I'm scared to hire outside help. Does anyone have suggestions?

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I'm scared to hire outside help. Does anyone have suggestions?

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I am facing this also I found two things I have tried to see her reaction. One was to tell mom that I think we should have a maid like some people have, her being old school said oh we could never afford that. she didn't say no just she didn't want strangers in the house, I told her I would be right there.
The other thing I told her was I had a dear friend I wanted her to meet she was excited about that so that opened a door to other ways to introduce a stranger in the house. hope it helps, God Bless

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I agree with the everyone who said just have the new person introduced as a friend etc.

My mom has Alzheimer's and refused any sort of help. She insisted she was fine.
I hired caregivers a few times. One time I said this person was my friend and needed a place to stay and hang out while her house was being painted and she was more accepting of that. Another time I hired someone and I said "this person is going to stay with you while I am gone" and it ended miserably. She got angry, agitated and I had to send the person home.

If your mom is already resistant to needing help than she probably won't like the idea. So give it a try, have a "friend" or someone that you hired come over to "help you". The agency you hire will also need to come out and assess her. Make sure whom ever you hire, that the caregivers are trained in dementia.

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It sounds like your mom is still in the mild-moderate stages. As mentioned, Teepa Snow videos are good. She may be able to go to a senior center, or if he dementia is moderate there is adult daycare. For my mom the county had transportation, although we chose to provide our own. This took the worry of not having a caregiver show up as scheduled, which has happened with my FIL,s caregiving agency. (it may be because they know we are able to cover). My mom just over a year prior to starting at the daycare told me that her and Dad were going to be independent to the end. As the Littlemidnight suggested, tell her what ever you chose to do that you are doing this because you need it, "so she isn't the one needing help".
As far as looking bad, you need to stop feeling guilt. We are all doing what we can to give great care to our loved ones. And Dementia will let you feeling short of that goal many times. 2004 is when we first started seeing evidence of dementia. June, 2008 at 69, she was "layed off",September she was diagnosed with Probable AD. Next week she is starting her 4th year in memory care unit. There are fewer moments when she seems to connect with the world. Since I live 11/2 hours away, I miss most of them. So when guilt wants to rear it's head, it tells me I should bring her to my house, so she has the comfort of family at those moments. I have to tell myself, I would have no support system, and there is a lot of care between those moments, plus I am the main caregiver for my in-laws. I wish you well.

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We hired a care giver for my Mom during the middle stages of dementia. She was very resistant at that time. As time went on we eventually hired another person when my Mom was further along and she didn't resist then. My siblings and I still took shifts, my Dad was there at night. The care giver helped us mornings and was there for breakfast and lunch. We helped at dinner time and bedtime. Eventually Hospice also helped us, palliative care initially.
It is great you want to keep her at home, we felt the same. But if you are not getting much help from siblings you might have to hire more help. We used a private hire list we got through the Office of the Aging. Our girl had her CNA certification.
Best of luck to you and your family.

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My dad was also resistant to the idea. What I did was the moment he said he was having trouble with something (in his case, just getting the garbage out to the curb) I just casually suggested that maybe we could get someone to help with that? Only an hour 2x a week. He went for it! And then we just kept adding hours on so it was pretty seamless. Yes it does get expensive!! And it was a pain in the butt scheduling everyone. In the end we hired a live in full time caregiver and that worked out great.

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Hi...I think you should consider assisted living/memory care if you can afford it. They have the experience to care for your mother and hopefully she could make some friends and the family could still visit her and take her out. Do your homework and find a good place for her...In the long run everyone will be better off.

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Are you working with a care coordinator? In my area, care coordinators are either very experienced geriatric nurses or geriatric social workers. A good care coordinator will have 'local knowledge', that is, know the local home care agencies and send you to one she (usually but not always a care coordinator is a woman) knows is reliable. She will be able to give you a 'lay of the land' talk about what it's like providing 24/7 home care for a dementia patient. A lot of families don't realize how difficult it is to take care of a dementia patient who needs this level of care--it is *very* emotionally and physically draining. It's very easy to neglect your spouse and your family--and caring for your family should be more important than caring for your demented mother. Many times, families realize that mom would be better off in a memory care assisted living. She will also have experience dealing with the local memory care facilities. She'll surely advise you to tour them (and nursing homes as well) and get your mother on the waiting list. Good places inevitably have waiting lists. Remember this: when your mother's name comes to the top of the list and she doesn't need that level of care yet, you can ask them to put her at the bottom of the waiting list. Another important thing she can do is develop a care plan--so that your mother gets the *right* level of care and that the family understands how much it will cost. Care coordinators routinely mediate family meetings, which is important when siblings disagree. (such as 24/7 home care vs a memory care unit in an assisted living). Care coordinators are not cheap, but in the long run, using one will help you get appropriate and timely care for your mother and save your sanity. Using a care coordinator is pretty much a must if one of your siblings is mentally ill (my brother is a functioning sociopath) and in this case, you will definitely want one with mental health experience. I've used a care coordinator; she had worked for my doctor when he was the chief hospitalist. She always had my mother's best interest at heart. Because she had extensive mental health training and experience, she knew how to talk to my NPD mother and my sociopath brother. She could get points across to them when they refused to listen to me.

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hhhmmm i wonder if you could act like they are family members that she forgot about
since she has not a good memory you might be able to fool her & get someone that looks like someone that of a family member ..then it may not be so bad .

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I recall someone on here was able to introduce a home health care person as "the laundress" as it was a term her parents were able to wrap their head around. The next caregiver (when she needed to hire more help) was "the cook".

Initially, do you think your mom would accept help coming in to do her least favorite task?

Another poster introduced a home health care aide as the sister of a friend who needed a job.

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Because this is the first time, it sounds like you do not yet need so much help. Also the first time and while she feels she can manage, she will feel like this. Why not tell your mother that nothing will change, and that the carer is only going to check on her, and nothing more. She may be willing to accept something as long as she does not feel she has lost control.

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Rather than introduce "the new caregiver" introduce Jane, or Mary, or Bill, or Pritti, or whoever the nice person is who has come to keep us company. These people aren't plumbers or doctors, they're individuals who will need to form a human relationship with your mother to do their job - so let your mother see them as such. If your mother asks directly "but what is she/he doing here?" you can answer truthfully that they have come to help you.

You need this time or you will break. Take courage, and enjoy the respite!

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Who are you going to look like "the bad daughter" to?

Your mom with dementia? Your siblings?

If this isn't working out, with the siblings taking turns, time for a family sitdown or Skype meeting to figure out the next step.

No upsetting your mother would be nice; but there also needs to be consideration given to keeping her safe and allowing you and your siblings time and space to live their own lives. Balancing this can be difficult, but it CAN be done.

Getting everyone on the same page is the start.

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It is usually difficult to provide 24-hour care for a person with dementia in a private home (because of the risk of gaps) and it is also expensive. Are you and your sibs considering a care center at all?

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The way I got this to work with my Dad was to tell him it was me who needed the help. He saw that I was always running around, so it made sense to him.

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Getting outside help to come in and provide 24/7 care for a person with significant dementia, who is resistant or not open to outside workers.....that's very challenging. Cwillie has some good ideas. Of course, it's more involved that that. I'd make sure that the agency is aware that there can be no gaps in time. What if someone is late or gets sick.....it's so risky. I'd really read the fine print on your contract.

With dementia, sadly, it's really the providing of care that has to take first priority and often you can't avoid the person being resistant, hostile, nasty or unhappy. I would work as much as possible to make it smooth, but, that's not always possible. I'd just develop a tough skin.

There are also some techniques on how to work with people who have dementia on You Tube. Look for the Teepa Snow videos on Dementia. She has some good and practical ideas. I hope you can find something that is helpful.

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I'm not sure exactly what kind of help you are hiring, but if at all possible I would try to spin it as someone coming in to help you/your sibs complete some plausible task that is not specifically related to her needing a caregiver.... cleaning? organizing? sorting paperwork? personal chef?

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I'm scared to hire outside help. Does anyone have suggestions?

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