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It got buried but I will post it again up here—

The people who should be involved in the planning are the ones who are paying for the funeral. If you and your sister will be paying for your moms services, then the two of you get to call the shots. What you say goes. It’s your money. If your other sister isn’t going to help pay, then don’t include her in the planning. If she wants to volunteer her time to help set up or prepare a slide show, please allow her to do that. But decision making? Expenses? No you don't have to allow her to have a say in any of that.
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I would not have approached how you did, but no, no need to give her a say, but if your dad died a few months ago, hasn't the funeral already occurred.
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If the cost of your dad's funeral and the payment arrangements were not agreed upon by all in advance, then whoever committed knowingly to that debt should pay it. I wholeheartedly agree that no one should go into debt for someone else's funeral. Also, I'm sure your dad would be so dismayed that his daughters are fighting over money. Learn from this error and help your mom create an irrevocable funeral trust so that there are dedicated funds for her final (and hopefully peaceful) sendoff.
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dap2020 May 2020
My dad's funeral was all planned by my mom, two of us kids (myself and my younger sister) and a few grand kids. My older sister lives out of state and wasn't there for that. While cost was talked about at the planning (going with a cheaper casket, for instance), there never was any agreement on who would pay at that point and actually, there never was any agreement. Since my older sister has the means, I think she told the funeral director that she was going to sign the agreement. I could have not paid anything either and let her pay it all but that's not how I am. I expected to pay something. At some point after the total amount was known did we figure out how the bill should be split--split four ways, us three kids and mom. But mom doesn't have any assets. My older sister actually paid portions of mom's. What's remaining is the younger sister's portion which my older sister will end up paying anyway. My younger sister isn't even trying to make an effort to pay anything. I know she isn't obligated to but neither was I. My sisters aren't fighting about it. I was trying to put a little pressure on her to start to pay something, anything, since she is one of the kids.
Any funds for my mom's funeral will come from, more than likely, my older sister and I. That's why I asked the question, should my younger sister have a say in mom's funeral arrangement planning since she hasn't paid anything?
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You are approaching this all wrong.

Is there a reason why you and one sister think a funeral is worth going in to debt over? And when your fathers arrangements were made, did all of you agree to split the cost and then one sister never paid her share? Or did one of you go to the funeral home & take on a debt expecting that everyone would chip in?

If you’ve learned anything from your fathers final arrangement, it should be that funerals are racket & you shouldn’t plan something that the deceased cannot afford to pay for! Cremation is inexpensive & remains can be scattered or kept in urn in someone’s home. Instead of trying to seek revenge on the sister who didn’t help pay for your fathers funeral, you should be focusing on how to give your mom a proper send off that doesn’t require anyone to take on debt, or sibling to have to pay $10k for the funeral. Start planning ahead. You can cut costs by planning ahead & finding an urn, casket, headstone, etc online instead of buying them from the funeral home at a big mark up. See if mom can afford to start setting aside money each month to pay for a burial trust or cremation.
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dap2020 May 2020
Hate to say it but my dad never would have been buried if we didn't take on the expense of the funeral. I completely agree that funerals are a racket. We are going to start sometime soon on planning for mom's funeral arrangements but since my mom has no assets it will be up to two of us kids to fund everything, no matter what kind of arrangement we end up with. She only gets a social security check every month to live on so I'm not sure how much she could contribute but that is something to ask about.
My original question asks if my younger sister should have a say in any of mom's funeral arrangements since she hasn't paid anything for my dad's funeral, obligation or not.
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No.
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dap2020 May 2020
Everyone had great stories and insight but you answered the question! Thanks.
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To me, if there are not available funds for funerals, no one should have to go into debt for it. A simple cremation or burial would suffice. Plus, with the covid restrictions, (not sure if your state still has any, mine does), people are not attending funerals or it's limited to a certain number of people. Direct burial or cremation with a memorial service later on, which costs little, is common. And, it's not even wise to be going to funerals, sitting next to people, etc. The whole idea of gathering together has changed. The more loving thing is to not gather.

Unless, I wanted to pursue someone for breach of contract for not paying on the past funeral, after they said they would, I'd let it go. Life is too short to dwell on money issues. When you sign to be responsible, you know it's your debt and may not get reimbursed from siblings, though, she might seek reimbursement from the estate, if it's available. It's a sad situation. I'd likely let whoever wants to make the decision, pay the bill and see who wants to step up for it.
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Sad that the 'final' days of someone's life can be the most stressful and difficult times--actually, NONE of you are truly responsible for the funeral. But that's my opinion.

During this pandemic and the alterations to the 'norm' we have had 7 friends and/or relatives pass. No funerals, no viewings, just a small graveside service and a plan to possibly get together later to have a reminiscence. A few of the people had opted for cremation, and the widows both opted to wait until the world stops freaking out and then they will have a service. One is actually going to be remarried by the time they have her deceased husband's service!

I'm not cheap, but the thought of spending $20K on a funeral just grinds my gears. My FIL's funeral was the result of 3 guilty kids feeling like they'd not done a very good job being kids--and went with the most expensive coffin, headstone and flowers. Dad was buried in the most expensive piece of furniture he ever owned. I bit my tongue and never said anything.

Tomorrow, my BF from high school is bringing my DH and me our 'colombariums'--the 'urns' our ashes will reside in. He is a master woodworker and is only charging me $200 for the set. I don't know if I will opt to put them in a niche in our cemetery or make them 'traveling trophies'. Each kid can 'host us' for 2 months a year.

I feel for you--don't make a huge deal out of this. Families will completely fracture over things like this and you have to ask yourself if is was worth it.

I'm sorry for your loss--don't lose a sister over this too.
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notgoodenough May 2020
I know I shouldn't laugh, but the "each kid can 'host 'us for 3 months made me giggle!
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I have found in the last few years that people seem to be wising up when it comes to Funerals. More people are opting for Cremation. Where I live its about $2500. There maybe a memorial service or luncheoon. Sometimes in the future when convenient for all family members or on a special occasion. My Moms was 11k but she had 10k in a funeral trust. She already had a plot with my Dad so we went with a traditional funeral and viewing before the service.

Check with your local Funeral director and see if there are any policies out there you can set up for Mom. Maybe a trust where you can start putting money away.

You are not going to get anything out of younger sister. You can have two jobs but doesn't mean they are not living from pay to pay.
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You can’t change what’s already taken place and you most certainly can’t force a sister to pay. The sister who signed for the financial obligation of this will have to pay. It may well be that you don’t find this fair, but it doesn’t change the fact that no one can be forced to pay for anything they didn’t sign up for. The most important thing now is to learn from this before the next time. Do only a funeral that’s within whatever small budget your mother’s assets will allow when the time comes. A big, elaborate funeral and expensive casket aren’t needed, those things don’t change your memories. Funerals are a financial racket in my opinion, don’t do this again. I wish you peace
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