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I have an 89 year old mother. My step father passed two years ago this October. She has had a hard time dealing with issues. I have been there for both of them on call anytime since I retired from the Army in 1995. She has previously complained that people are stealing her blind. She has me get rid of a lot of my step fathers outside items (he kept everything). She is constantly when she can’t find something asking me what I did with it. I was initially driving 86 miles round trip to help her find what she was looking for. In some instances when we find it she would say I brought it back or moved it which was not the case.


Recently she accused me of stealing her mop bucket filling it with tools and bringing it to my house while my sister took her to the doctor. That next day she found her mop bucket and called me and said thanks for bringing my mop bucket back last night. Of course I never took her mop bucket. She is constantly losing her keys. The last incident was about a can of beans her grandson recently sent to her. She called and said what did you do with the can of beans? I told her I didn’t take her beans she said yes you did your tracks are all around here. She was angry in both instances at me. She has accused me of ransacking her house and taking things. My youngest sister has talked her into going to the Doctor next Wednesday for her nerves. I do understand it is her cognitive abilities she is losing and it really isn’t directed at me. However with COVID I have tried to limit my contact and haven’t been to her house since Jun 26. Phone contact was everyday. After talking with some siblings, the youngest sister’s husband said she gave us those beans for a birthday party she attended. The youngest daughter told her that when she convinced her to go to the doctor. She called me and apologized but then attacked me over the mop bucket ransacking her home and says she has it on video which is untrue. My question with all of this going on and with three sisters in her immediate area, should I avoid any contact with her until after she gets medical treatment?


That is my major concern.

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Her seeing the doctor and possibly getting a diagnosis of some form of dementia will not change if you see her or not.
As with any person you visit you take precautions. Wear a mask and you try to avoid direct contact (I say try because it is difficult when dealing with family) if you do anticipate direct contact hand sanitizer before and after. And there are ways to hug so you are not more exposed to droplets.

The bigger question is...Is your Mom living alone? If so she probably should not be. She will need supervision 24/7/365. This is not a diagnosis that can be treated..it will not get better, she will not get better. She will decline. You should discuss with the rest of the family what the options are and what plans are doable.
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CSHick Jul 2020
Yes she is living alone. She is bull headed about that.
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CSHick, I would have a family meeting to discuss next steps in helping your mom with your other siblings. Some major decisions need to be made, and soon. When your sister takes her to the doc appt for "her nerves" please have her checked for a UTI, which in the elderly often have no other symptoms than behavioral or cognitive changes. Left untreated it can turn into sepsis. Antibiotics can clear it up BUT in your mom's case she needs someone to administer the meds to her and then remove them until the next dosage -- your mom probably won't remember to take them or won't take the proper dosage.

Do you or any of your siblings have durable PoA for her? If not, I strongly recommend this happen asap before she has a cognitive exam. If she does not assign a PoA then in order to legally manager her care and make decisions and take actions on her behalf someone will need to pursue guardianship through the courts. This can cost thousands and is distressing and time-consuming. If family chooses to not pursue guardianship, then eventually she will be a trainwreck and you'll be forced to call APS to report her as a vulnerable adult and the county will pursue guardianship. After that, the county guardian has all the control, decides what facility she goes to, what medical care she does and doesn't receive and locks you out of all her accounts, and controls all her assets.

Please provide more information so that the forum can help you make the best decisions possible at this important time. I can't stress enough how much transparency and cooperation between siblings will help make this challenging time less so. ALso, educating yourselves about dementia will help you know how to interact with her in less stress-inducing ways. See YouTube for Teepa Snow videos. Read some books on it. I wish you all the best and peace in your hearts about making significant changes in your mom's best interests.
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This accusing loved ones of stealing seems to be very common. How difficult to deal with!

I would see her when your schedule permits. Wear a mask, wash your hands, etc. To me, life is not without risk and maybe some of us are going too far with not seeing people. Be careful but think twice about if you want to totally stay away.

UTI check was a good suggestion from another poster.

I also agree that she probably should not be living alone. This paranoia (for lack of thinking of a better term about stealing) is a sign that there is something really wrong with her ability to process things properly. She is probably not really safe home alone anymore. Most of us NEVER want to live in a nursing home. BUT is also not necessarily safe and appropriate for that to happen for all of us.

I would get her evaluated re dementia and competency. They might say it is unsafe for her to be living alone and then you might need to look into getting her into a nursing home or probably a memory care unit at some point.

Good luck.
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CSHick Jul 2020
Thank you she is angry with me right now so will at least wait to contact until after Dr appointment next Wednesday.
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Staying away from your mother is not addressing the situation she's facing at all. She's obviously suffering from Dementia/Alzheimer's and should not be living alone. You need to call a family meeting and make a decision about the future of your mother's care; selling her home, getting her placed, or getting in home help for her which can be more expensive than placing her in a Memory Care residence. Full time, 24/7 care is actually less expensive in Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing than it is in home. An elder with dementia and suffering from paranoia can get herself into all sorts of horrible situations when living alone! Burning the house down from leaving the stove on is just 1 possibility out of hundreds. Wandering away from her house & getting lost is another common problem people with dementia and memory issues wind up having. It's just a matter of time before something bad happens and your hand is forced, so you're better off dealing with the eventuality now rather than later.

The other option is to wait until she has an emergency, goes to the hospital and then rehab. She likely won't be released to independent living from rehab, and that's when placement is her only option and bullheadedness no longer matters.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
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CSHick Jul 2020
Yes I have spoken with siblings and we will meet after the a Wednesday Doctor appointment to determine how everyone wants to proceed. I have a quit claim my step father and mother executed years ago as far as the
house goes.
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I would have her screened for dementia by her PCP to see if there's a treatable condition. If he/she, the PCP, suspects dementia, she should be referred to a neurologist for a more definitive evaluation. Her behavior sounds unusual. She blames you for certain things, and then apologizes for having blamed you. How did she remember that she originally blamed you?

No, I wouldn't stop contacting her. The most common emotion for someone who has lost a spouse is loneliness. Not staying in touch would only worsen her loneliness.
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I to think something else is going on this is not just dementia maybe not dementia at all. She remembers to apologize does she have a lot of stuff all over she truly may have to many things and can’t find them when she needs them. I think no one should not go around there family member whom is in this state because of Covid she is in need of all the care and visits she can get to keep her mind from slipping more. I would visit limit my travel with others to decrease my chances of contracting it and wear a mask. But I do think you should visit before ad much as you can. I think she likely blamed her husband for what she’s blaming you for now since she has no one else she’s lonely. Maybe you should hire someone to come in and do something with her every week to maybe some fun activities with her. Take her for a drive around town. Best of luck to you all! Stay safe.
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CSHick Jul 2020
The apology was because
my youngest sister told her what happened to the beans the afternoon she called me. My sister told her she was losing it with her nerves.
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It is extremely common for dementia patients to imagine people are stealing/hiding things/ransacking etc. When she sees the doctor Wednesday your sister should mention this behaviour. There may be a medication that can help.
Meanwhile, you can't ever talk her out of a truth she believes. Maybe visiting weekly in person, and virtually during the week with zoom could reduce the chance that she'll suspect you of stealing.
For what it's worth, in my experience these kind of delusions often show up in one stage of the disease and as the patient progresses they will diminish or disappear. But a new crop of symptoms comes up.
BEST of luck to you.
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CShick, unfortunately dementia is insidious. My heart breaks for every new poster that is faced with having to deal with a loved one with this awful disease.

One important thing to know, they believe what they are saying, so arguing is pointless. Her brain is broken and misfiring, she doesn't know that she doesn't know or that her reality is wrong.

It sounds like you have been allocated as the safest one to accuse of all the things that no longer make sense to her. I have to say that you are probably the safest choice even though it hurts you it keeps her safer then if it was a different individual that could think that they have the name why not the game.

My dad went through this and I would just tell him that maybe I inadvertently picked it up last time I was there, I will look. Then it was forgotten, but I get the blame for everything even when I have not been around. Okay! I am good with being the bad guy, at least I know where I stand. Find peace with being the one. I think that it really is because you are safe for her, my dad knows that I will not get mad or ugly with the accusations, I know the truth whether he does or not.

Encourage your family to get educated on dementia and you will all have an easier time dealing with the situation. One thing that is difficult at the beginning, they can go for days without a hiccup and they seem perfectly fine, then they come off the wall with something that just floors you. This is normal and it makes you question your own mind.

Just keep loving her and living in the moment with her, it will help you get through and give her a stable person in all the chaos that her mind will create for her.

Hugs to your entire family. The beginning is so difficult.
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My mother always accuses me of throwing things away. Not stealing, which I guess would be worse--but after ONE huge effort to de-junk her place so she could have more room to maneuver her walker..and one small bag of trash went out--she went out during the night and was dumpster diving with her 'grabby stick' for a rubber frog that my nephew gave her 20+ years ago. YB thought he had a raccoon in the trash--nope, our 4'9" mom trying to retrieve her treasures that I had thrown away in the huge trash bin.

IF she lets me dust, and that's infrequent, it's been well over a year since I did that for her--I have her WATCH me dust and replace every single thing.

She didn't call ME with the complaints of theft--she called all the other sibs who just sighed and told her that I wasn't stealing her junk.

My MIL is the same. She follows her maid all over the house and doesn't trust her an inch. This woman is not aware she's doing that, so no harm, no foul. But if DH goes up to fix something, she will immediately go out to her garage and hide her house key. Forgetting he has one of his own.

We just sigh and roll our eyes. There;s no point in arguing or defending yourself. Their memory banks are empty as soon as they are 'filled'.
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TNtechie Aug 2020
MKid, I kinda take Mom's side on this one... if you threw out the "rubber frog that my nephew gave her 20+ years ago" I might be out there dumpster diving too. The "shoes" made from the bottom of dishwasher soap bottles and filled with marbles "cracked" in oven heat we made in VBS the last year a favorite Sunday school teacher lived still occupy a corner of my keepsakes along with football programs from my nephews' high school days. God willing, they will stay with me as long as I live even though almost everything in that drawer will be thrown out by the next generation. Similarly the bowls and serving pieces my mother received as wedding gifts made the trip from her house to my home. Many things of little material or intrinsic value are kept because of who gave/owned/used them. I have started photographing all my keepsakes and putting together a keepsakes book for the day I may have to "downsize".
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No, I wouldn't say avoid contact with your mom. I'd say whenever she calls and starts going on about nonsense involving things like the missing mop bucket or can of beans, cut the call short. Don't go running over there unless there's an actual and real reason to. If she starts up about 'so and so took my whatever' or 'you threw out my whatever' then tell her that you didn't and offer to help her look for it. If it gets to be too much for her tell her you're leaving and why.
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I think your Mom needs you now more than ever.

However, for self preservation you may need to cut back a bit on calls or the length of those calls.

Keep reminding yourself it is the disease not your Mom.

Make sure your siblings are aware of everything she has accused you of so that that information can be relayed to the doctor. He is going to need to know examples of what is happening.

Good luck to you at this difficult time.
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I wanted to come in & post quickly.
I'ma caregiver for demented ppl.. theft is HUGE in their frontal brain causing family
& caregivers to be forever denying degrading thoughts they have. I sorry you're going they this..

I could go on n on, but most importantly she *wont be getting better* there's no cure.
Ppersonally, I would see her as much as possible b4 maybe she doesnt remember you?
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Dealing with ridiculous accusations and nonsense is one of the hardest parts of dealing with a demented family member.  It's hard not to get defensive and because they are a family member and the relationship has been life long, it's hard to step back and get perspective and not take it personally.  My husbands aunt accused me of taking her panty hose and wearing them.  My mom said kids were shooting lasers into her bedroom at night and keeping her up.  My mom says that when she leaves her assisted living apartment to go to the dining room for lunch, people are going into her apartment, ransacking it, partying and stealing her things.  It's nonsense and I have learned to make off the wall comments and redirect the conversation...for example I will say, "yeah this world is crazy right now....(chuckle chuckle) what did you have for lunch?  Let's see if there is anything good on tv."  I did not get to this place overnight.  It took me years of crying when I left her apartment and many sleepless nights.  Once I realized that my mom is no longer the same person and sick, I dealt with the loss of her and then was able to step back and not have everything she said to me cut like a knife.  You will get there too, it just takes time.
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AllieB4 Aug 2020
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I have been transitioning to life with a mom with dementia. I have been feeling guilty for not handling the situation well. My anger is more at my brother who has left me to deal with mom. He has been an empty nester for 15 years and has not worked in 25. While I (being 11 years younger) have only 1 out of 4 kids semi launched all of which have health issues I have been grappling with for 12 years. Yes, her comments cut like a knife, that I have a terrible personality, am going to hell, don’t care about her after all the babysitting and dog sitting she has done for me because I brought her to the hospital for severe impaction, putting her in assisted living (because we went the several home caregivers over a year who left due her her verbal abuse). We cannot have a conversation because it’s all complaints. When I try to show her a positive side to things, then I am accused of always being against her. She is now programmed to believe anything that comes out of my mouth is just that. I figured that out when I agreed with something she said and she blew up at me. I had to leave the room and she yelled after me that if I walk out she will tell everyone what a horrible person I am. I just kept walking. This is your own mother telling you how awful you are, dementia or not, it cuts like a knife.
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Stay away until after treatment? This is brutality honest and reality, Dementia does not get better so be prepared to suck it up and learn how to cope with it.
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Better to address this situation ASAP because the next episode might be worse; like calling the police or getting neighbors involved which will only make matters worse. Do you or anyone have POA for her medical and finances?
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CSHick Aug 2020
No
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My husband and I had similar problems with my MIL , who has AD. Our biggest issue has been undoing the lies about us she told relatives! While she now resides in SNF, the long path there was made much worse by those lies, turning relatives against us without us knowing it was happening.
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I wouldn’t limit contact, just be ready for the accusation she throws your way. Sometimes you can deflect the accusations by telling her you I think that I saw this in the cabinet (or wherever) and ask her to come with you to help search for it. Continue to help her find the things she has lost and know that this will pass as the disease progresses.
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DO NOT let her live by herself. She's a walking disaster waiting to happen.
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Hi, I am so sorry you are going through this. I dealt with similar accusations from my mom, which hurt as I had emotionally and financially supported her for years. I will try to post the link here, but if it doesn't work, just google YouTube Dementia Care Partner Talk Show Ep. 62: How to Deal with Accusations. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HAvefiDbVQ&list=PLVl8vTLjje8E8wKXh4PlNeUa9A-9lc88Z&index=5&t=0s

At about the 6 minute mark, your situation is addressed. Good luck!
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You are seeing the signs of dementia. For some reason when they think about an item, but can't quickly find it, someone stole it. Very common. We used to go to my boyfriend's mother's house on a daily visit to find her car keys that someone stole. Or her rolls of quarters she kept in her purse. She would unroll the quarters and dump them out of her purse - so actually she was correct. The rolls of quarters were gone and now it was just loose change.

You can't argue with the broken mind. She thinks she saw 'your tracks' all over the place. Just go with it or defer the conversation - I'll get so and so to come by and look for the beans or whatever is misplaced.
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I'm so sorry for your situation.
Most of us here completely sympathize with you.
The reality is that even with "treatment ", your Mom is never gonna be as she was before the obvious Dementia. You have to decide if you can deal with her delusions. There are lots of resources to help you deal with Dementia. Start doing lots of studying before you make a decision.
Hang in there!
God bless!
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Lots of info & advice here. I just wanted to add that the paranoia and anger may be a brief phase - or - it may last a very long time. If that’s the case, you’ll have to accept it as her new normal attitude and deal with it that way. I think she’ll probably be in a facility soon, so that will make it somewhat easier. Although she’s going to be rip roaring mad about that for awhile.

Try to get a sense of humor about the whole thing, it is really quite silly, the things she accuses you of. That’s the only way I got through dealing with my relative.
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It is best to have a family meeting and make a schedule for caring for her.

If the sister cannot prove her accusation she should apologize. If this is a repeated behavior then just inform her her abusive attitude is not welcomed nor tolerated.

My mom constantly blames me for things she does. I just prove her wrong and inform her that a mature loving parent would apologize, which she does.

In your case, stand your ground with grace. Inform your mom you refuse to accept her abusive behavior anymore and there will be no more visits until she changes her attitude. Cut all contact with her until she apologizes.

It works with my mom.
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disgustedtoo Aug 2020
Although that may work with your mother, in general this doesn't work. Even if the person accepts it and apologizes the first time, that whole discussion and result are forgotten, next day or even in the next minute, if dementia is at play. It may also depend on the level - very early stage, maybe. Sometimes the personality of the person will not allow acceptance and apology either (or personality changes due to dementia.)

We can try, but one size doesn't fit all with dementia. Every person, although they might share some common symptoms and behavior, goes on their own special journey...
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Imho, your mother needs to see a physician and possibly a neurologist. Prayers and good luck sent to you.
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As a few noted, do get a UTI check, preferably a culture, not just the dip stick test. There could be dementia at play, but a UTI can REALLY make that much worse!

When I joined the forum, reading comments saying test for UTI seemed odd to me. Mom never really showed signs of sun-downing (she lived alone, so we might have missed it), but she did develop OCD behavior just before bed. We had camera set up to monitor the door and just inside the kitchen, where she would often sit at the table. The OCD started one night, only a few rounds and not every night, where she would check the door lock, sidelights, dishwasher (had to wait until OB was visiting to figure out what she checked as camera couldn't see that far) and LR. Eventually this became a nightly marathon, 1-1.5 HOURS! Anyway, she wasn't happy about being moved to MC (we tried bringing aides, minimal 1 hr, but that only lasted about 1.5 months), but was well behaved and not a big problem. Suddenly one Friday night they wanted me to come up as she was ranting about needing to go home, guests coming, set off every door alarm and they couldn't calm her! Like I could do anything? By the time I got there, they had gotten her into her room with a magazine, so I didn't go in to stir things up. Sadly there was nothing we could do until Monday morning (she had appt already), so the staff had to put up with this every evening all weekend! Once she was on anti-anxiety and after UTI treatment, all was fine again. Subsequent UTIs have presented as night time bed wetting. So yes, do get it checked! Any time there are abrupt changes, have a check done. It is a simple quick test and it's best to rule that out and treat.

She should have a thorough check up in addition to the UTI check and possible cognitive test. There are other treatable conditions which can mimic dementia. If it does end up being early dementia, be aware that staying away isn't going to change anything for her (it'll prevent in-your-face accusations, but the rest will remain!) It's better for all to learn everything you can, so you know what to expect, how to deal with it and even what to chalk up to dementia.

There's a good chance she's in the early stages. Our mother was about that age when some of it started, but it was minimal and involved others, so the really early signs were likely missed. In retrospect I realize the accusations she made about others, which were only a few I heard about, were likely those signs I missed. One was saying OB took her tweezers during a visit. Really mom? Tweezers? I bought her another and after we moved her to MC, I found at least 3 in the Master Bathroom and about 6 more in a dresser drawer! The only time it impacted me was when we took the car key. YB did ALL the talking and took the key. I just stood in the background. On the way out, I asked him to disable it as I was sure there was another key. So, who gets the call next day? Me - I was at a memorial service, so I let it go to voicemail. Nasty angry accusing me of taking her key! When I called back, I calmly said I didn't touch her key, which was the TRUTH! Oh, who did then? She was so nasty I said "You're so smart, you figure it out!" and hung up. Next day, even nastier call demanding I get down there NOW and fix whatever I did to the car. So, sneaky Pete DID have another key and found it! I said again, I didn't touch it. Also the truth, although it was my idea to disable it!

Too often it's the one they interface the most with that gets the brunt of any nasties. Best you can do is not argue with her. Misplacing and hiding things is a common symptom, and they blame others. Suggest someone moved it, and assure her you'll help find it or buy another. Trying to explain or negate what she says will frustrate you and anger her. Go with it! You might even have to admit you "borrowed" it and will bring it back asap!

Checkup, learn, understand, prepare!
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Sounds like she has dementia and that alone with her behavior and things she says would make me stay away permanently. Do not get involved. If you have three sisters who live closer, why are they not more involved. Get together and put her into a memory care unit in a facility or hire a caretaker. She should not abuse you and you must not allow it.
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Medical treatment is not going to cure dementia it only slows the degeneration process, my dad has dimentia and he gives away his money then accuses people of stealing it, it's totally up to you although if other people are closer maybe limit visits, for your own sanity and try to remember it's the disease not the person accusing you
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renoir Aug 2020
Wow, your dad needs his finances protected due to his dementia! He is not capable of making sound decisions. Does he have a Power of Attorney, Finance and Medical yet? I would advise it sooner rather than later.
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Well two of my sisters took her to her Doctor. He thinks its just nerves gave her some kind of test and said she did fine. Gave her nerve medicine zoloft and will see what happens. She asked one my sisters to make sure I didn’t know she was going to the Doctor because I would go by her home. I have done all I can at this point knowing things will only get worse and I cannot help.
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A couple of things ....

First - just to reinforce what you have stated you already know, this behavior is typical for patients suffering from dementia. There is no point in trying to argue that it is untrue as they will simply not believe it, because of their illness. Do NOT try to "prove them wrong". They eventually may say they agree with you and even apologize, but only because they feel they have no choice. In their hearts they still don't believe you and question in their own mind why you would lie. This just leads to agitation. Just acknowledge that you will help try to find it or that it is there now and find a way to change the subject.

Second - be aware there really is no real treatment for dementia that "heals". There are medications that can help slow the progress. Engagement with others or some activity will also help slow the progress. But this will continue to be an ongoing situation. There is no "waiting until she is better".

You mention relatives that are closer. Under normal circumstances I would suggest a family discussion about sharing care for her. However with covid, the family should also consider who is the least at risk. Family members who have younger family members at home (from age 9 and up) need to be particularly careful about transmitting covid to her (even if they don't show any symptoms) ALL family members should wear a mask when in her presence, even indoors.

Hopefully this helps some. Don't forget to take good care of yourself as well.
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CSHick Aug 2020
I am relying on my three sisters to keep watch over her. They live closer in the same town two of them. I live 45 miles away and am choosing to stay away at this point. I realize it is not her and its just how things are right now.
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I think that perhaps she needs to be seen by a specialist. The uti check is absolutely a great idea. My mom had dementia, it is so hard on everyone. I know you may be frustrated and angry as you have a right to be but things will likely get worse so it's time for a family meeting. The goal is clear responsibilities and boundaries and milestones for action. If you don't do it now those reluctant won't suddenly step up and you suffer and she suffers as a result. Look into the videos of Teepa Snow on YouTube. They are so on point and help you to deal with these type of situations. My heart goes out to you, it is hard but with love and a lot of patience and compassion these last few years will hold nuggets of beautiful memories not just unbearable pain and frustration. Mom is gone now 3 years, I wanted to walk away so many times, in the end I am so grateful I didn't.
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