I must make a decision very very soon. I am my husband's POA. Married 20 years, 20 year age difference as well. He is 85, I have been his caregiver for his dementia for the past three years. He probably had dementia two years before that. He is now level 5 out of 7. He wants to go into independent living in our hometown which is 4 hours away (we moved to the coast about 7 years ago). Since he was so very important in our hometown community, he wants to go back there to die. He was the mayor of the town, etc. He loved living on the coast until the dementia hit. His depression became worse. He wanted to go home where his friends are. I’ve been enjoying my work here and as my husband became worse, I got a caregiver to come in so that I could work and run errands. Now I am faced with a really hard decision: To move back to our hometown (lots of work) and live in an independent facility where a lot of his friends are (I would be the youngest there by 18 years). Anytime I left the facility to go back and forth to the coast, I would need to hire a sitter.
His neurologist has stated that he needs someone living with him and suggested assisted living. My husband will hate being away from me. We have only spent a week apart in 20 years. He is attached at the hip to me. I cannot live in assisted living with him. For one thing, it costs $7,500 a month. No reason for me to be in that environment and also pay for those services that are not needed. I am totally healthy, still run, teach yoga and aerobics. So I would have to get an apt and furnish it as well as furnish the assisted living room.
Theoretically, my husband can live in the AL but go over to the independent section and have dinner in the independent wing where his friends are.
My question is: Do I uproot my life and move back to our hometown for hubby to go to AL or put him in AL here. I know he would not get visitors here because he became very reclusive here and has no friends. He would get visitors in his hometown for the first several months.
I know I’m suffering from guilt because I know where he wants to go. I want him to be happy. I failed to mention that it will cost $30,000 more each year to take him back to his hometown because I have to furnish his place and my apt that I would need to find.
My life and financial concern are better here on the coast but I want my husband to be happy in his last years.
I must do something fast because he is getting worse
Let him FaceTime with his friends.
You need to do what's best for you, financially and emotionally. Don't get guilted into doing something that's going to cost you money you can ill afford and make you unhappy.
Many dementia patients want to go "home.". They want their old healthy lives back. If he goes back and is unhappy, how would THAT feel?