm sure that there is a back story, but please consider refraining from sarcastic questions and statements when discussing the emotional issue of seeing to your mother's living situation ("your Highness' lofty standards"). Most people shut down when someone speaks that way. Your sister has made assumptions -- it seems that you have, too. We all do that. She obviously assumed you felt the same way she does. You don't, which of course if fine, but snark won't improve the situation. Your sister is close to your mom and wants "the best" for her, and she has made the mistake of assuming you would also be willing to help out financially.

You dread the next few years? You might make them better by educating your sister about the way this stuff works. Help yourself by helping her to understand how to plan for Mom's future. You can still stand your ground, and you don't have to be "lovey-dovey". You are not required to finance your mother's remaining years, but an offer of assistance to help your mother and sister to steer the course wouldn't go amiss.

Those of us who have children need to remember that they are watching. Even folks with ample financial resources need help in their old age.
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Emma1817 Sep 2019
TX, I didn’t actually call her Your Highness. That was creative license...:):)
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When you have made it clear that you will not spend your retirement money (and I agree that you shouldn't), your sister will have a choice to make. Either she can entirely fund your mother's continued stay in the AL, your mother can apply for Medicaid, or your sister can move in with your mother (or vice-versa) and be her fulltime caregiver.
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IF and I repeat the IF your mom needs a facility y'all should be looking at one that goes from Independent to Assisted to Memory Care if.....IF all of those may be needed in the future. And unless you or your sister have a crystal ball you never know what will be needed in the future. (by the way if you have a crystal ball could you PM me? I have a few questions)
While you are looking for a facility that has all levels of care look for one that ALSO accepts Medicaid. Once your mom is there the building will not change, the staff will not change only the billing will change. So if it is "awful" going on a tour you would not select that facility.

What I did in my mind when caring for my Husband was 1 thing..SAFETY.
If he was no longer safe at home..I would place him
If I could not safely care for him I would place him.
If I was not safe caring for him I would place him.
Luckily I. with the help of Hospice and the VA was able to keep him safe I had the equipment I needed and the education I needed to make it safe for both of us.
If your mom can make decisions at this point maybe you both should sit down and talk to her about what SHE wants.
Does she want to stay in her home? If so is there a possibility of her accepting caregivers in when she needs help? Does the house have to be adapted so if she begins to use a walker or wheelchair will she be able to get around safely? Are there steps into the house? Is the bathroom large enough for a wheelchair? I could go on but would the cost of caregivers and adaptations make a move to a facility easier and less expensive.
The upside to a move now is it is a decision she makes and it would become her home so as she declines it will still be home.
Make it clear to both your sister and to your mom that you are not in a position financially to split costs with your sister. I can see paying for a few things but not supporting her completely. (I would never expect that of my children and I think if you ask any parent they would not want their child putting their financial future in jeopardy paying for an aging parent)
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I'm not sure I'm following your logic. This apartment is for her own use, it isn't a gift. If mom has a remaining pot of money from the sale of her house she will be able to use that to pay for her care until it is gone regardless of where she lives, she is allowed to spend her money for her own needs.
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Emma1817 Sep 2019
Yes, of course, but her money from the house would be gone long before SHE is, if the place is costly enough and if she lives long enough. THEN what, is my question to Fate!? Well, no point borrowing trouble while things are quiet for the moment.
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It's really is Moms decision. If she sells her home, it will pay for the new place for a few years.....lucky her. You never know what will happen in the next few years. If/when the money runs out, you, I mean she, will have to deal with it then. You are not obligated to pay for her.
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Sister needs to look at some nursing homes that take Medicaid - my dad was in one and they took great care of him. He loved the staff.

No way should you deplete your retirement to support mom. Hold firm.
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SisterSue1949 Sep 2019
Kimber, I'm curious if Medicaid paid your father's facility in full or if you still had to be out-of-pocket for a portion. If paid in full, was it a locked unit or a skilled nursing facility and would you tell me what state you're in? Reason for my question is in Florida we would still have to pay $1000 or more a month for a memory care unit. Wondering if other states are different.
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Just let the other sister take care of the mom and stay out of it. You are then worry free.
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